Doing Right, thinking wrong

So I really do have a lie in me that I need an orgasm. That it's my right.

Watching her cough repeatedly did not ease my obsessive & selfish dominant thoughts & overwhelming attitude.

I gritted my teeth and tried to distract myself from asking her to give me an orgasm. Trying to find a way to say, "please do me" somehow magically changing it from being selfish to ok, I distract myself by doing a chore or job round the house that she will appreciate. I was giving off some negative vibes & intensity at the end, but I had to not put my arms around her or embrace her saying goodbye so I wouldn't ask her for what I knew wasn't loving for me to expect.

 I have a meta lie around all this: that I'm flawed, wrong, need to be disqualified. I find myself wanting to argue that I'm too screwed up and show those who love me that I'm hopeless. It's self destructive & depressed. It elicits disagreements for encouragement and what good is it if I am right? Hurrah--you win the argument, too bad that means you don't have hope. I'll give up that lie & and loose the argument but win the rest of my life, freedom and success.