Just noticed I've been posting my bile and infectious spewings here for five years, since 2005! So what's changed since then? Sadly, I'm not completely free yet, but things continue to get better.
Good:
After what I percieve as "missing out on sex" I am not angry at her for the entire next day
I am very rarely tempted to masturbate, regardless of how tired or horny or angry or sad.
When we don't do it I don't really feel unloved or rejected.
I'm less isolated which helps me to realize how crazy and unrealistic it is to want quickies or imagine her a love machine put here purely to pleasure me.
I push her to say no, rather than ignoring her humanity and wishing she always feels like it.
Bad:
I still surf to pages online that aren't helpful, and a few times I've viewed porn
When we don't do it I still feel angry and cheated.
I still want quickies and a love machine that's here solely to pleasure me.
I still wish she's always say yes.
What else?
I find myself searching for a lie that this is all anchored to.
"Constant sex will cover that you're not loved"
"If you don't get sex you will not be okay."
"The only way to cope with not beling loved is by getting more sex"
"You deserve sex, it's your right since you've had such a shit childhood/father"
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