Obsession of the Mind

Learning about addiction via the 12 steps and AA.  They see addiction as a three part problem.  One, obsession of the mind.  Two allergy of the body.  Three spiritual malady.  See Wiki here.

Makes good sense with Alcoholics who can't stop once they start (physical allergy means once they act out they keep using, powerless to stop (rather than usual understanding of allergy, i.e. breaking out in hives or swelling, etc.).  The obsession of the mind is or insanity of the mind is about kidding yourself into thinking you can dance around the fire of the addiction and not get burned.  Left on my own, without doing the steps or finding health, I'm sure to talk myself into a situation where I find myself acting out.  Finally, the spiritual malady is the most important part because by treating this aspect of my addiction, I can find freedom and overcome all three problems.

Obsession of the mind:  I think my obsession does more than just trick me into acting out.  It robs me of many moments of peace or effectiveness as so so so many minutes and experiences that make up hours and hours of my weeks and years are distracted, disconnected and selfish.  It's the hundreds of times every day when my eye focuses on a female form, a curvy shape.  It could lead me to acting out, but even if it doesn't, the distraction and interruption is selfish, unproductive and disconnecting.

I love how the 12-steps are action oriented and solution focused.  I can't go long without 'okay, what are you gonna DO about it?' which is really what I need to get me out of my head and beyond endless theorising and philosophising.

The action is the pursuing spiritual health.  That's it.  It involves meditating (great to slow down, to quieten myself, to give some time away from social media, work or endless busyness!) it involves praying, but this time it's to my Higher Power (as I understand, as I don't understand).  This is familiar, yes brand new.  God, I trust You and ask you to help me as I'm powerless to improve my spiritual health.  I rely on you to show me what I must today to be more healthy (less selfish).  Help me to act different, to be different, to take steps of love with an attitude of growing thankfulness and humility.

Higher Power: take this away!

So I've been doing S.A.A for 3 months now, and I could write loads about it, but I'm writing because I'm in that place, feeling those feelings.

Last night:  no sex.  Late, tired, family evening so not ideal.  She said let's go to sleep and hinted that we could 'do it' in the morning.   She specifically said she doesn't want to spend all morning in bed (duh, house full of visiting relatives).  So in the morning I was wide-awake hours before she'd stir, so I went downstairs and got some work done.  Prayed my daily prayers and disciplines as agreed with my sponsor (not heavy shepherding at all, it's why I'm doing so much better!).

While downstairs I had the first morning to see my eldest son at breakfast time for months.  I was happy to chat to him and it was easy to offer to help him with some revising.  But I made her a cup of tea as I thought it was about the right time for her to be waking up.

I took her the tea and she woke up (I wish she didn't take so long to wake up in the morning).
I talked to her for an hour or so (I wish she didn't take so long to talk, and would move to affection).
I had offered to help my son with studying, and knew he had to leave in an hour or so, so not long after she moved over and put her arm around me, I decided to say that I am going downstairs to see if Eldest needed help studying.  She was surprised, but didn't mind (I wish she was desperate and gagging for it and would beg me to stay and screw her right away!). 

I didn't feel too bad, not angry (it was my decision) not sad, but a little annoyed.  Downstairs, Eldest didn't want any help studying, but the rest of the household was up and awake by now.  In the back of my mind is the fact that we've missed out on a chance for sex, and tonight will probably not be ideal either (three days in a row?!).

How much was I distracted, maybe 10%, not much.  Then after Eldest left the house for the morning, and she started talking about going upstairs for a shower, my mind started upping the ante and increasing to about 50%, not angry, not obsessed, but distracted and a little tense.  Will she suggest we 'spend some time together' (her code that she uses when we are with others, and even on our own).  She walked over to me where I sat and leaned over and kissed me without particularly making eye contact and without saying anything as she said she's going for her shower.  Was it an invitation for me to say or do something?  Naw, it didn't seem like it.  Seemed like she is relieved or glad or at best un-fussed.  With a house full of family, including visitors, it's not ideal scenario for her to enjoy it.  With a big meal to cook, her mind is elsewhere.  I wish she could make love to me when others are around without being distracted.  I wish she could make love to me without being put off by jobs that are on her mind like a meal she's going to cook.

So, the 12-step program gave me the idea to pray and ask for Him to take this selfish/addictive urge away.  Did that in my head, giving it over to him.  Now I admit m powerlessness and I pray for Him to be what I am needing/wanting from sex right now. 

I thought of calling my sponsor, but felt it better to try to do this with God myself, at least for now.  I remembered my feelings would lessen, or pass, as I'm feeling pretty adrenaline pumped, deciding to stay away from upstairs where she's getting dressed and near our bed.   I wish the only place we made love wasn't our bed, our room, when she's already undressed.

I reviewed my daily thankful list, so let's do that again from memory:  I'm grateful God loves me, accepts me, can and wants to meet my needs.  I'm grateful to be in a family (the one that's visiting).  I'm grateful to not be alone.  I'm grateful she loves me, is willing to have sex with me, even when that's not now. I'm grateful for discipline which means I can learn to floss, and pray, and do the program. I'm grateful for SAAers who I enjoy talking and listening to so much!  I am grateful that she will give me sex before this weekend has finished, or so I am confident.  And I am grateful that God knows what I really need and will not leave me or reject me.  I am grateful that spiritual health is something I can seek, and that control of my life and desires is something I can handover.

Accepting, yielding, giving-in, letting go

Abe lincoln supposedly said, "“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” 




This is a deep truth that's been trying to worm it's way into my stubborn thick mind for a while.  It seems really silly to hang on to wishing the world was different than it is.

Besides, this is what it means to become a Christian, in my tradition:

Yield, give-way, submit (to His Will), give-in, accept His Lordship, give over control and accept He's the Boss of your life.

I did that, and I've tried to do that regarding my sexual addiction.  But I've needed a 12-step program and support to get any further.  Now I see that's what I need to do again, and in a big way.

God, please give me the wisdom (and strength) to accept the things I cannot change!

My sexual desires have been growing, while the opportunities for sex (within my own definition of good and healthy) are decreasing.  What's gonna happen?  Can I manipulate my life to increase the sex to match my ever-increasing wants?  No.  I need to give up, give-in, change, let go, yield and submit to the will of something/someone outside myself, higher and bigger (and better) than me.  That's where the power to overcome this lives.  Not in me, but in God.   God, please help me.  I give it to you now.  Please help me to keep on giving it to you, and please help me to not take it back.  But when I do, please help me to give it again, learning and accepting happiness along the way.

Lust

Sexaholics Anonymous are a 12-step fellowship, like A.A., but for those willing to work the 12 steps for sexual sobriety.  They believe the problem behind their masturbation is lust.  They work hard to engage with God (however they perceive Him) to avoid lust and rely on Him.

I identify with this.  I can see how avoiding and reducing lust will reduce porn which will stop masturbation.  Other things are hugely helpful too.


Remember what lust is— “I must have it now,” whether it is the lust of the flesh or the lust of the mind.)

Oswald Chambers -
My Utmost for His Highest,

Logical cost counting

The drugs aren't working anymore.

So let's assess the choices:

1) endless sexual partners, though only virtual, not real

handpicked body shape from the youngest taught-est, 

in her prime of sexuality.  

Never upset or tired.  

100% orgasmic and all keen.  

Always on, ready to please, never "No"

2) One loyal and loving flawed female.  

Ageing and expanding waistline 

and sagging imperfect bits.  

Inspires real relationship but nonplussed to share hair-plucking and muenstration updates.  Sometimes allows real intimacy, but not averse to pooing before going to bed together.

Option 1 is endlessly tempting and alluring, but leaves you robbed and worse than empty.

Option 2 looks like a loosing bet, a disappointment with no fun at all.  But you're shopping for a date in a whorehouse.  Your putting your life savings in a one armed bandit.  You're expecting a vampire to feed you, instead of drain you of your life.  The Devil doesn't do anything but take.

the look of freedom

what does freedom look like?
today, right now, it looks like disappointment and pain.
a sad resignation, waving goodbye to the euphoria.

'just like everything those kinda dreams just came and went' (John Mellencamp)

as the crests decrease and the waves are further from my shore.
resignation that it's time to let the fantasies die (although they won't go quietly)
Hanging on and believing for a miracle of always increasing sexual stimulus, to finally satisfy, is silly.
The pain of letting go is smarter and a better road than the pain of carrying on like I had been.

Feelings elude

I didn't know how to do emotion.  Never learned by watching parents, not as a baby, a kid or teen.

If anything I was shown some emotions are bad.  I know I'm uncomfortable with someone being angry at me, and I can see it's not right.

So, how are you feeling?  I haven't a clue.  When angry, I want to express it and let it out.  But I can't.  Maybe I want allowed to as a kid and now I can't allow myself to.  Really don't know how.

Recovery

For the last month or so I've found a new world.  It's not really new, the 12 step fellowships have been around forever and I've know about them.  I have relatives who are deeply involved and I know it helps them.



But something happened, a moment of clarity, and I realised 'the drugs aren't working anymore'.  I enjoy our sexual relationship, then the inevitable challenges of life mean I don't get sex, which collides with me being angry/tired/sad/bored.  I loose myself in some porn and masturbate.  But, it doesn't work it just makes it worse!  The treatment is worse than the illness.  I am more angry and more distant and more desperate (and full of guilt) after maturbating than before.

So, I saw this pattern.  I saw that I need something else.  So I started the Steps.  And although I haven't even found a sponsor yet, there's something new that's happening that I've not experienced ever before.  I had some clarity before, but I have a new hope and fairly consistently helpful moments of perspective that are outside me trapped selfish tunnel-vision.

Check out SAA, (Sex Addicts Anonymous) it's made up of a bunch of folks who are there because the found it helpful.  Very powerful to be able to be helped by those who have experienced the same brokenness.  Talk about finding someone who understands!  The fellowship creates a culture where everyone focuses on the program, which means mutual support and unconditional acceptance, practice with boundaries and individual responsibilities, dependence on God, volunteer help offered (a chance to be helped by others with similar experiences), volunteer help requested (a chance to help others with similar struggles), face to face fellowship with hope for you and the power of storytelling.

Feminine Sexuality

Her sexuality is a mysterious flower, opening in season, responding to patient loving care.

Porn strips her down to an empty fantasy, no pursuit, no wooing or romancing.

You'd like her to be ready at the drop of your pants, but real life doesn't work that way.
You'd like the safety of her always saying 'yes', no risk of being rejected, even avoiding the work.
But if you take away what you don't want, you miss out on the good with the bad.

You aren't in control, you don't get to choose.  You are not God and you didn't make woman.  You may be used to choosing through porn, but getting used to endless options spoils you for reality and what they're selling is bogus.  It promises satisfaction while you enjoy the endorphins, but you are left with guilt and the feeling of a dumb hick who's been swindled by a big city slick snake-oil salesman.

Fantasy, how it looks in reality

I remember a few specific situations that really bothered me. They threatened to open a crack in my fantasy. They were a spark of light trying to burn their way through my outdated unwieldy armor.

 1) affectionate young couple at another table in a restaurant. This made me mad.  I didn't understand why, but it symbolised things that I was loosing and how fantasy operated on autopilot for me.  I was jealous and it reminded me that our honeymoon was over, having children had taken us out of the stage of dreamily staring into each others' eyes. Instead of holding hands and looking at each other, we were now handing each other wet-wipes and looking out for our young children. This image of a young couple being lost in each other reminded me of wanting to escape from my 'real life' and it was angering that porn didn't deliver on it's promises of the fantasy world free of pain.

2) grade school plays, primary school assemblies: seeing the other parents sitting on these little children's chairs, the distracted dads, the mumsy mums. They weren't sexy, they weren't looking at each other. It was all about the children. This bothered me because my selfish childishness wanted to be the centre of attention. I came home from work, and was alone with her, but instead of sex, she put on her perfume to go to the most unglamorous of plades.  We spent the time sitting on those little-kids chairs, I was horny but saw an auditorium full of other frustrated dads and sex disinterested mums.

Poetical

I'm grieving loss of my youth as my virility and stamina wanes. 

Seeing it all grey, and less than half empty.

No youthful passionate risky sex, not at ten thousand feet, nor the soft grassy ground.

No long-haired head casually tossed to one side innocently. 

No short skirt view offered for my  guiltless pleasure.

Man Up

So, I did wonder once if my self-worth was wrapped up in my sexuality, and I remember thinking in the back of my head somewhere distant and unformed the thoughts, 'what would it do to me if I can't 'perform'?   Well twice in one weekend it happened.  First I'm angry that I can't "get my nut" selfishly.  Then I feel guilty that I'm being so selfish and feel bad that she's not enjoying it anyway, but putting up with me and my needs--and I'm wasting her time.  That awareness that she's not into it is part of what put me off and stopped me being able to climax.  Plus I'm missing the very physical benefits that come from her being turned on and engaged and enjoying it.



So, I need to think more before revving up my engine if she's not into it.  I need to say, 'no' or not expect her to say yes if it's not really gonna work.  Sigh.   It always comes back to decreasing our sex, decreasing my expectations, doing it less often, hearing 'no' more and not expecting it as much.  Sigh...

So if she's not really up for it, I shouldn't expect to "get whatever I can" as it's oddly reminiscent of her being a masturbation toy.  Yikes.  That's not loving.

The fact that she's gained weight does come to mind, but I really know that's not what this is about.  Even if it's related, it doesn't matter as I can't say anything to her that's going to be constructive.  I need to be the man.  That's kinda the answer in all this:  be a man, feel the pain, do the right thing through it.

gone gone gone

I've let go of another fantasy.  i write this on a flight home from Ireland.  Just returned to my seat from the loo (toilet).  As i was in there, I accepted that it is too small, to smelly, and not private enough for passion.

So, I let go of ever joining the Mile High Club.  It was easy.  I didn't feel angry nor do I expect to miss it.

The whys are plenty, but they aren't really the reason I let go.  Probably a gift from Him that I'm able.

what am I letting go of?  The hope for excitement and an encounter that symbolizes that I am Really really desired.  enough passion to risk embarrassment, social disapproval.  So much passion and desire that usurps common sense.

For every thing I let go of, there is more freedom to enjoy than loss.  It takes some bravery and trust to see it that way.

It's so much more than sex

I'm angry because she didn't want to do it... Again.... But so much more is bothering me.  People with problems like ours aren't very good at facing bad stuff.  It's the crux of our problem--choosing diversions instead of grappling with what needs attention.  Addiction is our diversion.

So, I can feel angry, sad, distant and morbid without really facing what it's about, and miss out on moving forward.

As she is less interested in sex, it's bothering me that this looks to only get worse.  As we both age, it's not gonna get better. As we both put on weight, my mental images of what's a turn-on, built up over decades of consuming porn gets further and further away from each other.

She's going through 'the change' which often is associated with loss of interest in sex.  I've not been able to face that yet.  But it's time.  I'm not going to 'trade her in'.  But I do fantasize, or at least imagine, someone thinner, someone toned, someone younger intertwined with me.  Sigh.....  Who can I talk to about this?  Who in my faith tradition will listen and understand?  Who has time for my brokenness?  I can imagine a conversation in my head, even put a face on the listener of my choosing.  But I can make it a prayer and know I'm inviting Him to listen and speak and help. It's not easy, prayer never has been.

Me:  The only thing making me angrier than her rolls of fat, her big middle, her burping and snoring.... Is, my even larger frame and scarily fatness.  Yes, I fart, but isn't she supposed to be feminine?

Him (counselor mode):  Porn has a strong pull to you when you compare her changing body to what you are missing

Me: Yes, I am sad and it hurts to think I will have less and less to enjoy with my eyes that turns me on.  I don't know if I should be more attentive to her (try harder) or respect her and love her by just backing off.  It's hard to do that without emotionally disconnecting and making it passive aggressive. I want to loose weight, but I'm in a cycle of sadness or distractions of life which stops me changing my eating from one meal to the next. 

I guess the right thing is to pursue is real intimacy, treasuring her and valuing her on the inside, focusing there instead of the outside.

tripwire

so many things set off my angry thought, "she doesn't want me (want in context of sex).  Her wanting to spend time with whole family during holidays rsther than come to be with me.  Her wanting to go to sleep instead of making love, or even agreeing to go to sleep when I suggest we delay making love. 

It's like a surly child saying, "if you loved me you would do what I want!".  "Since you won't give me what I want, then you must not love me."

silliness.

But the lie is rigged there ready to explode, sending my anger through the roof.  Please, Holy Spirit, be the expert in my ear telling me which wire to cut so I can disarm this bomb once and for all.

Reality seems to be that I stumble along, making the same mistakes, eventually noticing little signs of erosion of the mountain and improvement of the disease, like how a kid grows--imperceptably, only when you are not looking. 

Itch & Scratchy on a bicycle

The cycle of lust, temptation, masturbation and self-hate goes round and round.

Lust and temptation is like an itch.  The more you have scratched it in the past, the harder it is to leave it alone this time.  You can do the right thing, looking away ten times.  But that one eleventh time you look, and it feels like the castle of sand crumbles.

So that one time when you feed the dog, you give-in to the "pull" and saddle up alongside the hunger, leering and inhaling some exciting female visual stimuli.....   It's like scratching an itch.  It feels great at the time, but it's oh-so short lived!  You end up feeling much worse and you're much more likely to get infected (sexual sin) and it's a very real possibility that infection will remain untreated and ultimately lead to gruesome gangrene, which bluntly put means horrible smelly rotten flesh.  Like a crack addict ruining all their veins and robbing their family members to feed the habit, a lust addict can't amputate the part of them which is infected.

Weird how I'm often surprised that I expect it to "hurt" or somehow feel negative when I choose to look away and not breathe in a female sexy form.  I think, 'now that wasn't bad at all, missing out on that!  Whereas when I do look, I hardly notice the enjoyment, but it revs up that engine that has nowhere to go.

Itchy & Scratchy on a bicycle

The cycle of lust, temptation, masturbation and self-hate goes round and round.

Lust and temptation is like an itch.  The more you have scratched it in the past, the harder it is to leave it alone this time.  You can do the right thing, looking away ten times.  But that one eleventh time you look, and it feels like the castle of sand crumbles.

So that one time when you feed the dog, you give-in to the "pull" and saddle up alongside the hunger, leering and inhaling some exciting female visual stimuli.....   It's like scratching an itch.  It feels great at the time, but it's oh-so short lived!  You end up feeling much worse and you're much more likely to get infected (sexual sin) and it's a very real possibility that infection will remain untreated and ultimately lead to gruesome gangrene, which bluntly put means horrible smelly rotten flesh.  Like a crack addict ruining all their veins and robbing their family members to feed the habit, a lust addict can't amputate the part of them which is infected.

Weird how I'm often surprised that I expect it to "hurt" or somehow feel negative when I choose to look away and not breathe in a female sexy form.  I think, 'now that wasn't bad at all, missing out on that!  Whereas when I do look, I hardly notice the enjoyment, but it revs up that engine that has nowhere to go.

Different Blues

Usually I write here when I'm angry because she didn't want to give me sex.

This time I'm in a mood because I've decided to not have sex.  My same buttons are pushed:

I've not had an orgasm
it looks like she doesn't 'want' me, or at least she doesn't want me right now, which means not always!

I have been reminded by my Bride herself (and Mr. Gungor) how I should "woo" her, let her know she's desired, romance her.  With porn we fantasize about he being 'ready' with no preparation, no work, no effort.  Of course that's not real life. 

Once recently I was in a mood and she fought against all the instincts to steer clear of me.  Instead she invited me upstairs---to bed!  We talked and I felt the mood lifting just because she was willing.  I found myself (impusively) saying, let's do this later, when I saw that people were just outside our window and she wouldn't be able to enjoy it really.  That was good that she saw that I can get out of my funk without actually getting an orgasm.  For me I think it was that I knew I could.  I had the power and wasn't in the dark of that it could happen.  That means the orgasm isn't the only way to get relief.  Knowing I could have an orgasm worked--so much that I said, 'no thank you' to the all important orgasm!

Back to now.  I've said let's go to sleep and not make love, for thre nights in a row.  But I feel in a funk today like I always do when she says no.  Last night I knew that I was tired, that we were unlikely to connect emotionally, and I imagined her just going through the motions and giving to me but not enjoying it herself.  That didn't seem appealing.  I'm now hornier than ever but must get out of this funk so we stand a chance for it to be right or at least not bad.  I feel like my equilibrium has been lost and I'll be able to be myself after the orgasm.  But the chicken and egg thing is that she needs me to be myself so we can enjoy good lovemaking.

The Great Counselor

Cycling to work this morning, I am glad my podcast finished and I didn't bother finding something else to pipe into my earholes.

Because I had a little conversation with myself.  It's not my crazy, really.

MyQuestion:  So what are you angry about?
Me: something about how I want sex every night, and I'm angry as I am expecting tonight to be the second night in a row with her either not willing to give sex, or at least not wanting to.

I went ahead and let some of my anger out, though I had to "give myself permission" because my first thought was that my feelings were "wrong" (no emotions are really wrong).  My expectations are based on my bogus habits and unrealistic expectations from fantasies coming to the forefront of my world.  There's no point blaming myself, or anyone else.  It just is what it is.  It's not easy or fun to change these things.  They are changed slowly and with difficulty. How, exactly?  Escaping from facing pain is how this all started, so it's gonna be painful seeing change & healing.  How does it look, one way is through these "conversations" and these new experiences and perspectives on the old emotions. 

MyQuestion: So, you say it's not fair.  Fine.  That's cool.  I hear you.  Another question:  Is it fair for her to have a life, to use her energy on things other than making love to you?  Is it fair for her to not to expect to do it, to even want to do it--every night?

Me: Hmmm. Of course, putting myself in her place is very helpful.  Sometimes healing comes to the spaces between the anger and the pain.  It's a delayed reaction that you only notice when looking back over time.  Not the epiphany or eureka moment or rocket launch, or explosion.  More a slow burn, more paint drying, the tide going out, or a scab healing.

It is worth listening to the conversation and asking, "Is this a voice like Fathers' or a trusted wise caring counselor who loves me and believes in me?  Is this that voice of judgement, blame and accusation expecting perfection?   Embrace His voice and tell the other one where to go.

Better than Usual

Last night she was tired.  I wasn't "up" enough to try to see the funny side or rise above it easily.  I started touching her, she eventually started hugging back.  I wanted to make love (of course).  She hadn't the night before, so she was less keen to say no tonight.  But she still obviously wanted to sleep instead of be affectionate.  She's not my fantasy.  She's not always gagging for it.  She's a real woman, not a porn fantasy.  But she's mine.

I made one of those impulsive decisions and asked her if she wants to go to sleep, as she looked too tired.  She said "sure". (then said something nice like how much she enjoyed that last few minutes hugging).  My emotions had already skyrocketed, immediately after she said "sure".  It seemed almost like someone else had suggested this idea, which now seemed crazy.  Mostly I was feeling very angry and plenty hurt.  How could she be so flippant (as if rolling over and going to sleep was a huge thing, painful and abnormal).  What was true is that I might be facing a sleepless night. Damn!

I tried to let some of these feelings out, but I was concerned that I was doing it specifically to let her know how much I didn't like her response.  I tried to "cry" but silently.  I thought about how I don't want sleep to only come with lovemaking.  I very much wanted to not face another sleepless night either.

My mind started to spin through thoughts, not just negative stuff about sex, but other things, good things.  But things that have kept me awake lately.

Fortunately, after 20 minutes or so I fell asleep. That's great.   That's better than usual.  So nice that I'm not exhausted and obsessed and so tired I can hardly function--only counting down the hours until bedtime again--both for sleep and sex as my only thoughts.  Thank you Lord.  As often (if not always) the next morning I felt very strong resentment toward her.  "How could she?" "What about me?"  All these thoughts as if sex was a right, a need, something I can't live without.

My challenge now is to not show my annoyance toward her, to let go or cover it up.  She's not my fantasy.  She's not always gagging for it.  She's a real woman, not a porn fantasy.  But she's mine.  Thanks Father.  No point dwelling on the "i wish" thoughts.  Feel them, process them (write about them) then try to let them go and try to move on.  Please help, Father.