Monday 19th May

So last night I tried to get her to help me let go of some of the bits that I'm struggling with, but she was unusually firm. She wouldn't get rid of any of her clothes as part of a symbolic act where I'd give up and let go of my obsession with wanting her to wear sexy clothes. She said I needed to do the work and she didn't want to get rid of any of her clothes!

Was I being manipulative? Was I trying to say, "wear these sexy clothes for ME, or just get rid of them!"

I am grateful that we have such open communication, but I can't communicate about my wants and needs because the anger that surrounds them all are drowning out everthing else.

Even as I think about writing this entry, my mind wanders toward the images of skirts I could include in this post, but that's not helpful for my purposes.

I woke up this morning dissapointed and unsatisfied for the disconnected orgasm I'd had before falling asleep. I thought the best thing I could do with this day would be to go to sleep early (she's got one of her social nights out tonight).

But I got a call from a friend who's struggling, so hel'll be coming over. Praying together has got to help.

Sunday, 18th May 08

I am feeling pissed off that so many things that I want are asking too much, or just not her.

Wearing a skirt is something I can remind her about, try to not be angry when I make a suggestion.... But I think it's just not her. Clothes that say sexiness in bed is worse yet. How many times have I watched her getting ready for bed, it seems so obvious that I'd really like her to slightly change her routine. But 19 times out of 20 she goes through the same motions. I want her to wear something slightly attractive to bed, but I don't want her to do it out of some forced awkward duty.
That's usually the best I get though.




So, as I've written here so many times... I need to just let it go and forget all about it. Give it to God, as they say. Yield. Sounds so simple but it's not.

Sometimes I see her doing all her chores and I feel two opposing things simlutaneously. On one hand I'd like her to sexually gratify me in place of this chore she's making time and expending energy for. I feel low on her list of priorities. She's make time and carve out whatever it takes to get a load of washing done. But she won't do anything about my load of semen! (Ha!). On the other hand I don't want our sexlife to be just another chore and I know it should be raised above the mundane jobs and tasks. I don't want her to "just" go through the motions, but on the other hand I DO want her to do exactly that. Disconnected sex so many thousand times has made me crave disconnected sex. But it doesn't satisfy and it doesn't make one feel valued--which is wha t I really need.

Wed 16th April

less than an hour after my last posting, she came and propositioned me. I was still sitting there at the comuter after typing in my "woes", 15 minutes later I was happy as a pig in sh*t and all my problems seemed to never have existed.

Last night she didn't want to. I wasn't really surprised or too upset. Minutes before the "fatal" words were spoken I was almost asleep, fighting to stay awake. Ping-ponging back and forth whether to give up and suggest we go to sleep and not try any sex. I knew thats what she'd want, but it was still difficult to suggest it. Then she said those damn words. I rolled over. Got really angry. Found myself wide-awake from the near rage.

As I was laying there hoping I wouldn't soon hear her snoring, I had a new thought. If she would offer sexual relief, I'd turn it down. I just wanted to be "IN CONTROL". I wanted that more than the sexual relief itself. Hmmmm