day 4: 9 days left

Maybe this won't be enough. Shouldn't it be tougher?

Not that i'm liking it. Will I need to do this again or for longer?

She thinks I'm handling it well. She doesn't notice how I'm a bit turned in on myself. It was nice having extra affection for the first few days, but I am annoyed and mildly angry (at her).

I am much strickter with myself about where my eyes go as I know I can't get any satisfaction/relief anywhere in sight. Not the best motivation--just being honest.

Maybe this torture and struggle is actually less than what most people go through in this or other areas. Why do I think my problems are so much worse than most other people? what about people suffering from serious diseases or who don't have sex? Let's compare myself to them instead of characters in porn movies (or don't compare at all-even better).

	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
						9th 11	10th 10
	11th 9	12th 8	13th 7	14th 6	15th 5	16th 4	17th 3
	18th 2	19th 1	20th!

Sunday: 10 days left

Getting more hugs than ever.

Verse: Psalms 73:28 But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have
put my trust in the Lord GOD, That I may declare all Your works.

Am I gonna be a shaking strewn-out withdrawal obsessed wreck in a
week? Am I gonna be thinkin about it every second? Will it get was
easier?

Cleanse me, oh God!

Day 2, 12 to go

	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
						9th 11	10th 10
	11th 9	12th 8	13th 7	14th 6	15th 5	16th 4	17th 3
	18th 2	19th 1	20th!

Last night, the first night going to bed together knowing we wouldn't make love for two weeks. I'm angry at her even tho I believe her when she says she's doing this 'for' me and our relationship and my freedom.

Slept crap

Still did 5k race this morn. Tough as always. I prayed for selfishness to break. Colleague chatted to me briefly and that time went fast. Thought of helping another runner and remembered how
helpful that is for me. Thanked Him that I'm not alone & didn't feel strong dreaded desire to give up. Looking back, I enjoyed not being overwhelmed by the women in Lycra too.

Here We GO!!!!

So I bit the bullet and suggested we do a 1 Corinthians 7:5

"Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer."

The evening I suggested that we didn't make love, and I thought, man if one day is this hard, how is it gonna be for so many days?!! When I thought of the word, "IDOL" I thought we do need to do this for me. Hoping we'll find a new freedom in affection and reset or reboot my sexual expectations (maybe not immediately, but when we sow we reap!).

Then I come home from work a few hours ago and I've pretty much decided that 2 weeks is the amount of time I want us to do. A long enough stretch for it to have chance to flush out some demons and raise the crap that's in me, but not the month I originally thought as maybe that's being too extreme.

So what does she say? (besides that she'd thought 10 days)... She says, let's start yesterday. So, I have this huge dominating thought that she "doesn't want to make love to me tonight", didn't want to do it this evening--a rare evening that we have together without the kids. Damn! Start NOW! OUCH!!!! ^%$^%$£*&^* There are no words.

Anyway, "Here we go" God, please help me on this wild rollercoaster ride! I don't want to settle for anything but getting the most out of this experience and spiritual discipline. Not in my strength, in His (however that works), but I want to shake loose as many chains and shackles this month as possible! No it won't solve everything and some things might take time to kick in and bear fruit, but please, "MORE LORD".

My church leader said at the end of this time we might decide to extend it. Ha! That'd be a miracle for me to consider that!

Start Finish

Thurs 7th Wed 21st

I DON'T need sex or orgasms! (As Mark Gungor says, "I will not die!"

Jesus!

Triggers for lie: unwanted

She doesn't want me sexually--Again!

She NEVER wants me anywhere except bed.

she never wants me anytime except bedtime at night right before sleeping.

She never thinks about making love, dressing in a skirt: stockings,
lingere, or anything creative or different about sex.

She sometimes "makes the effort" but that's a chore and work and not
what she really wants to do.

She never wants to go to bed early with me--specifically to NOT sleep.

porn bitches pretend to want it anytime, all the time, anywhere,
everywhere, wearing anything. Nothing is too much trouble--for the
money they're making or the emptiness they're trying to fill.

Awake again

So why wouldnt we do it 2night?

1) were not in sync or connecting, actually seems everything she says
is annoying me immensely.

2) tired

3) still not sure where we stand after struggling with not doing it this morning

Why am I gutted and appauled and dumbfounded that we didn't do it tonight?

1) we didn't do it this morn
2) we didn't do it yesterday or last night
3) dont think we did it the day before either
(but that's not supposed to be the point)
4) her period is due any day, so we wnt be doing it for a week
5) I gave her an out, didn't think she'd take it based on 1-4 etc.

If I was away I'd not 'newd it'. If she was sick I could cope. Is it
because she's been so accommodating or giving that I expect her to
be--all the time. I can't make her change her mind. I am not in
control. This is the need that I need Jesus to meet. Sleep. Rest.
Respite from this never ending obsession. Masturbation doesn't really
help. Sex doesn't help when she doesn't want to. Well, she dosn't.

Jesus!

Angry and unable to relate normally

Oh one hand I know that she doesn't always want to.  I know it takes her time and that she wants to spend our time together doing other things too.  But I can't get away from my hope and thoughts that she will this time.  I watched the clock go from 9:30 to 9:45 to 10:00 (now looking bad) to 10:15 (forget it--but there's always hope!).  I can think of the right perspective of us being in sync and me woo'ing her and being giving.  But what's dominating my thoughts is whether I'll get anything and how her not wanting to this time and all the other times plays into the hand of the thought that she never wants me. 

So I decide to try to talk normally to her.  No point in being affectionate as on one hand I don't think it's very giving to try to be intimate with so little time, and on the other hand I'm not in a place to communicate freely and openly and easily.  I'm battling between selfishness and everything else.

So she is completely aware that I'm not at ease.  She knows I want "it" but knows it's not the right spirit/feel/reasons.  Finally, at about 10:40 we start talking about all this.  

My expectations and hopes are for MORE more more more.  But I know that's wrong so I resist.  

Better Decisions/Reactions

So the other night she indicated "no".  

Seems no matter how tired I am and how hard it is to stay awake, once she says no, I get angry and wide awake!

This time turned out okay as when the thought, "She NEVER says yes and gives to me.  I ALWAYS am the one not getting what I want"... I then thought, "Wait a minute, just a few days ago you were ready to let her off the hook and she surprised you by thinking of you and giving to you!  So "Never" is very not true!

2 Corinthians 10:5 "...casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ"

Die! Die! Die!

So give up on settling for sex on the physical layer, it detracts rather than being better than nothing.

Sex isn't the answer. No amount is enough. God, I give that need (right AND wrong) to you.

Please help me to not punish her or withdraw or have an angry attitude with her.

She loves me & is not going anywhere, but does not want me as much as I want to be wanted. She can't meet that need. Its a lie that she doesn't want me. True that she doesn't want me enough to satisfy my addiction. That's where only God can help & it's no use expecting
anyone else to. I'm not alone. He's near & cares.

Less

Before going on vacation for two weeks with her, I remember thinking, "I'm gonna have to settle for less sex". This thought came with a feeling of despair. I don't want less!

For the few weeks prior I noticed a lot of our sex was not so rewarding, except on the base-ist physical level. I decided to leave a few days from initiating with the hope of giving her a break (giving!) and maybe getting a better connection in the long run (getting).

I need to do the same now. She mentioned that we've done it a lot on our vacation. That sounds to me like she doesn't want to do it so much now. It reminds me how it's felt a little unsatisfying. Problem is I want it just as much as ever.

I tried saying "no one does it daily" but I still want it and try for it every day. She said no last night and I'm angry even now as I type this.

Jesus, please help me to overcome this lie that she doesn't want me. Please help me to "die to self" in this oh-so-painful way (yes I can feel an uncomfortable pressure in a specific part of my body right now).

Reading this poetic encouragement helped some, but I am in that place again.

More good news from/for self

Remember fondly waking up @ 2am hungry and NOT giving in to eating?

Remember getting up from table for a whole week still a little hungry, but enjoying more to see?

Remember fasting lunch & enjoying the rich strength from him a few days later?

Remember the joy of sharing Jesus with N. and how you (I) were on top of the world, seeing the sky a different richness, colour?

Remember the quiet satisfaction from forgetting the gadgets and playing chess with Ian and enthusing about filmmaking with Simon?!!!

Remember that it was worthwhile to resist. Not eating while hungry, at 2am & other times, made Papa proud. Didn't feel as good as an orgasm, but didn't follow on with guilt or erosion of strength either.

Logic and truth aren't enemies of freedom or creativity. Romans inspires the power we can draw on OVER sin from Him.

Ironic how praying & the Bible are keys to breaking out of cycle of addiction, but my heart and attitude can render them useless to me for a far too long.

Note from thriving self

Note from thriving self.

The world is better with optimism & hope.
It's better when you give the benefit of the doubt to yourself and the Creator.

You might automatically see things grey, default to pessimism, withdraw, and look for escape and a soothing tonic.....

But you are.... Me.  Remember how much better it was to try the better way.  Even when difficult, it isn't taking you where you want to go, is it?

Remember that it was worthwhile to resist.  Not eating while hungry, at 2am & other times, made Papa proud.  Didn't feel as good as an orgasm, but didn't follow on with guilt or erosion of strength either.

Logic and truth aren't enemies of freedom or creativity.  Romans inspires the power we can draw on OVER sin from Him.

Ironic how praying & the Bible are keys to breaking out of cycle of addiction, but my heart and attitude can render them useless to me for a far too long.

180 degrees

I started journaling in a time when I felt so far away from God that I started wondering if He was available for me to find at all. My experience of my Father being absent or distant tainted my view of God until I feared He was the same.

It's been a long dark time. I've seen a measure of improvement, like a rock climber slowly painfully yanking himself up a sheer cliff wall, one inch at a time.

That picture is great as it shows me doing it myself and it doesn't show God anywhere.

I keyed off other sufferers of addiction, looking for fellowship and answers, but also picking up on their frustration with the Bible and ineffectiveness of the Church. To be fair, all the people who I believed had found healing attributed it identically: Jesus. Not a method, not a concept, not an idea. A revelation and change of heart.

That rings true still.

But how to get there?

That was my search.

Was this destined to be my path to healing? I often wonder if I could get there quicker, if I'm my own worst enemy stubbornly holding on to my demons, avoiding seeking God?

I think I'm out of touch with what pain feels like. I can't measure it or comment on it. Was I in too much pain? Was it too much for me to approach God? Seems like not, but then I'd blame myself. I think I did try to seek Him, sometimes in some ways.

Thing is that a major change has come, I've found Him again. I asked Him to show me that He's near and He has. It's not been a tangible Hallelujah moment, it's been much more naturally supernatural. Thing is that it's real. I am enjoying knowing He's here. I have hope in hearing Him and finding Him and enjoying Him again. It's not as much as I hunger and thirst for (makes sense). I even find myself being selfish and avoiding Him or the discipline or work of seeking Him--even right now when I've got such a recent and good experience!

So a lot of this has come about as I've embraced some very "black and white" charismatic Christians ministry and, despite my out of control cynicism, God has allowed me to receive some freedom. How did it happen? Some people were praying and have been praying. Some other people (not perfect, just people who trust Jesus) have preached the Truth, given me

a chance to pray and respond to God, then given me a chance to pray while someone stood with me in agreement. It sounds so simple and sometimes it was cheesy. But all I can say is God used that to clear out my cobwebs and see Him and enjoy Him. I didn't pray about my addiction specifically as I knew I needed more time and wanted to do this one-to-one rather than in a large group. The ministry I had was called, "Cleansing Stream" from an American pastor and author who I deeply respect, Jack Hayford. Next is a very similar but one-to-one process called, "Restoring the Foundation". (Even watching the promotional video brought up more cynicism in me. But by the time it was over I was welling up with tears and I'd changed my mind--again).

So my advice is to TRY praying. Try talking to Him. Try listening to Him! Find someone loving who can pray for you. Maybe DO listen to that person who is suggesting you memorize some verses from the Bible! Just because it hasn't worked or has set off legalistic alarms in the past doesn't mean it can't actually be His way of helping you and healing you!

God is so Good!

I am up

Well over 95% of my postings here are written when I'm mad, horney and/or sad.

Hurray that tonight I'm not, although it's been 3 times longer than I
usually wait for sex. Yes, three whole revolutions of this big blue
marble!

So I've not blown my load for a long time, yet I'm happy! How can
that be? Dunno. Read some good stuff in Eric Claptons biography, and
some fantasticly fabulouso amazingly freeing and life-full words in No
Perfect People Allowed!

Life is good!

I don't want much...

I don't always want sex or an orgasm, just under certain circumstances:

1) if I'm sad to cheer myself up
2) if I'm happy to celebrate
3) if I'm bored for stimulation
4) if I've done something well as a reward
5) if I've something has gone wrong as a commiseration
6) if I've just enjoyed great sex, then I'd like it to not end
7) if it's been a long time since sex, then I'd desperate and obsessed!
8) if it's morning, I wake up with a woody
9) if it's daytime, I'm enthralled by the idea of an "afternoon delight"
10) if it's nighttime, then I know I better get what I can as it'll be 24 hours before the next opportunity
11) if she's in the mood (the good stuff, as it's meant to be)
12) if she's not in the mood (quickie, easy disconnected sex!)

Seems this list is missing some entries, but you get the idea

2010: Five Years!

Just noticed I've been posting my bile and infectious spewings here for five years, since 2005! So what's changed since then? Sadly, I'm not completely free yet, but things continue to get better.

Good:
After what I percieve as "missing out on sex" I am not angry at her for the entire next day

I am very rarely tempted to masturbate, regardless of how tired or horny or angry or sad.

When we don't do it I don't really feel unloved or rejected.

I'm less isolated which helps me to realize how crazy and unrealistic it is to want quickies or imagine her a love machine put here purely to pleasure me.

I push her to say no, rather than ignoring her humanity and wishing she always feels like it.

Bad:
I still surf to pages online that aren't helpful, and a few times I've viewed porn

When we don't do it I still feel angry and cheated.

I still want quickies and a love machine that's here solely to pleasure me.

I still wish she's always say yes.

What else?

I find myself searching for a lie that this is all anchored to.

"Constant sex will cover that you're not loved"
"If you don't get sex you will not be okay."
"The only way to cope with not beling loved is by getting more sex"
"You deserve sex, it's your right since you've had such a shit childhood/father"

Less to get better

I've been expecting and wanting and trying to get more and more sex.
Good news is that it's only from my wife, but she's got fed up. I
took the painful decision to agree some sort of regularity for us to
do it. I'd love that to be 3 times a day, in different placed, out of
the house as well,

But I knew I needed to suggest something more realistic and less
demanding of her. I said "every other day". 3 or 4 times a week.
Both when I said it & when I played it back in my head a few times
over the next few days too.

I did secretly hope she'd say, "no, I couldn't, wouldn't live without
your sex for that long!". But of course that's the lying fantasy of
porn.

She did almost initiate sex the next night, starting me out ahead of
our agreed "quota".

Now it's been two days without, I feel I should downplay it and
pretend it's no big deal. I hope we do it tonight ( as were not doing
it before bedtime ).

She wishes I didn't always choose it over sleep. I understand her
desire for me to be free, but I still wish she'd want it more.

It was truly painful

It hurts, and Making it stop isn't right

Mad yesterday because I didn't get it when expected to.  She didn't
promise, but I'm so inflexible.

Once I miss out on what I expect is coming my way, I get tunnel vision
& keep trying to find a way and time to not miss out.  Waiting til
normal place and time seems like being cheated and as if it's owed to
me.  As if I should swap what I didn't get for something else out of
the ordinary, like sex before bedtime.  I'm keeping count but only of
when I don't get sex, conveniently forgetting or dismissing when I do
get it.

Demanding & not giving or free about it

God, what are you saying?  I wagt to believe you're near.  I want to
sort this with you and not just her, as it's more about my issues.

I see that I need to back off and not demand or push sex .  But h
wanna just go away until she's ready.  I don't want the rest of
mundane life without the sexual connection.  I need to accept it &
engage regardless.  She'd like regular life together, not just when
sex is happening.

Sighhhh

Not On-Demand

Yesterday I watched her get out of the shower and wanter her--right then.  So my mind registered the hours that passed until the kids were finally in bed.  I sat in a chair reading a book as she didn't have any thoughts about sex or us together.  I stewed a bit as time continued to tick away.  Finally it was time for bed, according to our innanely predictable routine.  Was she now too tired for sex?  Had she used up all her energy on the kids, on making supper, on homework, housework and winding down afterward?

No!  Although she came to bed with the same painfully inevitable step by step routine as always (missing the chance to come to bed dressed differently, missing a chance to kiss me anywhere else, missing a chance to say anything sexy before we were in the exact same position as always, looking at each other face to face as always with the same background).  Instead of taking her queues that she was interested in sex and enjoying it (glass full!) I couldn't get past what else I wanted (glass not full).  My mind started wandering to how our kisses are the same, our carresses haven't changed.  I thought how great it'd be to be somewhere else.  I wasn't fantasising about being with anyone else, but with her SOMEWHERE ELSE!  I also considered how she'd not see the point.  I realized making too much out of the external would only make things awkward and harder for her to get into the zone and for us to connect (which is the real source of fresh and amazing and satisfying sex!).  So I knew enough to know I was wrong.  I was annoyed that I'd had to wait this long and so was wanting more of something else.  As if I should be able to have it jus because I thought of it.  (like with porn). 

I was able to remember that the way I talked about these ideas was important.  Could I suggest something different without being really demanding?  I tried it by suggesting that we should have a day together without the kids.  I said, "What could we do that we've not done before (but of course she wasn't thinking of sex).  I said I could leave it for her to think of something original, a different way we could make love, but that wouldn't work (ouch, that's not positive).  She immediately picked up on this saying, "You're not complaining, though?".   My next point is that I could think of something but she might not like it, so therefore we should talk about it.  But she didn't want to.  Probably giving off those vibes, me.

She's not there just to satisfy my every whim and fancy.  She's sometimes tired, sometimes bored, sometimes interested in other things.  The sexy ways that I found and flocked to over the years of porn (guestures, postures, stripteases, surprising bold initiatives) are not her.

Lots of things that would really turn me on don't turn her on.  She might go along with something, if I spell it out and ask her and explain it to her.  But good chance it wont work, she won't pull it off, or wont't get into it.  The most important part of these fantasies and scenarios and ideas is for her TO WANT TO. 

Sigh....  Based on what's happened over the last few years, I'll continue to get used to what I have and get over what I don't have.  Little by little my fantasy world of unrealistic requests and enending hopes is dying a death.

Dialing down the desire

What sucks is when I think about getting some, then I don't.

If I imagine it, then I have to wait (not easy) and I have to accept that it might not happen (grrr).

With porn it was imagine it then enjoy gettin' it.

That ticks me off.

If I can stop getting so worked up, that'll help the process of dealing with not getting any (or at least maybe not getting it).