Temple

He holds the earth in His hands, just as easily as He does our galaxy, and the universe--balanced on His fingertip.  He invented mathematics and science and matter and all the dimensions of existence--not just those we know.  He designed your opposing thumb, your veins and blood  (cleaning and clotting and even warning through the choice of the colour of red).  He sculpted you to have joy and melancholy and awe and anger too.  He crafted us to need each other, to enjoy Him and this mysterious life.


And He created a special temple as a place to gather round and say, "wow!" about all this.   This temple is the crowning glory of all His creations, it's His favourite hangout, with more of Himself invested here than anywhere else or any other thing He's made.  It's not just been sculpted from dirt or clay, not only has it been breathed with the Life from His lungs.  It's not just living flesh and blood, it's so much more.  You are His ever loving child with His mannerisms, infused with his potential for hope and trust and love!

He chose to reside and rest in you.  You are allowed to feel honoured and humbled.  It's audacious, but go ahead and believe it.  He didn't choose you because you performed well or because you added to your value. On the contrary, He brought value to you by choosing you.  Your value comes from Him, your value is not what drew Him to you.  He made His home with you, near you, actually within you.  He knows what He's doing.  He chose well. You needn't worry about your lack of value separate from Him, because He will never leave you.  He's not a shirt you can take off and toss away.  He is in your DNA, in your bones and in your cells like your fathers eyes are in your body and how you effortlessly carry your mothers' smile in your mannerisms.

Genesis 1:1-25
John 1:3
Collosians 1:16
1 Corinthians 10:26
Acts 17:24
Paslm 24:1-2
1 Corinthians 3:16 
Genesis 1:27
Paslm 139:14
Genesis 1:27
1 Corinthians 6:19
Ephesians 2:8-9
Romans 11:6

Bouncing My Eyes

Quick Google Search for the title of this entry shows lots of good thoughts and honesty about it.  It's helpful to be reminded of being diligent and it's encouraging to read others perspectives and be reminded that you are not alone in having to do this work, failing, trying again, and so on.

I have noticed that I have a very strong lure and draw to look, but when I've managed to not look, just recently, sometimes I've thought, "now that didn't hurt".  That's good to realize.  It's worthwhile to evaluate whether I feel robbed, whether it's painful to miss a dose of stimulation.  Although I want to lap up the imagery, it's good to realize that it doesn't actually hurt to give it a miss.  As Mark Gungor says, "you won't die".  Of course this is obvious, but after so many years of no filter and indulging in looking, it becomes automatic.  It helps me to remind myself that all it really does is distract me from better and more important things in my life, while revving up an engine that I don't really want to fuel because it drives me to lust and porn and masturbation.

Saying no to the visual stimulus means you're not taking steps down the road of "acting out".  I guess the word is trigger.  There's certain females at my work who I try to avoid watching as they walk, etc.  Those a kinds of visual stimulus are maybe more like straws than triggers.  No idea which combination of straws will "break the camels back" or trigger acting out.

Considering the fact that I don't need to look at that sexy shape helps strengthen the truth that I can live without the orgasm as an escape, the porn as pleasure to numb pain.  For a while now I've noticed myself noticing breasts and bottoms and thought, "It's not fair that I need to reprogram myself and do without this stimulation!".  That's good, good at least that I'm being honest about my feelings.  The old childish, "It's not fair!  I dont' like it!" stuff I've gone through before. Better to feel/pray that than not even be aware of my feelings.  Better to be feeling them and angry than they stay buried and pop out in other ways.

So sometimes I think, "I averted my eyes and that didn't hurt, I don't feel any worse for it".  Other times I am aware of how deep and how ingrained my automatic leering is!  Sigh.

Perspective

I'm loosing control   that sounds dramatic.  I'm loosing the semblance of control.  Maybe i just don't like the way things are going. 

These days when things change, it bothers me.  My job, my workplace, my career.  Big shocker: things never stay the same.  Bigger Shocker:  the world doesn't revolve around me.  It's really not all about me.  This isn't a movie with me in the starring role. 

One of the things that I cite as key to me becoming a Christian is the hope of having my own family where there isn't this heavy anger lit cloud hovering in the home.  Ironically, sadly, that's exactly what i do sometimes.  God, i guess i should ask u about this instead of assuming. I don't just want this for me. I want it for my family.  I'll follow you Jesus, and I'll keep on "letting you in" Father, regardless of what you do for me.  No matter what I do or don't get out of it. You are worth anything I can give.  I don't need to worry about what I'll get from it.  When I think about it, I know, of course, that you'll give me what I need, more than I can dream of, and it the right time.

My job might change or end, but that doesn't change who I am.  But I have skills and talents that I want to use and develop.  

Greener Grass




I remember being really annoyed and angry at my kids primary-school assemblies (equivalent to US grade-school production).  I had pride, joy at seeing my kid, the cuteness of all the little ones, the surprise of how much they've grown and how quickly they're growing up.

But I was angry.  I was horny and sex obsessed and upset that I left work and went back again without any "action".  Maybe I was jealous that the attention was not on me.  But most of all I was struck at how seeing rows of parents sitting in these little plastic kid-sized school chairs was so far away from a fantasy.  We weren't particularly attractive.  We weren't sexy.  We were ordinary.  We were 'just' parents.

Now I am in the next stage of life, and still seeing how it isn't a fantasy and it isn't hollywood.  I was invited to a friend's fiftieth birthday party.  That's fine, but looking around, so many people at the party were not attractive, not sexy;   They're often grandparents!  The focus of folks lives aren't about the hope of their future possibilities.   They aren't looking at their whole lives ahead of them.  They're middle aged.  I am too.  The ideal imaginary person I'd enjoy connecting with, maybe flirting with, would be a daughter of someone my own age.  Creepy!

New Year Stuff

Prayers:

Please reduce the connection between visual stimulus and sexual expectation.  Please help me bounce eyes from rears in skirts and boobs in blouses, but also I need to be able to have eyes opened walking down the street without the ache and the numb painful hunger to start a ticking timer of expectation and perceived need of relief.

Please break this lie that I need an orgasm.  I reject it and choose to believe that those needs aren't like water or food or shelter.  They're more like affection and encouragement--a higher tier need, not a basic human requirement for life.

Please break the lie that she doesn't want me which arises like a childish sulk.  "If she doesn't want me right now, then that means she really doesn't want me at all.  If I can't have what I want than I don't want anything.  If you don 't do what I want, then I don't like you anymore.  If I can't have control of the toy, then no one can play with it."

Goals:

100 times say to self, "you don't need sex, you can be at peace without an orgasm"

Rooted lie:  You can't live without sex, you can't cope with emotions without the release valve of an orgasm.

50 times say to self, "she does love you, she does want you, regardless of whether she wants sex right now.   Remember the last time she was really turned on--see it positively, not negatively.

Rooted lie:  She doesn't want you now, so she doesn't want you at all.  The porn fantasy is gagging for it 100% of the time and so if she doesn't want it right now then she doesn't desire you at all.


15 times let go of anger when not having sex that I expected at that opportunity.

12 times to say, "let's go to sleep, goodnight" without sex.

10 times to turn over and go to sleep without sex, without going downstairs (for food, sleepless night etc.)

5 times when making love, if orgasm doesn't happen, to let it go.

3 times to have an opportunity for sex with her, but not suggest it.

Your Spouse Should Know

1)  It's not about the frequency of sex.  She asks, "why are you angry/upset that we're not having sex right now, as we've just made love this morning/afternoon/last night, several times this week?

It's nothing to do with how often.  Addiction is a bottomless pit.  It's practically impossible to get "enough", so try to remember it's more about not being in control than the frequency. Not getting sex is painful, but other points of pain also trigger wanting sex.

2) It's not about you--often.  Romance gets left behind by sex.  Sex gets overshadowed by the orgasm.  You're the reason for the romance, and you're there.  But sometimes you get left behind.

3) We might not know why we are feeling these feelings.  We are feeling so many feelings:  anger, shame, frustration, hopelessness, yearning, emptiness... and we're feeling very horny. 

I realize talking through feelings is very helpful.  But it needs to be with the right person. Don't take it personally if a good counselor is needed rather than you for some of this rubbish.  Sometimes you're too close to be the one for the addict to talk out his strongest feelings.  You might not be the best person to objectively hear his pain at not having his pain relieved.  Maybe that's because you're the person who holds the power to give that sexual relief.  But you are so important, he's so fortunate to have you.  You personify real love, faithfulness, perseverance and steadfastness!  You Rock!

One Phrase

I was running and He dropped another thought into my head.  It was, "It's only pain".

I know God is good and He is always encouraging (even if he confronts or rebukes or challenges--it's ultimately for good--which is loving and encouraging).   So He didn't say this to me a few years ago when I might have heard it from a perspective of "your experience doesn't matter".  Or "you are not handling it correctly"

No, "It's only pain" is within things like, "You can do this!"  and "I believe in you"  It's not bigger than you.  Don't believe the enemies' lie that pain is this impossibly large and hugley immovable monster that you've never faced.

Like Rocky against Mr. T.  You're all, like "Come on and hit me, is that all you have?!!"

Worship the Worthy

My first counselor who tried to help me with my sex addiction said, when pushed, that he thought the condition was, on one level, idolatry.  That makes sense.  Any addiction is putting something, something that might not be bad in and of itself, in the place too high and too important--where really only God should be.

To Be Worshipped
But sex addiction touches on other imagery relating to worship.  The fantasy of Her wanting you, so much that she doesn't care who sees you do it.  Her not being able to stop herself, that sounds like someone worshipping you.  Her on her knees beholding your glory, seems very worshipful.  Wasn't that Lucifer's sin, to want to be worshipped?  Pride is our insecurity overcompensating.  I fear deep down that I'm a fraud, worthless and about to be found out and exposed at any moment.  To come back hard and strong in the opposite way is saying, "Look at me roar, I am a God!"  The truth is that we don't need to be ashamed.  He has given us value and there's nothing to be afraid, not least the lair of liars who tries to trick us into falling for the shame game.

Worshipping Her
I think I've written before about the image of the perfect woman, the Venus, the perfect beauty, perfect sensual creature. That's worshipping the female form, rather than the creative Creator and talented artist who sculpted her.  That's another easy mistake we can make.  Worshipping the awesome sunset or sunrise, instead of Him who crafted those things.  The crowning glory of all His creation is you--the one with the ability to think for yourself, choose whether to relate to Him or not, as well as make your own awesome creations.  I have wondered for a while why the traditional marriage vows say, "with my body I worship thee".  How's that fit in all this?

My Childhood Sex Fantasy Songs

Shook Me All Night Long, AC/DC

Rock and Roll Fantasy, Bad Company

Top Rough Boy, ZZ Top

Don't say a word, my virgin child

"spread your wings and let me come inside!"

Bob Seger, Night Moves

"She had points of her own, sittin; way up high.."

"I used her, she used me, neither one cared."

Counting Clean

since my last slip into masturbating, which was December 1st, 2017.

12 step program, SAA is best thing I've found in years! 

Remember:  don't turn on TV after 11pm
and earbuds by the bedside table aren't good when the broadband parental control password is easy to get via smartphone.  

Rules or tricks don't keep me clean, but being brave and being honest and accountable of my stumbles does.  I finally told her because I was fed up of our lack of closeness after many weeks, maybe a few months!

2nd try:

August 2019 was my last slip into looking at any porn.

12 step program, SAA is best thing I've found in years! 

Remember:  don't turn on TV after 11pm
and earbuds by the bedside table aren't good when the broadband parental control password is easy to get via smartphone.  

Rules or tricks don't keep me clean, but being brave and being honest and accountable of my stumbles does.  I finally told her because I was fed up of our lack of closeness after many weeks, maybe a few months!

So, I've slipped again.

So, I've slipped again.  Maybe it's the normal but difficult changes in our family dynamics (the effect on her, the effect on me, the effect on us).  Maybe it's something else.
Each time I slip, I find it harder than it's been in a long time to not slip again the next few weeks.  Is that a good enough reason to stay away?  No.  I miss the beautiful young firm sexy female shapes of porn.  I struggle bouncing my eyes away from them at work, I am disappointed in how time is taking a toll with Her body (though mine isn't great either).

The other night, when she'd turned me away without sex, I was struggling and feeling angry and couldn't relax to get to sleep.  I said to myself, "I'm tired of being ruled by this".  I thought I wanted to be able to be happy with or without sex.

Was that an important moment?  I hope so.

assessing 2 orgasms

I'm really horny and angry that she said no to a chance to make love.  I think about masturbating.  Worth remembering the times I did that and didn't feel any better afterward.  I felt worse and ashamed and a bigger gap between us, but no improvement or benefit.  It's just watching porn and the excitement and buzz and build-up of finding the stuff that is a strange kind of twisted enjoyment.  When I think about it, the orgasm doesn't offer much during masturbation.   I think the physical release of pressure of the orgasm is outweighed by the guilt and distance that I feel immediately. In real sex sometimes the orgasm isn't 100 times better than any other aspect of making love, but it's often the crowning glory, the climactic pinnacle (helped by there being no guilt and multiplied when you can enjoy giving your partner an orgasm too!).


With real sex, it's all great.  The build up, the journey, getting there, as well as the pay-off and destination.  I get to enjoy my great feelings, but even better is enjoying her enjoyment.  But with masturbation it's solitary guilt conflicted physical pleasure mixed and diluted in  the stream of negative stuff.  Starting out mediocre and bad with a little enjoyment scattered along the way, building toward a pay off of disappointment and self loathing.  Stopping to think about it:  would I choose those bad feelings over the pain that they're replacing? 

What did the singer songwriter Samantha Murphy say in an interview about giving up smoking, "I had to accept being ready to just sit and feel pain before I could every give up cigarettes." It's like that.  I need to just feel the anger, disappointment, pain.  It's more than just not getting sex, it's changing the automatic patterns (manually, one experience after another) and resetting the cycle so anger doesn't have to lead to temptation and expectation of sexual gratification.

If I masturbated about twice a day from 12 until 32 (sometimes more, sometimes less), then I've dug deep furrows of this action/response/reinforcement, well over 7 thousand times.  I wonder how many times I've chose to do the right thing and respond to pain (sadness, boredom, etc.) smarter?  I've masturbated a few times a year for the last few years.  Maybe I've chosen to go against the grain and fought against the tide a thousand times.   Who knows.

Control and Real Love

I am used to being in control of my orgasms, and I bought the lie from porn that I can be in control while she still "wants" it.  So I'm angry that I can't be in control of my orgasms and that she won't want to do it if I'm not letting go of control.

Maybe it's like us choosing to love God.  If He was in control and made us love/obey Him, it wouldn't mean anything, we'd be like robots.  So it'd be pointless love/obedience/relationship.  But for it to mean something, He chose to let us choose.  The good news is that when we choose right, choose Him, it's sweet and meaningful.  The flipside is that sometimes we take advantage of that free will and don't choose Him.  That makes the good meaningful, but it brings bad into the whole scenario.

The only way I can enjoy her really wanting to make love is by letting go and giving her the freedom to say no to sex.  Letting her off the hook of anger and disapproval for when she doesn't want it will actually ultimately bring me what I really do want--which is her really wanting to make love to me.  Of course it's not like in porn.  I'm not in control of when.  It's not all the time.  It's not always great.  But it's real and it's the way it's really supposed to be.

Some Questions To Get Somewhere

I often feel like my battle is going nowhere, or maybe just a small circle.

Here's some questions I would have liked to have been asked to break out of the cycle:

1) what will you miss about porn/masturbation most (just name 3 things, don't dwell too long).

2) what will you be glad of, and enjoy most when you are free from porn/masturbation?

Here's some I thought of:

Won't it be nice when you can have a cuddle and give your beloved some affection without it NEEDING to lead to sex? 

Won't it be nice when you don't have to spend all day worrying and trying to guess whether you'll get sex that night? 

Won't it be a breath of fresh air to relax knowing you can just go to sleep without feeling you need an orgasm?

Won't it be nice when sex is more about giving and less about your insatiable unquenchable needs?

Ah Ha Moment

The idea isn't the revelation.  Maybe the idea combined with a spiritual or emotional "kick".  I was troubled by my pain and demons, wishing I could have what I shouldn't, when I suddenly found this thought land in my head as if I looked down to see a surprise present had landed in my lap:

"I can be thankful for what I have instead of being heartbroken about what I want and can't have.

I was mulling over how much I miss visual sensual stimulus and thinking there's no way to get what I'm used, to what I crave, the amount I desire.  This is 'cause I've raised my appetite and expectations hugely through a few decades of porn.

It's good to work on the discipline of "bouncing your eyes" (see book Every Man's Battle) but it's equally important to  adjust your expectations and let die your desire which will never be met.  Taking up your Cross is painful, putting it to death the old self means tears and sleeplessness.  But a free life is worth it.  I am still behind many clouds, but I'm not fighting this for nothing.

Substitute

Some substitutions I've done for so long I don't even realize it anymore.  Substituting sexual gratification for love, substitution orgasm for boredom or sadness.

Now I'm craving being wanted.  I'm imagining her wanting to be affectionate and wanting my touch and my body.  But if it doesn't happen, I'll substitute sexual gratification in its place.  Thing is, it doesn't satisfy, so I'll still be craving.  Only difference is I'll have reinforced choosing unhelpfully, again.  And I might feel guilty or disappointed in myself.  So this is the cycle of addictive behavior.  You want something, you choose wrong, so you've made yourself feel worse, which drives you to choosing poorly again, and it gets stronger and more difficult.

It's the thing that makes us human that means we can break the cycle.  Our animal drives, lower impulses are where the addiction lives.  But our higher awareness and attitude and convictions can win. They can be even stronger than the base drives.  It's a battle, it's not easy.  We never win at each battle, but we can win the war.  We are so strong and so determined.  The spirit is willing, the flesh is weak, but the human heart can prevail!

So now I need to make a conscious decision to substitute what I naturally am drawn to, what I automatically want.  I want to reprogram myself, one decision at a time, to substitute orgasm for feeling the pain.  Instead of the buzz of an enticing image of female beauty, I have to leave that where it is and instead pursue a creative activity that takes effort and feels good in a much subtler and less tangible way.  I have to think about doing what's right at a time when I'm thinking least clearly.  I want to be open to His help when I am least interested in letting Him in.

Not about sex or lust

But writing and praying in this way is what I need right now, and it's probably all connected in some way anyway.

I am feeling mad.  I'm feeling angry that I'm being told to do stuff at work that I don't want to do.  I'm cross that after over a decade in this job I still have to do this kind of menial and basic task.

On one hand I'm feeling I shouldn't be having an attitude that I'm "above" certain work.  I want to live at work like I do at church (and hopefully like I do at home).  I want to serve like Jesus did and I want to be an example of being a good team player.  As I was on my way home from work today (where this all came up and I got SO ANGRY!) I thought, maybe I'm being too hard on myself (I usually am).  Maybe I'm blaming myself when there's other things going on as well (I often do).  But I don't know what else may be going on--that's as far as I got.

I do think it's ok to have a vision to do more interesting things.  I think it's a good skill to be able to successfully delegate and the thought that I'm not doing this as well as I'd like to compounds my frustration of feeling like"the bottom of the pile" here.

Father, what do you want me to do?  What are you saying to me here?

I give to you my attitude here. I want to be healed of my brokenness and I let you in to my mess. I want to know where I'm wrong and I am open to you convicting me and challenging me.  I am keen to repent and I don't want to avoid Godly sorry.  I accept the pain that comes with dying to my selfishness, please help me as I need your strength and your heart.  Thank you that it's ok to be broken and thank you that you want to be with me in this.

Letting Him In

I'm enjoying being more open with God, more honest than ever before.  I live so much of my life as if He wasn't there, but I'm letting Him in more and more.  And it's a glimpse of the life I've always wanted, and makes me hungry for more!

Today I saw a young woman with long hair and a nice figure and said in a prayer in my head,

"God!  It's not fair!  It's not fair that I can't have her!  It's not fair that I feel so turned-on so easily! "

I know how ridiculous this is, it's like a very young child having a tantrum.  But better to be honest and get these feelings out rather than keep them bouncing around inside--causing damage all along the way. 

Who can you trust with such vulnerability?  Who can be trusted with your heart laid out bare?  The One who really is so good and really does care about you and who really can "operate" on your heart expertly!

So I was thankful to not imagine God rebuking me for being so selfish and so wrong in my feelings.  I stuck with it and imagined how Jesus would respond.  Instead of reminding me of my sin and how my selfishness caused Him more pain and suffering on the cross, I was reminded how Jesus experienced every temptation--yet did not sin.  Then---wham!  I sensed Jesus alongside me saying He knows how I feel and He understands.  He knows unfair.  He has the Father's love to me, a Prodigal.  He was caring and giving and loving!  Wow! 

I think this is a healthy pattern for processing emotions.  Selfish thoughts needn't be condemning.  Sinful desires aren't wrong on their own.  Ironically, it's the shame and self loathing that goes with reacting wrongly to our bad thoughts and feelings that actually magnify shame and spiral us away from knowledge of God's grace and forgiveness.  I didn't have to immediately be heavy and sorrowful.  I could take my feelings to Jesus--casting even these cares on Him. 

This instead of that

Fill yourself with the right things, rather than just trying to avoid the bad.

Rather than focusing on your sins or flaws or weaknesses, spend more time worshiping Him and and considering His perfection and strength and grace and love and affirmation! 

Less, Less, Less

I am praying He will turn down my dial of expectations.  I want to not expect it so often, not care so much whether we do it, not get bent out of shape if it isn't great.

This will probably come from time and perseverance.  But that I'm asking Him for it is a good sign.   Talking to Him as much as I can remember to is good too.