Two nights ago I wasn't expecting sex (I had a pretty good run beforehand, so I was phsyched up for not getting any). But I did.Then last night I didn't get any, but it threw me as I was hoping for some.
Now it's Saturday & I heard a guy on a podcast wragging about people who aren't doing anything with their lives. He's in his late twenties, but it struck a chord. Am I like my Dad with the only thing I want out of life is "WHAT I CAN GET" from my family? How can I change it so I'm looking at what I can give? How can I get my kids to see that what's worthwhile in life comes from giving not getting. And, damn, I'd like an orgasm right about now.
I don't have a woman who will strip or tease or flirt with me seductively.
"Anger is generally the result of frustration and feelings of inadequacy when the attainment of a goal is blocked"
Though they may not be aware of it, sarcasm is their means of indirectly expressing aggression toward others and insecurity about themselves. Wrapping their thoughts in a joke shields them from the vulnerability that comes with directly putting one's opinions out there. "Sarcastic people protect themselves by only letting the world see a superficial part of who they are," says Steven Stosny, a Washington, D.C.-based therapist and anger specialist. "They're very into impression management."
according to 
I want a hole. I've given up on using my fist.
I have somethings inside me, like an idea, but it's stronger. It's either true or a damn lie. It's not under my skin, oh no. There's a sense of it in my muscles, but it goes further. It's in my bones. What's echoing in my marrow? It's simple:
Great sermon 
Had a thought that I might be able to think through a better way to approach the idea of having a "day of love together". I was happy with that thought.
Okay, the two weeks are done. We had a respite from this emotional separation when the cold and sniffing and coughing didn't dominate. But now her period has started. Last night she asked me what I wanted to do on my last day off. I was immediately agitated feeling that I shouldn't want what I want and better not admit it. I'm still pissed that we didn't once go to bed during the day. She stayed in bed one morning and that was nice though. 
I built up very high expectation for a day together. I woke up cross because I could see already that she wasn't shutting out the world. No escape for me that day. We did enjoy some time together, but it seemed far too little.
The other night I was cross and resenting her for not "doing it". Nothing new here, but what was notable is that I was brave and took a chance by being more honest with how I was feeling. I am usually afraid of saying the wrong thing and missing a chance to get what I'm desperate for (sex). This time I went ahead and said what I was thinking. The manipulative thoughts in my head were saying I'd miss out, but I did it anyway.
Feeling pretty bad right now, a bit low, a bit angry (but in my right head, mostly).
Did some Christmas shoppping today. Spent half the time on the phone and the other half listening to a podcast. The girls in the short skirts caught my eye. Then I was in a store and I found myself browsing the skirts (longer ones), while knowing that I can't buy something to get her in the mood. Sex isn't a commodity.
What a change a day makes!
So I'm approaching 3 months "clean". Again.... It's been loads easier, easier than ever before. 
For me Army Basic Training is a blur of mostly bad memories: frustration, fear, sleepiness & loneliness. It was my first time away from home and my family. I was eighteen. But amidst all the trauma, I can remember getting into the back of that truck with 1/2 a dozen others very clearly. We had been through the grenade qualification training, but failed. The drill sergeant commented on this to the driver, "These losers flunked the training grenades. Everybody else in the battalion passed, but we gotta make a special trip back to the range for them. I think they'll flunk again. They look like ReCycles to me."
How long will I keep this up? She was pretty tired the night before last. I'd had a "good run" of nights of lovin'. So I said goodnight and rolled over. 
actually, another Basic Training Army dream:
... tonight in our church small group meeting:
Write a few sentences about your relationship with Sex growing up. What did I learn good, bad? What did I bring about my relationship with Sex from childhood into adulthood?
So there have been nights when I turned over only somewhat peeved and annoyed (and of course there have been plenty of nights--more, even--when she's graciously given to me such that I turned over satisfied and relaxed).
Slept shitty and am gonna try to not be distant and pissed at her. I could hold a grudge and say, "screw it, I don't need sex tonight or tomorrow either!" But that won't prove or help anything. We're having a night in together, so I want to be good and stuff while not insisting on anything.
If you answer with 5 or more yeses, then get help:
She wishes that there was something else besides sex that really made me smile, that I got a lot of enjoyment out of. She's absolutely right, I can't think if anything else. I'd prefer to make it so I can get more enjoyment from sex, thus getting the satisfaction and enjoyment. I should lower my expectation toward sex and start appreciating other things in life. I'd rather get more from sex really. I wanna keep my screwed up ways. I stubbornly want my sickness to work. But that's not gonna happen. What do I want for a special birthday? A day of sex, of course! Okay, but what else?... Ummm.. She'd like to go on a walk out in nature. (I'm just wondering if that'll help to get her in the right place to enjoy sex more--quality time, etc.).
I had a new thought the other day. What if I calld my Dad to talk about what I'm going through? Not from the perspective of his involvement/blame/fault. Just for someone to listen. I imagine he's too busy or not interested, but maybe he would be if I'd ask. I imagine him trying to give some advice, getting me to see the bright side and maybe even an encouragement for hanging in there.
What "need" is okay? I seem to find myself feeling a deficit if she hasn't wanted to make love to me for a week or so (regardless whether we've gone through the motions or not). It's like I have this expectation for good sex to fill a need to be intimate, to connect, to be needed and wanted and desired. Is that okay? Is it uhealthy and asking for too much or the wrong thing from her and our lovin'? I know it's okay to have needs and sex and affection is there to meet some needs. But which ones?
I'm aware that I seem to be waking up and finding myself angry sometimes (even if we've DONE IT the night before). And sometimes I wake up and am not angry (even if we've NOT DONE IT the night before). So this is good if anger is detaching itself from sex and orgasms. An orgasm doesn't guarantee I won't be angry. Very refreshing if not having an orgasm doesn't guarantee that I WILL be pissed off too.
I'm thinking of getting in touch with a counselor. He's in the States, but I know he works over the phone. I understand that the healing is my responsibility, and I need to have goals of what I want to get out of the endeavour, but I think this guy will be more directive than the last.
I had the first experience which I recognized to be as satisying as sex this weekend. It was a conversation with my son. He was feeling bad about himself and frustrated. I think I saw what might be going on and tried to encourage him to not give up and try to view things with some hope. I'm not sure how much he believed what I said, but I believe it was significant and right. I felt useful and satisfied having made a difference.
Last night was another first. Staying here in France, with their sexy terrestrial TV, I’d turned it off to go to sleep. But after about thirty minutes of lying there, I reached over to the remote and turned the TV on again.