Control and Real Love

I am used to being in control of my orgasms, and I bought the lie from porn that I can be in control while she still "wants" it.  So I'm angry that I can't be in control of my orgasms and that she won't want to do it if I'm not letting go of control.

Maybe it's like us choosing to love God.  If He was in control and made us love/obey Him, it wouldn't mean anything, we'd be like robots.  So it'd be pointless love/obedience/relationship.  But for it to mean something, He chose to let us choose.  The good news is that when we choose right, choose Him, it's sweet and meaningful.  The flipside is that sometimes we take advantage of that free will and don't choose Him.  That makes the good meaningful, but it brings bad into the whole scenario.

The only way I can enjoy her really wanting to make love is by letting go and giving her the freedom to say no to sex.  Letting her off the hook of anger and disapproval for when she doesn't want it will actually ultimately bring me what I really do want--which is her really wanting to make love to me.  Of course it's not like in porn.  I'm not in control of when.  It's not all the time.  It's not always great.  But it's real and it's the way it's really supposed to be.

Some Questions To Get Somewhere

I often feel like my battle is going nowhere, or maybe just a small circle.

Here's some questions I would have liked to have been asked to break out of the cycle:

1) what will you miss about porn/masturbation most (just name 3 things, don't dwell too long).

2) what will you be glad of, and enjoy most when you are free from porn/masturbation?

Here's some I thought of:

Won't it be nice when you can have a cuddle and give your beloved some affection without it NEEDING to lead to sex? 

Won't it be nice when you don't have to spend all day worrying and trying to guess whether you'll get sex that night? 

Won't it be a breath of fresh air to relax knowing you can just go to sleep without feeling you need an orgasm?

Won't it be nice when sex is more about giving and less about your insatiable unquenchable needs?

Ah Ha Moment

The idea isn't the revelation.  Maybe the idea combined with a spiritual or emotional "kick".  I was troubled by my pain and demons, wishing I could have what I shouldn't, when I suddenly found this thought land in my head as if I looked down to see a surprise present had landed in my lap:

"I can be thankful for what I have instead of being heartbroken about what I want and can't have.

I was mulling over how much I miss visual sensual stimulus and thinking there's no way to get what I'm used, to what I crave, the amount I desire.  This is 'cause I've raised my appetite and expectations hugely through a few decades of porn.

It's good to work on the discipline of "bouncing your eyes" (see book Every Man's Battle) but it's equally important to  adjust your expectations and let die your desire which will never be met.  Taking up your Cross is painful, putting it to death the old self means tears and sleeplessness.  But a free life is worth it.  I am still behind many clouds, but I'm not fighting this for nothing.

Substitute

Some substitutions I've done for so long I don't even realize it anymore.  Substituting sexual gratification for love, substitution orgasm for boredom or sadness.

Now I'm craving being wanted.  I'm imagining her wanting to be affectionate and wanting my touch and my body.  But if it doesn't happen, I'll substitute sexual gratification in its place.  Thing is, it doesn't satisfy, so I'll still be craving.  Only difference is I'll have reinforced choosing unhelpfully, again.  And I might feel guilty or disappointed in myself.  So this is the cycle of addictive behavior.  You want something, you choose wrong, so you've made yourself feel worse, which drives you to choosing poorly again, and it gets stronger and more difficult.

It's the thing that makes us human that means we can break the cycle.  Our animal drives, lower impulses are where the addiction lives.  But our higher awareness and attitude and convictions can win. They can be even stronger than the base drives.  It's a battle, it's not easy.  We never win at each battle, but we can win the war.  We are so strong and so determined.  The spirit is willing, the flesh is weak, but the human heart can prevail!

So now I need to make a conscious decision to substitute what I naturally am drawn to, what I automatically want.  I want to reprogram myself, one decision at a time, to substitute orgasm for feeling the pain.  Instead of the buzz of an enticing image of female beauty, I have to leave that where it is and instead pursue a creative activity that takes effort and feels good in a much subtler and less tangible way.  I have to think about doing what's right at a time when I'm thinking least clearly.  I want to be open to His help when I am least interested in letting Him in.

Not about sex or lust

But writing and praying in this way is what I need right now, and it's probably all connected in some way anyway.

I am feeling mad.  I'm feeling angry that I'm being told to do stuff at work that I don't want to do.  I'm cross that after over a decade in this job I still have to do this kind of menial and basic task.

On one hand I'm feeling I shouldn't be having an attitude that I'm "above" certain work.  I want to live at work like I do at church (and hopefully like I do at home).  I want to serve like Jesus did and I want to be an example of being a good team player.  As I was on my way home from work today (where this all came up and I got SO ANGRY!) I thought, maybe I'm being too hard on myself (I usually am).  Maybe I'm blaming myself when there's other things going on as well (I often do).  But I don't know what else may be going on--that's as far as I got.

I do think it's ok to have a vision to do more interesting things.  I think it's a good skill to be able to successfully delegate and the thought that I'm not doing this as well as I'd like to compounds my frustration of feeling like"the bottom of the pile" here.

Father, what do you want me to do?  What are you saying to me here?

I give to you my attitude here. I want to be healed of my brokenness and I let you in to my mess. I want to know where I'm wrong and I am open to you convicting me and challenging me.  I am keen to repent and I don't want to avoid Godly sorry.  I accept the pain that comes with dying to my selfishness, please help me as I need your strength and your heart.  Thank you that it's ok to be broken and thank you that you want to be with me in this.

Letting Him In

I'm enjoying being more open with God, more honest than ever before.  I live so much of my life as if He wasn't there, but I'm letting Him in more and more.  And it's a glimpse of the life I've always wanted, and makes me hungry for more!

Today I saw a young woman with long hair and a nice figure and said in a prayer in my head,

"God!  It's not fair!  It's not fair that I can't have her!  It's not fair that I feel so turned-on so easily! "

I know how ridiculous this is, it's like a very young child having a tantrum.  But better to be honest and get these feelings out rather than keep them bouncing around inside--causing damage all along the way. 

Who can you trust with such vulnerability?  Who can be trusted with your heart laid out bare?  The One who really is so good and really does care about you and who really can "operate" on your heart expertly!

So I was thankful to not imagine God rebuking me for being so selfish and so wrong in my feelings.  I stuck with it and imagined how Jesus would respond.  Instead of reminding me of my sin and how my selfishness caused Him more pain and suffering on the cross, I was reminded how Jesus experienced every temptation--yet did not sin.  Then---wham!  I sensed Jesus alongside me saying He knows how I feel and He understands.  He knows unfair.  He has the Father's love to me, a Prodigal.  He was caring and giving and loving!  Wow! 

I think this is a healthy pattern for processing emotions.  Selfish thoughts needn't be condemning.  Sinful desires aren't wrong on their own.  Ironically, it's the shame and self loathing that goes with reacting wrongly to our bad thoughts and feelings that actually magnify shame and spiral us away from knowledge of God's grace and forgiveness.  I didn't have to immediately be heavy and sorrowful.  I could take my feelings to Jesus--casting even these cares on Him. 

This instead of that

Fill yourself with the right things, rather than just trying to avoid the bad.

Rather than focusing on your sins or flaws or weaknesses, spend more time worshiping Him and and considering His perfection and strength and grace and love and affirmation! 

Less, Less, Less

I am praying He will turn down my dial of expectations.  I want to not expect it so often, not care so much whether we do it, not get bent out of shape if it isn't great.

This will probably come from time and perseverance.  But that I'm asking Him for it is a good sign.   Talking to Him as much as I can remember to is good too. 

Delicate balance of contentment

I expect so much. I want us to make love, I want her to enjoy it, to be fulfilled and satisfied. Otherwise i feel something is missing. What if I'd feel that way anyway? What if my discontent is something else completely--as if its not all about sex.

I've established that the dull ache in my loins is not a physical symptom of Neding an orgasm. I will not die. The pain is not about my private parts. It's not all about sex after all. In the same way having fantastic sex doesn't solve everything g & missing perfection doesn't contribute or miss out on things being right in the world.

Fill er up

I'm feeling like my meter is showing red. It's been a long time (few weeks?) since we've really connected in mutually fulfilling lovemaking-/and the spiritual connection that brings that intimacy.

I am all too aware of a lot of times when she's not wanted to make love recently. I feel cheated. I feel appalled and like confronting her as if not wanting it is some sin or crime.

I can think about it and see that its heavy & not endearing for me to be demanding.

I'd like to be able to let go of my demanding neediness, my attitude of appalled entitlement--which must just make her feel used and taken for granted.

But every time I am in a room with her I just feel angry and I seem myself pulling away.  I want to let her know I'm not happy--as if I can manipulate her to being loving by me being unloving.

The usual question is, how to clear the air?  Do I let out the rubbish that's in me, which might be unfair and off-putting for her to hear?  In my head I know I can "cast my cares on Him, 'cause He cares for me" but being honest, I just can't manage that.  I talk to Him, I pray, I cry, I scream, I sing.  But when I'm back in the room with her it's all still there.

The usual pattern is that I carry around an atmosphere and a divide between us gets bigger.  Then we talk and I say, in one form or another, that I'm missing being close to her (and struggling from the times we didn't have sex recently).  She will get annoyed or cross that I'm being demanding and that enough is never enough.  She might instead just be understanding and giving.  Either way we--at least--have sex--and the tension is eased.  Or we might talk and reconnect properly, let things go, appreciate each other, and make love--which also resets the counter and puts my meter back in the green.  Until next time.

God, help me get rid of this lie that I need sex, that it's my right, that I can't be OK without it.  I want to show up free and not demanding. I want to be thoughtful of her not self-absorbed.  It's true that I will not die without an orgasm. It's true that the problem is not in my penis.  Nothing magical happens when I am stimulated (even if endorphins are pulsing through my brain which make it seem like everything is good in the universe).  It might reset a counter, but that's not the healthy rhythm I'm looking for as my final goal.  There's nothing physically necessary about expunging the ejaculate from my scrotum (even if it makes me feel so relaxed and even loved and accepted).  Besides, sometimes I have an orgasm and don't have those heavenly experiences.  Sex isn't synonymous with nirvana or whole completeness.

There are other ways to fill my tank.  They don't give as quick or visceral a reaction, but if I do something creative it will keep my tank from getting to low.  As does giving, helping,  making something with my hands (sawing, nailing, drawing, getting my ideas out in the world, sharing insights, encouraging breakthrough, etc.).

Galatians 6:8

He who sows to his own flesh (lower nature, sensuality) will from the flesh reap decay and ruin and destruction, but he who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. 

 Don’t be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.

 If you live to satisfy your sinful self, the harvest you will get from that will be eternal death. But if you live to please the Spirit, your harvest from the Spirit will be eternal life.

If you follow your selfish desires, you will harvest destruction, but if you follow the Spirit, you will harvest eternal life

If they plant ·to satisfy [or in the field of; ^Linto; to] their ·sinful selves [sinful nature; flesh], ·their sinful selves will bring them ruin [^Lthey will reap destruction from the flesh]. But if they plant ·to please [or in the field of; ^Linto; to] the Spirit, they will ·receive [reap; harvest] eternal life from the Spirit.

 فَالَّذِي يَزرَعُ لِرَغَباتِهِ الأنانِيَّةِ، سَيَحصُدُ فَساداً. أمّا الَّذِي يَزرَعُ لِلرُّوحِ، فَسَيَحصُدُ حَياةً أبَدِيَّةً مِنَ الرُّوحِ.

 

Effect of an Orgasm

I think I know some core and fundamental things that I get from orgasm.

If it's hers, I know power and potency. 

Yes, I feel Powerful.  It's a great thrill, a fantastic buzz.  It's a manly heady thing which I really enjoy.

Potent too.  I feel like I've made an impact, made a difference, blazed a trail and made my mark. 

If it's mine, I feel accepted and loved.  Plain and simple.  Undeniable experiences of satisfaction and impartation. 

Bit By Bit instead of Big Bang

I usually notice wrong thinking, bad decision, harmful habits and try to see the big picture they fit into. When I notice I'm in the habit of automatically locking my eyes on part of a an attractive woman's body--from a distance, I think...

"What's this all about? Why, where does this come from?" I see it as huge. I.e. I supposed decades of porn and ogling & lust has made this so hard.

But the Soul Revolution experiment is helping me to think in the now and pray and involve God in a way that isn't so overwhelming.

The best way to eat an elephant, so the saying goes, is one bite at a time. So let's try that for changing and being changed by Him too! An encouraging approach that feels like a gracious breath of fresh air of grace and love!

Aggressive, Passively

Noticed part of how I am learning to process anger is to not 'act out' by being passive aggressive.

Didn't know I do this, but i think I do. Don't bottle it up, don't seek other gratification (sex, food) when angry. And don't let it leak out subtly either.

Hmmm.

Bible Study: purity

“I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman." Job 31:1

Holy Spirit thank you that you are here and wanting me to succeed. 

"Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ." Rom 3:22 MSG

Thank you Father for placing me in Christ Jesus "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! 

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Cor 10:12-13 NIV

Thank you Father for having strength I can use to bear temptation.

"Don’t be so naive and self-confident. You’re not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it’s useless. Cultivate God-confidence. No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it." 1 Cor 10:12-13 MSG

Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. 2 Cor 7:1

Thank you Jesus that you have are growing my heart of holiness and reverence for God.

"If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin." 1 John 6-7

Thank you Jesus for your Blood and the Cross and cleanliness from all my sin! 

What is sin? to miss the target, such as the target when shooting slings (Judges 20:16), or God (Exodus 20:20) Do not confuse the righteousness of God that is upon us through faith in Christ, and the fruits of righteousness that God wants us to bear as we grow in Him.

Doing it Different

We're pulling back the layers and being really honest.  This morning she didn't feel very well and I was very horney.  If I was perfect I'd say, "oh, poor you.  Nevermind about my desires."  But I was worried about how could I tell her that I'm horney without being pushy about it.  I just told her that pretty much straight.  She said she didn't feel like it but maybe tomorrow.  Then we sat on the bed talking for ages and every time she touched me I was hoping she'd changed her mind.  Lacy knickers were on the floor right in front of my line of sight and I couldn't keep my eyes off them.

I've been wondering if she really meant no and hoping she'd "throw me a bone" the whole morning.  I imagined how asking her would not be thoughtful and how I might even find it a disappointment from the emotional pesrpective (but not physically!)  When she got close to me and thanked me for being understanding, I finally knew no was no.

Now I'm feeling angry and grumbling "F*CK!, F*CK!, F*CK! under my breath.  I change it to "DIE!, DIE! DIE! willing and praying for my flesh to be crucified in this pain.  Tonight/tomorrow isn't forever. 

I'm glad I'm able to not withdraw from her and I'm glad I'm not heavy or pouting or "beside myself".  I do want to stay away from our bedroom and bathroom while she gets dressed and ready.  I really am drawn to try to change her mind in that opportunity.  I do want to eat or sleep or find something to get away.  I want to masturbate too, sorta.  Sexy comedy videos aren't helpful but they have a strong attraction too.  Grrrrr!  She doesn't know how hard this is, but it doesn't matter to what's right.

Change ain't easy

So I suggested we make love less. My hope that she'll resist shows how far these stupid fantasies from porn of insatiable sex mad women has gone.

Anyway, making the decision isn't the hardest part. I've been resentful & angry & sad. Do I really think that I can change things by protesting? I want to process these feelings in a healthy way. Maybe I'm not being manipulative. I dont know if the hurt is exaggerated by me in hopes that pity will move her to give me what I want.

Honestly, brutally honestly, I'm feeling angry that she's "making" me go through this. I'm feeling hurt by my unmet desires & want to punish or at least withdraw from her. Not nice. These are the raw selfish broken ways--hopefully it doesn't get much lower or twisted than this. Godly sorrow -> tue repentance. Shame be broken by this being out in the light where truth and freedom and healing live!

Scheduling Sex

I hear Mark Gungor (great man of God, check him out, he's like no other) saying if a couple has trouble prioritising their sex life they should schedule it in their diary like anything else that's important.

I'm trying to talk to her about when and how often we have sex--not to make sure we do it more (I'd like that) but to help myself to let go and give-in to making love less often.  God, please give me a pat on the back for suggesting and trying to do this.  It's not easy, it's scary and painful.  I pray it breaks the lie that I can't live without it.  I want to be a man by facing the pain and diving into the challenge head on!

I want her to want to make love.  She enjoys is once she gets into it, but I've been so demanding for so long that she can't remember the last time she thought about wanting to do it.  Sigh.... When living by the fleshful desires we end up driving away the very thing we want.  I pray that by letting go I will end up regaining what I was grasping for and trying to control (plus be a giving lover and a thoughtful husband).  Let it go.  Let it die.  If you lose your life you will find it. Not really a contradiction but an amazing mystery.

So we we've talked about it once.  We haven't agreed yet, but we might be agreeing/expecting to "do it" once or twice during the week and once at weekends.  Three times a week happens, but probably more than half the time we do more.  Twice a week could be a challenge, almost like a fast.  They say your sperm production increases to keep up with "demand".  I wonder if I'd have a wet dream if we did a month of twice a week? I read that purposefully abstaining from sex for long enough to have two wet dreams is a perfectly healthy way to "reboot" your sexual appetite.  Whew!


Some how we need to be relaxed and not overly rigid or legalistic.  If I demand my "sessions" in the wrong spirit she won't want to give me even that much.  If I'm not flexible and releasing about times she doesn't want to do it (regardless of how our count is going) that won't help our sex life.  Biggest problem is she says we need to be free to still do it more if we want to.  That means I might still be hoping and wishing and obsessed and pushing for it and ignore our plans to reduce the regularity of our love making.  The flesh and addiction in me wants MORE and cries at the thought of less.   Maybe agreeing it in a conversation in the cold of day will make it easier than to face the new raw pain at night when we're both tired and it feels very much to me like, "This always happens" when she says no, even if it's actually far far less than half the time (and far far less than most husbands suffer).  She's acutely aware of all the times we do it (most evenings).  I'm exageratingly painfully aware of the times we don't do it.

What would make this best is to pray together more.  On nights before we go to sleep (regardless of whether we've 'done it' or not it'd be great to pray a very simple prayer together, or initiated by one or the other with a simple "amen" by the other.  "Thank you Father for our love life, for my spouse" would be great.

Addiction causes. Triggers

Russell Brand's excellent documentary on addiction says experts in the brain found three interesting reasons for addiction

Stress: some brains react to stress in a way that makes addictive behaviour far more likely even though everyone experiences stress. Some people have a condition where being cut causes them to bleed but it does not clot. They don't use this condition as an excuse to not take responsibility for treating cuts or avoiding cuts, but it's different for them.  They have to live differently.


Dopamine: some have low levels of dopamine. Anyone with this irregularity will find it hard to avoid something that triggers or increases this vital natural chemical that is found in all our brains, naturally. Without enough dopamine we find it hard to get out of bed,we are low and are very susceptible to temptation of things that will make us feel better.

Impulsivity:  people who suffered from problems with addiction to strong drugs were all found to be highly impuslive. Everyone has temptations and desires that aren't healthy.  Those who are particularly impulsive are at higher risk of acting on those desires.  I might say, "No" 99 times, but sometimes I find myself on the other side of "yes" before I realise what I've done.  My impulsiveness can work for me as well.  Sometimes I get up and go for a run before I have a chance to think about how much I don't want to exercise.  I once threw away my entire stash of pot in a rightly motivated impulse to clean up and fly right!

If you struggle with addicition (porn, etc.) you might need to take responsibility for your moods, learn to change the ways you cope with stress, and manage your impulses much tighter than most.  Freedom is possible, it's up to us to take responsibility then, and only then, do I believe God will step in and give us a miracle.

She's strong, I'm appauled

Read an excellent book Boundaries. She's reading it now & it's helping her to see that her feelings and wants are important too.

All that good stuff yet I'm livid that she said she didn't want to do it last mint. Why not? Because she's free and it's not a burden. She was annoyed at me and didn't feel like it. It had only been two nights since we did it. But I'm appalled & powerfully driven to challenge or plead or any other word that means convince or control her . It's like I can't let go & get past her saying no & I think she owes it to me. I can't think about anything else and don't want anything except to "put right" what seems so wrong. I have been changing my "fuck. Fuck! Fuck!" expressions and cries to "Die! Die die" but the newness has worn off & it doesn't seem so useful anymore.