Control & Saying No

I love the feeling of power and control when she's really turned on and really wants me.  I know I'm going to climax, but what's thrilling is feeling like I am in a position to give her what she wants, which is what I want (orgasm).  Guilt free sex is when she (seemingly) enjoys it just like me.  I want the moment of her desiring me to last. I want the moment of me having this power continue.  It's the fantasy of being desperately desired.  I wish I could experience that every time I'm sad or anxious or bored, but instead it's a small gift that comes unexpectedly--occasionally.

As the months since I've looked at porn or masturbated approach one year, my unreasonable expectations are fading.  My obsession is still waiting to surface, but it's not as strong either.

I can sleep now most nights, and if I don't, it's never due to not getting sex.  I can contemplate not getting sex tonight, and grapple with getting it tomorrow or soon--without too much distress.  I can wake up after not getting sex and not be angry or resentful.  I can interact with her throughout the day without being driven to withdraw in anger or resentment.

Making SAA phone-calls still helps me hugely to see the improvement and my good actions.  I still gloss over my progress and focus on my weaknesses and selfishness if left to my own perception.  I need someone else to remind me I'm doing well.  Plus helping them helps me immensely.

Two nights ago I said, 'let's go to sleep, it's late and we're tired'.  Which is unusual enough, but it was after she'd touched me intimately.  That's not happened for over fifteen years of our marriage, probably more.  The lie that I 'NEED' sex permeates to thinking that if I'm touched there, turned on, then I MUST find completion and resolution and satisfaction.  But that's not true.  She was flabbergasted and amazed that I said that and that I followed through by not being upset or unable to live with my decision.   One thing that made it easier is that I had decided I'd do that hours beforehand.  My motives weren't great.  Silly of me to imagine I'd be punishing her by saying no to sex with her, just because I'd hate that.  She doesn't mind.  But as we touched and hugged my anger eased and I did think of going with the flow, reversing my plans and enjoying the sex that was available.  But I managed to stick with it, stubborn if not angry anymore.  It was so much easier to be the one in control and with the power.  Still not fun to turn down sex and an orgasm.  But I think it showed her I'm not quite the slave to it that I was, even though I haven't yet told her of my silly childish motives that I started with.