Bible Study: purity

“I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman." Job 31:1

Holy Spirit thank you that you are here and wanting me to succeed. 

"Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ." Rom 3:22 MSG

Thank you Father for placing me in Christ Jesus "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! 

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Cor 10:12-13 NIV

Thank you Father for having strength I can use to bear temptation.

"Don’t be so naive and self-confident. You’re not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it’s useless. Cultivate God-confidence. No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it." 1 Cor 10:12-13 MSG

Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. 2 Cor 7:1

Thank you Jesus that you have are growing my heart of holiness and reverence for God.

"If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin." 1 John 6-7

Thank you Jesus for your Blood and the Cross and cleanliness from all my sin! 

What is sin? to miss the target, such as the target when shooting slings (Judges 20:16), or God (Exodus 20:20) Do not confuse the righteousness of God that is upon us through faith in Christ, and the fruits of righteousness that God wants us to bear as we grow in Him.

Doing it Different

We're pulling back the layers and being really honest.  This morning she didn't feel very well and I was very horney.  If I was perfect I'd say, "oh, poor you.  Nevermind about my desires."  But I was worried about how could I tell her that I'm horney without being pushy about it.  I just told her that pretty much straight.  She said she didn't feel like it but maybe tomorrow.  Then we sat on the bed talking for ages and every time she touched me I was hoping she'd changed her mind.  Lacy knickers were on the floor right in front of my line of sight and I couldn't keep my eyes off them.

I've been wondering if she really meant no and hoping she'd "throw me a bone" the whole morning.  I imagined how asking her would not be thoughtful and how I might even find it a disappointment from the emotional pesrpective (but not physically!)  When she got close to me and thanked me for being understanding, I finally knew no was no.

Now I'm feeling angry and grumbling "F*CK!, F*CK!, F*CK! under my breath.  I change it to "DIE!, DIE! DIE! willing and praying for my flesh to be crucified in this pain.  Tonight/tomorrow isn't forever. 

I'm glad I'm able to not withdraw from her and I'm glad I'm not heavy or pouting or "beside myself".  I do want to stay away from our bedroom and bathroom while she gets dressed and ready.  I really am drawn to try to change her mind in that opportunity.  I do want to eat or sleep or find something to get away.  I want to masturbate too, sorta.  Sexy comedy videos aren't helpful but they have a strong attraction too.  Grrrrr!  She doesn't know how hard this is, but it doesn't matter to what's right.

Change ain't easy

So I suggested we make love less. My hope that she'll resist shows how far these stupid fantasies from porn of insatiable sex mad women has gone.

Anyway, making the decision isn't the hardest part. I've been resentful & angry & sad. Do I really think that I can change things by protesting? I want to process these feelings in a healthy way. Maybe I'm not being manipulative. I dont know if the hurt is exaggerated by me in hopes that pity will move her to give me what I want.

Honestly, brutally honestly, I'm feeling angry that she's "making" me go through this. I'm feeling hurt by my unmet desires & want to punish or at least withdraw from her. Not nice. These are the raw selfish broken ways--hopefully it doesn't get much lower or twisted than this. Godly sorrow -> tue repentance. Shame be broken by this being out in the light where truth and freedom and healing live!

Scheduling Sex

I hear Mark Gungor (great man of God, check him out, he's like no other) saying if a couple has trouble prioritising their sex life they should schedule it in their diary like anything else that's important.

I'm trying to talk to her about when and how often we have sex--not to make sure we do it more (I'd like that) but to help myself to let go and give-in to making love less often.  God, please give me a pat on the back for suggesting and trying to do this.  It's not easy, it's scary and painful.  I pray it breaks the lie that I can't live without it.  I want to be a man by facing the pain and diving into the challenge head on!

I want her to want to make love.  She enjoys is once she gets into it, but I've been so demanding for so long that she can't remember the last time she thought about wanting to do it.  Sigh.... When living by the fleshful desires we end up driving away the very thing we want.  I pray that by letting go I will end up regaining what I was grasping for and trying to control (plus be a giving lover and a thoughtful husband).  Let it go.  Let it die.  If you lose your life you will find it. Not really a contradiction but an amazing mystery.

So we we've talked about it once.  We haven't agreed yet, but we might be agreeing/expecting to "do it" once or twice during the week and once at weekends.  Three times a week happens, but probably more than half the time we do more.  Twice a week could be a challenge, almost like a fast.  They say your sperm production increases to keep up with "demand".  I wonder if I'd have a wet dream if we did a month of twice a week? I read that purposefully abstaining from sex for long enough to have two wet dreams is a perfectly healthy way to "reboot" your sexual appetite.  Whew!


Some how we need to be relaxed and not overly rigid or legalistic.  If I demand my "sessions" in the wrong spirit she won't want to give me even that much.  If I'm not flexible and releasing about times she doesn't want to do it (regardless of how our count is going) that won't help our sex life.  Biggest problem is she says we need to be free to still do it more if we want to.  That means I might still be hoping and wishing and obsessed and pushing for it and ignore our plans to reduce the regularity of our love making.  The flesh and addiction in me wants MORE and cries at the thought of less.   Maybe agreeing it in a conversation in the cold of day will make it easier than to face the new raw pain at night when we're both tired and it feels very much to me like, "This always happens" when she says no, even if it's actually far far less than half the time (and far far less than most husbands suffer).  She's acutely aware of all the times we do it (most evenings).  I'm exageratingly painfully aware of the times we don't do it.

What would make this best is to pray together more.  On nights before we go to sleep (regardless of whether we've 'done it' or not it'd be great to pray a very simple prayer together, or initiated by one or the other with a simple "amen" by the other.  "Thank you Father for our love life, for my spouse" would be great.

Addiction causes. Triggers

Russell Brand's excellent documentary on addiction says experts in the brain found three interesting reasons for addiction

Stress: some brains react to stress in a way that makes addictive behaviour far more likely even though everyone experiences stress. Some people have a condition where being cut causes them to bleed but it does not clot. They don't use this condition as an excuse to not take responsibility for treating cuts or avoiding cuts, but it's different for them.  They have to live differently.


Dopamine: some have low levels of dopamine. Anyone with this irregularity will find it hard to avoid something that triggers or increases this vital natural chemical that is found in all our brains, naturally. Without enough dopamine we find it hard to get out of bed,we are low and are very susceptible to temptation of things that will make us feel better.

Impulsivity:  people who suffered from problems with addiction to strong drugs were all found to be highly impuslive. Everyone has temptations and desires that aren't healthy.  Those who are particularly impulsive are at higher risk of acting on those desires.  I might say, "No" 99 times, but sometimes I find myself on the other side of "yes" before I realise what I've done.  My impulsiveness can work for me as well.  Sometimes I get up and go for a run before I have a chance to think about how much I don't want to exercise.  I once threw away my entire stash of pot in a rightly motivated impulse to clean up and fly right!

If you struggle with addicition (porn, etc.) you might need to take responsibility for your moods, learn to change the ways you cope with stress, and manage your impulses much tighter than most.  Freedom is possible, it's up to us to take responsibility then, and only then, do I believe God will step in and give us a miracle.

She's strong, I'm appauled

Read an excellent book Boundaries. She's reading it now & it's helping her to see that her feelings and wants are important too.

All that good stuff yet I'm livid that she said she didn't want to do it last mint. Why not? Because she's free and it's not a burden. She was annoyed at me and didn't feel like it. It had only been two nights since we did it. But I'm appalled & powerfully driven to challenge or plead or any other word that means convince or control her . It's like I can't let go & get past her saying no & I think she owes it to me. I can't think about anything else and don't want anything except to "put right" what seems so wrong. I have been changing my "fuck. Fuck! Fuck!" expressions and cries to "Die! Die die" but the newness has worn off & it doesn't seem so useful anymore.

Help Me Be a Man

Father help me, search me, change me. I am still being demanding and creating an atmosphere of heaviness and neediness.

I need your help in crucifying this. I want to do it. I want to let go, to allow it, to drive the blade in deep with no holding back.

I don't want to turn back. I want to be free to accept the pain and stop pushing her out of my ridiculous wants and desires. Sex every day, every time we're alone is just not gonna happen. Get over it. Deal with it.

Truth is its not about your orgasms, not physically. There's no problem with you not getting it last night or today. You will be fine. As Mark Gungor says, "you will not die".

Benefits of My Freedom

No pressure for her when we don't do it

Not tortured on days when it hasn't gone my way

Won't use so much brain power with all the silly fantasies I want her to initiate.

Less stress, better sleep when we don't do it



More intimacy, all the time

Quality, better than quantity

She might initiate lovemaking more

What? 5 Days?!!!

So she gave me her side of these last four days. She is annoyed that I've not seemed to think about anything other than doing it. She couldn't care less about it. She was gonna grudgingly go along tonight, but hearing her say that made me go down a decision I knew id regret but hopefully is gonna be a blessing to someone some day.

I didn't do it out of anger, but I said looking after her & making her feel valued is more important to be than an orgasm. I immediately found myself wondering if I could change my mind, wake her up in the night, get her in bed in the morning tomorrow, anything! She didn't seem to give a shit, had no clue,seemingly, how damn hard that was to do & how hard it is to stick with a decision like that. This isn't the longest ive been without an orgasm, but it's close & been a while.

I guess this is what I asked for when I pleaded with her to say no & be strong sticking up for what she feels is right and not giving me sex all the time. Damn! (^8

Jesus please help me to let go & not be cross tomorrow again just like today thus making this pain pointless!

Later, Not Soon Enough

I feel that dull ache in my loins. I think it's a pretty good chance that we'll do it tonight, but I feel all I've been doing is waiting and missing chances to do it. I might blow it for tonight by creating an atmosphere as a reaction to her not being willing to go to bed with me this afternoon. Ironic.

 Good perspective: going through this pain will equip me for the next time I have to do this. Might speed up healing/freedom. Might make it hurt less next time, get me closer to it not hurting--sooner.

I feel I've worked so hard to think of her. I've gritted my teeth and put her first, forced myself to come out of my withdrawn self and do stuff that she finds loving. Problem is that I want something in return. I want to let go & stop keeping score. I want to love her with no strings attached, even when I feel like I have lava pulsing through my veins.

When she says no, I want to let go & move on. Nothing loving about doing it when she doesn't want to. But I still desperately want it regardless of what she wants.

When I'm away from her I don't feel the same pressure £ pain. I guess its the manipulation pushing for me to push her. Thankfully it doesn't push me toward an office affair or other infidelity. If the pain isn't here when we're away then I can overcome & see it gone when we're together too. Not having our intimacy robbed!

So, if the way to make headway in this fight is to face it, then the more days without sex means a chance to get to health and freedom quicker.  This is something I've dreaded and suspected but was rarely strong enough to consider.

"I promiste to love you, in sickness and in health"  a great part of our wedding vows.  Security comes from knowing we won't get ditched or disregarded just because we run into health problems.  Covenant means sticking together regardless.  If I get sick I have the benefit of you as my lifelong partner and your health in my support.  If you become poor you have the benefit of my riches.  It's great the way we share our weaknesses and share our strengths!

Anyway, she's not feeling very well.  Nothing serious, thankfully.  But I'm struggling with wanting my fix regardless.  She's experiencing a new perspective of being strong and saying no to me (in so many words) rather than worrying too much about my twisted desires.  She just sent me on my way without a quickie.  It makes the fourth day in a row of nothing.  I am embarrased about that last sentence.  I think no one else would make so much drama out of going a mere four days without sex.  Plenty of husbands go more than four days as a good statistic and are thankful for it!  Still, my reality is what I'm feeling and experiencing and I'm trying to adjust to a better place.


I managed to do lots of things other than try to get an orgasm from her in our alone time.
I decided to not ask/push/initiate intimacy dozens of times.
I had a view of what was going on with her and her perspective of not feeling like it.
I struggled thinking this was the longest I've been without an orgasm, but I didn't express heaviness to her.
I swore and complained out loud on my way to work, but I was aware of a better perspective at the same time.
I remembered several times that I don't need an orgasm, although it seems everything in me felt otherwise.
I remembered that it would feel empty and guilt and negativity would follow if I pushed for a disconnected orgasm.

Father would say to me:
Well done, Son.  You are connected to me and my perspective and strength.  This is the kind of husband you want to be and I'm proud of you.  I hear your cries and I am with you.  It won't always be this tough.  You can see how it's getting better even in the middle of this trial.  I am proud of you, and I will not give up on you and I will never leave you.  I love you, Dad.

Doing Right, thinking wrong

So I really do have a lie in me that I need an orgasm. That it's my right.

Watching her cough repeatedly did not ease my obsessive & selfish dominant thoughts & overwhelming attitude.

I gritted my teeth and tried to distract myself from asking her to give me an orgasm. Trying to find a way to say, "please do me" somehow magically changing it from being selfish to ok, I distract myself by doing a chore or job round the house that she will appreciate. I was giving off some negative vibes & intensity at the end, but I had to not put my arms around her or embrace her saying goodbye so I wouldn't ask her for what I knew wasn't loving for me to expect.

 I have a meta lie around all this: that I'm flawed, wrong, need to be disqualified. I find myself wanting to argue that I'm too screwed up and show those who love me that I'm hopeless. It's self destructive & depressed. It elicits disagreements for encouragement and what good is it if I am right? Hurrah--you win the argument, too bad that means you don't have hope. I'll give up that lie & and loose the argument but win the rest of my life, freedom and success.

More to Life...

.... Than SEX!

Some things that fullfil and satisfy other than sex/lovemaking/orgasm:

1) giving out to my kids
2) being of use in church family
3) fulfilling my calling & using my gifts--even at work!
4) writing creatively
5) creating, building, making

Momentum feels like going downhill

Out for a run a few times lately I've enjoyed His small still voice.  It's been great to enjoy my 80's rock and break into thankfulness and commune with Him too.  No guilt or negatives about "how much, how long, how devout"  Just enjoying Him.

Driving the other night I had a thought, and a related meta-thought that was like, "That's negative, that's not very Christlike".  Then I realized that I spend energy wishing I was more whole, more selfless, more together.  Maybe covering it up or pretending I'm better.  Does this drop on my dark damp pile of shame?

What if I could say, "yeah, that's true about me now.  I have that weakness or fault. But God loves me and it's ok.  Wouldn't that be the most mature, humble and godly attitude and approach?  Honesty, what a radical concept!

Me me me

I want to ask less. I want to NOT be the one wanting it and expecting it and prioritising it. She's not going to want it more, so I need to want it less.

I want to not ask for it and see her interest arising. I can't control or engineer her wanting it. I am not sure I can manage letting go. I find myself pulling back, turning away, disengaging, withdrawing. Feeling angry & annoyed at her, resenting her and it comes out in what I say and how I am with her.

For this to happen I have to believe I can go a few days without it. If I make a big deal about it and talk to her about it all then I'm relying on her and it's not the same. How can I be honest & talk about this up-front without drawing attention to how big a struggle it is for me and how I want her to behave.

I need to be normal and not miserable, not sulking, not in a cloud.

I don't know if I can do it.

I am living and behaving as if I need it. How do I change what I believe?
If I live my life like something is true, then whatever I read and say, it's not really what I believe. I will not die without it.
I keep forgetting this.

How do I renew my mind? I know the verses.

Letter to 12 year old self, draft1

So, you've been at this for a while now and a twelve year old can see a few years as a lifetime.

But I know you better than most and you can trust me to want only the best for you.

Pain

It seems unbearable and especially unnatural and unfair but pain is part of life and you are not alone in wanting to avoid it.  If no one else has told you to face it and that they'd stand by your side I am saying that now.  You can do it and you are not alone.  It won't last as long as you think.  Once you make up your mind to sit it out, it gets easier and it's a pleasant surprise how it does pass quicker than you'd have expected.  

Sadness/Anger

You grew up thinking sadness or anger are not allowed but they are unavoidable.  This doesn't mean the world is a bad place, it's actually a better place when it's a real place and when it has the full spectrum of experiences.  There's a cathartic cleansing feeling that comes with letting the sadness/anger go through you rather than trying to  keep it out or keep it in.

Sex

Remember when you first had sex and you thought, "Wow, someone thinks enough of me to do this with me!".  Well the good news is someone thinks a lot more of you than that.    It's hard to talk about this when it's been shaded in secrecy and shame, but let me tell you it's not everything. It's not the meaning of life and it's not the source of wholeness or satisfaction or redemption.  It's great fun and you'll have wonderfully "mind-blowing" experiences but it's just the icing on the cake, not the food that nourishes your soul.  It is magical and spiritual sometimes, but don't build your world around it, ok?

Masturbation

You don't need to be ashamed anymore.  Every man has gone through a time of masturbating and I am finishing that phase for us.  It doesn't give us what we need and it causes more problems rather than helping.  We're as strong as anyone and we're not alone!  We've beat other habits and we've shown determination and self-discipline that it truly inspiring!  

Pornography

Can you imagine talking to someone about this?  It's possible. It does happen. You might be overwhelmed by shame but me and others love you and are telling you that we can talk about it just fine.  The amazingly beautiful and captivating female form is a god-given masterpiece but it's not meant to be your sunlight or meat and vegetables.  Our use of porn has strengthened the brain synapses between seeing an attractive female form and being turned on and wanting an orgasm.  These two don't need to be connected and this connection will be eased to make sex and the rest of our life better too!

Affirmation from Dad

You will one day see that Dad did his best and didn't mean to hurt you.  Sometimes you've misread him and imagined problems between you two that weren't really there (he never expected you to be perfect).  Of course he's made mistakes but he loves you.  He wants the best for you.  He has tried and he isn't perfect either.  You will get what you need--but not always from him and not always when or how you want it.  Forgiving him is best and I see us doing it and everything being better for it.  You are doing a good job.  Well done, keep it up.  Your Heavenly Father has seen you stumble but He's very proud of all you have done; the way you have not given up, the way you keep fighting.  Both of your father's would be proud of how you keep pursuing what is right.  You can take comfort from seeing how your own sons are growing up and bearing good fruit.  What you didn't get from your Dad you can enjoy giving to your own sons--mistakes included!

Pain like

Pain like a tooth ache gnawing, deep that comes in waves and throbs like the thumping beat of repetitive urban dance track.

The relief is nearby, but you gotta stay away as it's no cure, just a fix that will feed the monster making him bigger and louder.

How to rise above it?  Grit your teeth and pretend "its just a flesh wound"?

Introduce the negative, overbearing elephant in the room?  Not very nice or conducive for enjoying each others' company.

There's no appointment to look forward to.  No helpline or surgery or hospital.  Can't even get away from it as its in me.

Renounced

So, it must be time to fast from sex again because I seem to be going backwards instead of forwards. I'm doing well at not eating junk and I'm just about keeping to my new plan to run 3 times a week. Does that have anything to do with why I am more demanding sexually? less flexible and more troubled!

I denounce feeling like I need sex just because I pursued it. I am free to pursue her and she is free to say no. She doesn't owe it to me!

I denounce craving disconnected sex that seems far too much like masturbation or the fantasy of porn sex (immediate, no kissing, wham-bam-just-thinking-of-me-ma'am).

I denounce seeing sex from perspective of what I can get and being oblivious to what I can give and what she can get.

I denounce the lie that once I've imagined getting it, I will physically hurt until it happens. As Mark Gungor says, "You will not die!"

Looking back at night of turmoil

I couldn't believe she'd send me off to Europe without an orgasm.  Nevermimd it was only two nights.  Once the anger eased after a few hours, I just wanted to sleep.  Nope.  

In the morning it now seems odd to expect something with so much intensity--but it was real.  How many times did I consider waking her? It'd only set a unhelpful precedent, and I had the presence of mind to remember how unsatisfying it is when it's empty and grudgingly given.

Good to have emailed my pastor & stayed off the dodgy websites & tv.  Lord knows I was tempted!

So, some good things in the battle & pain.  

Trapped

I am off to Europe for three days away for work.  I screwed up last night trying to get "easy sex" which left me feeling guilty and her not particularly good.  So tonight, why did I come at my hope for sex with a whole new set of expectations?  I knew it was my last night for an orgasm for three nights.  I said, "we don't HAVE to do it".   Yet I still was APPAULED and SHOCKED when she rolled over to go to sleep leaving me hanging.  I seethed for a while.  I eventually moved on a bit thinking, "what's this like for her' and 'she's not just a sexual being'.  But I layed there feeling literally trapped.  If I go upstairs to do some work I'll be tempted by Porn on the computer.  If I write in this blog downstairs I'll be tempted by the stupid phone sex porn channel on freeview!  Damn! I laid there too wired to sleep, wanting to reach over to her and touch her, wanting to go somewhere.  Where can I go to get away from this shit that's inside me?

Counseling has shown me that I need to take responsibility.  No use blaming her--even if I can come up with a thousand new ways to say it.  A new voice in my imagination helps me to pray and consider other perspectives--but this is so fucked up!  Oh well, a night with no sleep--it's not the first time.  A half a week without sex--happens all the time.  Jesus, please help me!  Thank you that you are near the broken.  Thank you that you are near.  Thank you that you give rest to your beloved.  Thank you that you are showing me that I don't have to have the stimulus now as there usually is a tomorrow.

Letting Go, Clawing Back

So for the last three or four days I've known I would be flying on a work trip in the afternoon.  That means time away from home and orgasms.  

I've been hoping we'd get a quicky or similar as I dont need to leave for airport after lunchtime.

Why obsess so early?  I tried to reign it back & made her lunch, but I ended up kissing & wanting to be "serviced".  

So I got kissing after we ate & talked, but ran out of time leaving Horney & cross

Resolve, where are you?

Last night we talked properly for the first time in a week.  Good we can connect without sex.  But as we hugged I tried to get her to kiss & picked up right away right where I left off last time trying to change her mind and exercise control over the most pleasurable thing of all.

So she held back & I could see to not keep pushing.  This morning I was going thru scenarios trying to find a loophole in how to keep promise but have an orgasm too.  Such a strong drive.  There is no way.    Grrrrrr

5/9ths

5 days down, 9 days to go

Haven't prayed, which might be why I'm still angry and distant from her. It's kinda gone quickly, but in other ways it's really difficult. God, please help!

Please let this achieve something and please heal me, Lord!

	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
				8th 14!	9th 13	10th 12	11th 11
	12th 10	13th 9	14th 8	15th 7	16th 6	17th 5	18th 4
	19th 3	20th 2	21st 1	22nd 0!

Another Self Imposed Dry Period

Today starts another 2 weeks of abstinence. Will have to be less affectionate so we make the whole 2 weeks this time. Thursday 22nd celebration!

She probably won't b so impressed this time, but I guess I have more confidence too.

Am hoping I am pushed to lean on God again

2 Week Countdown Starts!

	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
				8th 14!	9th 13	10th 12	11th 11
	12th 10	13th 9	14th 8	15th 7	16th 6	17th 5	18th 4
	19th 3	20th 2	21st 1	22nd 0!

AUGGH!

So, less than 24 hours to go. I struggled last night--not with M or porn but wanting to kiss and touch--which would have led from one thing to another to another until we would have missed our solemn goal of abstaining!

AUGHH! It hurts! Girls tight tops and skirts and legs and cleavage!

Lord help me!

Slipped , but didn't sin

So, messed around and went too far kissing the night before last. It
was great that I could get her turned on. That power was as good as
anything else. I told myself that I was just kissing, but I'm sure
she would have offered to not leave me behind, and I would've gone
along with that, being so turned on and all.

So, she didn't pick up on anything but it being good. I was kinda
pushing her to kiss me and she didn't notice?

Afterward one of my first thoughts was disappointment of missing our
goal to fast for my purity and freedom. But, it wasn't the end of the
world. Exciting.

So next day we started again & said we'd watch the kissing unrrul Wednesday.

Day 8: 5 days left

okay, the weekend starts this evening, then I only have Mon and Tues to go!

I want wednesday to be a positive thing about her and how fabulous she is, not about me and my cold turkey addiction trial. Gonna start woo-ing and romancing her.

I have felt a very strong urge to kiss her passionately, the old "one thing leads to another" like before we were married and trying to remain pure. Wasn't 100% successful at it then, so please God heal me and teach me and deliver me!

Looking forward....

Looking forward to sex again (six days).

But this gnawing discomfort in my groin isn't really about that
though.  Or at least the root of it isn't.  I might feel disappointed
and it might even be anticlimactic. Ha!

Please Lord, be Lord of my sexuality & fill this hurt.  I'm not
waiting for Wednesday, I want to let you in now.

6 days to go

halfway there. Last two days were pretty easy, but no so much now.

I feel that dull ache in an area that is symbolic of the perceived problem (not in my heart where it really should be).

I had a really good day at work the other day (that helped). I'm halfway there, oh I already said that. Hey, this is a prayer. The only audience that matters for this blog is God.

Father, "Help!!!" I know you can, I know you care, I know you are here. Help!

day 4: 9 days left

Maybe this won't be enough. Shouldn't it be tougher?

Not that i'm liking it. Will I need to do this again or for longer?

She thinks I'm handling it well. She doesn't notice how I'm a bit turned in on myself. It was nice having extra affection for the first few days, but I am annoyed and mildly angry (at her).

I am much strickter with myself about where my eyes go as I know I can't get any satisfaction/relief anywhere in sight. Not the best motivation--just being honest.

Maybe this torture and struggle is actually less than what most people go through in this or other areas. Why do I think my problems are so much worse than most other people? what about people suffering from serious diseases or who don't have sex? Let's compare myself to them instead of characters in porn movies (or don't compare at all-even better).

	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
						9th 11	10th 10
	11th 9	12th 8	13th 7	14th 6	15th 5	16th 4	17th 3
	18th 2	19th 1	20th!

Sunday: 10 days left

Getting more hugs than ever.

Verse: Psalms 73:28 But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have
put my trust in the Lord GOD, That I may declare all Your works.

Am I gonna be a shaking strewn-out withdrawal obsessed wreck in a
week? Am I gonna be thinkin about it every second? Will it get was
easier?

Cleanse me, oh God!

Day 2, 12 to go

	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
						9th 11	10th 10
	11th 9	12th 8	13th 7	14th 6	15th 5	16th 4	17th 3
	18th 2	19th 1	20th!

Last night, the first night going to bed together knowing we wouldn't make love for two weeks. I'm angry at her even tho I believe her when she says she's doing this 'for' me and our relationship and my freedom.

Slept crap

Still did 5k race this morn. Tough as always. I prayed for selfishness to break. Colleague chatted to me briefly and that time went fast. Thought of helping another runner and remembered how
helpful that is for me. Thanked Him that I'm not alone & didn't feel strong dreaded desire to give up. Looking back, I enjoyed not being overwhelmed by the women in Lycra too.

Here We GO!!!!

So I bit the bullet and suggested we do a 1 Corinthians 7:5

"Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer."

The evening I suggested that we didn't make love, and I thought, man if one day is this hard, how is it gonna be for so many days?!! When I thought of the word, "IDOL" I thought we do need to do this for me. Hoping we'll find a new freedom in affection and reset or reboot my sexual expectations (maybe not immediately, but when we sow we reap!).

Then I come home from work a few hours ago and I've pretty much decided that 2 weeks is the amount of time I want us to do. A long enough stretch for it to have chance to flush out some demons and raise the crap that's in me, but not the month I originally thought as maybe that's being too extreme.

So what does she say? (besides that she'd thought 10 days)... She says, let's start yesterday. So, I have this huge dominating thought that she "doesn't want to make love to me tonight", didn't want to do it this evening--a rare evening that we have together without the kids. Damn! Start NOW! OUCH!!!! ^%$^%$£*&^* There are no words.

Anyway, "Here we go" God, please help me on this wild rollercoaster ride! I don't want to settle for anything but getting the most out of this experience and spiritual discipline. Not in my strength, in His (however that works), but I want to shake loose as many chains and shackles this month as possible! No it won't solve everything and some things might take time to kick in and bear fruit, but please, "MORE LORD".

My church leader said at the end of this time we might decide to extend it. Ha! That'd be a miracle for me to consider that!

Start Finish

Thurs 7th Wed 21st

I DON'T need sex or orgasms! (As Mark Gungor says, "I will not die!"

Jesus!

Triggers for lie: unwanted

She doesn't want me sexually--Again!

She NEVER wants me anywhere except bed.

she never wants me anytime except bedtime at night right before sleeping.

She never thinks about making love, dressing in a skirt: stockings,
lingere, or anything creative or different about sex.

She sometimes "makes the effort" but that's a chore and work and not
what she really wants to do.

She never wants to go to bed early with me--specifically to NOT sleep.

porn bitches pretend to want it anytime, all the time, anywhere,
everywhere, wearing anything. Nothing is too much trouble--for the
money they're making or the emptiness they're trying to fill.

Awake again

So why wouldnt we do it 2night?

1) were not in sync or connecting, actually seems everything she says
is annoying me immensely.

2) tired

3) still not sure where we stand after struggling with not doing it this morning

Why am I gutted and appauled and dumbfounded that we didn't do it tonight?

1) we didn't do it this morn
2) we didn't do it yesterday or last night
3) dont think we did it the day before either
(but that's not supposed to be the point)
4) her period is due any day, so we wnt be doing it for a week
5) I gave her an out, didn't think she'd take it based on 1-4 etc.

If I was away I'd not 'newd it'. If she was sick I could cope. Is it
because she's been so accommodating or giving that I expect her to
be--all the time. I can't make her change her mind. I am not in
control. This is the need that I need Jesus to meet. Sleep. Rest.
Respite from this never ending obsession. Masturbation doesn't really
help. Sex doesn't help when she doesn't want to. Well, she dosn't.

Jesus!

Angry and unable to relate normally

Oh one hand I know that she doesn't always want to.  I know it takes her time and that she wants to spend our time together doing other things too.  But I can't get away from my hope and thoughts that she will this time.  I watched the clock go from 9:30 to 9:45 to 10:00 (now looking bad) to 10:15 (forget it--but there's always hope!).  I can think of the right perspective of us being in sync and me woo'ing her and being giving.  But what's dominating my thoughts is whether I'll get anything and how her not wanting to this time and all the other times plays into the hand of the thought that she never wants me. 

So I decide to try to talk normally to her.  No point in being affectionate as on one hand I don't think it's very giving to try to be intimate with so little time, and on the other hand I'm not in a place to communicate freely and openly and easily.  I'm battling between selfishness and everything else.

So she is completely aware that I'm not at ease.  She knows I want "it" but knows it's not the right spirit/feel/reasons.  Finally, at about 10:40 we start talking about all this.  

My expectations and hopes are for MORE more more more.  But I know that's wrong so I resist.  

Better Decisions/Reactions

So the other night she indicated "no".  

Seems no matter how tired I am and how hard it is to stay awake, once she says no, I get angry and wide awake!

This time turned out okay as when the thought, "She NEVER says yes and gives to me.  I ALWAYS am the one not getting what I want"... I then thought, "Wait a minute, just a few days ago you were ready to let her off the hook and she surprised you by thinking of you and giving to you!  So "Never" is very not true!

2 Corinthians 10:5 "...casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ"

Die! Die! Die!

So give up on settling for sex on the physical layer, it detracts rather than being better than nothing.

Sex isn't the answer. No amount is enough. God, I give that need (right AND wrong) to you.

Please help me to not punish her or withdraw or have an angry attitude with her.

She loves me & is not going anywhere, but does not want me as much as I want to be wanted. She can't meet that need. Its a lie that she doesn't want me. True that she doesn't want me enough to satisfy my addiction. That's where only God can help & it's no use expecting
anyone else to. I'm not alone. He's near & cares.

Less

Before going on vacation for two weeks with her, I remember thinking, "I'm gonna have to settle for less sex". This thought came with a feeling of despair. I don't want less!

For the few weeks prior I noticed a lot of our sex was not so rewarding, except on the base-ist physical level. I decided to leave a few days from initiating with the hope of giving her a break (giving!) and maybe getting a better connection in the long run (getting).

I need to do the same now. She mentioned that we've done it a lot on our vacation. That sounds to me like she doesn't want to do it so much now. It reminds me how it's felt a little unsatisfying. Problem is I want it just as much as ever.

I tried saying "no one does it daily" but I still want it and try for it every day. She said no last night and I'm angry even now as I type this.

Jesus, please help me to overcome this lie that she doesn't want me. Please help me to "die to self" in this oh-so-painful way (yes I can feel an uncomfortable pressure in a specific part of my body right now).

Reading this poetic encouragement helped some, but I am in that place again.

More good news from/for self

Remember fondly waking up @ 2am hungry and NOT giving in to eating?

Remember getting up from table for a whole week still a little hungry, but enjoying more to see?

Remember fasting lunch & enjoying the rich strength from him a few days later?

Remember the joy of sharing Jesus with N. and how you (I) were on top of the world, seeing the sky a different richness, colour?

Remember the quiet satisfaction from forgetting the gadgets and playing chess with Ian and enthusing about filmmaking with Simon?!!!

Remember that it was worthwhile to resist. Not eating while hungry, at 2am & other times, made Papa proud. Didn't feel as good as an orgasm, but didn't follow on with guilt or erosion of strength either.

Logic and truth aren't enemies of freedom or creativity. Romans inspires the power we can draw on OVER sin from Him.

Ironic how praying & the Bible are keys to breaking out of cycle of addiction, but my heart and attitude can render them useless to me for a far too long.

Note from thriving self

Note from thriving self.

The world is better with optimism & hope.
It's better when you give the benefit of the doubt to yourself and the Creator.

You might automatically see things grey, default to pessimism, withdraw, and look for escape and a soothing tonic.....

But you are.... Me.  Remember how much better it was to try the better way.  Even when difficult, it isn't taking you where you want to go, is it?

Remember that it was worthwhile to resist.  Not eating while hungry, at 2am & other times, made Papa proud.  Didn't feel as good as an orgasm, but didn't follow on with guilt or erosion of strength either.

Logic and truth aren't enemies of freedom or creativity.  Romans inspires the power we can draw on OVER sin from Him.

Ironic how praying & the Bible are keys to breaking out of cycle of addiction, but my heart and attitude can render them useless to me for a far too long.

180 degrees

I started journaling in a time when I felt so far away from God that I started wondering if He was available for me to find at all. My experience of my Father being absent or distant tainted my view of God until I feared He was the same.

It's been a long dark time. I've seen a measure of improvement, like a rock climber slowly painfully yanking himself up a sheer cliff wall, one inch at a time.

That picture is great as it shows me doing it myself and it doesn't show God anywhere.

I keyed off other sufferers of addiction, looking for fellowship and answers, but also picking up on their frustration with the Bible and ineffectiveness of the Church. To be fair, all the people who I believed had found healing attributed it identically: Jesus. Not a method, not a concept, not an idea. A revelation and change of heart.

That rings true still.

But how to get there?

That was my search.

Was this destined to be my path to healing? I often wonder if I could get there quicker, if I'm my own worst enemy stubbornly holding on to my demons, avoiding seeking God?

I think I'm out of touch with what pain feels like. I can't measure it or comment on it. Was I in too much pain? Was it too much for me to approach God? Seems like not, but then I'd blame myself. I think I did try to seek Him, sometimes in some ways.

Thing is that a major change has come, I've found Him again. I asked Him to show me that He's near and He has. It's not been a tangible Hallelujah moment, it's been much more naturally supernatural. Thing is that it's real. I am enjoying knowing He's here. I have hope in hearing Him and finding Him and enjoying Him again. It's not as much as I hunger and thirst for (makes sense). I even find myself being selfish and avoiding Him or the discipline or work of seeking Him--even right now when I've got such a recent and good experience!

So a lot of this has come about as I've embraced some very "black and white" charismatic Christians ministry and, despite my out of control cynicism, God has allowed me to receive some freedom. How did it happen? Some people were praying and have been praying. Some other people (not perfect, just people who trust Jesus) have preached the Truth, given me

a chance to pray and respond to God, then given me a chance to pray while someone stood with me in agreement. It sounds so simple and sometimes it was cheesy. But all I can say is God used that to clear out my cobwebs and see Him and enjoy Him. I didn't pray about my addiction specifically as I knew I needed more time and wanted to do this one-to-one rather than in a large group. The ministry I had was called, "Cleansing Stream" from an American pastor and author who I deeply respect, Jack Hayford. Next is a very similar but one-to-one process called, "Restoring the Foundation". (Even watching the promotional video brought up more cynicism in me. But by the time it was over I was welling up with tears and I'd changed my mind--again).

So my advice is to TRY praying. Try talking to Him. Try listening to Him! Find someone loving who can pray for you. Maybe DO listen to that person who is suggesting you memorize some verses from the Bible! Just because it hasn't worked or has set off legalistic alarms in the past doesn't mean it can't actually be His way of helping you and healing you!

God is so Good!

I am up

Well over 95% of my postings here are written when I'm mad, horney and/or sad.

Hurray that tonight I'm not, although it's been 3 times longer than I
usually wait for sex. Yes, three whole revolutions of this big blue
marble!

So I've not blown my load for a long time, yet I'm happy! How can
that be? Dunno. Read some good stuff in Eric Claptons biography, and
some fantasticly fabulouso amazingly freeing and life-full words in No
Perfect People Allowed!

Life is good!

I don't want much...

I don't always want sex or an orgasm, just under certain circumstances:

1) if I'm sad to cheer myself up
2) if I'm happy to celebrate
3) if I'm bored for stimulation
4) if I've done something well as a reward
5) if I've something has gone wrong as a commiseration
6) if I've just enjoyed great sex, then I'd like it to not end
7) if it's been a long time since sex, then I'd desperate and obsessed!
8) if it's morning, I wake up with a woody
9) if it's daytime, I'm enthralled by the idea of an "afternoon delight"
10) if it's nighttime, then I know I better get what I can as it'll be 24 hours before the next opportunity
11) if she's in the mood (the good stuff, as it's meant to be)
12) if she's not in the mood (quickie, easy disconnected sex!)

Seems this list is missing some entries, but you get the idea

2010: Five Years!

Just noticed I've been posting my bile and infectious spewings here for five years, since 2005! So what's changed since then? Sadly, I'm not completely free yet, but things continue to get better.

Good:
After what I percieve as "missing out on sex" I am not angry at her for the entire next day

I am very rarely tempted to masturbate, regardless of how tired or horny or angry or sad.

When we don't do it I don't really feel unloved or rejected.

I'm less isolated which helps me to realize how crazy and unrealistic it is to want quickies or imagine her a love machine put here purely to pleasure me.

I push her to say no, rather than ignoring her humanity and wishing she always feels like it.

Bad:
I still surf to pages online that aren't helpful, and a few times I've viewed porn

When we don't do it I still feel angry and cheated.

I still want quickies and a love machine that's here solely to pleasure me.

I still wish she's always say yes.

What else?

I find myself searching for a lie that this is all anchored to.

"Constant sex will cover that you're not loved"
"If you don't get sex you will not be okay."
"The only way to cope with not beling loved is by getting more sex"
"You deserve sex, it's your right since you've had such a shit childhood/father"

Less to get better

I've been expecting and wanting and trying to get more and more sex.
Good news is that it's only from my wife, but she's got fed up. I
took the painful decision to agree some sort of regularity for us to
do it. I'd love that to be 3 times a day, in different placed, out of
the house as well,

But I knew I needed to suggest something more realistic and less
demanding of her. I said "every other day". 3 or 4 times a week.
Both when I said it & when I played it back in my head a few times
over the next few days too.

I did secretly hope she'd say, "no, I couldn't, wouldn't live without
your sex for that long!". But of course that's the lying fantasy of
porn.

She did almost initiate sex the next night, starting me out ahead of
our agreed "quota".

Now it's been two days without, I feel I should downplay it and
pretend it's no big deal. I hope we do it tonight ( as were not doing
it before bedtime ).

She wishes I didn't always choose it over sleep. I understand her
desire for me to be free, but I still wish she'd want it more.

It was truly painful

It hurts, and Making it stop isn't right

Mad yesterday because I didn't get it when expected to.  She didn't
promise, but I'm so inflexible.

Once I miss out on what I expect is coming my way, I get tunnel vision
& keep trying to find a way and time to not miss out.  Waiting til
normal place and time seems like being cheated and as if it's owed to
me.  As if I should swap what I didn't get for something else out of
the ordinary, like sex before bedtime.  I'm keeping count but only of
when I don't get sex, conveniently forgetting or dismissing when I do
get it.

Demanding & not giving or free about it

God, what are you saying?  I wagt to believe you're near.  I want to
sort this with you and not just her, as it's more about my issues.

I see that I need to back off and not demand or push sex .  But h
wanna just go away until she's ready.  I don't want the rest of
mundane life without the sexual connection.  I need to accept it &
engage regardless.  She'd like regular life together, not just when
sex is happening.

Sighhhh

Not On-Demand

Yesterday I watched her get out of the shower and wanter her--right then.  So my mind registered the hours that passed until the kids were finally in bed.  I sat in a chair reading a book as she didn't have any thoughts about sex or us together.  I stewed a bit as time continued to tick away.  Finally it was time for bed, according to our innanely predictable routine.  Was she now too tired for sex?  Had she used up all her energy on the kids, on making supper, on homework, housework and winding down afterward?

No!  Although she came to bed with the same painfully inevitable step by step routine as always (missing the chance to come to bed dressed differently, missing a chance to kiss me anywhere else, missing a chance to say anything sexy before we were in the exact same position as always, looking at each other face to face as always with the same background).  Instead of taking her queues that she was interested in sex and enjoying it (glass full!) I couldn't get past what else I wanted (glass not full).  My mind started wandering to how our kisses are the same, our carresses haven't changed.  I thought how great it'd be to be somewhere else.  I wasn't fantasising about being with anyone else, but with her SOMEWHERE ELSE!  I also considered how she'd not see the point.  I realized making too much out of the external would only make things awkward and harder for her to get into the zone and for us to connect (which is the real source of fresh and amazing and satisfying sex!).  So I knew enough to know I was wrong.  I was annoyed that I'd had to wait this long and so was wanting more of something else.  As if I should be able to have it jus because I thought of it.  (like with porn). 

I was able to remember that the way I talked about these ideas was important.  Could I suggest something different without being really demanding?  I tried it by suggesting that we should have a day together without the kids.  I said, "What could we do that we've not done before (but of course she wasn't thinking of sex).  I said I could leave it for her to think of something original, a different way we could make love, but that wouldn't work (ouch, that's not positive).  She immediately picked up on this saying, "You're not complaining, though?".   My next point is that I could think of something but she might not like it, so therefore we should talk about it.  But she didn't want to.  Probably giving off those vibes, me.

She's not there just to satisfy my every whim and fancy.  She's sometimes tired, sometimes bored, sometimes interested in other things.  The sexy ways that I found and flocked to over the years of porn (guestures, postures, stripteases, surprising bold initiatives) are not her.

Lots of things that would really turn me on don't turn her on.  She might go along with something, if I spell it out and ask her and explain it to her.  But good chance it wont work, she won't pull it off, or wont't get into it.  The most important part of these fantasies and scenarios and ideas is for her TO WANT TO. 

Sigh....  Based on what's happened over the last few years, I'll continue to get used to what I have and get over what I don't have.  Little by little my fantasy world of unrealistic requests and enending hopes is dying a death.

Dialing down the desire

What sucks is when I think about getting some, then I don't.

If I imagine it, then I have to wait (not easy) and I have to accept that it might not happen (grrr).

With porn it was imagine it then enjoy gettin' it.

That ticks me off.

If I can stop getting so worked up, that'll help the process of dealing with not getting any (or at least maybe not getting it).

Good, Bad

So sex is about giving, not taking. I was too tired to give (especially by the time we made it to bed). So I said, "maybe we should just go to sleep. That was me being honest and letting her off the hook of making me feel good. But when she said, "ok", I was FURIOUS! I wasn't too sleepy anymore! I was livid!

So she was confused. From her perspective, I said I was too tired, then I got angry when she said, "good night".

I decided to do the selfless thing, hoping she'd do the same. When she didn't, I was livid. But I'd released her and so there was no going back. I was hoping she'd offer to make love to me, but she didn't. She just lay there, free and unhindered. I was jealous of her freedom. I had to go in another room for a while. Shitty night sleep, but at least there was some sleep.

There's no hope wishing I could have sex whenever I want it. I am left no choice but to hope for freedom to cope when I don't get it.

Man enough to be confronted?

Mark Driscoll, Mars Hill Church preaching on Addiciton

unblemished

My sex drive was created to spur and motivate me to pursue her.

Porn makes me want to do nothing, to be lazy, to expect her to pursue me.

It won't work for me to sit back and as if I'm flicking through a TV remote control, wanting connection or a satisfied wife or fulfilled sexlife!

not so good

Maybe I've just come down from a natural, normal high.

But I was doing fine and everything was cool, then I thought how much we're talking about other people and mundane things and I thought, "I wish she'd spend a fraction of this much energy on pleasing me sexually". That was all it took. Spiral, big time!

I was annoyed and angry for the rest of the night. I tried talking to her about how she is what what she wants, but I really just wanted her to exist for me, specifically, sexually.

So being honest enough to admit how I was feeling brought nothing of any use.

I went to bed angry with her offering a flippant sounding hope that I feel better and that it is prbably "just my emotions".

I reeled and raged, jealous that she's so at peace and no unmoved. I didn't particuarly want sex, I would have accepted that, but I was kinda feeling bored and in a rut. I cried out inside, "Jesus" and eventually had a fitful sleep.

Woke up angry in general, angry at her and others.

How it works, not deciding from the addiction

I heard that addiction was about the way relate, not about sex. I kinda knew this sounded like it made sense, but now I have an example of it.

Just now I realized I had misplaced one of my credit cards. *R$$£^%$^%$!! Anger! Frustration! thoughts like, "Stupid!" float around near my mind, although they've not really been given voice in my head this time.

I immediately think of my partner. She's gonna be angry. dissapointed. She's gonna want to figure out where it is and stop everything to track it down, call and have it canceled. I don't want the grief and I'm too tired to do all that work now. I wanna make this go away. I wanna escape. I don't wanna face it.

But, for some reason.. I did. I told her within 5 minutes of it happening. Amazingly, not really surprisingly, she was great. Not angry. She did suggest the last place I might have used it. Rang them up, and they had it! So, facing the distasteful truth proved to be fine, the best, and surprisingly advantageous! All endings wouldn't be that storybook, but it shows the decision I had to make and how it could have gone wrong so easily. This decision making process is deeply connectected to the addiction & porn.

sleepless night doesn't earn easy sex

Sometimes I can't sleep at night. Sometimes it's linked to not having sex that night. Sometimes the next day I resent not having sex and feeling tired and sleepy all day. But my sleepiness does not create some kind of obligation for me to get sex. It's just another of hundreds of ways for me to want to control getting sex. I see a girl in a skirt at a bus stop and it reminds me of a "street walker". She's a symbol of sex being on tap and something I can purchase. By making it a financial transaction, it means I'm in control.

Real satisfying sex is great, it does make me feel ten feet tall (for a little while). But my hunger for visual stimulation is a completely different thing.

Here's an excerpt from a study of what makes up "ultimate sex":

_________________________________________________________________________

Searching for Great Sex: New Study Explores Optimal Sexuality

Here are the eight components of great sex that the researchers identified after conducing semi-structured interviews with people who identified as having had great sex:

• Being present, focused, and embodied.
• Connection, alignment, merger, being in synch.
• Deep sexual and erotic intimacy.
• Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy.
• Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency.
• Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing.
• Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun.
• Vulnerability and surrender.

http://sexuality.about.com/b/2009/07/08/searching-for-great-sex-new-study-explores-optimal-sexuality.htm

Raw Honesty

I don't want intimacy, not right now.  I just want an orgasm.  Like a candy bar or a good film, I want to enjoy a good splurge.  I just wanna get inside and rub back and forth and feel that mind-blowing high of cumming! 

I am tempted to judge my feelings now, reign it all in and put it in context, explain it and or reprimand myself. 

But I won't.  I'll just let it sit here.  My want.

Do my deepest and darkest secrets make me inherently bad?  Does covering up my secrets really cover up my shame?  What if exposing them actually brings light which shows that I'm actually worth better?

...Mysterious Ways

Noticed a spray of wee on the floor under the urinal. Is that me? I watched next time, and sure enough... It was! Doh, why am I spraying all over the floor?!! What could I be doing wrong?

After a while I noticed there was no similar puddle under the adjacent toilet, so I went to it and found I wasn't leaking there at all!

Why is this worth writing? Well, it shows how quickly I blame myself. I thought there was something wrong with me (this is true on many levels, some very deeply ingraned). It never occurred to me to look at the evidence and think the problem is with the toilet itself.

When I finally tried a different toilet and saw that I didn't spray at all, I was gobsmacked! So, this isn't my fault at all?!!

Maybe I'm not so flawed and broken underneath it all. Maybe I shouldn't blame everything that goes wrong on me so quickly and automatically.

Just might be worth reconsidering the things that God says about who He's created me to be:

"God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking

God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my wathcing
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

You are everything
Jesus, Everything"

Putting the cart before the Horse

Buying her sexy underwear, a frilly skirt or a something similar, is a great way to celebrate her femininity, but just because she wears it doesn't mean she's suddenly interested in sex with me. It's like saying that all horses are animals, but not all animals are horses. She may put on something sexy to say she's interested, but she may put on something sexy for a dozen other reasons. It's a fantasy for her to come to me with her sexy choice of clothes as a signal and message giving me the green light and assuring me that she wants me. But in reality she never knows whether she's going to want me until we've gone through that slow and unpredictable process of communicating. It's silly manipulation to think that because I've got her to put on something sexy that she'll therefore automatically want sex. When I see an image of a girl in a short skit it says to me "sex". When I catch an image out of the corner of my eye of a billboard or magazine with a girl in a frilly bra, I see it as someone who is sexually ripe. In reality there are women waiting at bus stops in skirts and nylons who are also on their period. My partner wears underwear without a thought of sex.

In my fantasy her clothes are a shiny sparkly wrapper for sex. The frills and lace say, "look at me". The way the wind catches under her skirt says, "look!" The way the material cradles and caresses her curves says, "Here I am, ready and waiting for you". But in reality her body is just part of her. Her sexuality isn't as important as the fact that she has a cold or is tired or needs some space. I just want that orgasm, but sometimes I need to do without and listen to her and carry her burden.

How many times?!!

How many times will I have to say to her (to me) that I she doesn't need to give me sex?!! How many times will I have to say, "I don't need an orgasm" (when will it just be true and not need to be a statement of faith and intention and will?

I don't want our sex life to replace my addiction and never ending lust for more and more and more.

I keep saying I don't actually need it, but through gritted teeth and with much anger.

So much, so much

So, sometimes the best medicine for a little depression is some serious pressure and a big challenge.  I'd not realised I'd been mildly depressed, but now I can see that heavy low wave dread and occasional thought of hopelessness was just that.  I've thrown myself "off the deep end" with an exciting, risky, terribly important (temporary) responsibility.  It's revived and inspired me.  It's sent me to God in worship (me?) and prayer.  I've found myself leaning on Him and believing He's spoken to me with Bible verses.  It's challenged my weaknesses and strengthened my relationship with Him.

It's put sex into perspective as well (not completely or awalys, of course).  My occasional days when I've felt wronged for not getting an expected sessoin of sex hasn't been able to be my obsession.  To much to do, too much to think about.  Other things are more important!  Hey, maybe it's okay for sex to not be the everything of everything.

Still, <confession> I did want and expect sex last night even though we were both very tired and our minds were kinda elsewhere.  The free-est thing would have been to say, "We're just not there tonight are we?"  But I wanted that sweet crack that is a sleep inducing and 100% relaxing and mind blowing orgasm.  Oddly, there are orgasms and orgasms and this one wasn't really mind-blowing.</confession>  God is good, He's still working on me.  The verse that says, "He will perfect the thing concerning you" used to assure me that He'd make me perfect one day.  Now I read that and see that it's reassuring me to forget about being perfect, as He'll still be working on me when Jesus comes back!

I had one of those conversations where I said to her "I don't need sex!" which really hurts to admit and say.  But our sexlife seems to improve afterward rather than diminish.

Imrpovement!

I blogged that it was hard to get motivated at work.

Getting better. Weird how sometimes taking on more, energizes you and gives you motivation to do more.  Whereas you feel tired and do less, and feel less energy.  Entropy isn't solved by rest.  Energy can be found by taking on more (if it's the right things).

passionate guesture

Do you ever use sex to fill your need left by M and porn? I am ashamed to admit it, but yes I do. Sometimes sex is great and it's lovemaking and it's all that it can be and should be. But other times it's my fix and it relaxes me and helps me sleep and it quietens my "demons" for a time.

Last night we were arguing and she verbalized how she feels pressured by my suggestions for entertaining friends too much, not giving her enough space. Then she said something like, "but you'll still want to make love" (as if being tired from having a houseful of people will somehow make me less interested in sex when we finally do make it to bed).

So, it didn't come out of the best place, but I said something I've thought about for a long time. It's about a short time of celibacy. Oo0h how I've stayed away from that word.

1 Cor 7 "Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer."

But my feelings are, like, "Hey, I'm white-knuckling-it here!" So we argued most of last night, not really about sex at all. She suggested the length of time I pronounced is too long. Need to take baby-steps. But that just sounded to me like she doesn't have faith and confidence in me. Pisses me off to think how easy it will be for her and how she'll breathe a sigh of relief from the hassle and pressure of my sexual advances. That brings home the problem near its' core--I want her to want me. I want to want it and need it and get it without any guilt or negative effects.

It's something I want to do for spiritual reasons, and I'll definitely be praying through this time.
Okay, I thought I missed something in my spontaneous passionate symbolic sweeping decision. It needs to be from mutual consent. Besides, I was very angry when I made the decision and need to check my motives.

A very big challenge may well be me not being distant and aloof. Every time I come home when I feel wronged and cheated of an orgasm, I find myself wanting to subtely let her know of my dissaproval by busying myself somehow. I'm too tortured or angry to just hang out and talk to her freely.

In a way I feel like I just wanna curl up somewhere & sleep (sweet escape, at least I'm not finding myself saying I just wanna masturbate).

I want to see some improvement here.

Freedom is the goal.

another layer of anger

So work is something I've written about a few times before. I am finding it hard to get motivated. I feel the hopelessness and I feel left out. I have very little motivation and the smallest challenges seem too much.

But it's my bitter attitude toward others who do well that really bothers me. Is this a bitterness that's always been covered by my drug until now?

It's like going back to school and being afraid of competition, doubting myself and wanting to withdraw in the face of challenges. Strange thing is I've faced and overcome many many professional challenges while I had M$ as a crutch, so it's not like I this makes sense.

I'm not a loner with no one who cares. I don't need to be jealous of everyone who seems to be part of something. I'm part of something too. I've got a God who is loving me and helping me. I have a beautiful partner who's committed herself to me for life. I have worked and been blessed to have earned a good position of respect and expertise in my career.

anniversary

ten days and counting

So, 10 days til it's been a year. I can't say it's been easier for the last month. I've been tempted. I've yearned and ached. But I'm gonna make it.

The other day we were about to "do it" and I noticed myself thinking about moving us into a room where we've never done it before. I imagined doing it on a table. New, different, exciting. I know she wouldn't really be into it, but I wanted to. Why? I think the image of a couple doing it somewhere unorthodox sticks in my mind as meaning "they must have really been hot and bothered and turned on and into each other to have done it THERE!". But I can't make her more into me just by doing it somewhere weird.

Today is a "non" day. Why can't I have sex daily? Is it so much to ask? Just an orgasm or BJ?!!! Oh, why oh why!

So, what to report? Well, I tried to get her to "do it" outdoors on one of those rare opportunities. She wasn't into it, and tried negotiating by offering me a BJ. I can proudly report that I turned her down because I knew she didn't really want to.

That must be a first. I must be getting healthier!

Wasn't pissed about it either.

She's be best.

19 days and it'll be a year without the little M! (fanfare!)