Substitute

Some substitutions I've done for so long I don't even realize it anymore.  Substituting sexual gratification for love, substitution orgasm for boredom or sadness.

Now I'm craving being wanted.  I'm imagining her wanting to be affectionate and wanting my touch and my body.  But if it doesn't happen, I'll substitute sexual gratification in its place.  Thing is, it doesn't satisfy, so I'll still be craving.  Only difference is I'll have reinforced choosing unhelpfully, again.  And I might feel guilty or disappointed in myself.  So this is the cycle of addictive behavior.  You want something, you choose wrong, so you've made yourself feel worse, which drives you to choosing poorly again, and it gets stronger and more difficult.

It's the thing that makes us human that means we can break the cycle.  Our animal drives, lower impulses are where the addiction lives.  But our higher awareness and attitude and convictions can win. They can be even stronger than the base drives.  It's a battle, it's not easy.  We never win at each battle, but we can win the war.  We are so strong and so determined.  The spirit is willing, the flesh is weak, but the human heart can prevail!

So now I need to make a conscious decision to substitute what I naturally am drawn to, what I automatically want.  I want to reprogram myself, one decision at a time, to substitute orgasm for feeling the pain.  Instead of the buzz of an enticing image of female beauty, I have to leave that where it is and instead pursue a creative activity that takes effort and feels good in a much subtler and less tangible way.  I have to think about doing what's right at a time when I'm thinking least clearly.  I want to be open to His help when I am least interested in letting Him in.