Thursday, December 13, 2018

Here and Now

Learning about Smart Recovery, I'm liking some of the tools and having a love hate relationship with the psychology.  I am drawn to understanding how we work and very much want to take this knowledge to help others and myself.  But I see the humanistic philosophy that we can be understood with the assurance and completeness of science as childish and naive.  I am embracing mystery and I sense we experience a lot of life and truth through art.  It's so much more than just ideas and facts.  There needs to be a lot of space for nuance.

Anyway, last night was a very tough time again.  I didn't want to 'act out'.  But I was gutted and angry because I'd slept badly the night before and got another no that was very disappointed about.  The SMART stuff says it's not the action that upset me, it's my belief behind it.  So, my tiredness warped my perception causing me to have less long term perspective thus I obsessed about the short term.  I was aghast that I couldn't have sex (again!).  I was unable to see that I'd get sex in a few days.  There was even a hint that in about three days we'd have some time.  But I only saw that as a slap in the face.  It seemed a world away, a lifetime away.  It seemed it might as well have been never.  So I got out of bed and eventually was hungry enough to eat (although I didn't want to give-in to that urge).  I ate more than I wanted.  I felt a compulsion to fill my stomach, hoping it'd make me feel better, maybe help me sleep -- although it never does.  And I guess I got some pleasure from the taste (very short term).  Doing the Cost Benefit Analysis, it's sobering to see how the benefits of acting out (I'm using eating sugar, especially in secret) is all short term and the costs are all long term. 

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