Make a Birthday Wish

She asked me what I would like for my birthday today. What I'd really like is a day together with her enraptured by me. Unfortunately you can't buy that. You can't order it or schedule it or plan it. Even asking for it could be the midas touch. I've just gotta lower my expectations and shrug my shoulders.

See this morning was one of those "sleep late days", one of the few times the kids watch TV and we're free and undisturbed. I felt angry and cheated seeing her sleeping and dozing and uninterested. So, I either got out of bed and had to not resent her, or I could be affectionate and see if she could be won over or not. I didn't want her to just go through the motions. I didn't want her to just do it for me, but you never can tell when or if she'll warm up and get turned on. So I try to be laid-back and easygoing, but I don't know how much success I'm having.

This morning she doesn't get turned on much, but I sure do. She pleases me, but I wonder whether I was selfish or demanding. Am I chipping away at the health and pleasure of our relationship by asking too much? Will she not want to quite the same so much in future because I keep asking for it too much?

Maybe, mabye not. I feel physically satisfied, but empty in another way. Could I have stopped once I saw she wasn't really interested? That's a challenge.

Another Erotic Fantasy Eroded

I yearn for the Honeymoon experience. You know, you're both just so into each other, the world just doesn't matter. It makes you feel ten-hundred feet tall that she is thinkin' about you all the time, making wild and spontaneous gestures of that bright burning love. Guess it's unhealthy that I want her to feel these things for me, but I'm not exactly burning for her this way. We've been together for over a decade, so if that doesn't "end the honeymoon", children certainly will.

I get a bit obsessed with making love somewhere different, at a different time, anything different really. Why? Do I really care? Naaa, it's just a way to convince myself that she REALLY is crazy in love with me and that the honeymoon isn't over. See, if she chooses cleaning the toilet or talking about the kids over a passionate lovemaking session, then.... My fantasy is crumbling. She's a real woman, not a fake porn lie. She rarely will jump me like a nympho (okay, never) and I have to find my strength and comfort and confidence without that little crutch.

But it would be so cool!

I am trying to manipulate her to get the sign, hoping that I can count on it lead to the underlying message. What I mean is that I want to feel wanted, needed, desired. I want her to want me more than she wants to get her housework done. I want her to ring me up at work and ask me to come home so she can jump my bones! This would give me:

sexual satisfaction
a buzz from the experience
to feel wanted, top priority
sexual satisfaction
and sexual satisfaction

And I was feeling down and sad. If she doesn't want to jump me, then she doesn't really care much. If she doesn't want sex with me more than to do housework, then I'm not so desirable, valuable. I don't know if I really believed this, or just tried to kid myself to push my agenda. Silly and bogus logic. Like the guy says on xxxchurch.com's "cleanup program" Sex=love is a lie.

Plus, I'm ashamed to admit it but I have "pushed her" into sexual situations before, and instead of it making me feel on top of the world, it made me feel like the lowest of low.

So,
1. Waiting for her to fulfill this fantasy doesn't work. She ain't gonna do it.
2. Trying to "help" doesn't work because it's not genuine if she doesn't want it. Porn girls can fake an orgasm, pretend like they enjoy being used for your desires and wants, but real women don't. You can see it in their eyes, feel it in the room. It's not good.
3. Give up, let go. Back to that phrase, yet again.

Non-Mutual Masturbation

Grrrrr. Grrrrrr. GGRRRRRRRR! I can't really type what's going on right now. A fuse sorta blows when I want sex, leave my comfort zone and take a risk by communicating such, and get the answer "no". I'm sorta carrying around a demand after that until it finally happens. I want to let go of it, not stock-pile desires as if they were rights that I can demand and cash-in like a disgruntled consumer, complaining and demanding to speak to the manager.

Sometimes I actually prefer simple un-connected sex to 45 minutes of foreplay and communicating. The latter is far more satisyfing (even for me, obviously for her!) so is it the fact that it's "naughty" that makes it appealing? I'm sure laziness is in there somewhere. Getting an orgasm, but not having to give anything but a few thrusts.

Times like this I watch her walk back and forth from one room to the next. I'm acutely aware that we're not on honeymoon anymore. She chooses housework to putting her arms around me or giving me a kiss. Even if the kids weren't around, even if I was home from work (say on lunchbreak) it's not what she'd like to happen. I don't really believe that means I'm rejected, but times like this it's hard to not focus on those kinda negative things. I think about dozens of ways to "come on to her". I run through my head different ways to ask for a BJ. It's all ridiculous.

Guess I'm just wanting her to screw me so I get the same end-result as the Big M, but without me needing to touch myself--or feel guilty.

Repairing Your Fuse

It's great learning to turn off the "turned on" switch. Seeing a skirt might draw your eyes like a moth to a light, but it doesn't have to be a problem.

It's like learning that you can handle it, you don't have to get worked up, you don't have to get angry. Then after that sometimes you do anyway, but the fact that you've managed it once, or it was easier once is like some light shining into a tunnel, you can follow it and take some comfort from it. It's nice to think that you could keep moving and find everything lit, rather than staying still and it just being cold and dark.

A little encouragment, a little bit of progress and that fuse which burned so quickly between the cause (anger, boredom, horniness, a sexually charged image) and the effect (getting turned on and finally the Big "M") gets lengthened, giving you a better chance of snuffing out the flame before it's too late.