Goodbye....

Why am I so angry that she doesn't want to "do it" before bedtime? I'm not just angry that she doesn't want to tonight, or that she didn't want to last night, or the night before, or as many nights before as I can remember... I'm angry at the thought that she's very very rarely ever going to want to. I'm shaking my clenched fist furiously at God for the truth that exciting, thrilling, spontaneous and surprising sex is gone...

I accept that it wouldn't be mind-blowingly fantastic on every level. I understand that it'd be quirky, or it could be a miss more likely than a hit. What really infuriates me is that whatever I settle for, isn't going to be on offer. If I go for romantic, slow, drawn-out lovemaking that starts with talking and talking--nope. If I just try for a quickie, no fuss... no muss... Nope again.

I think I should be thankful for the sexlife we have--which is great really. "Sex is a blessing, not a right". But I still burn at the fact that, no matter how good it is, it's boxed between the boundaries set out by the kids, work, her energy, the phone, friends, neighbours, builders, sleepiness, interruptions, distractions, etc.

Good Decsion, Bad Feelings

Yesterday was a regular Saturday, time @ home, stuff to do. Not too busy, not too slow either. I hardly thought about taking her to bed during the day (and when I did there wasn't any bite to the feelings).

We didn't touch all day. I don't know why, probably no reason, nothing wrong. But once the kids were in bed I felt so tired, and started getting angry (probably that sex before bedtime wasn't likely to happen--it never is).

So I went to bed appauled when she started a little sewing job after I'd mentioned going to bed. It was still early to her. So I laid in bed with the lights out, exhausted but sure I'd not be falling asleep before she made it to bed.

When she arrived I tried to act and talk normally but I my mind was overwhelmed. Why had I become angry? Why am I livid now? I know being tired is a big part of it, messes up my judgement. But what's the big deal about screwing downstairs or anywhere else than bed? I don't have the same feelings about her not having the body of an 18 year-old (or me for that matter).

So I laid there and her body language said she'd let me "do it". Here I decided to risk missing out on the orgasm rather than have an empty and angry one. I told her what was going thru my mind. We talked and she gave me one of those hugs and said something hopeful about the next night, which meant no sex tonight. I felt the usual livid anger, but this time could have a conversation with the unreasonable self from the perspective of a sane person in my head too.

Now it's the next morning. Slept okay though. I'm trying to not be mad at her to *uck up another evening.

Insuppressable

This emotion is impossible to suppress. I was fine all day, but I get home early and I'm angry.

Angry that she's only got a little time before picking up the kids from school.

Angry that she's not interested in putting her chores on hold and being with me.

Angry that she doesn't want to f***!

Weird how powerful these emotions are. Let's just have a look at them. My arms are feeling kinda tingly. My jowls are kinda tense. I don't know whether my eyebrows are tensed or not. My shoulders definitely are.

Auuuuggggghhhhhh!

Jealousy

Had a thought that I might be able to think through a better way to approach the idea of having a "day of love together". I was happy with that thought.

Suprises don't work for her. She' fills her time with everything else but me, I feel. (But there was a time I asked her to come to bed with me and she did).

Planning didn't work for our anniversary. Damn!!! Does that mean that'll never work again?

Will she ever surprise me? Will she ever plan or proposition me!!!!



I guess feeling like never really translates to "soon enough". These feelings will lessen. They won't always be this strong. I'm never ever ever giving up.

Blessings through Trials

I just changed the "slogan" from "No One Does It Daily" to "SEX IS A BLESSING, not a right!".

Seems the sleepless night last night is worth it if I get a clearer picture of the battle, a glimmer of understanding of the enemy, or revelation of how stuff really is.

I was thinking of how good I had it recently, made it through her period very well looked after.

So why did I go from "on-my-knees" sleepy..... to wide awake and livid.... All in the space of about five seconds? Because when I asked whether she wanted to go to sleep, she said yes. This was reasonable, she'd given out a lot today. It'd been a long day.

Still, here I laid (lay?) seething and thinking about how much of this is just physiological. Maybe there's no reason and no logic behind what I'm going through. I get more effin' pi**ed off that I was wide awake than I was that I wouldn't get an orgasm. Only a few minutes ago, I'd lied in bed talking to her for almost fifteen minutes, tired and ashamed when I thought that if she wasn't gonna want to "do it", then I'd rather skip all the talking and go to sleep. Now I knew the answer, and I didn't know what to do to move on.

Should I talk it all through with her (asking her to give-out a even more)?
I can't ask her for that orgasm, as she's already said she doesn't want sex.

I'm gonna ride this bullshit out. I'm not gonna let the stress and strain of ANY number of sleepless nights stop me from fighting to get through this crap.

Last Day of Vacation

Okay, the two weeks are done. We had a respite from this emotional separation when the cold and sniffing and coughing didn't dominate. But now her period has started. Last night she asked me what I wanted to do on my last day off. I was immediately agitated feeling that I shouldn't want what I want and better not admit it. I'm still pissed that we didn't once go to bed during the day. She stayed in bed one morning and that was nice though.


So you don't get good sex just because it's New Years Eve, or Christmas or your anniversary. You have to have the right attitude, work at the relationship, and hope that all the stars are lined up correctly (something that you can't predict or control). Periods, colds, visitors, phone calls....



So I can hope for things, but that doesn't mean I can have them. It's not wrong to want intimacy and sex, but I need to move on when I don't get them. At the wedding this week I was reminded that I've promised to love her in sickness and health. So her cold is sickness and I've struggled loving her while it took away our intimacy. Damn. I feel like a spolied kid wanting my Christmas present, but finding myself in a grown-ups body and seeing that Christmas isn't for me anymore.