October Update

Feeling low tonight. Last night she wanted me and initiated it. But that was yesterday.

Today I had a meeting with my boss & came out feeling unappreciated. I don't feel he believes in me. It's just the way he is, he wants to debate when I want to contribute.

I feel like however much I do, it's not enough. I feel like he's keeping his cards close to his chest and so must I. I feel like I don't really want to work there.

Worst of all is that I feel that I have no future there as I have to choose between doing the work I like, or working there. The changes they made are fair enough, nothing personal, but I've been angry and resentful. I have found a way to fit in and contribute, but I don't think it will last).

parallels with my childhood:

lost a father figure

feeling rejected

feeling not wanted

feeling not appreciated

feeling life isn't fair

feeling angry and resentful that things haven't stayed the same.

not enjoying the person who has power over me not being an encouraging person.

I don't like the competition. I don't want to risk failing. I want to get away. I want to escape and build my shed instead of going to work.

Haven't really wanted to M, but I did get very close to eating some sugary junk-food tonight. Then I thought that 5 minutes later I'd regret it and the pleasure would be very short-lived, so I was strong and resisted. Well done, Self! and thanx G.