I'm not powerless

The other night I was lying there in bed, just steam coming out of my ears at the thought that she wouldn't want to make love. I was thinking, "See, she doesn't want to" (which probably meant, "See, she doesn't want YOU/love you". Anyway, she said she really found it hard to give me a hug while I'm like that. Some other things were said, but the important thing is that after getting cross and turning my back to her resigned and livid that we wouldn't be screwing, somehow, someway I changed my attitude. I thought, I'm gonna wake up still cross. I'm gonna come home tomorrow from work feeling the same. So I forced myself to turn back over and face her. I put my arms around her and let go. I'm not sure how I did it or what it entailed. But we could both feel the change in the air.

If I could do it then....

Improvement

So, after a string of "getting lucky" on numerous nights, I knew my luck was running out. It was time to gird up myself and decide on a "go straight to sleep" night.

I can't just make it "let's wait and see" because I'll be hoping and hoping it happens or I'll go ahead and try like every other night.

So I have to go all the way and decide it'll be a sex-free night. How I wish she'd be impressed but so turned on she'd subvert my noble plan.

But it's "facing the pain" and it was easier this time. The pain wasn't all enveloping. It was hard not getting madder as our plans for an early sleep were shot. But easier than before.

I'm just looking for excuses to confirm my thought that she doesn't want me. If she doesn't make love to me, "Ah HA!!!". Often when she does, I think, "she didn't really want to (ah ha!)". Rubbish.

The idea that sex=love is a lie. She loves me all the time even when not giving me sex. God loves and accepts me, even though I don't hear Him. Is it just time for the truth to sink in, or does something else need to happen?