180 degrees

I started journaling in a time when I felt so far away from God that I started wondering if He was available for me to find at all. My experience of my Father being absent or distant tainted my view of God until I feared He was the same.

It's been a long dark time. I've seen a measure of improvement, like a rock climber slowly painfully yanking himself up a sheer cliff wall, one inch at a time.

That picture is great as it shows me doing it myself and it doesn't show God anywhere.

I keyed off other sufferers of addiction, looking for fellowship and answers, but also picking up on their frustration with the Bible and ineffectiveness of the Church. To be fair, all the people who I believed had found healing attributed it identically: Jesus. Not a method, not a concept, not an idea. A revelation and change of heart.

That rings true still.

But how to get there?

That was my search.

Was this destined to be my path to healing? I often wonder if I could get there quicker, if I'm my own worst enemy stubbornly holding on to my demons, avoiding seeking God?

I think I'm out of touch with what pain feels like. I can't measure it or comment on it. Was I in too much pain? Was it too much for me to approach God? Seems like not, but then I'd blame myself. I think I did try to seek Him, sometimes in some ways.

Thing is that a major change has come, I've found Him again. I asked Him to show me that He's near and He has. It's not been a tangible Hallelujah moment, it's been much more naturally supernatural. Thing is that it's real. I am enjoying knowing He's here. I have hope in hearing Him and finding Him and enjoying Him again. It's not as much as I hunger and thirst for (makes sense). I even find myself being selfish and avoiding Him or the discipline or work of seeking Him--even right now when I've got such a recent and good experience!

So a lot of this has come about as I've embraced some very "black and white" charismatic Christians ministry and, despite my out of control cynicism, God has allowed me to receive some freedom. How did it happen? Some people were praying and have been praying. Some other people (not perfect, just people who trust Jesus) have preached the Truth, given me

a chance to pray and respond to God, then given me a chance to pray while someone stood with me in agreement. It sounds so simple and sometimes it was cheesy. But all I can say is God used that to clear out my cobwebs and see Him and enjoy Him. I didn't pray about my addiction specifically as I knew I needed more time and wanted to do this one-to-one rather than in a large group. The ministry I had was called, "Cleansing Stream" from an American pastor and author who I deeply respect, Jack Hayford. Next is a very similar but one-to-one process called, "Restoring the Foundation". (Even watching the promotional video brought up more cynicism in me. But by the time it was over I was welling up with tears and I'd changed my mind--again).

So my advice is to TRY praying. Try talking to Him. Try listening to Him! Find someone loving who can pray for you. Maybe DO listen to that person who is suggesting you memorize some verses from the Bible! Just because it hasn't worked or has set off legalistic alarms in the past doesn't mean it can't actually be His way of helping you and healing you!

God is so Good!