Yesterday I watched her get out of the shower and wanter her--right then. So my mind registered the hours that passed until the kids were finally in bed. I sat in a chair reading a book as she didn't have any thoughts about sex or us together. I stewed a bit as time continued to tick away. Finally it was time for bed, according to our innanely predictable routine. Was she now too tired for sex? Had she used up all her energy on the kids, on making supper, on homework, housework and winding down afterward?
No! Although she came to bed with the same painfully inevitable step by step routine as always (missing the chance to come to bed dressed differently, missing a chance to kiss me anywhere else, missing a chance to say anything sexy before we were in the exact same position as always, looking at each other face to face as always with the same background). Instead of taking her queues that she was interested in sex and enjoying it (glass full!) I couldn't get past what else I wanted (glass not full). My mind started wandering to how our kisses are the same, our carresses haven't changed. I thought how great it'd be to be somewhere else. I wasn't fantasising about being with anyone else, but with her SOMEWHERE ELSE! I also considered how she'd not see the point. I realized making too much out of the external would only make things awkward and harder for her to get into the zone and for us to connect (which is the real source of fresh and amazing and satisfying sex!). So I knew enough to know I was wrong. I was annoyed that I'd had to wait this long and so was wanting more of something else. As if I should be able to have it jus because I thought of it. (like with porn).
I was able to remember that the way I talked about these ideas was important. Could I suggest something different without being really demanding? I tried it by suggesting that we should have a day together without the kids. I said, "What could we do that we've not done before (but of course she wasn't thinking of sex). I said I could leave it for her to think of something original, a different way we could make love, but that wouldn't work (ouch, that's not positive). She immediately picked up on this saying, "You're not complaining, though?". My next point is that I could think of something but she might not like it, so therefore we should talk about it. But she didn't want to. Probably giving off those vibes, me.
She's not there just to satisfy my every whim and fancy. She's sometimes tired, sometimes bored, sometimes interested in other things. The sexy ways that I found and flocked to over the years of porn (guestures, postures, stripteases, surprising bold initiatives) are not her.
Lots of things that would really turn me on don't turn her on. She might go along with something, if I spell it out and ask her and explain it to her. But good chance it wont work, she won't pull it off, or wont't get into it. The most important part of these fantasies and scenarios and ideas is for her TO WANT TO.
Sigh.... Based on what's happened over the last few years, I'll continue to get used to what I have and get over what I don't have. Little by little my fantasy world of unrealistic requests and enending hopes is dying a death.
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