Delicate balance of contentment

I expect so much. I want us to make love, I want her to enjoy it, to be fulfilled and satisfied. Otherwise i feel something is missing. What if I'd feel that way anyway? What if my discontent is something else completely--as if its not all about sex.

I've established that the dull ache in my loins is not a physical symptom of Neding an orgasm. I will not die. The pain is not about my private parts. It's not all about sex after all. In the same way having fantastic sex doesn't solve everything g & missing perfection doesn't contribute or miss out on things being right in the world.

Fill er up

I'm feeling like my meter is showing red. It's been a long time (few weeks?) since we've really connected in mutually fulfilling lovemaking-/and the spiritual connection that brings that intimacy.

I am all too aware of a lot of times when she's not wanted to make love recently. I feel cheated. I feel appalled and like confronting her as if not wanting it is some sin or crime.

I can think about it and see that its heavy & not endearing for me to be demanding.

I'd like to be able to let go of my demanding neediness, my attitude of appalled entitlement--which must just make her feel used and taken for granted.

But every time I am in a room with her I just feel angry and I seem myself pulling away.  I want to let her know I'm not happy--as if I can manipulate her to being loving by me being unloving.

The usual question is, how to clear the air?  Do I let out the rubbish that's in me, which might be unfair and off-putting for her to hear?  In my head I know I can "cast my cares on Him, 'cause He cares for me" but being honest, I just can't manage that.  I talk to Him, I pray, I cry, I scream, I sing.  But when I'm back in the room with her it's all still there.

The usual pattern is that I carry around an atmosphere and a divide between us gets bigger.  Then we talk and I say, in one form or another, that I'm missing being close to her (and struggling from the times we didn't have sex recently).  She will get annoyed or cross that I'm being demanding and that enough is never enough.  She might instead just be understanding and giving.  Either way we--at least--have sex--and the tension is eased.  Or we might talk and reconnect properly, let things go, appreciate each other, and make love--which also resets the counter and puts my meter back in the green.  Until next time.

God, help me get rid of this lie that I need sex, that it's my right, that I can't be OK without it.  I want to show up free and not demanding. I want to be thoughtful of her not self-absorbed.  It's true that I will not die without an orgasm. It's true that the problem is not in my penis.  Nothing magical happens when I am stimulated (even if endorphins are pulsing through my brain which make it seem like everything is good in the universe).  It might reset a counter, but that's not the healthy rhythm I'm looking for as my final goal.  There's nothing physically necessary about expunging the ejaculate from my scrotum (even if it makes me feel so relaxed and even loved and accepted).  Besides, sometimes I have an orgasm and don't have those heavenly experiences.  Sex isn't synonymous with nirvana or whole completeness.

There are other ways to fill my tank.  They don't give as quick or visceral a reaction, but if I do something creative it will keep my tank from getting to low.  As does giving, helping,  making something with my hands (sawing, nailing, drawing, getting my ideas out in the world, sharing insights, encouraging breakthrough, etc.).

Galatians 6:8

He who sows to his own flesh (lower nature, sensuality) will from the flesh reap decay and ruin and destruction, but he who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. 

 Don’t be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.

 If you live to satisfy your sinful self, the harvest you will get from that will be eternal death. But if you live to please the Spirit, your harvest from the Spirit will be eternal life.

If you follow your selfish desires, you will harvest destruction, but if you follow the Spirit, you will harvest eternal life

If they plant ·to satisfy [or in the field of; ^Linto; to] their ·sinful selves [sinful nature; flesh], ·their sinful selves will bring them ruin [^Lthey will reap destruction from the flesh]. But if they plant ·to please [or in the field of; ^Linto; to] the Spirit, they will ·receive [reap; harvest] eternal life from the Spirit.

 فَالَّذِي يَزرَعُ لِرَغَباتِهِ الأنانِيَّةِ، سَيَحصُدُ فَساداً. أمّا الَّذِي يَزرَعُ لِلرُّوحِ، فَسَيَحصُدُ حَياةً أبَدِيَّةً مِنَ الرُّوحِ.

 

Effect of an Orgasm

I think I know some core and fundamental things that I get from orgasm.

If it's hers, I know power and potency. 

Yes, I feel Powerful.  It's a great thrill, a fantastic buzz.  It's a manly heady thing which I really enjoy.

Potent too.  I feel like I've made an impact, made a difference, blazed a trail and made my mark. 

If it's mine, I feel accepted and loved.  Plain and simple.  Undeniable experiences of satisfaction and impartation. 

Bit By Bit instead of Big Bang

I usually notice wrong thinking, bad decision, harmful habits and try to see the big picture they fit into. When I notice I'm in the habit of automatically locking my eyes on part of a an attractive woman's body--from a distance, I think...

"What's this all about? Why, where does this come from?" I see it as huge. I.e. I supposed decades of porn and ogling & lust has made this so hard.

But the Soul Revolution experiment is helping me to think in the now and pray and involve God in a way that isn't so overwhelming.

The best way to eat an elephant, so the saying goes, is one bite at a time. So let's try that for changing and being changed by Him too! An encouraging approach that feels like a gracious breath of fresh air of grace and love!

Aggressive, Passively

Noticed part of how I am learning to process anger is to not 'act out' by being passive aggressive.

Didn't know I do this, but i think I do. Don't bottle it up, don't seek other gratification (sex, food) when angry. And don't let it leak out subtly either.

Hmmm.

Bible Study: purity

“I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman." Job 31:1

Holy Spirit thank you that you are here and wanting me to succeed. 

"Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ." Rom 3:22 MSG

Thank you Father for placing me in Christ Jesus "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! 

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Cor 10:12-13 NIV

Thank you Father for having strength I can use to bear temptation.

"Don’t be so naive and self-confident. You’re not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it’s useless. Cultivate God-confidence. No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it." 1 Cor 10:12-13 MSG

Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. 2 Cor 7:1

Thank you Jesus that you have are growing my heart of holiness and reverence for God.

"If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin." 1 John 6-7

Thank you Jesus for your Blood and the Cross and cleanliness from all my sin! 

What is sin? to miss the target, such as the target when shooting slings (Judges 20:16), or God (Exodus 20:20) Do not confuse the righteousness of God that is upon us through faith in Christ, and the fruits of righteousness that God wants us to bear as we grow in Him.

Doing it Different

We're pulling back the layers and being really honest.  This morning she didn't feel very well and I was very horney.  If I was perfect I'd say, "oh, poor you.  Nevermind about my desires."  But I was worried about how could I tell her that I'm horney without being pushy about it.  I just told her that pretty much straight.  She said she didn't feel like it but maybe tomorrow.  Then we sat on the bed talking for ages and every time she touched me I was hoping she'd changed her mind.  Lacy knickers were on the floor right in front of my line of sight and I couldn't keep my eyes off them.

I've been wondering if she really meant no and hoping she'd "throw me a bone" the whole morning.  I imagined how asking her would not be thoughtful and how I might even find it a disappointment from the emotional pesrpective (but not physically!)  When she got close to me and thanked me for being understanding, I finally knew no was no.

Now I'm feeling angry and grumbling "F*CK!, F*CK!, F*CK! under my breath.  I change it to "DIE!, DIE! DIE! willing and praying for my flesh to be crucified in this pain.  Tonight/tomorrow isn't forever. 

I'm glad I'm able to not withdraw from her and I'm glad I'm not heavy or pouting or "beside myself".  I do want to stay away from our bedroom and bathroom while she gets dressed and ready.  I really am drawn to try to change her mind in that opportunity.  I do want to eat or sleep or find something to get away.  I want to masturbate too, sorta.  Sexy comedy videos aren't helpful but they have a strong attraction too.  Grrrrr!  She doesn't know how hard this is, but it doesn't matter to what's right.

Change ain't easy

So I suggested we make love less. My hope that she'll resist shows how far these stupid fantasies from porn of insatiable sex mad women has gone.

Anyway, making the decision isn't the hardest part. I've been resentful & angry & sad. Do I really think that I can change things by protesting? I want to process these feelings in a healthy way. Maybe I'm not being manipulative. I dont know if the hurt is exaggerated by me in hopes that pity will move her to give me what I want.

Honestly, brutally honestly, I'm feeling angry that she's "making" me go through this. I'm feeling hurt by my unmet desires & want to punish or at least withdraw from her. Not nice. These are the raw selfish broken ways--hopefully it doesn't get much lower or twisted than this. Godly sorrow -> tue repentance. Shame be broken by this being out in the light where truth and freedom and healing live!

Scheduling Sex

I hear Mark Gungor (great man of God, check him out, he's like no other) saying if a couple has trouble prioritising their sex life they should schedule it in their diary like anything else that's important.

I'm trying to talk to her about when and how often we have sex--not to make sure we do it more (I'd like that) but to help myself to let go and give-in to making love less often.  God, please give me a pat on the back for suggesting and trying to do this.  It's not easy, it's scary and painful.  I pray it breaks the lie that I can't live without it.  I want to be a man by facing the pain and diving into the challenge head on!

I want her to want to make love.  She enjoys is once she gets into it, but I've been so demanding for so long that she can't remember the last time she thought about wanting to do it.  Sigh.... When living by the fleshful desires we end up driving away the very thing we want.  I pray that by letting go I will end up regaining what I was grasping for and trying to control (plus be a giving lover and a thoughtful husband).  Let it go.  Let it die.  If you lose your life you will find it. Not really a contradiction but an amazing mystery.

So we we've talked about it once.  We haven't agreed yet, but we might be agreeing/expecting to "do it" once or twice during the week and once at weekends.  Three times a week happens, but probably more than half the time we do more.  Twice a week could be a challenge, almost like a fast.  They say your sperm production increases to keep up with "demand".  I wonder if I'd have a wet dream if we did a month of twice a week? I read that purposefully abstaining from sex for long enough to have two wet dreams is a perfectly healthy way to "reboot" your sexual appetite.  Whew!


Some how we need to be relaxed and not overly rigid or legalistic.  If I demand my "sessions" in the wrong spirit she won't want to give me even that much.  If I'm not flexible and releasing about times she doesn't want to do it (regardless of how our count is going) that won't help our sex life.  Biggest problem is she says we need to be free to still do it more if we want to.  That means I might still be hoping and wishing and obsessed and pushing for it and ignore our plans to reduce the regularity of our love making.  The flesh and addiction in me wants MORE and cries at the thought of less.   Maybe agreeing it in a conversation in the cold of day will make it easier than to face the new raw pain at night when we're both tired and it feels very much to me like, "This always happens" when she says no, even if it's actually far far less than half the time (and far far less than most husbands suffer).  She's acutely aware of all the times we do it (most evenings).  I'm exageratingly painfully aware of the times we don't do it.

What would make this best is to pray together more.  On nights before we go to sleep (regardless of whether we've 'done it' or not it'd be great to pray a very simple prayer together, or initiated by one or the other with a simple "amen" by the other.  "Thank you Father for our love life, for my spouse" would be great.

Addiction causes. Triggers

Russell Brand's excellent documentary on addiction says experts in the brain found three interesting reasons for addiction

Stress: some brains react to stress in a way that makes addictive behaviour far more likely even though everyone experiences stress. Some people have a condition where being cut causes them to bleed but it does not clot. They don't use this condition as an excuse to not take responsibility for treating cuts or avoiding cuts, but it's different for them.  They have to live differently.


Dopamine: some have low levels of dopamine. Anyone with this irregularity will find it hard to avoid something that triggers or increases this vital natural chemical that is found in all our brains, naturally. Without enough dopamine we find it hard to get out of bed,we are low and are very susceptible to temptation of things that will make us feel better.

Impulsivity:  people who suffered from problems with addiction to strong drugs were all found to be highly impuslive. Everyone has temptations and desires that aren't healthy.  Those who are particularly impulsive are at higher risk of acting on those desires.  I might say, "No" 99 times, but sometimes I find myself on the other side of "yes" before I realise what I've done.  My impulsiveness can work for me as well.  Sometimes I get up and go for a run before I have a chance to think about how much I don't want to exercise.  I once threw away my entire stash of pot in a rightly motivated impulse to clean up and fly right!

If you struggle with addicition (porn, etc.) you might need to take responsibility for your moods, learn to change the ways you cope with stress, and manage your impulses much tighter than most.  Freedom is possible, it's up to us to take responsibility then, and only then, do I believe God will step in and give us a miracle.

She's strong, I'm appauled

Read an excellent book Boundaries. She's reading it now & it's helping her to see that her feelings and wants are important too.

All that good stuff yet I'm livid that she said she didn't want to do it last mint. Why not? Because she's free and it's not a burden. She was annoyed at me and didn't feel like it. It had only been two nights since we did it. But I'm appalled & powerfully driven to challenge or plead or any other word that means convince or control her . It's like I can't let go & get past her saying no & I think she owes it to me. I can't think about anything else and don't want anything except to "put right" what seems so wrong. I have been changing my "fuck. Fuck! Fuck!" expressions and cries to "Die! Die die" but the newness has worn off & it doesn't seem so useful anymore.

Help Me Be a Man

Father help me, search me, change me. I am still being demanding and creating an atmosphere of heaviness and neediness.

I need your help in crucifying this. I want to do it. I want to let go, to allow it, to drive the blade in deep with no holding back.

I don't want to turn back. I want to be free to accept the pain and stop pushing her out of my ridiculous wants and desires. Sex every day, every time we're alone is just not gonna happen. Get over it. Deal with it.

Truth is its not about your orgasms, not physically. There's no problem with you not getting it last night or today. You will be fine. As Mark Gungor says, "you will not die".

Benefits of My Freedom

No pressure for her when we don't do it

Not tortured on days when it hasn't gone my way

Won't use so much brain power with all the silly fantasies I want her to initiate.

Less stress, better sleep when we don't do it



More intimacy, all the time

Quality, better than quantity

She might initiate lovemaking more

What? 5 Days?!!!

So she gave me her side of these last four days. She is annoyed that I've not seemed to think about anything other than doing it. She couldn't care less about it. She was gonna grudgingly go along tonight, but hearing her say that made me go down a decision I knew id regret but hopefully is gonna be a blessing to someone some day.

I didn't do it out of anger, but I said looking after her & making her feel valued is more important to be than an orgasm. I immediately found myself wondering if I could change my mind, wake her up in the night, get her in bed in the morning tomorrow, anything! She didn't seem to give a shit, had no clue,seemingly, how damn hard that was to do & how hard it is to stick with a decision like that. This isn't the longest ive been without an orgasm, but it's close & been a while.

I guess this is what I asked for when I pleaded with her to say no & be strong sticking up for what she feels is right and not giving me sex all the time. Damn! (^8

Jesus please help me to let go & not be cross tomorrow again just like today thus making this pain pointless!

Later, Not Soon Enough

I feel that dull ache in my loins. I think it's a pretty good chance that we'll do it tonight, but I feel all I've been doing is waiting and missing chances to do it. I might blow it for tonight by creating an atmosphere as a reaction to her not being willing to go to bed with me this afternoon. Ironic.

 Good perspective: going through this pain will equip me for the next time I have to do this. Might speed up healing/freedom. Might make it hurt less next time, get me closer to it not hurting--sooner.

I feel I've worked so hard to think of her. I've gritted my teeth and put her first, forced myself to come out of my withdrawn self and do stuff that she finds loving. Problem is that I want something in return. I want to let go & stop keeping score. I want to love her with no strings attached, even when I feel like I have lava pulsing through my veins.

When she says no, I want to let go & move on. Nothing loving about doing it when she doesn't want to. But I still desperately want it regardless of what she wants.

When I'm away from her I don't feel the same pressure £ pain. I guess its the manipulation pushing for me to push her. Thankfully it doesn't push me toward an office affair or other infidelity. If the pain isn't here when we're away then I can overcome & see it gone when we're together too. Not having our intimacy robbed!

So, if the way to make headway in this fight is to face it, then the more days without sex means a chance to get to health and freedom quicker.  This is something I've dreaded and suspected but was rarely strong enough to consider.

"I promiste to love you, in sickness and in health"  a great part of our wedding vows.  Security comes from knowing we won't get ditched or disregarded just because we run into health problems.  Covenant means sticking together regardless.  If I get sick I have the benefit of you as my lifelong partner and your health in my support.  If you become poor you have the benefit of my riches.  It's great the way we share our weaknesses and share our strengths!

Anyway, she's not feeling very well.  Nothing serious, thankfully.  But I'm struggling with wanting my fix regardless.  She's experiencing a new perspective of being strong and saying no to me (in so many words) rather than worrying too much about my twisted desires.  She just sent me on my way without a quickie.  It makes the fourth day in a row of nothing.  I am embarrased about that last sentence.  I think no one else would make so much drama out of going a mere four days without sex.  Plenty of husbands go more than four days as a good statistic and are thankful for it!  Still, my reality is what I'm feeling and experiencing and I'm trying to adjust to a better place.


I managed to do lots of things other than try to get an orgasm from her in our alone time.
I decided to not ask/push/initiate intimacy dozens of times.
I had a view of what was going on with her and her perspective of not feeling like it.
I struggled thinking this was the longest I've been without an orgasm, but I didn't express heaviness to her.
I swore and complained out loud on my way to work, but I was aware of a better perspective at the same time.
I remembered several times that I don't need an orgasm, although it seems everything in me felt otherwise.
I remembered that it would feel empty and guilt and negativity would follow if I pushed for a disconnected orgasm.

Father would say to me:
Well done, Son.  You are connected to me and my perspective and strength.  This is the kind of husband you want to be and I'm proud of you.  I hear your cries and I am with you.  It won't always be this tough.  You can see how it's getting better even in the middle of this trial.  I am proud of you, and I will not give up on you and I will never leave you.  I love you, Dad.

Doing Right, thinking wrong

So I really do have a lie in me that I need an orgasm. That it's my right.

Watching her cough repeatedly did not ease my obsessive & selfish dominant thoughts & overwhelming attitude.

I gritted my teeth and tried to distract myself from asking her to give me an orgasm. Trying to find a way to say, "please do me" somehow magically changing it from being selfish to ok, I distract myself by doing a chore or job round the house that she will appreciate. I was giving off some negative vibes & intensity at the end, but I had to not put my arms around her or embrace her saying goodbye so I wouldn't ask her for what I knew wasn't loving for me to expect.

 I have a meta lie around all this: that I'm flawed, wrong, need to be disqualified. I find myself wanting to argue that I'm too screwed up and show those who love me that I'm hopeless. It's self destructive & depressed. It elicits disagreements for encouragement and what good is it if I am right? Hurrah--you win the argument, too bad that means you don't have hope. I'll give up that lie & and loose the argument but win the rest of my life, freedom and success.

More to Life...

.... Than SEX!

Some things that fullfil and satisfy other than sex/lovemaking/orgasm:

1) giving out to my kids
2) being of use in church family
3) fulfilling my calling & using my gifts--even at work!
4) writing creatively
5) creating, building, making

Momentum feels like going downhill

Out for a run a few times lately I've enjoyed His small still voice.  It's been great to enjoy my 80's rock and break into thankfulness and commune with Him too.  No guilt or negatives about "how much, how long, how devout"  Just enjoying Him.

Driving the other night I had a thought, and a related meta-thought that was like, "That's negative, that's not very Christlike".  Then I realized that I spend energy wishing I was more whole, more selfless, more together.  Maybe covering it up or pretending I'm better.  Does this drop on my dark damp pile of shame?

What if I could say, "yeah, that's true about me now.  I have that weakness or fault. But God loves me and it's ok.  Wouldn't that be the most mature, humble and godly attitude and approach?  Honesty, what a radical concept!