Materialistic Sex

Did some Christmas shoppping today. Spent half the time on the phone and the other half listening to a podcast. The girls in the short skirts caught my eye. Then I was in a store and I found myself browsing the skirts (longer ones), while knowing that I can't buy something to get her in the mood. Sex isn't a commodity.

Christmas's materialism sux. I feel I'm wired and programmed to seek sexual gratification, especially this time of the year.

Score!

What a change a day makes!


She was honest expressing her frustration of me seeming demanding.


I felt crushed, and automatically took it to heart as "my fault" all along.

She admitted this is just how she feels and that both our attitudes could do with changing.


Next day we picked up at the same place once the kids were in bed.


Cleansing and theraputic to be more honest and more vulnerable. Not about sex, about fears and honesty and intense stress.
Now I'm flying high!

More To Life, Again

She's pissed because she feels like all I want is sex.

I'm pissed because it feels like, if we have any extra time together, she wants to make time for anything BUT sex with me.

It is the thing I would like to do with her more than anything else. I am pissed that so many things get in the way and stop it from happening.

I should talk to her about my revelation about giving up on a fantasy and being thankful for a real woman.

I want to blame myself for so much. I am feeling afraid and very anxious about all sorts of things. I'm not so cross about some of the reality that has pissed me off very much a few months ago.

Seeing Clearly Now

It was good that I decided to not have sex the night before last, it was good the way I thought about it and saw it realistically.

But I slept shitty.

And I wanted a reward of having sex the next night without having to connect (also a kinda punishment).

It was screwed up enough that while we were starting to do it, that I thought, "I should just stop, we're not in the right place for this". I didn't, but thinking about it was a first.

I'm angry that I'm not in control of when and how sex happens. I''m not in control of my kids annoying habits.