Hole

I want a hole. I've given up on using my fist.

But in the search of significance and the long slow walkabout toward healing....
I just want a tight hole.

Not very enlightened. Not Christlike at all.

Why am I angry today? I "got off" last night --even in the exact way I hoped.

So the anger isn't really about sex, or even about getting my own way (unless I'm still angry about the three days in a row when I didn't get it before last night).

I know one thing, I'd like a hole to rub against for about two or three minutes. Then the drug would be released in my body and I'd feel better.

Mabye not for long. Maybe not better in many ways. Maybe not even better.


But that's what I want.

Poem of Poo

I have somethings inside me, like an idea, but it's stronger. It's either true or a damn lie. It's not under my skin, oh no. There's a sense of it in my muscles, but it goes further. It's in my bones. What's echoing in my marrow? It's simple:

"God is Good"

God is Good, it's not really just in me, but it's the deepest part of me. "God is Good" is part of my DNA like my eye colour or metabolism. "God is Good".... That's true, it gives me energy and joy. Enough to fight against it's foe, the lie.

The lie lives deep inside me as well. I guess my intestines are it's hiding place. This parasite has been hiding there and quietly sucking my life for years. But it eventually gave itself away by growing too much. There's no quick operation to cut it out, it's gotta be starved and ruthlessly murdered (It screams as it dies). You know how every time you shower, small flakes of dead skin are washed down the plug-hole? Just the same, each bowel movement of my soul takes with it some of the dead lie:

"You are worthless"

Once exposed it looses in a battle against the Truth. (you see, Truth includes "You are fearfully and wonderfully made!").

"He doesn't love you" -- also is suffocated until it's just a dry carcass, almost laughable and harmless. "Nothing can separate you from the love of God"

Yes, there's a battle going on deep inside me. But I know the Truth is greater than the lie. I know it takes time, but I know He is with me. It hurts, but I am strong enough. It's slow, but it won't take forever.

God Bless you, and may you see those lies and know your Truths.
Me

Addiction Checklist

de-sensitization
kidding yourself that it's okay
withdrawal?
lowered discipline
distortion of attention

Jesus pain, my pain

Great sermon here about getting stuck in shame and moving on from it.

When I was teased and not defended as a child, rather than blame my Dad, I can take comfort that Jesus was mocked (Luke 22:63) as part of that oh-so-powerful and redemptive crucifixion..

Last night I was enjoying being affectionate with her. It was her period, so I knew she wouldn't be able to properly enjoy sex, and she was very tired. I think it was the first time I got very turned-on, yet rolled over and went to sleep unsatisfied but happy. Woke up after a good night's sleep and felt fine too. Life is good!

scorn and shame, Good News

Isaiah 58-627

Instead of their shame
my people will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
they will rejoice in their inheritance;
and so they will inherit a double portion in their land,
and everlasting joy will be theirs.

"For I, the LORD, love justice;
I hate robbery and iniquity.
In my faithfulness I will reward them
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed."

Milestone

Yesterday was the first time that I can remember (since this battle started) when we didn't "do it" one day, and the next day I actually forgot and was free of anger while around her!

Heb 12:2 - "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Goodbye....

Why am I so angry that she doesn't want to "do it" before bedtime? I'm not just angry that she doesn't want to tonight, or that she didn't want to last night, or the night before, or as many nights before as I can remember... I'm angry at the thought that she's very very rarely ever going to want to. I'm shaking my clenched fist furiously at God for the truth that exciting, thrilling, spontaneous and surprising sex is gone...

I accept that it wouldn't be mind-blowingly fantastic on every level. I understand that it'd be quirky, or it could be a miss more likely than a hit. What really infuriates me is that whatever I settle for, isn't going to be on offer. If I go for romantic, slow, drawn-out lovemaking that starts with talking and talking--nope. If I just try for a quickie, no fuss... no muss... Nope again.

I think I should be thankful for the sexlife we have--which is great really. "Sex is a blessing, not a right". But I still burn at the fact that, no matter how good it is, it's boxed between the boundaries set out by the kids, work, her energy, the phone, friends, neighbours, builders, sleepiness, interruptions, distractions, etc.

Good Decsion, Bad Feelings

Yesterday was a regular Saturday, time @ home, stuff to do. Not too busy, not too slow either. I hardly thought about taking her to bed during the day (and when I did there wasn't any bite to the feelings).

We didn't touch all day. I don't know why, probably no reason, nothing wrong. But once the kids were in bed I felt so tired, and started getting angry (probably that sex before bedtime wasn't likely to happen--it never is).

So I went to bed appauled when she started a little sewing job after I'd mentioned going to bed. It was still early to her. So I laid in bed with the lights out, exhausted but sure I'd not be falling asleep before she made it to bed.

When she arrived I tried to act and talk normally but I my mind was overwhelmed. Why had I become angry? Why am I livid now? I know being tired is a big part of it, messes up my judgement. But what's the big deal about screwing downstairs or anywhere else than bed? I don't have the same feelings about her not having the body of an 18 year-old (or me for that matter).

So I laid there and her body language said she'd let me "do it". Here I decided to risk missing out on the orgasm rather than have an empty and angry one. I told her what was going thru my mind. We talked and she gave me one of those hugs and said something hopeful about the next night, which meant no sex tonight. I felt the usual livid anger, but this time could have a conversation with the unreasonable self from the perspective of a sane person in my head too.

Now it's the next morning. Slept okay though. I'm trying to not be mad at her to *uck up another evening.

Insuppressable

This emotion is impossible to suppress. I was fine all day, but I get home early and I'm angry.

Angry that she's only got a little time before picking up the kids from school.

Angry that she's not interested in putting her chores on hold and being with me.

Angry that she doesn't want to f***!

Weird how powerful these emotions are. Let's just have a look at them. My arms are feeling kinda tingly. My jowls are kinda tense. I don't know whether my eyebrows are tensed or not. My shoulders definitely are.

Auuuuggggghhhhhh!

Jealousy

Had a thought that I might be able to think through a better way to approach the idea of having a "day of love together". I was happy with that thought.

Suprises don't work for her. She' fills her time with everything else but me, I feel. (But there was a time I asked her to come to bed with me and she did).

Planning didn't work for our anniversary. Damn!!! Does that mean that'll never work again?

Will she ever surprise me? Will she ever plan or proposition me!!!!



I guess feeling like never really translates to "soon enough". These feelings will lessen. They won't always be this strong. I'm never ever ever giving up.

Blessings through Trials

I just changed the "slogan" from "No One Does It Daily" to "SEX IS A BLESSING, not a right!".

Seems the sleepless night last night is worth it if I get a clearer picture of the battle, a glimmer of understanding of the enemy, or revelation of how stuff really is.

I was thinking of how good I had it recently, made it through her period very well looked after.

So why did I go from "on-my-knees" sleepy..... to wide awake and livid.... All in the space of about five seconds? Because when I asked whether she wanted to go to sleep, she said yes. This was reasonable, she'd given out a lot today. It'd been a long day.

Still, here I laid (lay?) seething and thinking about how much of this is just physiological. Maybe there's no reason and no logic behind what I'm going through. I get more effin' pi**ed off that I was wide awake than I was that I wouldn't get an orgasm. Only a few minutes ago, I'd lied in bed talking to her for almost fifteen minutes, tired and ashamed when I thought that if she wasn't gonna want to "do it", then I'd rather skip all the talking and go to sleep. Now I knew the answer, and I didn't know what to do to move on.

Should I talk it all through with her (asking her to give-out a even more)?
I can't ask her for that orgasm, as she's already said she doesn't want sex.

I'm gonna ride this bullshit out. I'm not gonna let the stress and strain of ANY number of sleepless nights stop me from fighting to get through this crap.

Last Day of Vacation

Okay, the two weeks are done. We had a respite from this emotional separation when the cold and sniffing and coughing didn't dominate. But now her period has started. Last night she asked me what I wanted to do on my last day off. I was immediately agitated feeling that I shouldn't want what I want and better not admit it. I'm still pissed that we didn't once go to bed during the day. She stayed in bed one morning and that was nice though.


So you don't get good sex just because it's New Years Eve, or Christmas or your anniversary. You have to have the right attitude, work at the relationship, and hope that all the stars are lined up correctly (something that you can't predict or control). Periods, colds, visitors, phone calls....



So I can hope for things, but that doesn't mean I can have them. It's not wrong to want intimacy and sex, but I need to move on when I don't get them. At the wedding this week I was reminded that I've promised to love her in sickness and health. So her cold is sickness and I've struggled loving her while it took away our intimacy. Damn. I feel like a spolied kid wanting my Christmas present, but finding myself in a grown-ups body and seeing that Christmas isn't for me anymore.

1 week down, 1 to go

Been off work a week for the Holidays. I've been pissed off as she's been coughing and cold-filled. I've not been particularly empathetic towards her. But everytime I hear her sniff or snort or hack, I'm reminded how she's not gonna want to be affectionate. We've gone though the motions most every night. But because it's an emptiness in me that's the real problem, of course I've still not been happy.

So, all I've wanted for Christmas is to go to bed in the middle of the day with her once or twice. If things keep going like this, it ain't gonna happen. I'm so damned picky, when I think of something that I want, I want it--and exactly! It doesn't make any sense to be angry at her--she doesn't want to be sick either. She probably thinks it's more unconfortable for her since she's the one with the cold. But I am pissed off, and I am credulous that she's not seemed to want to come near me for this entire week. It makes me pretty damned annoyed to think of her like this for another week. Damned. I have thought about being thankful for what I have. But failing writing these illogical thoughts and feelings down here, I don't know what to do about it.

Anniversary

I built up very high expectation for a day together. I woke up cross because I could see already that she wasn't shutting out the world. No escape for me that day. We did enjoy some time together, but it seemed far too little.
Merry Christmas and may you Enjoy reality and freedom and wholeness in 2008!

Honesty as a Policy

The other night I was cross and resenting her for not "doing it". Nothing new here, but what was notable is that I was brave and took a chance by being more honest with how I was feeling. I am usually afraid of saying the wrong thing and missing a chance to get what I'm desperate for (sex). This time I went ahead and said what I was thinking. The manipulative thoughts in my head were saying I'd miss out, but I did it anyway.

She was very glad for me to be honest. We managed to reconnect (and there was even sex too). That's what I struggle with, the want for sex and the want to do what's right (and avoid the guilt of being selfish).

If you're struggling, please take some comfort and strength from my experience that it does get easier. It really really does!

Persevere!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Feeling pretty bad right now, a bit low, a bit angry (but in my right head, mostly).

It's the fact that she & I had some time together alone, and I couldn't get it out of my head.. the thought of a quickie. A still small voice said something to me about "Can you work out a scenario that will be honouring to her?" And I can't. A quickie in the car, somewhere where we might be found out, it just doesn't right when looked at that way.

It's just that I can't have orgasms during the day very often. When there's a chance for us to be alone I find it hard to let go of the idea. Half (at least not all) of my thoughts during our nice lunch together was where could we go to screw (home wasn't any good as the builder was there all day).
Now she's hinted that there's be a chance at some point, but I know it'll either be completely disconnected and I'll feel very guilty, or she means around midnight when she gets home after a very long day. I want a chance to do it outside the usual time, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Happy Anniversary!

...to me. Today I've matched my record for the most days clean (recorded anyway). Last time it was @ Christmas holidays @ my parents' place (where they had cable TV) and one night I woke up and watched some soft porn and M'ed.


Anyway, today I'm aware that my hopes for my next day-off is dashed as she's got a sore throat. Didn't hurt really. Not ideal, not what I was planning, but it seems okay. Things are always getting better.. Still....


If you persevere and don't give up (even if you stumble, keep on keeping on) it will improve and you will find it easier and you will WIN!

Materialistic Sex

Did some Christmas shoppping today. Spent half the time on the phone and the other half listening to a podcast. The girls in the short skirts caught my eye. Then I was in a store and I found myself browsing the skirts (longer ones), while knowing that I can't buy something to get her in the mood. Sex isn't a commodity.

Christmas's materialism sux. I feel I'm wired and programmed to seek sexual gratification, especially this time of the year.

Score!

What a change a day makes!


She was honest expressing her frustration of me seeming demanding.


I felt crushed, and automatically took it to heart as "my fault" all along.

She admitted this is just how she feels and that both our attitudes could do with changing.


Next day we picked up at the same place once the kids were in bed.


Cleansing and theraputic to be more honest and more vulnerable. Not about sex, about fears and honesty and intense stress.
Now I'm flying high!