New Year Stuff

Prayers:

Please reduce the connection between visual stimulus and sexual expectation.  Please help me bounce eyes from rears in skirts and boobs in blouses, but also I need to be able to have eyes opened walking down the street without the ache and the numb painful hunger to start a ticking timer of expectation and perceived need of relief.

Please break this lie that I need an orgasm.  I reject it and choose to believe that those needs aren't like water or food or shelter.  They're more like affection and encouragement--a higher tier need, not a basic human requirement for life.

Please break the lie that she doesn't want me which arises like a childish sulk.  "If she doesn't want me right now, then that means she really doesn't want me at all.  If I can't have what I want than I don't want anything.  If you don 't do what I want, then I don't like you anymore.  If I can't have control of the toy, then no one can play with it."

Goals:

100 times say to self, "you don't need sex, you can be at peace without an orgasm"

Rooted lie:  You can't live without sex, you can't cope with emotions without the release valve of an orgasm.

50 times say to self, "she does love you, she does want you, regardless of whether she wants sex right now.   Remember the last time she was really turned on--see it positively, not negatively.

Rooted lie:  She doesn't want you now, so she doesn't want you at all.  The porn fantasy is gagging for it 100% of the time and so if she doesn't want it right now then she doesn't desire you at all.


15 times let go of anger when not having sex that I expected at that opportunity.

12 times to say, "let's go to sleep, goodnight" without sex.

10 times to turn over and go to sleep without sex, without going downstairs (for food, sleepless night etc.)

5 times when making love, if orgasm doesn't happen, to let it go.

3 times to have an opportunity for sex with her, but not suggest it.

Your Spouse Should Know

1)  It's not about the frequency of sex.  She asks, "why are you angry/upset that we're not having sex right now, as we've just made love this morning/afternoon/last night, several times this week?

It's nothing to do with how often.  Addiction is a bottomless pit.  It's practically impossible to get "enough", so try to remember it's more about not being in control than the frequency. Not getting sex is painful, but other points of pain also trigger wanting sex.

2) It's not about you--often.  Romance gets left behind by sex.  Sex gets overshadowed by the orgasm.  You're the reason for the romance, and you're there.  But sometimes you get left behind.

3) We might not know why we are feeling these feelings.  We are feeling so many feelings:  anger, shame, frustration, hopelessness, yearning, emptiness... and we're feeling very horny. 

I realize talking through feelings is very helpful.  But it needs to be with the right person. Don't take it personally if a good counselor is needed rather than you for some of this rubbish.  Sometimes you're too close to be the one for the addict to talk out his strongest feelings.  You might not be the best person to objectively hear his pain at not having his pain relieved.  Maybe that's because you're the person who holds the power to give that sexual relief.  But you are so important, he's so fortunate to have you.  You personify real love, faithfulness, perseverance and steadfastness!  You Rock!

One Phrase

I was running and He dropped another thought into my head.  It was, "It's only pain".

I know God is good and He is always encouraging (even if he confronts or rebukes or challenges--it's ultimately for good--which is loving and encouraging).   So He didn't say this to me a few years ago when I might have heard it from a perspective of "your experience doesn't matter".  Or "you are not handling it correctly"

No, "It's only pain" is within things like, "You can do this!"  and "I believe in you"  It's not bigger than you.  Don't believe the enemies' lie that pain is this impossibly large and hugley immovable monster that you've never faced.

Like Rocky against Mr. T.  You're all, like "Come on and hit me, is that all you have?!!"

Worship the Worthy

My first counselor who tried to help me with my sex addiction said, when pushed, that he thought the condition was, on one level, idolatry.  That makes sense.  Any addiction is putting something, something that might not be bad in and of itself, in the place too high and too important--where really only God should be.

To Be Worshipped
But sex addiction touches on other imagery relating to worship.  The fantasy of Her wanting you, so much that she doesn't care who sees you do it.  Her not being able to stop herself, that sounds like someone worshipping you.  Her on her knees beholding your glory, seems very worshipful.  Wasn't that Lucifer's sin, to want to be worshipped?  Pride is our insecurity overcompensating.  I fear deep down that I'm a fraud, worthless and about to be found out and exposed at any moment.  To come back hard and strong in the opposite way is saying, "Look at me roar, I am a God!"  The truth is that we don't need to be ashamed.  He has given us value and there's nothing to be afraid, not least the lair of liars who tries to trick us into falling for the shame game.

Worshipping Her
I think I've written before about the image of the perfect woman, the Venus, the perfect beauty, perfect sensual creature. That's worshipping the female form, rather than the creative Creator and talented artist who sculpted her.  That's another easy mistake we can make.  Worshipping the awesome sunset or sunrise, instead of Him who crafted those things.  The crowning glory of all His creation is you--the one with the ability to think for yourself, choose whether to relate to Him or not, as well as make your own awesome creations.  I have wondered for a while why the traditional marriage vows say, "with my body I worship thee".  How's that fit in all this?

My Childhood Sex Fantasy Songs

Shook Me All Night Long, AC/DC

Rock and Roll Fantasy, Bad Company

Top Rough Boy, ZZ Top

Don't say a word, my virgin child

"spread your wings and let me come inside!"

Bob Seger, Night Moves

"She had points of her own, sittin; way up high.."

"I used her, she used me, neither one cared."

Counting Clean

since my last slip into masturbating, which was December 1st, 2017.

12 step program, SAA is best thing I've found in years! 

Remember:  don't turn on TV after 11pm
and earbuds by the bedside table aren't good when the broadband parental control password is easy to get via smartphone.  

Rules or tricks don't keep me clean, but being brave and being honest and accountable of my stumbles does.  I finally told her because I was fed up of our lack of closeness after many weeks, maybe a few months!

2nd try:

August 2019 was my last slip into looking at any porn.

12 step program, SAA is best thing I've found in years! 

Remember:  don't turn on TV after 11pm
and earbuds by the bedside table aren't good when the broadband parental control password is easy to get via smartphone.  

Rules or tricks don't keep me clean, but being brave and being honest and accountable of my stumbles does.  I finally told her because I was fed up of our lack of closeness after many weeks, maybe a few months!

So, I've slipped again.

So, I've slipped again.  Maybe it's the normal but difficult changes in our family dynamics (the effect on her, the effect on me, the effect on us).  Maybe it's something else.
Each time I slip, I find it harder than it's been in a long time to not slip again the next few weeks.  Is that a good enough reason to stay away?  No.  I miss the beautiful young firm sexy female shapes of porn.  I struggle bouncing my eyes away from them at work, I am disappointed in how time is taking a toll with Her body (though mine isn't great either).

The other night, when she'd turned me away without sex, I was struggling and feeling angry and couldn't relax to get to sleep.  I said to myself, "I'm tired of being ruled by this".  I thought I wanted to be able to be happy with or without sex.

Was that an important moment?  I hope so.

assessing 2 orgasms

I'm really horny and angry that she said no to a chance to make love.  I think about masturbating.  Worth remembering the times I did that and didn't feel any better afterward.  I felt worse and ashamed and a bigger gap between us, but no improvement or benefit.  It's just watching porn and the excitement and buzz and build-up of finding the stuff that is a strange kind of twisted enjoyment.  When I think about it, the orgasm doesn't offer much during masturbation.   I think the physical release of pressure of the orgasm is outweighed by the guilt and distance that I feel immediately. In real sex sometimes the orgasm isn't 100 times better than any other aspect of making love, but it's often the crowning glory, the climactic pinnacle (helped by there being no guilt and multiplied when you can enjoy giving your partner an orgasm too!).


With real sex, it's all great.  The build up, the journey, getting there, as well as the pay-off and destination.  I get to enjoy my great feelings, but even better is enjoying her enjoyment.  But with masturbation it's solitary guilt conflicted physical pleasure mixed and diluted in  the stream of negative stuff.  Starting out mediocre and bad with a little enjoyment scattered along the way, building toward a pay off of disappointment and self loathing.  Stopping to think about it:  would I choose those bad feelings over the pain that they're replacing? 

What did the singer songwriter Samantha Murphy say in an interview about giving up smoking, "I had to accept being ready to just sit and feel pain before I could every give up cigarettes." It's like that.  I need to just feel the anger, disappointment, pain.  It's more than just not getting sex, it's changing the automatic patterns (manually, one experience after another) and resetting the cycle so anger doesn't have to lead to temptation and expectation of sexual gratification.

If I masturbated about twice a day from 12 until 32 (sometimes more, sometimes less), then I've dug deep furrows of this action/response/reinforcement, well over 7 thousand times.  I wonder how many times I've chose to do the right thing and respond to pain (sadness, boredom, etc.) smarter?  I've masturbated a few times a year for the last few years.  Maybe I've chosen to go against the grain and fought against the tide a thousand times.   Who knows.

Control and Real Love

I am used to being in control of my orgasms, and I bought the lie from porn that I can be in control while she still "wants" it.  So I'm angry that I can't be in control of my orgasms and that she won't want to do it if I'm not letting go of control.

Maybe it's like us choosing to love God.  If He was in control and made us love/obey Him, it wouldn't mean anything, we'd be like robots.  So it'd be pointless love/obedience/relationship.  But for it to mean something, He chose to let us choose.  The good news is that when we choose right, choose Him, it's sweet and meaningful.  The flipside is that sometimes we take advantage of that free will and don't choose Him.  That makes the good meaningful, but it brings bad into the whole scenario.

The only way I can enjoy her really wanting to make love is by letting go and giving her the freedom to say no to sex.  Letting her off the hook of anger and disapproval for when she doesn't want it will actually ultimately bring me what I really do want--which is her really wanting to make love to me.  Of course it's not like in porn.  I'm not in control of when.  It's not all the time.  It's not always great.  But it's real and it's the way it's really supposed to be.

Some Questions To Get Somewhere

I often feel like my battle is going nowhere, or maybe just a small circle.

Here's some questions I would have liked to have been asked to break out of the cycle:

1) what will you miss about porn/masturbation most (just name 3 things, don't dwell too long).

2) what will you be glad of, and enjoy most when you are free from porn/masturbation?

Here's some I thought of:

Won't it be nice when you can have a cuddle and give your beloved some affection without it NEEDING to lead to sex? 

Won't it be nice when you don't have to spend all day worrying and trying to guess whether you'll get sex that night? 

Won't it be a breath of fresh air to relax knowing you can just go to sleep without feeling you need an orgasm?

Won't it be nice when sex is more about giving and less about your insatiable unquenchable needs?

Ah Ha Moment

The idea isn't the revelation.  Maybe the idea combined with a spiritual or emotional "kick".  I was troubled by my pain and demons, wishing I could have what I shouldn't, when I suddenly found this thought land in my head as if I looked down to see a surprise present had landed in my lap:

"I can be thankful for what I have instead of being heartbroken about what I want and can't have.

I was mulling over how much I miss visual sensual stimulus and thinking there's no way to get what I'm used, to what I crave, the amount I desire.  This is 'cause I've raised my appetite and expectations hugely through a few decades of porn.

It's good to work on the discipline of "bouncing your eyes" (see book Every Man's Battle) but it's equally important to  adjust your expectations and let die your desire which will never be met.  Taking up your Cross is painful, putting it to death the old self means tears and sleeplessness.  But a free life is worth it.  I am still behind many clouds, but I'm not fighting this for nothing.

Substitute

Some substitutions I've done for so long I don't even realize it anymore.  Substituting sexual gratification for love, substitution orgasm for boredom or sadness.

Now I'm craving being wanted.  I'm imagining her wanting to be affectionate and wanting my touch and my body.  But if it doesn't happen, I'll substitute sexual gratification in its place.  Thing is, it doesn't satisfy, so I'll still be craving.  Only difference is I'll have reinforced choosing unhelpfully, again.  And I might feel guilty or disappointed in myself.  So this is the cycle of addictive behavior.  You want something, you choose wrong, so you've made yourself feel worse, which drives you to choosing poorly again, and it gets stronger and more difficult.

It's the thing that makes us human that means we can break the cycle.  Our animal drives, lower impulses are where the addiction lives.  But our higher awareness and attitude and convictions can win. They can be even stronger than the base drives.  It's a battle, it's not easy.  We never win at each battle, but we can win the war.  We are so strong and so determined.  The spirit is willing, the flesh is weak, but the human heart can prevail!

So now I need to make a conscious decision to substitute what I naturally am drawn to, what I automatically want.  I want to reprogram myself, one decision at a time, to substitute orgasm for feeling the pain.  Instead of the buzz of an enticing image of female beauty, I have to leave that where it is and instead pursue a creative activity that takes effort and feels good in a much subtler and less tangible way.  I have to think about doing what's right at a time when I'm thinking least clearly.  I want to be open to His help when I am least interested in letting Him in.

Not about sex or lust

But writing and praying in this way is what I need right now, and it's probably all connected in some way anyway.

I am feeling mad.  I'm feeling angry that I'm being told to do stuff at work that I don't want to do.  I'm cross that after over a decade in this job I still have to do this kind of menial and basic task.

On one hand I'm feeling I shouldn't be having an attitude that I'm "above" certain work.  I want to live at work like I do at church (and hopefully like I do at home).  I want to serve like Jesus did and I want to be an example of being a good team player.  As I was on my way home from work today (where this all came up and I got SO ANGRY!) I thought, maybe I'm being too hard on myself (I usually am).  Maybe I'm blaming myself when there's other things going on as well (I often do).  But I don't know what else may be going on--that's as far as I got.

I do think it's ok to have a vision to do more interesting things.  I think it's a good skill to be able to successfully delegate and the thought that I'm not doing this as well as I'd like to compounds my frustration of feeling like"the bottom of the pile" here.

Father, what do you want me to do?  What are you saying to me here?

I give to you my attitude here. I want to be healed of my brokenness and I let you in to my mess. I want to know where I'm wrong and I am open to you convicting me and challenging me.  I am keen to repent and I don't want to avoid Godly sorry.  I accept the pain that comes with dying to my selfishness, please help me as I need your strength and your heart.  Thank you that it's ok to be broken and thank you that you want to be with me in this.

Letting Him In

I'm enjoying being more open with God, more honest than ever before.  I live so much of my life as if He wasn't there, but I'm letting Him in more and more.  And it's a glimpse of the life I've always wanted, and makes me hungry for more!

Today I saw a young woman with long hair and a nice figure and said in a prayer in my head,

"God!  It's not fair!  It's not fair that I can't have her!  It's not fair that I feel so turned-on so easily! "

I know how ridiculous this is, it's like a very young child having a tantrum.  But better to be honest and get these feelings out rather than keep them bouncing around inside--causing damage all along the way. 

Who can you trust with such vulnerability?  Who can be trusted with your heart laid out bare?  The One who really is so good and really does care about you and who really can "operate" on your heart expertly!

So I was thankful to not imagine God rebuking me for being so selfish and so wrong in my feelings.  I stuck with it and imagined how Jesus would respond.  Instead of reminding me of my sin and how my selfishness caused Him more pain and suffering on the cross, I was reminded how Jesus experienced every temptation--yet did not sin.  Then---wham!  I sensed Jesus alongside me saying He knows how I feel and He understands.  He knows unfair.  He has the Father's love to me, a Prodigal.  He was caring and giving and loving!  Wow! 

I think this is a healthy pattern for processing emotions.  Selfish thoughts needn't be condemning.  Sinful desires aren't wrong on their own.  Ironically, it's the shame and self loathing that goes with reacting wrongly to our bad thoughts and feelings that actually magnify shame and spiral us away from knowledge of God's grace and forgiveness.  I didn't have to immediately be heavy and sorrowful.  I could take my feelings to Jesus--casting even these cares on Him. 

This instead of that

Fill yourself with the right things, rather than just trying to avoid the bad.

Rather than focusing on your sins or flaws or weaknesses, spend more time worshiping Him and and considering His perfection and strength and grace and love and affirmation! 

Less, Less, Less

I am praying He will turn down my dial of expectations.  I want to not expect it so often, not care so much whether we do it, not get bent out of shape if it isn't great.

This will probably come from time and perseverance.  But that I'm asking Him for it is a good sign.   Talking to Him as much as I can remember to is good too. 

Delicate balance of contentment

I expect so much. I want us to make love, I want her to enjoy it, to be fulfilled and satisfied. Otherwise i feel something is missing. What if I'd feel that way anyway? What if my discontent is something else completely--as if its not all about sex.

I've established that the dull ache in my loins is not a physical symptom of Neding an orgasm. I will not die. The pain is not about my private parts. It's not all about sex after all. In the same way having fantastic sex doesn't solve everything g & missing perfection doesn't contribute or miss out on things being right in the world.

Fill er up

I'm feeling like my meter is showing red. It's been a long time (few weeks?) since we've really connected in mutually fulfilling lovemaking-/and the spiritual connection that brings that intimacy.

I am all too aware of a lot of times when she's not wanted to make love recently. I feel cheated. I feel appalled and like confronting her as if not wanting it is some sin or crime.

I can think about it and see that its heavy & not endearing for me to be demanding.

I'd like to be able to let go of my demanding neediness, my attitude of appalled entitlement--which must just make her feel used and taken for granted.

But every time I am in a room with her I just feel angry and I seem myself pulling away.  I want to let her know I'm not happy--as if I can manipulate her to being loving by me being unloving.

The usual question is, how to clear the air?  Do I let out the rubbish that's in me, which might be unfair and off-putting for her to hear?  In my head I know I can "cast my cares on Him, 'cause He cares for me" but being honest, I just can't manage that.  I talk to Him, I pray, I cry, I scream, I sing.  But when I'm back in the room with her it's all still there.

The usual pattern is that I carry around an atmosphere and a divide between us gets bigger.  Then we talk and I say, in one form or another, that I'm missing being close to her (and struggling from the times we didn't have sex recently).  She will get annoyed or cross that I'm being demanding and that enough is never enough.  She might instead just be understanding and giving.  Either way we--at least--have sex--and the tension is eased.  Or we might talk and reconnect properly, let things go, appreciate each other, and make love--which also resets the counter and puts my meter back in the green.  Until next time.

God, help me get rid of this lie that I need sex, that it's my right, that I can't be OK without it.  I want to show up free and not demanding. I want to be thoughtful of her not self-absorbed.  It's true that I will not die without an orgasm. It's true that the problem is not in my penis.  Nothing magical happens when I am stimulated (even if endorphins are pulsing through my brain which make it seem like everything is good in the universe).  It might reset a counter, but that's not the healthy rhythm I'm looking for as my final goal.  There's nothing physically necessary about expunging the ejaculate from my scrotum (even if it makes me feel so relaxed and even loved and accepted).  Besides, sometimes I have an orgasm and don't have those heavenly experiences.  Sex isn't synonymous with nirvana or whole completeness.

There are other ways to fill my tank.  They don't give as quick or visceral a reaction, but if I do something creative it will keep my tank from getting to low.  As does giving, helping,  making something with my hands (sawing, nailing, drawing, getting my ideas out in the world, sharing insights, encouraging breakthrough, etc.).

Galatians 6:8

He who sows to his own flesh (lower nature, sensuality) will from the flesh reap decay and ruin and destruction, but he who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. 

 Don’t be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.

 If you live to satisfy your sinful self, the harvest you will get from that will be eternal death. But if you live to please the Spirit, your harvest from the Spirit will be eternal life.

If you follow your selfish desires, you will harvest destruction, but if you follow the Spirit, you will harvest eternal life

If they plant ·to satisfy [or in the field of; ^Linto; to] their ·sinful selves [sinful nature; flesh], ·their sinful selves will bring them ruin [^Lthey will reap destruction from the flesh]. But if they plant ·to please [or in the field of; ^Linto; to] the Spirit, they will ·receive [reap; harvest] eternal life from the Spirit.

 فَالَّذِي يَزرَعُ لِرَغَباتِهِ الأنانِيَّةِ، سَيَحصُدُ فَساداً. أمّا الَّذِي يَزرَعُ لِلرُّوحِ، فَسَيَحصُدُ حَياةً أبَدِيَّةً مِنَ الرُّوحِ.

 

Effect of an Orgasm

I think I know some core and fundamental things that I get from orgasm.

If it's hers, I know power and potency. 

Yes, I feel Powerful.  It's a great thrill, a fantastic buzz.  It's a manly heady thing which I really enjoy.

Potent too.  I feel like I've made an impact, made a difference, blazed a trail and made my mark. 

If it's mine, I feel accepted and loved.  Plain and simple.  Undeniable experiences of satisfaction and impartation.