So, if the way to make headway in this fight is to face it, then the more days without sex means a chance to get to health and freedom quicker.  This is something I've dreaded and suspected but was rarely strong enough to consider.

"I promiste to love you, in sickness and in health"  a great part of our wedding vows.  Security comes from knowing we won't get ditched or disregarded just because we run into health problems.  Covenant means sticking together regardless.  If I get sick I have the benefit of you as my lifelong partner and your health in my support.  If you become poor you have the benefit of my riches.  It's great the way we share our weaknesses and share our strengths!

Anyway, she's not feeling very well.  Nothing serious, thankfully.  But I'm struggling with wanting my fix regardless.  She's experiencing a new perspective of being strong and saying no to me (in so many words) rather than worrying too much about my twisted desires.  She just sent me on my way without a quickie.  It makes the fourth day in a row of nothing.  I am embarrased about that last sentence.  I think no one else would make so much drama out of going a mere four days without sex.  Plenty of husbands go more than four days as a good statistic and are thankful for it!  Still, my reality is what I'm feeling and experiencing and I'm trying to adjust to a better place.


I managed to do lots of things other than try to get an orgasm from her in our alone time.
I decided to not ask/push/initiate intimacy dozens of times.
I had a view of what was going on with her and her perspective of not feeling like it.
I struggled thinking this was the longest I've been without an orgasm, but I didn't express heaviness to her.
I swore and complained out loud on my way to work, but I was aware of a better perspective at the same time.
I remembered several times that I don't need an orgasm, although it seems everything in me felt otherwise.
I remembered that it would feel empty and guilt and negativity would follow if I pushed for a disconnected orgasm.

Father would say to me:
Well done, Son.  You are connected to me and my perspective and strength.  This is the kind of husband you want to be and I'm proud of you.  I hear your cries and I am with you.  It won't always be this tough.  You can see how it's getting better even in the middle of this trial.  I am proud of you, and I will not give up on you and I will never leave you.  I love you, Dad.