Bouncing My Eyes

Quick Google Search for the title of this entry shows lots of good thoughts and honesty about it.  It's helpful to be reminded of being diligent and it's encouraging to read others perspectives and be reminded that you are not alone in having to do this work, failing, trying again, and so on.

I have noticed that I have a very strong lure and draw to look, but when I've managed to not look, just recently, sometimes I've thought, "now that didn't hurt".  That's good to realize.  It's worthwhile to evaluate whether I feel robbed, whether it's painful to miss a dose of stimulation.  Although I want to lap up the imagery, it's good to realize that it doesn't actually hurt to give it a miss.  As Mark Gungor says, "you won't die".  Of course this is obvious, but after so many years of no filter and indulging in looking, it becomes automatic.  It helps me to remind myself that all it really does is distract me from better and more important things in my life, while revving up an engine that I don't really want to fuel because it drives me to lust and porn and masturbation.

Saying no to the visual stimulus means you're not taking steps down the road of "acting out".  I guess the word is trigger.  There's certain females at my work who I try to avoid watching as they walk, etc.  Those a kinds of visual stimulus are maybe more like straws than triggers.  No idea which combination of straws will "break the camels back" or trigger acting out.

Considering the fact that I don't need to look at that sexy shape helps strengthen the truth that I can live without the orgasm as an escape, the porn as pleasure to numb pain.  For a while now I've noticed myself noticing breasts and bottoms and thought, "It's not fair that I need to reprogram myself and do without this stimulation!".  That's good, good at least that I'm being honest about my feelings.  The old childish, "It's not fair!  I dont' like it!" stuff I've gone through before. Better to feel/pray that than not even be aware of my feelings.  Better to be feeling them and angry than they stay buried and pop out in other ways.

So sometimes I think, "I averted my eyes and that didn't hurt, I don't feel any worse for it".  Other times I am aware of how deep and how ingrained my automatic leering is!  Sigh.