Better than Usual

Last night she was tired.  I wasn't "up" enough to try to see the funny side or rise above it easily.  I started touching her, she eventually started hugging back.  I wanted to make love (of course).  She hadn't the night before, so she was less keen to say no tonight.  But she still obviously wanted to sleep instead of be affectionate.  She's not my fantasy.  She's not always gagging for it.  She's a real woman, not a porn fantasy.  But she's mine.

I made one of those impulsive decisions and asked her if she wants to go to sleep, as she looked too tired.  She said "sure". (then said something nice like how much she enjoyed that last few minutes hugging).  My emotions had already skyrocketed, immediately after she said "sure".  It seemed almost like someone else had suggested this idea, which now seemed crazy.  Mostly I was feeling very angry and plenty hurt.  How could she be so flippant (as if rolling over and going to sleep was a huge thing, painful and abnormal).  What was true is that I might be facing a sleepless night. Damn!

I tried to let some of these feelings out, but I was concerned that I was doing it specifically to let her know how much I didn't like her response.  I tried to "cry" but silently.  I thought about how I don't want sleep to only come with lovemaking.  I very much wanted to not face another sleepless night either.

My mind started to spin through thoughts, not just negative stuff about sex, but other things, good things.  But things that have kept me awake lately.

Fortunately, after 20 minutes or so I fell asleep. That's great.   That's better than usual.  So nice that I'm not exhausted and obsessed and so tired I can hardly function--only counting down the hours until bedtime again--both for sleep and sex as my only thoughts.  Thank you Lord.  As often (if not always) the next morning I felt very strong resentment toward her.  "How could she?" "What about me?"  All these thoughts as if sex was a right, a need, something I can't live without.

My challenge now is to not show my annoyance toward her, to let go or cover it up.  She's not my fantasy.  She's not always gagging for it.  She's a real woman, not a porn fantasy.  But she's mine.  Thanks Father.  No point dwelling on the "i wish" thoughts.  Feel them, process them (write about them) then try to let them go and try to move on.  Please help, Father.