Looking back at night of turmoil

I couldn't believe she'd send me off to Europe without an orgasm.  Nevermimd it was only two nights.  Once the anger eased after a few hours, I just wanted to sleep.  Nope.  

In the morning it now seems odd to expect something with so much intensity--but it was real.  How many times did I consider waking her? It'd only set a unhelpful precedent, and I had the presence of mind to remember how unsatisfying it is when it's empty and grudgingly given.

Good to have emailed my pastor & stayed off the dodgy websites & tv.  Lord knows I was tempted!

So, some good things in the battle & pain.  

Trapped

I am off to Europe for three days away for work.  I screwed up last night trying to get "easy sex" which left me feeling guilty and her not particularly good.  So tonight, why did I come at my hope for sex with a whole new set of expectations?  I knew it was my last night for an orgasm for three nights.  I said, "we don't HAVE to do it".   Yet I still was APPAULED and SHOCKED when she rolled over to go to sleep leaving me hanging.  I seethed for a while.  I eventually moved on a bit thinking, "what's this like for her' and 'she's not just a sexual being'.  But I layed there feeling literally trapped.  If I go upstairs to do some work I'll be tempted by Porn on the computer.  If I write in this blog downstairs I'll be tempted by the stupid phone sex porn channel on freeview!  Damn! I laid there too wired to sleep, wanting to reach over to her and touch her, wanting to go somewhere.  Where can I go to get away from this shit that's inside me?

Counseling has shown me that I need to take responsibility.  No use blaming her--even if I can come up with a thousand new ways to say it.  A new voice in my imagination helps me to pray and consider other perspectives--but this is so fucked up!  Oh well, a night with no sleep--it's not the first time.  A half a week without sex--happens all the time.  Jesus, please help me!  Thank you that you are near the broken.  Thank you that you are near.  Thank you that you give rest to your beloved.  Thank you that you are showing me that I don't have to have the stimulus now as there usually is a tomorrow.

Letting Go, Clawing Back

So for the last three or four days I've known I would be flying on a work trip in the afternoon.  That means time away from home and orgasms.  

I've been hoping we'd get a quicky or similar as I dont need to leave for airport after lunchtime.

Why obsess so early?  I tried to reign it back & made her lunch, but I ended up kissing & wanting to be "serviced".  

So I got kissing after we ate & talked, but ran out of time leaving Horney & cross

Resolve, where are you?

Last night we talked properly for the first time in a week.  Good we can connect without sex.  But as we hugged I tried to get her to kiss & picked up right away right where I left off last time trying to change her mind and exercise control over the most pleasurable thing of all.

So she held back & I could see to not keep pushing.  This morning I was going thru scenarios trying to find a loophole in how to keep promise but have an orgasm too.  Such a strong drive.  There is no way.    Grrrrrr

5/9ths

5 days down, 9 days to go

Haven't prayed, which might be why I'm still angry and distant from her. It's kinda gone quickly, but in other ways it's really difficult. God, please help!

Please let this achieve something and please heal me, Lord!

	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
				8th 14!	9th 13	10th 12	11th 11
	12th 10	13th 9	14th 8	15th 7	16th 6	17th 5	18th 4
	19th 3	20th 2	21st 1	22nd 0!

Another Self Imposed Dry Period

Today starts another 2 weeks of abstinence. Will have to be less affectionate so we make the whole 2 weeks this time. Thursday 22nd celebration!

She probably won't b so impressed this time, but I guess I have more confidence too.

Am hoping I am pushed to lean on God again

2 Week Countdown Starts!

	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
				8th 14!	9th 13	10th 12	11th 11
	12th 10	13th 9	14th 8	15th 7	16th 6	17th 5	18th 4
	19th 3	20th 2	21st 1	22nd 0!

AUGGH!

So, less than 24 hours to go. I struggled last night--not with M or porn but wanting to kiss and touch--which would have led from one thing to another to another until we would have missed our solemn goal of abstaining!

AUGHH! It hurts! Girls tight tops and skirts and legs and cleavage!

Lord help me!

Slipped , but didn't sin

So, messed around and went too far kissing the night before last. It
was great that I could get her turned on. That power was as good as
anything else. I told myself that I was just kissing, but I'm sure
she would have offered to not leave me behind, and I would've gone
along with that, being so turned on and all.

So, she didn't pick up on anything but it being good. I was kinda
pushing her to kiss me and she didn't notice?

Afterward one of my first thoughts was disappointment of missing our
goal to fast for my purity and freedom. But, it wasn't the end of the
world. Exciting.

So next day we started again & said we'd watch the kissing unrrul Wednesday.

Day 8: 5 days left

okay, the weekend starts this evening, then I only have Mon and Tues to go!

I want wednesday to be a positive thing about her and how fabulous she is, not about me and my cold turkey addiction trial. Gonna start woo-ing and romancing her.

I have felt a very strong urge to kiss her passionately, the old "one thing leads to another" like before we were married and trying to remain pure. Wasn't 100% successful at it then, so please God heal me and teach me and deliver me!

Looking forward....

Looking forward to sex again (six days).

But this gnawing discomfort in my groin isn't really about that
though.  Or at least the root of it isn't.  I might feel disappointed
and it might even be anticlimactic. Ha!

Please Lord, be Lord of my sexuality & fill this hurt.  I'm not
waiting for Wednesday, I want to let you in now.

6 days to go

halfway there. Last two days were pretty easy, but no so much now.

I feel that dull ache in an area that is symbolic of the perceived problem (not in my heart where it really should be).

I had a really good day at work the other day (that helped). I'm halfway there, oh I already said that. Hey, this is a prayer. The only audience that matters for this blog is God.

Father, "Help!!!" I know you can, I know you care, I know you are here. Help!

day 4: 9 days left

Maybe this won't be enough. Shouldn't it be tougher?

Not that i'm liking it. Will I need to do this again or for longer?

She thinks I'm handling it well. She doesn't notice how I'm a bit turned in on myself. It was nice having extra affection for the first few days, but I am annoyed and mildly angry (at her).

I am much strickter with myself about where my eyes go as I know I can't get any satisfaction/relief anywhere in sight. Not the best motivation--just being honest.

Maybe this torture and struggle is actually less than what most people go through in this or other areas. Why do I think my problems are so much worse than most other people? what about people suffering from serious diseases or who don't have sex? Let's compare myself to them instead of characters in porn movies (or don't compare at all-even better).

	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
						9th 11	10th 10
	11th 9	12th 8	13th 7	14th 6	15th 5	16th 4	17th 3
	18th 2	19th 1	20th!

Sunday: 10 days left

Getting more hugs than ever.

Verse: Psalms 73:28 But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have
put my trust in the Lord GOD, That I may declare all Your works.

Am I gonna be a shaking strewn-out withdrawal obsessed wreck in a
week? Am I gonna be thinkin about it every second? Will it get was
easier?

Cleanse me, oh God!

Day 2, 12 to go

	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
						9th 11	10th 10
	11th 9	12th 8	13th 7	14th 6	15th 5	16th 4	17th 3
	18th 2	19th 1	20th!

Last night, the first night going to bed together knowing we wouldn't make love for two weeks. I'm angry at her even tho I believe her when she says she's doing this 'for' me and our relationship and my freedom.

Slept crap

Still did 5k race this morn. Tough as always. I prayed for selfishness to break. Colleague chatted to me briefly and that time went fast. Thought of helping another runner and remembered how
helpful that is for me. Thanked Him that I'm not alone & didn't feel strong dreaded desire to give up. Looking back, I enjoyed not being overwhelmed by the women in Lycra too.

Here We GO!!!!

So I bit the bullet and suggested we do a 1 Corinthians 7:5

"Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer."

The evening I suggested that we didn't make love, and I thought, man if one day is this hard, how is it gonna be for so many days?!! When I thought of the word, "IDOL" I thought we do need to do this for me. Hoping we'll find a new freedom in affection and reset or reboot my sexual expectations (maybe not immediately, but when we sow we reap!).

Then I come home from work a few hours ago and I've pretty much decided that 2 weeks is the amount of time I want us to do. A long enough stretch for it to have chance to flush out some demons and raise the crap that's in me, but not the month I originally thought as maybe that's being too extreme.

So what does she say? (besides that she'd thought 10 days)... She says, let's start yesterday. So, I have this huge dominating thought that she "doesn't want to make love to me tonight", didn't want to do it this evening--a rare evening that we have together without the kids. Damn! Start NOW! OUCH!!!! ^%$^%$£*&^* There are no words.

Anyway, "Here we go" God, please help me on this wild rollercoaster ride! I don't want to settle for anything but getting the most out of this experience and spiritual discipline. Not in my strength, in His (however that works), but I want to shake loose as many chains and shackles this month as possible! No it won't solve everything and some things might take time to kick in and bear fruit, but please, "MORE LORD".

My church leader said at the end of this time we might decide to extend it. Ha! That'd be a miracle for me to consider that!

Start Finish

Thurs 7th Wed 21st

I DON'T need sex or orgasms! (As Mark Gungor says, "I will not die!"

Jesus!

Triggers for lie: unwanted

She doesn't want me sexually--Again!

She NEVER wants me anywhere except bed.

she never wants me anytime except bedtime at night right before sleeping.

She never thinks about making love, dressing in a skirt: stockings,
lingere, or anything creative or different about sex.

She sometimes "makes the effort" but that's a chore and work and not
what she really wants to do.

She never wants to go to bed early with me--specifically to NOT sleep.

porn bitches pretend to want it anytime, all the time, anywhere,
everywhere, wearing anything. Nothing is too much trouble--for the
money they're making or the emptiness they're trying to fill.

Awake again

So why wouldnt we do it 2night?

1) were not in sync or connecting, actually seems everything she says
is annoying me immensely.

2) tired

3) still not sure where we stand after struggling with not doing it this morning

Why am I gutted and appauled and dumbfounded that we didn't do it tonight?

1) we didn't do it this morn
2) we didn't do it yesterday or last night
3) dont think we did it the day before either
(but that's not supposed to be the point)
4) her period is due any day, so we wnt be doing it for a week
5) I gave her an out, didn't think she'd take it based on 1-4 etc.

If I was away I'd not 'newd it'. If she was sick I could cope. Is it
because she's been so accommodating or giving that I expect her to
be--all the time. I can't make her change her mind. I am not in
control. This is the need that I need Jesus to meet. Sleep. Rest.
Respite from this never ending obsession. Masturbation doesn't really
help. Sex doesn't help when she doesn't want to. Well, she dosn't.

Jesus!

Angry and unable to relate normally

Oh one hand I know that she doesn't always want to.  I know it takes her time and that she wants to spend our time together doing other things too.  But I can't get away from my hope and thoughts that she will this time.  I watched the clock go from 9:30 to 9:45 to 10:00 (now looking bad) to 10:15 (forget it--but there's always hope!).  I can think of the right perspective of us being in sync and me woo'ing her and being giving.  But what's dominating my thoughts is whether I'll get anything and how her not wanting to this time and all the other times plays into the hand of the thought that she never wants me. 

So I decide to try to talk normally to her.  No point in being affectionate as on one hand I don't think it's very giving to try to be intimate with so little time, and on the other hand I'm not in a place to communicate freely and openly and easily.  I'm battling between selfishness and everything else.

So she is completely aware that I'm not at ease.  She knows I want "it" but knows it's not the right spirit/feel/reasons.  Finally, at about 10:40 we start talking about all this.  

My expectations and hopes are for MORE more more more.  But I know that's wrong so I resist.  

Better Decisions/Reactions

So the other night she indicated "no".  

Seems no matter how tired I am and how hard it is to stay awake, once she says no, I get angry and wide awake!

This time turned out okay as when the thought, "She NEVER says yes and gives to me.  I ALWAYS am the one not getting what I want"... I then thought, "Wait a minute, just a few days ago you were ready to let her off the hook and she surprised you by thinking of you and giving to you!  So "Never" is very not true!

2 Corinthians 10:5 "...casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ"

Die! Die! Die!

So give up on settling for sex on the physical layer, it detracts rather than being better than nothing.

Sex isn't the answer. No amount is enough. God, I give that need (right AND wrong) to you.

Please help me to not punish her or withdraw or have an angry attitude with her.

She loves me & is not going anywhere, but does not want me as much as I want to be wanted. She can't meet that need. Its a lie that she doesn't want me. True that she doesn't want me enough to satisfy my addiction. That's where only God can help & it's no use expecting
anyone else to. I'm not alone. He's near & cares.

Less

Before going on vacation for two weeks with her, I remember thinking, "I'm gonna have to settle for less sex". This thought came with a feeling of despair. I don't want less!

For the few weeks prior I noticed a lot of our sex was not so rewarding, except on the base-ist physical level. I decided to leave a few days from initiating with the hope of giving her a break (giving!) and maybe getting a better connection in the long run (getting).

I need to do the same now. She mentioned that we've done it a lot on our vacation. That sounds to me like she doesn't want to do it so much now. It reminds me how it's felt a little unsatisfying. Problem is I want it just as much as ever.

I tried saying "no one does it daily" but I still want it and try for it every day. She said no last night and I'm angry even now as I type this.

Jesus, please help me to overcome this lie that she doesn't want me. Please help me to "die to self" in this oh-so-painful way (yes I can feel an uncomfortable pressure in a specific part of my body right now).

Reading this poetic encouragement helped some, but I am in that place again.

More good news from/for self

Remember fondly waking up @ 2am hungry and NOT giving in to eating?

Remember getting up from table for a whole week still a little hungry, but enjoying more to see?

Remember fasting lunch & enjoying the rich strength from him a few days later?

Remember the joy of sharing Jesus with N. and how you (I) were on top of the world, seeing the sky a different richness, colour?

Remember the quiet satisfaction from forgetting the gadgets and playing chess with Ian and enthusing about filmmaking with Simon?!!!

Remember that it was worthwhile to resist. Not eating while hungry, at 2am & other times, made Papa proud. Didn't feel as good as an orgasm, but didn't follow on with guilt or erosion of strength either.

Logic and truth aren't enemies of freedom or creativity. Romans inspires the power we can draw on OVER sin from Him.

Ironic how praying & the Bible are keys to breaking out of cycle of addiction, but my heart and attitude can render them useless to me for a far too long.

Note from thriving self

Note from thriving self.

The world is better with optimism & hope.
It's better when you give the benefit of the doubt to yourself and the Creator.

You might automatically see things grey, default to pessimism, withdraw, and look for escape and a soothing tonic.....

But you are.... Me.  Remember how much better it was to try the better way.  Even when difficult, it isn't taking you where you want to go, is it?

Remember that it was worthwhile to resist.  Not eating while hungry, at 2am & other times, made Papa proud.  Didn't feel as good as an orgasm, but didn't follow on with guilt or erosion of strength either.

Logic and truth aren't enemies of freedom or creativity.  Romans inspires the power we can draw on OVER sin from Him.

Ironic how praying & the Bible are keys to breaking out of cycle of addiction, but my heart and attitude can render them useless to me for a far too long.