It's so much more than sex

I'm angry because she didn't want to do it... Again.... But so much more is bothering me.  People with problems like ours aren't very good at facing bad stuff.  It's the crux of our problem--choosing diversions instead of grappling with what needs attention.  Addiction is our diversion.

So, I can feel angry, sad, distant and morbid without really facing what it's about, and miss out on moving forward.

As she is less interested in sex, it's bothering me that this looks to only get worse.  As we both age, it's not gonna get better. As we both put on weight, my mental images of what's a turn-on, built up over decades of consuming porn gets further and further away from each other.

She's going through 'the change' which often is associated with loss of interest in sex.  I've not been able to face that yet.  But it's time.  I'm not going to 'trade her in'.  But I do fantasize, or at least imagine, someone thinner, someone toned, someone younger intertwined with me.  Sigh.....  Who can I talk to about this?  Who in my faith tradition will listen and understand?  Who has time for my brokenness?  I can imagine a conversation in my head, even put a face on the listener of my choosing.  But I can make it a prayer and know I'm inviting Him to listen and speak and help. It's not easy, prayer never has been.

Me:  The only thing making me angrier than her rolls of fat, her big middle, her burping and snoring.... Is, my even larger frame and scarily fatness.  Yes, I fart, but isn't she supposed to be feminine?

Him (counselor mode):  Porn has a strong pull to you when you compare her changing body to what you are missing

Me: Yes, I am sad and it hurts to think I will have less and less to enjoy with my eyes that turns me on.  I don't know if I should be more attentive to her (try harder) or respect her and love her by just backing off.  It's hard to do that without emotionally disconnecting and making it passive aggressive. I want to loose weight, but I'm in a cycle of sadness or distractions of life which stops me changing my eating from one meal to the next. 

I guess the right thing is to pursue is real intimacy, treasuring her and valuing her on the inside, focusing there instead of the outside.

tripwire

so many things set off my angry thought, "she doesn't want me (want in context of sex).  Her wanting to spend time with whole family during holidays rsther than come to be with me.  Her wanting to go to sleep instead of making love, or even agreeing to go to sleep when I suggest we delay making love. 

It's like a surly child saying, "if you loved me you would do what I want!".  "Since you won't give me what I want, then you must not love me."

silliness.

But the lie is rigged there ready to explode, sending my anger through the roof.  Please, Holy Spirit, be the expert in my ear telling me which wire to cut so I can disarm this bomb once and for all.

Reality seems to be that I stumble along, making the same mistakes, eventually noticing little signs of erosion of the mountain and improvement of the disease, like how a kid grows--imperceptably, only when you are not looking. 

Itch & Scratchy on a bicycle

The cycle of lust, temptation, masturbation and self-hate goes round and round.

Lust and temptation is like an itch.  The more you have scratched it in the past, the harder it is to leave it alone this time.  You can do the right thing, looking away ten times.  But that one eleventh time you look, and it feels like the castle of sand crumbles.

So that one time when you feed the dog, you give-in to the "pull" and saddle up alongside the hunger, leering and inhaling some exciting female visual stimuli.....   It's like scratching an itch.  It feels great at the time, but it's oh-so short lived!  You end up feeling much worse and you're much more likely to get infected (sexual sin) and it's a very real possibility that infection will remain untreated and ultimately lead to gruesome gangrene, which bluntly put means horrible smelly rotten flesh.  Like a crack addict ruining all their veins and robbing their family members to feed the habit, a lust addict can't amputate the part of them which is infected.

Weird how I'm often surprised that I expect it to "hurt" or somehow feel negative when I choose to look away and not breathe in a female sexy form.  I think, 'now that wasn't bad at all, missing out on that!  Whereas when I do look, I hardly notice the enjoyment, but it revs up that engine that has nowhere to go.

Itchy & Scratchy on a bicycle

The cycle of lust, temptation, masturbation and self-hate goes round and round.

Lust and temptation is like an itch.  The more you have scratched it in the past, the harder it is to leave it alone this time.  You can do the right thing, looking away ten times.  But that one eleventh time you look, and it feels like the castle of sand crumbles.

So that one time when you feed the dog, you give-in to the "pull" and saddle up alongside the hunger, leering and inhaling some exciting female visual stimuli.....   It's like scratching an itch.  It feels great at the time, but it's oh-so short lived!  You end up feeling much worse and you're much more likely to get infected (sexual sin) and it's a very real possibility that infection will remain untreated and ultimately lead to gruesome gangrene, which bluntly put means horrible smelly rotten flesh.  Like a crack addict ruining all their veins and robbing their family members to feed the habit, a lust addict can't amputate the part of them which is infected.

Weird how I'm often surprised that I expect it to "hurt" or somehow feel negative when I choose to look away and not breathe in a female sexy form.  I think, 'now that wasn't bad at all, missing out on that!  Whereas when I do look, I hardly notice the enjoyment, but it revs up that engine that has nowhere to go.

Different Blues

Usually I write here when I'm angry because she didn't want to give me sex.

This time I'm in a mood because I've decided to not have sex.  My same buttons are pushed:

I've not had an orgasm
it looks like she doesn't 'want' me, or at least she doesn't want me right now, which means not always!

I have been reminded by my Bride herself (and Mr. Gungor) how I should "woo" her, let her know she's desired, romance her.  With porn we fantasize about he being 'ready' with no preparation, no work, no effort.  Of course that's not real life. 

Once recently I was in a mood and she fought against all the instincts to steer clear of me.  Instead she invited me upstairs---to bed!  We talked and I felt the mood lifting just because she was willing.  I found myself (impusively) saying, let's do this later, when I saw that people were just outside our window and she wouldn't be able to enjoy it really.  That was good that she saw that I can get out of my funk without actually getting an orgasm.  For me I think it was that I knew I could.  I had the power and wasn't in the dark of that it could happen.  That means the orgasm isn't the only way to get relief.  Knowing I could have an orgasm worked--so much that I said, 'no thank you' to the all important orgasm!

Back to now.  I've said let's go to sleep and not make love, for thre nights in a row.  But I feel in a funk today like I always do when she says no.  Last night I knew that I was tired, that we were unlikely to connect emotionally, and I imagined her just going through the motions and giving to me but not enjoying it herself.  That didn't seem appealing.  I'm now hornier than ever but must get out of this funk so we stand a chance for it to be right or at least not bad.  I feel like my equilibrium has been lost and I'll be able to be myself after the orgasm.  But the chicken and egg thing is that she needs me to be myself so we can enjoy good lovemaking.

The Great Counselor

Cycling to work this morning, I am glad my podcast finished and I didn't bother finding something else to pipe into my earholes.

Because I had a little conversation with myself.  It's not my crazy, really.

MyQuestion:  So what are you angry about?
Me: something about how I want sex every night, and I'm angry as I am expecting tonight to be the second night in a row with her either not willing to give sex, or at least not wanting to.

I went ahead and let some of my anger out, though I had to "give myself permission" because my first thought was that my feelings were "wrong" (no emotions are really wrong).  My expectations are based on my bogus habits and unrealistic expectations from fantasies coming to the forefront of my world.  There's no point blaming myself, or anyone else.  It just is what it is.  It's not easy or fun to change these things.  They are changed slowly and with difficulty. How, exactly?  Escaping from facing pain is how this all started, so it's gonna be painful seeing change & healing.  How does it look, one way is through these "conversations" and these new experiences and perspectives on the old emotions. 

MyQuestion: So, you say it's not fair.  Fine.  That's cool.  I hear you.  Another question:  Is it fair for her to have a life, to use her energy on things other than making love to you?  Is it fair for her to not to expect to do it, to even want to do it--every night?

Me: Hmmm. Of course, putting myself in her place is very helpful.  Sometimes healing comes to the spaces between the anger and the pain.  It's a delayed reaction that you only notice when looking back over time.  Not the epiphany or eureka moment or rocket launch, or explosion.  More a slow burn, more paint drying, the tide going out, or a scab healing.

It is worth listening to the conversation and asking, "Is this a voice like Fathers' or a trusted wise caring counselor who loves me and believes in me?  Is this that voice of judgement, blame and accusation expecting perfection?   Embrace His voice and tell the other one where to go.

Better than Usual

Last night she was tired.  I wasn't "up" enough to try to see the funny side or rise above it easily.  I started touching her, she eventually started hugging back.  I wanted to make love (of course).  She hadn't the night before, so she was less keen to say no tonight.  But she still obviously wanted to sleep instead of be affectionate.  She's not my fantasy.  She's not always gagging for it.  She's a real woman, not a porn fantasy.  But she's mine.

I made one of those impulsive decisions and asked her if she wants to go to sleep, as she looked too tired.  She said "sure". (then said something nice like how much she enjoyed that last few minutes hugging).  My emotions had already skyrocketed, immediately after she said "sure".  It seemed almost like someone else had suggested this idea, which now seemed crazy.  Mostly I was feeling very angry and plenty hurt.  How could she be so flippant (as if rolling over and going to sleep was a huge thing, painful and abnormal).  What was true is that I might be facing a sleepless night. Damn!

I tried to let some of these feelings out, but I was concerned that I was doing it specifically to let her know how much I didn't like her response.  I tried to "cry" but silently.  I thought about how I don't want sleep to only come with lovemaking.  I very much wanted to not face another sleepless night either.

My mind started to spin through thoughts, not just negative stuff about sex, but other things, good things.  But things that have kept me awake lately.

Fortunately, after 20 minutes or so I fell asleep. That's great.   That's better than usual.  So nice that I'm not exhausted and obsessed and so tired I can hardly function--only counting down the hours until bedtime again--both for sleep and sex as my only thoughts.  Thank you Lord.  As often (if not always) the next morning I felt very strong resentment toward her.  "How could she?" "What about me?"  All these thoughts as if sex was a right, a need, something I can't live without.

My challenge now is to not show my annoyance toward her, to let go or cover it up.  She's not my fantasy.  She's not always gagging for it.  She's a real woman, not a porn fantasy.  But she's mine.  Thanks Father.  No point dwelling on the "i wish" thoughts.  Feel them, process them (write about them) then try to let them go and try to move on.  Please help, Father. 

Internal Monologue Improving

So I'm still disappointed and angry that I am not in control, can't get what I want when I want it.

The circumstances are worse, thanks to her menopause and related reduced interest in sex.  At the same time I'm less able to get turned on just by the visual stimulation.  Is it from my stumble into porn recently?  Is it her weight gain (also related to menopause)?  Either way, instead of feeling like less a man by not being able to "perform" (or by not being able to "finish" and find my physical satisfaction), instead I'm letting go and accepting that we won't be doing it as often.  It's great to have a better perspective.  But after a few nights of no sex and not very good sleep, I'm not in a very good place today.  Still, that's just emotions.  Remember to stay pointing into them, like a ship into a storm.  It's counter-intuitive, but remember that these feelings will pass quicker if I stick with 'em.

Sometimes I'm impressed with myself and thankful for the new found freedom, or at least ease.  But it's not that easy or that consistent.

My inner monologue, self-talk is better.  I hear myself saying, "don't expect her to do everything (like in porn).  Of course she's not likely to make love tonight, not if you stay in your crappy mood and childish sulk!

I'm very aware of thin females and womanly curves, but I know that real satisfaction doesn't come from the visual aspect but the spiritual or at least emotional connection.  What I enjoy most is her being turned on and satisfied.  I can't create that by pursuing the signs of passion like spontaneity.  I used to think that if she agreed to make love at a different time or place, or wearing something sexy, then that would either bring or show real passion.  But that's a symptom of passion, not the cause of it.   Besides it's a bit Hollywood/fantasy, not what we find in our real life relationship.   Better to forget about those external things and go for the heart of the matter: connection.  Real emotional connection.  Honesty, vulnerability, real listening, real caring.  Those things that she responds to are more wholesome and worthwhile in the long run, and they are what really turns her on as well.

Temple

He holds the earth in His hands, just as easily as He does our galaxy, and the universe--balanced on His fingertip.  He invented mathematics and science and matter and all the dimensions of existence--not just those we know.  He designed your opposing thumb, your veins and blood  (cleaning and clotting and even warning through the choice of the colour of red).  He sculpted you to have joy and melancholy and awe and anger too.  He crafted us to need each other, to enjoy Him and this mysterious life.


And He created a special temple as a place to gather round and say, "wow!" about all this.   This temple is the crowning glory of all His creations, it's His favourite hangout, with more of Himself invested here than anywhere else or any other thing He's made.  It's not just been sculpted from dirt or clay, not only has it been breathed with the Life from His lungs.  It's not just living flesh and blood, it's so much more.  You are His ever loving child with His mannerisms, infused with his potential for hope and trust and love!

He chose to reside and rest in you.  You are allowed to feel honoured and humbled.  It's audacious, but go ahead and believe it.  He didn't choose you because you performed well or because you added to your value. On the contrary, He brought value to you by choosing you.  Your value comes from Him, your value is not what drew Him to you.  He made His home with you, near you, actually within you.  He knows what He's doing.  He chose well. You needn't worry about your lack of value separate from Him, because He will never leave you.  He's not a shirt you can take off and toss away.  He is in your DNA, in your bones and in your cells like your fathers eyes are in your body and how you effortlessly carry your mothers' smile in your mannerisms.

Genesis 1:1-25
John 1:3
Collosians 1:16
1 Corinthians 10:26
Acts 17:24
Paslm 24:1-2
1 Corinthians 3:16 
Genesis 1:27
Paslm 139:14
Genesis 1:27
1 Corinthians 6:19
Ephesians 2:8-9
Romans 11:6

Bouncing My Eyes

Quick Google Search for the title of this entry shows lots of good thoughts and honesty about it.  It's helpful to be reminded of being diligent and it's encouraging to read others perspectives and be reminded that you are not alone in having to do this work, failing, trying again, and so on.

I have noticed that I have a very strong lure and draw to look, but when I've managed to not look, just recently, sometimes I've thought, "now that didn't hurt".  That's good to realize.  It's worthwhile to evaluate whether I feel robbed, whether it's painful to miss a dose of stimulation.  Although I want to lap up the imagery, it's good to realize that it doesn't actually hurt to give it a miss.  As Mark Gungor says, "you won't die".  Of course this is obvious, but after so many years of no filter and indulging in looking, it becomes automatic.  It helps me to remind myself that all it really does is distract me from better and more important things in my life, while revving up an engine that I don't really want to fuel because it drives me to lust and porn and masturbation.

Saying no to the visual stimulus means you're not taking steps down the road of "acting out".  I guess the word is trigger.  There's certain females at my work who I try to avoid watching as they walk, etc.  Those a kinds of visual stimulus are maybe more like straws than triggers.  No idea which combination of straws will "break the camels back" or trigger acting out.

Considering the fact that I don't need to look at that sexy shape helps strengthen the truth that I can live without the orgasm as an escape, the porn as pleasure to numb pain.  For a while now I've noticed myself noticing breasts and bottoms and thought, "It's not fair that I need to reprogram myself and do without this stimulation!".  That's good, good at least that I'm being honest about my feelings.  The old childish, "It's not fair!  I dont' like it!" stuff I've gone through before. Better to feel/pray that than not even be aware of my feelings.  Better to be feeling them and angry than they stay buried and pop out in other ways.

So sometimes I think, "I averted my eyes and that didn't hurt, I don't feel any worse for it".  Other times I am aware of how deep and how ingrained my automatic leering is!  Sigh.

Perspective

I'm loosing control   that sounds dramatic.  I'm loosing the semblance of control.  Maybe i just don't like the way things are going. 

These days when things change, it bothers me.  My job, my workplace, my career.  Big shocker: things never stay the same.  Bigger Shocker:  the world doesn't revolve around me.  It's really not all about me.  This isn't a movie with me in the starring role. 

One of the things that I cite as key to me becoming a Christian is the hope of having my own family where there isn't this heavy anger lit cloud hovering in the home.  Ironically, sadly, that's exactly what i do sometimes.  God, i guess i should ask u about this instead of assuming. I don't just want this for me. I want it for my family.  I'll follow you Jesus, and I'll keep on "letting you in" Father, regardless of what you do for me.  No matter what I do or don't get out of it. You are worth anything I can give.  I don't need to worry about what I'll get from it.  When I think about it, I know, of course, that you'll give me what I need, more than I can dream of, and it the right time.

My job might change or end, but that doesn't change who I am.  But I have skills and talents that I want to use and develop.  

Greener Grass




I remember being really annoyed and angry at my kids primary-school assemblies (equivalent to US grade-school production).  I had pride, joy at seeing my kid, the cuteness of all the little ones, the surprise of how much they've grown and how quickly they're growing up.

But I was angry.  I was horny and sex obsessed and upset that I left work and went back again without any "action".  Maybe I was jealous that the attention was not on me.  But most of all I was struck at how seeing rows of parents sitting in these little plastic kid-sized school chairs was so far away from a fantasy.  We weren't particularly attractive.  We weren't sexy.  We were ordinary.  We were 'just' parents.

Now I am in the next stage of life, and still seeing how it isn't a fantasy and it isn't hollywood.  I was invited to a friend's fiftieth birthday party.  That's fine, but looking around, so many people at the party were not attractive, not sexy;   They're often grandparents!  The focus of folks lives aren't about the hope of their future possibilities.   They aren't looking at their whole lives ahead of them.  They're middle aged.  I am too.  The ideal imaginary person I'd enjoy connecting with, maybe flirting with, would be a daughter of someone my own age.  Creepy!

New Year Stuff

Prayers:

Please reduce the connection between visual stimulus and sexual expectation.  Please help me bounce eyes from rears in skirts and boobs in blouses, but also I need to be able to have eyes opened walking down the street without the ache and the numb painful hunger to start a ticking timer of expectation and perceived need of relief.

Please break this lie that I need an orgasm.  I reject it and choose to believe that those needs aren't like water or food or shelter.  They're more like affection and encouragement--a higher tier need, not a basic human requirement for life.

Please break the lie that she doesn't want me which arises like a childish sulk.  "If she doesn't want me right now, then that means she really doesn't want me at all.  If I can't have what I want than I don't want anything.  If you don 't do what I want, then I don't like you anymore.  If I can't have control of the toy, then no one can play with it."

Goals:

100 times say to self, "you don't need sex, you can be at peace without an orgasm"

Rooted lie:  You can't live without sex, you can't cope with emotions without the release valve of an orgasm.

50 times say to self, "she does love you, she does want you, regardless of whether she wants sex right now.   Remember the last time she was really turned on--see it positively, not negatively.

Rooted lie:  She doesn't want you now, so she doesn't want you at all.  The porn fantasy is gagging for it 100% of the time and so if she doesn't want it right now then she doesn't desire you at all.


15 times let go of anger when not having sex that I expected at that opportunity.

12 times to say, "let's go to sleep, goodnight" without sex.

10 times to turn over and go to sleep without sex, without going downstairs (for food, sleepless night etc.)

5 times when making love, if orgasm doesn't happen, to let it go.

3 times to have an opportunity for sex with her, but not suggest it.

Your Spouse Should Know

1)  It's not about the frequency of sex.  She asks, "why are you angry/upset that we're not having sex right now, as we've just made love this morning/afternoon/last night, several times this week?

It's nothing to do with how often.  Addiction is a bottomless pit.  It's practically impossible to get "enough", so try to remember it's more about not being in control than the frequency. Not getting sex is painful, but other points of pain also trigger wanting sex.

2) It's not about you--often.  Romance gets left behind by sex.  Sex gets overshadowed by the orgasm.  You're the reason for the romance, and you're there.  But sometimes you get left behind.

3) We might not know why we are feeling these feelings.  We are feeling so many feelings:  anger, shame, frustration, hopelessness, yearning, emptiness... and we're feeling very horny. 

I realize talking through feelings is very helpful.  But it needs to be with the right person. Don't take it personally if a good counselor is needed rather than you for some of this rubbish.  Sometimes you're too close to be the one for the addict to talk out his strongest feelings.  You might not be the best person to objectively hear his pain at not having his pain relieved.  Maybe that's because you're the person who holds the power to give that sexual relief.  But you are so important, he's so fortunate to have you.  You personify real love, faithfulness, perseverance and steadfastness!  You Rock!

One Phrase

I was running and He dropped another thought into my head.  It was, "It's only pain".

I know God is good and He is always encouraging (even if he confronts or rebukes or challenges--it's ultimately for good--which is loving and encouraging).   So He didn't say this to me a few years ago when I might have heard it from a perspective of "your experience doesn't matter".  Or "you are not handling it correctly"

No, "It's only pain" is within things like, "You can do this!"  and "I believe in you"  It's not bigger than you.  Don't believe the enemies' lie that pain is this impossibly large and hugley immovable monster that you've never faced.

Like Rocky against Mr. T.  You're all, like "Come on and hit me, is that all you have?!!"

Worship the Worthy

My first counselor who tried to help me with my sex addiction said, when pushed, that he thought the condition was, on one level, idolatry.  That makes sense.  Any addiction is putting something, something that might not be bad in and of itself, in the place too high and too important--where really only God should be.

To Be Worshipped
But sex addiction touches on other imagery relating to worship.  The fantasy of Her wanting you, so much that she doesn't care who sees you do it.  Her not being able to stop herself, that sounds like someone worshipping you.  Her on her knees beholding your glory, seems very worshipful.  Wasn't that Lucifer's sin, to want to be worshipped?  Pride is our insecurity overcompensating.  I fear deep down that I'm a fraud, worthless and about to be found out and exposed at any moment.  To come back hard and strong in the opposite way is saying, "Look at me roar, I am a God!"  The truth is that we don't need to be ashamed.  He has given us value and there's nothing to be afraid, not least the lair of liars who tries to trick us into falling for the shame game.

Worshipping Her
I think I've written before about the image of the perfect woman, the Venus, the perfect beauty, perfect sensual creature. That's worshipping the female form, rather than the creative Creator and talented artist who sculpted her.  That's another easy mistake we can make.  Worshipping the awesome sunset or sunrise, instead of Him who crafted those things.  The crowning glory of all His creation is you--the one with the ability to think for yourself, choose whether to relate to Him or not, as well as make your own awesome creations.  I have wondered for a while why the traditional marriage vows say, "with my body I worship thee".  How's that fit in all this?

My Childhood Sex Fantasy Songs

Shook Me All Night Long, AC/DC

Rock and Roll Fantasy, Bad Company

Top Rough Boy, ZZ Top

Don't say a word, my virgin child

"spread your wings and let me come inside!"

Bob Seger, Night Moves

"She had points of her own, sittin; way up high.."

"I used her, she used me, neither one cared."

Counting Clean

since my last slip into masturbating, which was December 1st, 2017.

12 step program, SAA is best thing I've found in years! 

Remember:  don't turn on TV after 11pm
and earbuds by the bedside table aren't good when the broadband parental control password is easy to get via smartphone.  

Rules or tricks don't keep me clean, but being brave and being honest and accountable of my stumbles does.  I finally told her because I was fed up of our lack of closeness after many weeks, maybe a few months!

2nd try:

August 2019 was my last slip into looking at any porn.

12 step program, SAA is best thing I've found in years! 

Remember:  don't turn on TV after 11pm
and earbuds by the bedside table aren't good when the broadband parental control password is easy to get via smartphone.  

Rules or tricks don't keep me clean, but being brave and being honest and accountable of my stumbles does.  I finally told her because I was fed up of our lack of closeness after many weeks, maybe a few months!

So, I've slipped again.

So, I've slipped again.  Maybe it's the normal but difficult changes in our family dynamics (the effect on her, the effect on me, the effect on us).  Maybe it's something else.
Each time I slip, I find it harder than it's been in a long time to not slip again the next few weeks.  Is that a good enough reason to stay away?  No.  I miss the beautiful young firm sexy female shapes of porn.  I struggle bouncing my eyes away from them at work, I am disappointed in how time is taking a toll with Her body (though mine isn't great either).

The other night, when she'd turned me away without sex, I was struggling and feeling angry and couldn't relax to get to sleep.  I said to myself, "I'm tired of being ruled by this".  I thought I wanted to be able to be happy with or without sex.

Was that an important moment?  I hope so.

assessing 2 orgasms

I'm really horny and angry that she said no to a chance to make love.  I think about masturbating.  Worth remembering the times I did that and didn't feel any better afterward.  I felt worse and ashamed and a bigger gap between us, but no improvement or benefit.  It's just watching porn and the excitement and buzz and build-up of finding the stuff that is a strange kind of twisted enjoyment.  When I think about it, the orgasm doesn't offer much during masturbation.   I think the physical release of pressure of the orgasm is outweighed by the guilt and distance that I feel immediately. In real sex sometimes the orgasm isn't 100 times better than any other aspect of making love, but it's often the crowning glory, the climactic pinnacle (helped by there being no guilt and multiplied when you can enjoy giving your partner an orgasm too!).


With real sex, it's all great.  The build up, the journey, getting there, as well as the pay-off and destination.  I get to enjoy my great feelings, but even better is enjoying her enjoyment.  But with masturbation it's solitary guilt conflicted physical pleasure mixed and diluted in  the stream of negative stuff.  Starting out mediocre and bad with a little enjoyment scattered along the way, building toward a pay off of disappointment and self loathing.  Stopping to think about it:  would I choose those bad feelings over the pain that they're replacing? 

What did the singer songwriter Samantha Murphy say in an interview about giving up smoking, "I had to accept being ready to just sit and feel pain before I could every give up cigarettes." It's like that.  I need to just feel the anger, disappointment, pain.  It's more than just not getting sex, it's changing the automatic patterns (manually, one experience after another) and resetting the cycle so anger doesn't have to lead to temptation and expectation of sexual gratification.

If I masturbated about twice a day from 12 until 32 (sometimes more, sometimes less), then I've dug deep furrows of this action/response/reinforcement, well over 7 thousand times.  I wonder how many times I've chose to do the right thing and respond to pain (sadness, boredom, etc.) smarter?  I've masturbated a few times a year for the last few years.  Maybe I've chosen to go against the grain and fought against the tide a thousand times.   Who knows.