Later, Not Soon Enough

I feel that dull ache in my loins. I think it's a pretty good chance that we'll do it tonight, but I feel all I've been doing is waiting and missing chances to do it. I might blow it for tonight by creating an atmosphere as a reaction to her not being willing to go to bed with me this afternoon. Ironic.

 Good perspective: going through this pain will equip me for the next time I have to do this. Might speed up healing/freedom. Might make it hurt less next time, get me closer to it not hurting--sooner.

I feel I've worked so hard to think of her. I've gritted my teeth and put her first, forced myself to come out of my withdrawn self and do stuff that she finds loving. Problem is that I want something in return. I want to let go & stop keeping score. I want to love her with no strings attached, even when I feel like I have lava pulsing through my veins.

When she says no, I want to let go & move on. Nothing loving about doing it when she doesn't want to. But I still desperately want it regardless of what she wants.

When I'm away from her I don't feel the same pressure £ pain. I guess its the manipulation pushing for me to push her. Thankfully it doesn't push me toward an office affair or other infidelity. If the pain isn't here when we're away then I can overcome & see it gone when we're together too. Not having our intimacy robbed!