86 days since last M (New Years Day, I remember it well).I've been in a hotel for three days now. Lonely and horny are dangerous adjectives for my fight. It worked well asking the hotel to turn off the Pay-Per-View tv in my room, but of course I still am online with a fast internet connection. I've been great so far, but last night followed a few links on Digg which took me to viral video sites where I watched some unhelpful clips. Still struggling, but it's more difficult now.
Just Skype'd with my bride and wanted to ask her to show me her body and give me the okay to masterbate. That was the strongest that urge has been so far. But I could see that was just using her and I imagined a little how she'd feel. Pisses me off that she thinks about so many other things besides being sexy or my sexuality. Dammit those fantasies.
Now it's 5:30am here and I am feeling drawn to find sexual release. Remembering that may well not help me get to sleep anyway, but will definitely be wrong and make me feel bad in several ways (even if slightly good in one small way). All this trip I've been thinking to myself, "I really don't even want to masturbate". Well, I do now.
I am aware that I'm pissed off beacause I can't sleep and everything that I think about is filtered thru that anger. The work day ahead, the traveling afterward, my horniness. I don't wanna look on the bright side and see that I'll be able to make love to my wife in another 24 hours, I'd rather focus on how I can't have an orgasm now, how much I'd like one, how easy it would be, how unfair it all seems. I'm extra aware of my senses and feeling drawn to pacify them (hunger, horniness) as a response to my anger. It's not as simple as that. My anger and my horniness are very intertwined. It's impossible to separate my feeling of aloneness from the rest.
What title for this post?...... I better not search images.google.com for something to go with it as I am feeling very tempted to go in the wrong directions for images and movie clips. Damn!!!! Fight Fight Fight
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