Voices in My Head: better

So from the last posting, things are the same in that we seem to be doing it less often now than a month or two ago. "NO ONE DOES IT DAILY!" (Yea!, or Fuckkkkk!). But on the other hand I look ahead to our schedule and think how shitty it is that we won't be able to do for far too many days (three! sometimes three!), and looking back it's not been quite as bad as I feared. Visiting pseudo relatives seems to sometimes get her in the mood (whereas I expected she'd be too tired when we finally got home & in bed). This was a great time when she was really "there" ( and I managed to not be "heavy" or pissed off). And ten minutes before I was pissed at her boring repetitive routine. It's so the opposite of being spontaneous. Then...

I think about how she never does anything about wearing anything different, hardly ever does it anywhere else. These thoughts don't have the same weight behind them, but still...

But... as these kinds of moans and whines go thru my head, I'm hearing something new and different which isn't usually present, "Yes, but look on the bright side." or "Yes but at least you can be thankful of..."

p.s. almost two months "clean". I need to keep this in mind when I have an afternoon/evening on my own tomorrow. Will I surf where I shouldn't? Will I secretly have a pizza?

R U Experienced?

My new mantra, "No One Does it Daily" is getting a lot of use as we have had a busy month, which means sex gets left behind, and ego-boosting lovemaking is missed too.

None last night, none the night before. I could look at the bright side and see how it was my decision to roll over, as she'd have been willing for me to have sex with her while she only participated in the smallest of ways. Great that I was strong and turned that down, but that's the second time that's happened in the last week and we have another string of busy days where our sexuality will probably fall off the edge of the list in favor of other "good things".

So this morning she put her arm around me and nuzzled, but then got up and got on with her big list of "good things". Now she's upstairs having a shower. Why do I imagine a quickie as she's up there naked? Why do I even entertain the idea of us doing it when I know damn well she wont'/can't get into it like that. If I think about it, I'd never expect any of my friends or neighbors to be so lucky with their real-life wives... But I have more experience and memories of porn situtation then I do of real and healthy and good ones.

Again, a shower is not an erotic situation, it's just a daily routine to get clean. Nudity does not mean sexual readiness, it's the stage between one change of clothes and another one. I'm feeling very negative, so what's something positive? The once a week of sex is really enjoyable and healthy and good. About once a month or so it's mind-blowingly satisfying in every way, usually for both of us. That's when we are "in tune" beforehand and connect in more ways than just physically.

Need Love and Gift Love

Evidently C.S. Lewis came up with these distinctions

Need Pleasure

& Appreciation Pleasure

too

brought to you by Ravi Zacharias.

check out the audio/podcast here.

so, I was designed to need? It's not a sign of weakness or unacceptable imperfection then?

Pleasures approved

• Anything that refreshes you without distracting your from your ultimate goal is fine.

(I'll say my ultimate goal is to be the best father I can be
-- first to my children then to whoever else Father gives me).

• Anything that jepordises the sacred right of another is not okay.
  

• Too much of a good thing will distort reality or destroy appetite.

Ravi Zacharias
talks about
"What is Worthwhile Under the Sun"

Sex Idol

So she was pretty pissed off all of yesterday, which I only really found out when we were lying in bed together--late. Somehow when that's the situation I automatically switch from demading selfish mode to selfless and caring mode. Then I rolled over and went to sleep without much hassle.

But after a strong memory of several days when I didn't "get any" recently, I'm pissed about tonight being a late night out for her. That's two in a row. Damnit! It goes through my head the idea of me saying to folks that I need to be home early and explaining that's the only way I can get sex. Just as ridiculous is for her to not go out or not stay out so late so we can not miss "doing it". Ridiculous. That's one sign of an addict--when the addiction squeezes out other parts of life. Idolising sex is when it's too important, takes over instead of a part of a healthy mix of life.

Usually when we miss a day or two, I start getting agitated. In order for our relationship to carry-on happily I need to relax and stay connected--not withdraw or pout. Should I go around chanting and reminding myself:

"Sex is not my right"

"No One Does it Daily"

Cold Shoulder

So last night I tried. I was coming from a place of being positive and focusing on her (I wasn't giving off bad vibes or using her). The night before she wanted me, and so there was sex. The whiney me now wants to say that the next night she didn't want me, so there wasn't sex. It's great that she felt she could say no to me. It sucked that she said no to me. When one of the kids coughed and coughed I went downstairs, using that as an excuse, but my count continues to climb. No M last night, although I wanted to. I'm not so cross at her as usual, wonder if that'll convert to sex tonight...

Another Week Goes By

So the counter continues to grow, I'm gettin' toward a month. Last night was the first night after her period ended, so I had expectations. But she was too tired. I went from sleepy to awake and mad in a matter of a fraction of a second.

I started to go downstairs, but was too tired. I mighta messed up my counter if I had, probably eaten needlessly.

I can't remember the last night when we didn't "Do It" when I didn't also sleep really shitty--including last night.

We were both home today (Saturday) while the kids were out playing. No one knew when they'd come home, and she doesn't get in the mood quickly or during the day, so I decided not to try. Five minutes later the first kid came home, so it wouldn't have worked anyway.

Aggghhh!

Mental Injury

can you still remember the first images of porn you saw as a young boy, even if it was decades ago? Then you need to "protect that wound" so it can be healed.

Three Weeks Clean

So, my M-Free Counter says three weeks.

Less lovin' lately, and now it's her period.

Sigh...

God!

Escape!

I wanted to check this website when a friend told me about it and about how she met a woman in the process of having sex-change change operations. I was wondering if she/he had the same sort of father issues or addiction background that I find with porn addicts and other kinds of sex addiciton issues.

On her website: www.jennibrown.net

you can read that I'm not the first to ask this question:

"Only a handful of specialists in this country are approved to make the diagnosis of GD. They must be consultant psychiatrists with many years experience of Gender conditions. They have to rigorously apply a set of international standards of care guidelines. One section of those guidelines, dealing with diagnosis, specifies that the possibility of certain conditions MUST be eliminated before a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria can be made.

These conditions include Mental illness and certain non-specific disorders including "psychosis or fantasy related to escapism". Due to my reluctance to accept the diagnosis I have seen 3 such specialists supported by 2 consultant psychotherapists all of whom are unanimous that whilst certain events were significant in allowing the re-emergence of GD there is no element of escapism whatsoever. I would add, given questions asked about a conflict with my Christian faith, one of these specialists was also an anglican priest."

So, the experts already know to look into whether the person seeking Gender Reassignment is looking for an Escape, which is exactly what myself and so many other porn addicts are also doing.

p.s. I wish Jenni all God's grace and peace for her future.

Default Path and Gravity

Last night I had no excuses, no anger, no real boredom.

I just saw an article about a new porn video site. Somehow it's harder to resist clicking on new links. It's probably more about my curiosity and liking knowing all about the net. It bleeds over and latches onto this stuff (this addictive and compulsive stuff).


Shame, there goes my M-Counter back to 1. Sigh.

Still good that I don't go into a tailspin of guilt and self loathing. I know I haven't lost all the ground that's been won.

But will it the temptation be closer to my surface next time? Will it be harder to say no?

We (me and Her) hardly talk about this crap anymore. Since ASI has podfaded and there seemed to be a summer lul at BlazingGrace.org I've kinda just drifted and not thought about all this stuff. Maybe moving on. The host of BlazingGrace pointed out that my email address "HealedAddict" might not be the name I want to refer to myself by. I know that day is coming. Maybe it's sooner rather than later.

Wild At Heart

"Why is pornography the most addictive thing in the universe for men? Certainly there's the fact that a man is visually wired, that pictures and images arouse men much more than they do women. But the deeper reason is because that seductive beauty reaches down inside and touches your desperate hunger for validation as a man you didn't even know you had, touches it like nothing else most men have ever experienced. You must understand -- this is deeper than legs and breasts and good sex. It is mythological. Look at the lengths men will go to find the 'golden haired woman' ".

(Wild At Heart, by John Edlredge)

Uphill Battle, not infinite

So I was walking home today, thinking how it's her period and I'm finding it so much easier than a few months ago. I didn't wake up angry, haven't been obsessing. It's kinda like I've reached the summit of the hill, and now the momentum of reaping some better thought patterns is piling on top of other blessings. It's like I've finally pushed the boulder up the hill, and with some momentum it's really almost easy to keep it moving now that the ground is level. As much easier as it is now, it was the same situation compounded before--only difficulty made it more difficult. Bad vibes made it harder, and the fact that it was difficult made it more diffucult. Vicious circle and repetitively bad cycle. What breaks the cycle? Grace. Real love--both on my part and those close to my like my lovely bride.

Surrender, Escape, Death & Life

So the friend who sees me and gives me "pastoral support" every month or two asked me why I was doing so much better.

The usual are still true:

1. Persevering. (time doesn't heal all wounds, but combine time with a hard fight and you're gonna get there).

2. Honesty. (brutal, frightening and ever risky honesty)

I've had some fantasies and hopes that I have becomre more and more sure were hopeless (to be met at the door by her wearing nothing but maybe an overcoat, ready to throw it off and pounce on top of my like an animal in heat). I never wanted to bring these silly desires out into the light because I knew they were ridiculous. Well I've been doing it. It hurts when she chuckles and says that it'll probably never happen (DAMN!) but I think the fruit of that has been more freedom and peace.

I feel like the pain from the love I felt I didn't get from my father is not what drives me to porn and masturbation (M) anymore. Now it's more like boredom or simple loneliness or maybe horniness. If I'm thriving in my work, then it's almost easy. I'm sure there is still more in the layered process of forgiviness of my Dad, but it doesn't seem like it's a big deal right now. At first it was all about sex, then it was all about my dad. Now it's changed again. I'm not sure exactly what it's changed to, but it's different again. It's less. I can contemplate her not wanting to make love tonight (or right now or whatever) and not feel gutted and "it's not fair". I can roll over and go to sleep without feeling outraged and enraged. I can get up the next morning without being obsessed and usually go through the day quite normally too. I gotta work on the eating and comfort and control of junk food, but that's another story.

Dark & Light

I'm struggling today. I think I'm having a hard time getting motivated to really immerse myself in anything at work, and instead I keep viewing unhelpful short video clips.

I've came very close to M'ing in the last few days. I don't think it's a very strong deterrent, but the idea that my counter would be reset has helped so far (14 days doesn't express all the days I've been strong over the last few years, so I definitely don't want it to be reset again!).

I've started rereading my oldest posts here, hoping it will strengthen me to see how far I've come. I sure wish Russ would put out a new episode of ASI or the guys in Colorado would do a new show at BlazingGrace (see links on upper left side of this site). I've been seeing a mature christian for several years who gives me support, but there's nothing quite like hearing folks who've struggled with the same thing as you talk about the struggle and the wins.

We had a wonderful evening of lovemaking a few nights ago. So many of the superflous things that I fantasized or obsessed about happened all in that one night. It made my week and has been replaying in my memory since. One shadow thought that keeps echoing around my head afterwards is "Do you now feel loved?" and stuff like "So you knew you were loved before, right?" I have thought a little how its not quite making me feel good for as long as Id like.

Weird how different visual sexual images are in real life compared to porn and one-on-one situations. The most natural and best thing to do with your eyes in the most intense and majority of other times during lovemaking is to make eye contact with your lover. I want to look at my favourite parts of her, especially if she's wearing something that accentuates. But I'm aware that I'm kinda going off on my own to look at her and leaving her (and her eyes) behind. She doesn't mind, but it doesn't really further the real intimacy. I find myself drinking in her beauty and sexiness, then leaving it to return to her.

I've still got another window opened with a sexy movie clip. Okay, I've now closed it. I gotta remind myself that although it's enjoyable, it also gets me very turned on. That's both enjoyable and frustrating and unhelpful. It makes me want to go M. At best it can make me want to be demanding with her when we're together next. It's not right to get turned on from something else then want to cash in on it, with no regard for her wants and desires (like wanting to go to sleep, like desiring to not be sexual for a change). Plus seeing this dis-embodied sexual imagery kinda reinforces my desire for the visual stuff that I talked about in the last paragraph.

God, thanks for all the progress, but please help me yet again!

Rage and Restraint

I'm enraged right now. I shouted at the kids because of my anger more than their petty crime. I was fine until my bride asked me (along with the kids) "what do you want to do this afternoon". It took a split second for me to know my real answer, but I cleverly disguised it, hoping to still get my point across. "Kissing and hugging your Mom is what I wanna do, Boys". Her vote was to do some ironing.

I got the kids started on the computer, helped them out when they got stuck and played cars with the youngest one when he had enough. I was doing everything right. But the thought that I coudn't have what I wanted stayed with me. She noticed I wasn't quite right. It seemed pointless to admit all this, so I tried something different. I said maybe sometimes my mood just dips and the things that are going on don't really have anything to do with it. Nice theory, but I knew it wasn't true. She bought it and we moved on. I wasn't particularly fun at the evening meal. I remembered the book "Say Goodbye to Stubborn Sin" (see sidebar for link for more info.) saying about how our flesh cries out quickly and makes loads of excuses while the still small voice of the Spirit says little but carries a lot of wisdom. As everyone was deciding which dessert to chose, I knew that being pissed off was a time when I'd revel in some chocolate. So I decided to listen to that still small voice who said that it wouldn't satisfy and that I'd like to loose some weight, so why not make a wise decision right here and now rather than go for the comfort snack. I am feeling particularly angry and down, so comfort is more appealing than usual. But I made the right decision. I don't think she understood what all was going on though.

So I created that atmosphere and reduced one of my kids to tears during the bedtime routine. They triggered my anger, but they didn't really cause it and didn't really deserve it. That's the atmosphere I really wanted my own family to not carry on like a twisted tradition.

But I'm watching the days slowly count by. I'm loved even though I'm not in a state of sexual bliss. I'm not alone even though she chose ironing over affection with me. I can recognize these harmful mental processes and that means I can stop myself falling into these black holes of lies.

Steps forward, even with Stumbling

Okay, a few things to say. I can tell I'm winning in this thing. Times that I don't get sex I'm not very angry at all. The next morning I'm not seething, sometimes not angry at all. I'm not obsessing about it all the time the next day either. The idea of not having sex every day doesn't seem preposterous anymore. I can joke about stuff and see our sexlife from a much more "normal" perspective than ever since this battle really started.

I was thinking about stuff that helps. People might come here looking for clues to what works. Well it doesn't help to be isolated. All the crazy ideas that bounce around your head just get worse. You really do need someone to talk to. You really do need to just be around couples and see real relationships. I didn't have to talk about sex at all, but just being around another couple like us, with children... Somehow it helped me to see our lives compared to theirs (and be thankful even!) rather than our lives compared to some sexual fantasy from a montogue of porn movies (which leaves me feeling robbed and always wanting more).

I put a little java counter in the upper right corner of this site so I can be "accountable" about my last stumble into the big M. Weird how I know I'm getting better all the time. I know the battle is getting easier and I'm seeing myself more realistically, adjusting my expectations, not feeling the same strong pull toward "acting out" to feel better so much.

Still, sometimes I get an unusual opportunity or something and I just give in. Last time is recorded here and I hope the count keeps climbing and climbing.

Buy Orgasms, but count the cost

Sex is not like a soft drink or a gumball. You may browse the choices before putting in your money--confident that you'll get what you want--with a product.

Too much counterfeit loving will trick you into expecting to get it on demand, when you need a lift, want a buzz.

Keep getting it on your own terms and you'll feel deeply wronged when you want it but she doesn't or can't.

It's like Karma, or sowing and reaping. Make a strong enough habit out of one-sided sex on selfish terms, and you'll struggle with being flexible and understanding about your real partner.

She doesn't look perfect. She may not flirt and tease the way the montague of porn girls do. Your real woman's body won't be as perfect as those dozens that you prefer from the hundreds. If you're fortunate enough to have a real woman, she won't fulfill your wildest fantasies without you even having to go through the shame of speaking them.

But, she's yours. If you're lucky (like me) she'll stick by you in the tough times. She loves the whole you. She's three dimensional, not just a moving image on the screen or a glossy photo in a magazine. Yeah, her body changes over the years (like yours!) but with ever year comes deeper knowledge and trust--true intimacy. It's these things that makes real mind-blowing lovemaking. Too bad it doesn't happen as often as porn leads you to believe--but it's better.

Better in every good and real way.

Praying in Anger

On my way home last night I was livid. I knew it was too late to have much a chance for sex. (Even less a chance for love-making). I glanced at a few girls dressed for the heatwave which is raging in more ways than one. I thought, "There's no where I can go!" I can't go home to feel better. I can't masturbate (it won't help), we're both too tired for lovemaking, and there's no where I can go to get it. I've just gotta accept it and get used to it. Be Here Now--that saying is for the good times and the painful ones.

So I sorta poured these venomous feelings at God. It wasn't a humble or polite prayer. It wasn't thankful or at all religious.

I got home and when the moment of truth arrived (because I always hold out some hope, silly me!) I had predicted correctly that we were too tired to make love. But her body language was telling me that she'd let me "have sex with her". I don't know what I was thinking and feeling, but I just turned over to go to sleep instead. I actually decided to abstain from an orgasm! That's happened a handful of times, but it's still very significant for me.

I'd like to be able to say that I rolled over and immediately went to sleep. What I had just done sent lots of thoughts and feelings pulsing and rushing through me. Even though I was as exhausted as I'd been for a long time, I found myself wide awake again. It took me a while to get to sleep, but at least I didn't go downstairs for a fix of comforting food or sense-numbing TV or even worse... porn and sexual relief.

In the night I dreamed that I ate a blueberry muffin which was contaminated in some odd way. As a result I had these tiny white worms inside my body. I remember trying to pull one loose from my anus, but it was attached to tightly and it was too slippery. freaky-yucky.

Chemicals of Love

see Happiness Hypothesis