Menatalist

Tiredness is one of the things we need to be careful if addiction is a challenge.  The acroynm is HALT for hungry angry lonely tired.

Tiredness last night added to my impatience.  Tiredness exaggerated and amplified the lies in my head that are always there but usually not as loud.  Wanting more creativity from sex, frustration at the routine and predictability of it.  Resenting her for the usual human imperfections was back with a bit of a vengeance.

We lie in bed and my thoughts are dominated by one thing:  sex.  I know I want an orgasm and I'm selfish enough, horny enough, tired enough, that it's decided I'm gonna get that if possible.  But I don't want to feel selfish and guilty and I (selfishly) really enjoy it when she enjoys sex.  Her being turned on is a great thrill, as well as a relief from this being only a guilty pleasure.   I think the ideal way to do foreplay is me wooing her but when I'm resentful (resenting being tired, resenting that this sex isn't ideal, resenting my own crap) I hold back a bit, sorta going through the motions. I'm letting her know I want

But I've been drawn to the mystical side of spirituality and am gonna ponder these things with a perspective of grace and acceptance and gentleness--right now.