Distortions, Thoughts & Emotions, oh my!

I've been reading about and pondering the cognitive distortions used in CBT for a while now. They make sense and I can identify with them, but there's always been a disconnect between the idea and my problems.  I've never been able to use cognitive distortions personally.  It's like they are concepts, but very individual and 'in my head' and of an analysis and academic perspective.  When I'm struggling I'm all in my emotions, overwhelmed, confused, angry and not thinking clearly.

But this week the two converged.  I was in the middle of my addictive obsession, trying to think through the confusion of what seemed like thousands of thoughts behind a few very strong feelings.  One of my 'core lies' messages was intelligible though, "She doesn't want me".  Looking back on it, I think it was really more like, "She is annoyed with me", or "she's annoyed about something and it's coming across in her conversation with me".  What a huge difference between the first and the last of those three messages.   I could take the 'core lie' and expand it to it's ultimate destructive and hopeless conclusion as well:

"She doesn't want me"  descends to "No one wants me, I am not loved and I am all alone".  Seeing it in the cold light of day it is obviously rubbish.  I've got a loving family, thoughtful colleagues, a supportive church and friend network.  I get on with some of my neighbours and on and on.

But in the fugue of my addictive pain, these lies seem very real and I can't rationalise about them.  It feels like I'm stuck in a room with horrible messages playing on a loop.  They are not clear, but they are relentless.  I used to respond by going deeper into my addiction where the numbing would quieten those thoughts.  But the addiction was somehow temporarily distracting them from me, but somehow it feed them and making them stronger for next time.

So, what about these distorted thoughts?  

By LoudLizard

Selective Abstraction:
I based my conclusion that she doesn't want me, that I'm not loved, that I'm alone... all on one fact, that she was annoyed with me or didn't seem to want me in one way at one time.

Minimisation: 
I downplayed the fact that she's been married to me for a quarter of a century, that she says and shows that she's committed to me, she's patient and understanding of my struggles.  I downplayed all these things and drew my conclusions on one negative and temporary thing:  That she was annoyed with me or didn't seem to want me in the way I hoped.

Personalisation: 
This isn't so clear in this scenario, but it does seem to be my default assumption whenever anything goes wrong.  Someone makes a mistake, I automatically think, "Shit, that was me!" when usually it's not at all.  It's accompanied by fear and some wrong assumption that mistakes are fatal.

Arbitrary Reference:
Again, I draw the conclusion that I'm unloved, I'm not wanted, I'm alone, not quite arbitrarily, but definitely illogically and incorrectly.  I didn't bond when growing up, so I didn't feel or learn to feel loved or attuned.  My parents thad their own problems that distracted them and made them unavailable, so, yes, I did get a strong sense that I wasn't wanted.

Magnification:
Definitely making a mountain out of a molehill when someone being annoyed with me or not propositioning me in the way I like gets exaggerated and distorted into, "I am alone and unloved"!

Overgeneralisation:
Again, it's understandable why mental health issues make us think of craziness because my feelings translated into thoughts because of long-held deep and unexamined beliefs that seem insane!  Everyone can see it's crazy to think I'm alone because I'm not getting what I want or maybe what I think I need.

This shows a lot of filtering, black & white thinking, over-generalisations, catastrophizing emotional reasoning and mislabeling (cognitive distortions) which are deep and not gonna change automatically or without dedication and work on my part.