Affairs

"Pursuit of ‘‘ultra-happiness’

Ed Diener, a psychology professor at the University of Illinois-Urbana-Champaign, says people today pursue what he calls ’’ultra-happiness,‘‘ so they expect love to always be romantic and full of thrills.

Mira Kirshenbaum of Boston, author of a new book called ’’When Good People Have Affairs,‘‘ says perceived boredom in a marriage may well result in a spouse who strays.

’’They think their marriage is OK because they don’t fight a lot, but they are distant and bored,‘‘ she says. ’’Sex is routine. Conversation about meaningful things is like pulling teeth.‘‘

The space between

But Douglas Snyder, a psychologist at Texas A&M University-College Station, isn’t convinced that boredom is to blame. He says it’s a lack of closeness and passion. ’’People can become distant in their marriage and interpret that as boredom, but I think it’s a misnomer,‘‘ he says.

’What’s striking for men is that a lot of them were saying they weren’t having marital problems‘‘ before an affair, Allen says.

Though the experts say it’s natural to sometimes be physically attracted to someone else besides your spouse, they say the danger comes with acting on those feelings.
’’Partners have to work hard at protecting their marriage from boredom by being vigilant and attending to the marriage on a daily basis,‘‘ says Snyder, who celebrated his 34th wedding anniversary last month.