Anger, another expression

Angry about the way things have gone at work. Interesting the way this comedian talks about wanting to kill himself and thought, "I'll show 'em!". That's exactly how I felt.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bbaRyDLMvA

And Craig is interviewed and comments on his monologue:

The Point

What's the point of talking about how I feel when I know my feelings are all wrong. If I talk about it my behaviour will be exposed as silly at best, self-absorbed at worst--forcing me to change. So a good reason to not talk is that I want to stay in the pouting place that I'm in!

What's the point of talking when there's no answers? It somehow helps, just a little, to talk.

I so wish she'd fuck me. But I don't want her to just do it either.

I woke up very horny. I wanted to so much. But she was asleep. I fought witht the desire and the ideal that it's one-sided. The Angel on my shoulder won over the devil. I'm still horny.

Good Lap Time

Last night was the first time I had sexual pleasure right in front of me, but I knew it was detached and was not as it really should be. I decide to do what was right (rather than what I wanted) and yet I had some good feelings!

Let's imagine what God might say, taking into account what I know He's like:

"Well done! I know how difficult that was for you. That was such a big step! I'm so proud of you. It's getting easier, isn't it? It will continue to get easier and better. Hang in there. I'm with you every step of the way. It was great you going several months "clean" but this is even better!"

There's no way pushing my wants can work. If she reists then I get nothing. If she agrees then either she's pissed off or she's detached. My fantasy for her to be "gagging for it" is impossible. Gotta stop 'cause no matter what, it ain't happenin.

Grrrrrr!

Lots of exclamation marks lately. I'm fed up. I'm fed up of saying, "Shall we go to sleep?" and feeling absolutely appauled and incredulous that she so flippantly says, "okay".

I'm fed up that I've not yet forgiven and moved on. I can't forget how many days running it's been since she's wanted me (Even if she's compromised and gone through the motions anyway).

I'm fed up that I can walk home and be thoughtful and think of her (fix a flat on her bike) but satisfying me sexually isn't something she can slot into her busy schedule. I feel like a 10 year old, "stupid, stupid, stupid!!!!". I feel like she'd rather do anything except make love to me. Grrrrr! I know I'm the one who's wrong. Just like I was wrong a few months ago wishing she'd "do me" a quickie at an innapropriate time or inconvenient place. Give me a few more months and I'll be seeing her at lunchtime and not really minding. F***! F***! F***ing! F***!!!!

I was on my way to buy a snickers and somehow I changed my mind and came here and wrote this instead. Somehow this is better. Creative and cathartic, not heaping guilt or more shame.