I remember a few specific situations that really bothered me. They threatened to open a crack in my fantasy. They were a spark of light trying to burn their way through my outdated unwieldy armor.
1) affectionate young couple at another table in a restaurant. This made me mad. I didn't understand why, but it symbolised things that I was loosing and how fantasy operated on autopilot for me. I was jealous and it reminded me that our honeymoon was over, having children had taken us out of the stage of dreamily staring into each others' eyes. Instead of holding hands and looking at each other, we were now handing each other wet-wipes and looking out for our young children. This image of a young couple being lost in each other reminded me of wanting to escape from my 'real life' and it was angering that porn didn't deliver on it's promises of the fantasy world free of pain.
2) grade school plays, primary school assemblies: seeing the other parents sitting on these little children's chairs, the distracted dads, the mumsy mums. They weren't sexy, they weren't looking at each other. It was all about the children. This bothered me because my selfish childishness wanted to be the centre of attention. I came home from work, and was alone with her, but instead of sex, she put on her perfume to go to the most unglamorous of plades. We spent the time sitting on those little-kids chairs, I was horny but saw an auditorium full of other frustrated dads and sex disinterested mums.
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