Fill er up

I'm feeling like my meter is showing red. It's been a long time (few weeks?) since we've really connected in mutually fulfilling lovemaking-/and the spiritual connection that brings that intimacy.

I am all too aware of a lot of times when she's not wanted to make love recently. I feel cheated. I feel appalled and like confronting her as if not wanting it is some sin or crime.

I can think about it and see that its heavy & not endearing for me to be demanding.

I'd like to be able to let go of my demanding neediness, my attitude of appalled entitlement--which must just make her feel used and taken for granted.

But every time I am in a room with her I just feel angry and I seem myself pulling away.  I want to let her know I'm not happy--as if I can manipulate her to being loving by me being unloving.

The usual question is, how to clear the air?  Do I let out the rubbish that's in me, which might be unfair and off-putting for her to hear?  In my head I know I can "cast my cares on Him, 'cause He cares for me" but being honest, I just can't manage that.  I talk to Him, I pray, I cry, I scream, I sing.  But when I'm back in the room with her it's all still there.

The usual pattern is that I carry around an atmosphere and a divide between us gets bigger.  Then we talk and I say, in one form or another, that I'm missing being close to her (and struggling from the times we didn't have sex recently).  She will get annoyed or cross that I'm being demanding and that enough is never enough.  She might instead just be understanding and giving.  Either way we--at least--have sex--and the tension is eased.  Or we might talk and reconnect properly, let things go, appreciate each other, and make love--which also resets the counter and puts my meter back in the green.  Until next time.

God, help me get rid of this lie that I need sex, that it's my right, that I can't be OK without it.  I want to show up free and not demanding. I want to be thoughtful of her not self-absorbed.  It's true that I will not die without an orgasm. It's true that the problem is not in my penis.  Nothing magical happens when I am stimulated (even if endorphins are pulsing through my brain which make it seem like everything is good in the universe).  It might reset a counter, but that's not the healthy rhythm I'm looking for as my final goal.  There's nothing physically necessary about expunging the ejaculate from my scrotum (even if it makes me feel so relaxed and even loved and accepted).  Besides, sometimes I have an orgasm and don't have those heavenly experiences.  Sex isn't synonymous with nirvana or whole completeness.

There are other ways to fill my tank.  They don't give as quick or visceral a reaction, but if I do something creative it will keep my tank from getting to low.  As does giving, helping,  making something with my hands (sawing, nailing, drawing, getting my ideas out in the world, sharing insights, encouraging breakthrough, etc.).