Goals and Vision

They say one of the most important factors of winning in a battle against addiction is Vision. I capitalize VISION because it's really really important. As Russ from ASI said, "Being sober is not enough to live for". To get clean, we need a bigger cause, a more important purpose that we're going for. In order to get this monkey off your back, you gotta answer a bigger and deeper question: "what am I living for?". (masturbation and porn is not an answer that'll work, or haven't you noticed?)

I have been struggling and angry and feeling ripped-off every and any day that sex isn't happening. Things are getting better, so I decided I'd try to change my expectations to every other day. Sure, I can't demand. Sure, it doesn't work in such a mechanical and isolated manner as a 48 hour cycle. I wanna be flexible and aim to look at it relationally, but just in my own head I'm aiming to slow down my sexual clock a bit.

So, I'm trying to not expect it, trying to not even try for it except every other day. Normal people will think that'd be a great deal. (I'm sure most people don't get it weekly--not those who've been in a relationship ten years and have children at home). Still, I'm setting this goal to try to help me in expecting and demanding less.

Whahey, I'm almost 90 days clean! I looked at a movie clip the other night that I shouldn't have. I was home on my own and didn't feel like I had enough energy to do anything constructive, so I swapped between TV and clips on the internet. She was out for the evening, which must be recognized as a "trigger" in addict-speak. I slipped in what I watched, but I held firm in not firmly taking myself "in hand". Matter of fact I'm still orgasmless--and that was three days ago. Did my 2-4-1 deal make this any easier? Naaaa.

Pure Desire, by Ted Roberts

The addictive root usually is built around three issues:

Family disfunction
personal trauma
an addictive society

great book, so far I'd recommend it as highly as any other on the subject (higher than most).

Fathers Figure

"Even when the father is there, if he is distant, uninvolved, or abusive; the results can be the same. So why don't all male children in such circumstances turn to homosexuality (or other expressions of sexual brokenness*)?

One reason is the child with a strong personality will often adapt better than the shy and sensitive child (or will develop other destructive behavior)."


Taken from MetanoiaOnline.org * added by me.

Truth about the Pain

We're all here because of pain, we've made silly, ill informed and unwise (some times accidental) decisions because of pain.

Maybe your pain was horrible, maybe it was sexual abuse or physical beatings that I can't comprehend.

But my pain was the idea that I wasn't loved, which could have meant I was unloveable.

That pain wasn't really nearly as bad as the pain of all the mess that has piled up on the pain since then. Ironic

Good Dad Says

He said to me that I can stay in this lovely country, even though no one knew how.

this communicated how He is all-knowing and all-powerful, but most of all all-loving, good and generous!

He once said that I should not accept a job offer, because he had a better one for me.

this was significant for me discerning his voice and that "He knows the plans He has for me, plans to bless me, not to harm me"

More recently he said to me, "You're bigger than this" (temptation, struggle, addiction)

Giving me a gentle nudge to hold firm and not give in, reminding me of who I am and where I fit into the bigger scheme of things.

So, everytime He's talked to me, I've heard love and acceptance and generosity and care. So why can't I let go of my bitterness/anger toward my earthly father for his "failings"?

So last night in bed I rolled over livid and burning red-hot anger. It wasn't about sex, it was about control. I'd tried to do something for her that was meant to be kind and generous and a blessing. I guess insisting that someone accept your gift kinda goes against the whole spirit of giving.

Why was she being so stubborn?! Why wouldn't she just say yes?!

Have I really dealt with not getting my way from people by escaping to porn and masterbation or junk food?

Significance

We're looking for that feeling of completeness, wholeness. We settle for a bit of caffiene or some sugar or tv or a movie.

We think the pure true love of that one person will fill us up once and for all.

We secretly hanker after lots of little bits of distant "love" or adoration that supposedly comes with fame. Tom Hanks (for example) has a tiny bit of millions of people's good vibes. Does that make him more loved than you and me?

Does that kind of anonymous and disconnected affirmation actually count for anything? Think of Elvis or Michael Jackson. Think of Judy Garland or look into others who are touted as "real professionals" and who "love performing" so so much.