Exposed Pain and Brokeness

It doesn't matter if I know I'm going to get what I want tomorrow.  If the fact hits me the wrong way that I can't have it tonight, I'm screwed.  We talked about making love, like a mature couple with many years of marriage. We planned it and agreed.  This doesn't match my fantasy preference for unbridled passion that comes from within our gut, or heart, our uncontrollable instinct!  No, it's a planning and diary-ing exercise like budgeting our weekly shopping bill, competing for time like washing and ironing and cleaning chores.  The furthest thing from fantasy or desire driven impulsively being wanted.

Anyway, we were shattered (again) and so we would make love in the morning. She would wake up early and make time. I was to wake her up at 8am.  So I laid beside her hearing her breathe and sleep so deeply.  Does she need the sleep more?  Is that the kinder thing to do is let her sleep?  I feel myself morphing into a martyr--poor me! She doesn't really want me (again, still).  The lie that I'm all alone, unwanted, not desired, in the way, an inconvenience and annoyance.

I morph into someone donning sackcloth and covering my head with ashes, saying, 'woe is me!'.  Look how much life sucks for me.  That's self pity and self absorption-emerging automatically from the idea of letting go of the idea of our planned lovemaking time. Damn my selfishness (addiction) is shrewd and sly and quick and devious.

All these ideas, that bring me down and turn my head inside out.  The program helps me with actions.   I will pray.  Thanks God for keeping me sober yesterday, and  please help me to treat her well today and not use her or be selfish toward her.  Thanks that I don't need sex.  I give it over to God right here, right now.  These typed words are prayers.  Please help me to be selfless, or at least a little less selfish.  Please help me to be willing to talk as I don't wanna withdraw in a huff and sulk from something that I've generated in my own head.   Thanks for a good relationship, for not being alone or lonely.  Thanks for a blessed sex life.  Adult and real, not fantasy.  Thanks for communication and connection and vulnerability--which is really better than orgasms.