Chemicals of Love

see Happiness Hypothesis

Another Brick in the Wall & He Speaks!

I'm stirring 'round my subconscious and memories about my Dad. Forgiveness isn't just a one-off decision or proclamation. It's a process that I'm going through. I want to forgive and let go right now, but I think it just takes time.

You know those slapstick movie scenes where the hero is trying to do something like put together some a toy or furniture or something? You know how the frustration and anger is funny? Well, it wasn't funny when the next-door neighbor's dog was barking and Barking and BARKING while I had one of these moments.

I got so angry, I knew that if I had a gun I'd happily shoot that $£%~@"%! dog in a second!

Well, a thought occurred to me as a reult. I remembered a time when I was a kid and my Dad was angry like this. I remembered it again from a different perspective and it was a little bit of forgiveness and healing.

So, I opened a Bible again (a rarity for me) and I thought, "God, I suppose you won't show me something here, 'cause I don't read this enough". The chapter we were lookin' in was Phillipians 4 and this familiar verse was what I noticed. It's easy to overspiritualize it and say, "See, God directed me to this verse and brought it to life for me in my situation" but that doesn't come accross very genuine.

Light, the Good & Powerful

When you're ready, when your strong enough (or maybe when you're weak enough!)... take a chance and admit what's really going on inside you.

In Biblical terms it's about "Bringing it into the Light"

I told her what was in the back of my mind. I risked putting her off, I gave up my little plan to hold on to this crap.

Well, since then... I've had the first day (for three years) after not having sex when I was completely free of anger or resentment.

Also important to this was that within a few days we had a great evening with another couple where I got a chance to just absorbe something deep about how a loving relationship really looks. I'm an influencable person, so it does me a lot of good to just be around people who are modeling good stuff.

Worhips Me, Worship You

What is the obsessive imagery and symbolism of oral sex?

The visual of her kneeling at my feet, it's as if she is worshipping me (my sexuality, my potence and power) says something.

On the other hand I remember some of my earliest journal writings showing how I wanted "Her" to meet all my needs and make me whole.

So, I want her to worship me, kinda, on my own sexual terms.
I can't have her as my goddess and me be her god too.

Best if I let God be God and her be her and me be me.

What's the Point?

When you're choosing to do the right thing, and it's painful and lonely...

...everything seems empty and futile.

The happiness you felt a few days ago may as well have been last year.

Mourning; a list

Listening to the podcast by Blazing Grace ministries, I heard a good suggestion by one of the hosts/counselors which was to list out and mourn the things you missed. Then you can forgive and heal and even be thankful for the ways God's taken the bad and used it for good in your own personality. (note to self ---explain this better)

• Dad didn't come to my army basic-training graduation
• He wasn't there for me in the formative teenage years (sex talk, etc.)
  
• He didn't affirm me, pat me on the back or listen to me
  
• He didn't defend me from teasing and taunting in the family
  

He didn't teach me much about life or being a man.

resetting the thermostat

The book "Saying Goodbye to Stubborn Sin" has a good analogy of habits and addictions. Our thermostat gets set too high, and we can't live with the same "temperature" (of boredom, anger, horniness, whatever) as we used to.

Resetting the thermostat isn't as easy and finding it and turning the dial a little tho. We can only reprogram it over time by changing our actions. Little by little it gets easier and the pressure is eased. It's like if you've been failing a course all year, trying to bring up your average isn't easy. If it took you a while to entrench that habit/addiction, it'll take time to dig it out and get rid of it.

There's a lot of metaphors here, but if you dug yourself a hole, you gotta stop digging, decide to do an about-face, and start filling the hole in! That sounds like work (frustrating work)... and it is.

Connections and Sparks

Listening to some podcasts from Blazing Grace, I heard the phrase, "connections" and it reminded me of how that's what I wanted from my Dad, and looked for in all relationships ever since.




I even stepped over the line once as a Samaritan volunteer. There was a particularly cleverly manipulative caller who I allowed to trick me into an uncomfortable situation. I respected the people and the organization way too much to not think seriously about the encounter. I learned more about myself from this situation than anything else for a year before or after. Why did I find it so hard to be firm against her manipulation? Now I can see that the connection had a huge draw for me.

It's easier to find a loud and quick connection through the eyes in all the sexualized stuff on the internet and the rest of the media all around. It's tempting to go for the "easy" and quick rather than the strong and deep.

I know God is the answer but I hesitate... Do I not trust Him? Am I angry and sulking? It's so easy to get distracted and move on to something else. All the while my life is ticking away.

I could keep zapping myself with images and bolts of counterfit stuff, going 'round and 'round with emptiness and numbness. The connections aren't working though. They seemed to be fine, but there's no avoiding that there are negative side effects.

To get anywhere, I need to get up and leave behind the stuff that seems so easy and familiar, stretching out for something more subtle and elusive.