January 2009 Update

So I'm finding it hard to get motivated at work. Is it jus Monday-ite-is? I feel like retreating and hiding and escaping away somewhere far far away from this drudgery.

Is this the kind of thing that I was retreating away from when a teenager? Was it the usual challenges of working and competing that I ran from with masturbation and porn?

Oh, by the way, speaking of orgasms... She was tired last night, but willing. I was reading that, and decided to "let her off the hook". Miraculous for me to turn down an orgasm. I've been very well looked after recently, but the fact that her period is coming any day now, means I was saying no to an orgasm while expecting a dry spell just 'round the corner as well. I don't find myself able to get as turned-on when from oral sex when she's on her period. I know all to well that she's not feeling sexual. I can't keep any fantasy going (that she's loving loving me, etc.). Major improvement that I'm only writing about this after I've written about work. Sex isn't everything, I guess. And world record count since last M!

So, let's write (talk) through some of these feelings. I'm torn by a few of somehow protect myself from being "tricked" into doing the wrong work, to much work. On the other hand, I know that my value as an employee is based on my productivity. Maybe that's what I'm doing, rebelling against just being valued for what I do, rather than who I am. Or maybe I'm reconsidering my motivations as to why I work anyway. All my life I've been one of the hardest workers, but now I see the reason has been for praise and acceptance and hopes of pats on the back to fill what has been un-fullfilled by my father.

It's another form of self-destruction (or crying out for help). I knew that porn would ultimately destroy my financially, professionally and familially. In the same way, I know I need to get my butt in grear and embrase work again!

Breakthrough

I'm enjoying something that I think is very significant. I don't usually use this kind of jargon, but I'll just use whatever words describe it best: freedom. I'm finding my attitude towards others much less judgemental. It's much easier to live life without the weight of others imperfections pressing down on me, like an expectation that always sits on your shoulder like one of those cartoon "devils", nagging and accusing and blaming and comparing.

Yesterday I was at a funeral and this older fellow came into the ceremony wearing a track-suit! I thought, that's not right, that's not respectful. He's definitely crossed the line. But, who's he offending? The dearly deceased? No, she wouldn't mind at all. The nearest and dearest loved-ones? I doubt it really. So it's really not someone else who I'd be representing if I was offended. It'd be just plain old me. Someone who's experienced grace and acceptance and forgiveness. I'm enjoying the freedom of not being judged..... maybe that's why I'm not judging others (so much).

Record!

previous hi score: 8 months or 247 days

248 days 9 hours since last M

This is great!

Not the Cause

So, another thing to look forward to, if you're hanging on by your fingernails....

Twice during this holiday season I've felt a sadness and heaviness descend on me. But somehow, this time I could think clearly and I knew to not assume it's connected to my addiction. Yes, I thought of sex and how I'd like it as an escape and release. But I didn't automatically assume it was triggered by anything to do with sex (like seeing the lingerie in a store, seeing a girl in a skirt, etc.)

So, the sadness still comes, but I don't automatically attribute it to my "loss".

This is a good posting, about an improvement, even though I'm talking about feeling down.

By the way, it didn't trash my whole day, night. It didn't prevent me from enjoying intimacy or end up with me in a rubbish mood or angry.

temptation

I'm gonna make a confession here. I'd be better to tell a Godly bloke, but I'll write about it here for now.

I love my wife, she's beautiful & alluring. I don't know anything about your partner, but mine is the best!

Still, I've been noticing a girl at work. She's got the sweetest smiile and friendliest demeanour about her. I think being honest about this is a healthier process than just ignoring it or pretending it's not true.

What is it about her that captures my imagination? There's a fantasy here that reminds me of the fantasy of eros that started when I was in puberty.

Someone who's bubbly and positive. Someone whose enthusiasm and optimism can carry and lift me! Oh, I'd like to loose myself in her.

See your true condition

... our ability to see correctly is another key to being freed from deception. Often when we are offended we see ourselves as victims and blame those who have hurt us. We justify our bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, envy and resentment as they surface.

.."Anoint your eyes with eye salve, that you may see" (Rev 3:18). See what? Your true condition!

3 Reasons for Sex

and women's comments about their husbands and sex:

My husband wants to look at my body, but what I really want him to see is me. Behind these big breasts is a heart yearning for a spiritual connection.”

“I don’t care about intercourse. I care about intimacy. If I had to choose between a roll in the sheets or a stroll in the park, I’d pick the park every time.”

“I don’t want an all-night sexual marathon, just one hour of his attention and affection.”

Burying in the Sand

So, I'm finding a few themes appearing. I drew a connection between me being afraid of things going wrong with things under my care at work alongside how I used to panic or severely fear the pressure of performing and being unpopular if I made a mistake in sports.

Trying to help the official in my kids sports game, I screwed up and really was very uptight when another parent "had a go" at me.

I woke up this morning worrying and imagining "what if my system at work crashes and I can't rebuild it?!!!!"

I want the acolades and respect that goes with responsibility, but I'm fearful of the actual responsibility, or at least afraid of being blamed if things went wrong. This is connected to perfectionism. I need to pray & think more about this.

Anger: the other side of Love

This book helps me to get think objectively about my anger. A bit near the beginning where you're supposed to say to yourself "I'm angry!" I'm angry at _______ because of ________. Even that first step helps me to get some perspective (and there's loads more afterward).




Con's:

The author doesn't seem to have his own experience of overcoming anger--he's a counselor/Bible teacher

A bit old-fashioned perspective, step by step seems a bit forced or too formulaic.

Pro's:

Good to be reminded about this stuff from Biblical perspective, Anger isn't wrong, perfection isn't the goal

He understands and mentions links to childhood, suppressing "squashing" anger

Hurray Obama! (and my frustrated rant)

The Bible tells me to not hold grudges, not keep a record of wrongs. I think I'm doing worse than that, I'm keeping records of times I haven't got what I wanted! Calling myself silly or stupid doesn't help.

Last week or two seems like my old idiom, "Nobody Does It Daily" has been true for me. Would you give me any sympathy if I complainted to you that I've only had sex an average of once for every 48 hours? If you've been in a relationship for more than 3 years, probably you'd love to have these kinds of statistics! If you have children, you'd probably shoot your drink out of your nose in amazement if you were told this was even possible!

But here I am, married for many years, with young-ish children, still simmering and grumbling because she said no to sex with me again! I know none of my friends are as fortunate as me, but I'm getting less orgasms and sexy stiumulus than I did with my old life of porn and the shameful "M". So, just thinking as I type here, is it a good trade to have less shame, even with it costing me the sexual stimulation and mental and visual images?

Maybe not, but that's not the only difference. If I carried on down the path of selfishness and addiction, it would (and I'm not sensationalizing or exaggerating here) eventually cost me my job, my wife, my family). It's just inevitable.

So, the better question is... Is it better to feel you're being denied an orgasm every other day, or live with the fact that the most important things in your life are utimately going down the tubes while you feed this insatiable hunger for more, more, more?

Shame, Fear and Control strongholdSeptember

The absoluteness and formulaic way this reads makes me uncomfortable, but there's truth here to.. Deep and strong truth. Find it for yourself:
______________________

One of the important things God is saying to His Church, His children is the message of His Father’s love for us. It is a renewed call from God to come to Him in a new personal and intimate relationship.But we have repeatedly seen that a majority of Christians have a real problem with truly accepting that they can have an intimate relationship with Him.
We do not believe we really are “worthy” of this sort of love that Jesus has for us. Our identity, who we really are, is flawed. We really do not believe – I mean believe deep within us, at our core – that God really loves us.
We might believe at some level because we know it is Bible but that belief is not really at the core of who we are.
So, in this entry we are going to deal with one of the common issues that disguises and thwarts our ability to really believe who we truly are in Jesus. We are going to deal with the Shame – Fear – Control Stronghold.
God says we are not to be ignorant of the schemes of the devil. So we are going to expose one of his most ancient and effective strategies. You will not be the same. Not because we are such great ministers or have such great ministry skills but because Jesus wants you and us to be FREE!
We have been trained in a ministry method called Restoring the Foundations which is an integrated method of providing inner healing and deliverance. We will be using the four main ministry issues to deal with this S-F-C Stronghold.
Shame Fear Control..Comes out of the second commandment;
Exo 20:4-6 “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.
Definition of a curse:A Biblical curse is a penalty assigned by God for violating His commandments, statues, etc. A Curse is being “empowered to fail”, a Blessings is being “empowered to succeed.” (Ken Copeland)Curses are words spoken, with some form of spiritual authority (either good or evil), that set in motion something that will go on generation after generation. Behind the words is a spiritual power (God or satan). (Derek Prince)Where do curses come from? – God, Others and Self
GodDeut. 11:26-28 “See, I am setting before you today a blessing and a curse: the blessing, if you obey the commandments of the LORD your God, which I command you today, and the curse, if you do not obey the commandments of the LORD your God, but turn aside from the way that I am commanding you today, to go after other gods that you have not known.
OthersMatt. 27:25And all the people answered, “His blood be on us and on our children!”
SelfExample: “I cannot start the day without my first cup of coffee.”Phil. 4:13; Paul believes in “self-blessing,” not in “self-cursing.” “I can do all things…”
Good NewsGod has provided the way of freedom from all the effects of SOFC’s and our own sin. It is appropriated by faith. We break generational sins by faith that God’s promises are true, that Jesus has canceled our debt.
God’s SolutionLev. 26:40 God requires that we confess (acknowledge) our sin and the sins of our fathers, humble ourselves, and receive His remedy, i.e., His sacrifice.1 Jn. 1:9 If we confess our sins and turn from it (repent) and God will forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.Gal. 3:13 Christ redeemed us from the curse of the Law by becoming a curse for us.
Ungodly BeliefsBeliefs, decisions, attitudes, agreements, judgments, expectations, vows, and oaths that do not agree with God’s Word, His nature or His Character.Lies that have been formed in us since childhood about ourselves, others and God.Beliefs formed from hurts, traumas, negative experiences, and words people say to us.Beliefs formed from the facts (pain) or our experiences that are real.
Rom. 12:1-2I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.Facts vs. Truth
Soul Spirit HurtsDefinition• Hurts of the soul and / or spirit of man that are carried and experienced within a person.• SSH are invisible wounds.• They simmer, stifle, and sometimes shut a person down completely – unless dealt with.• They have a similar action in our soul / and or spirit as disease has to our body.
Some Facts• Begin in the family• Affect the entire person• Cause restricted emotional growth• Cause ongoing vulnerability• Cause anger/resentment toward God• Affect the entire family• Distort identity and purpose• Cause Shame• Cause hurts in other people
Biblical ReferencesLk. 4:18 Jesus: “…He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed,”Ps. 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Information• They enter through “open doors.” I.e., they have legal ground (Eph. 4:27; and give no opportunity to the devil.”)• They come down family lines.• They are invisible spiritual entities with minds, emotions and wills of their own, in league with, and under the control of satan. They are out to do his bidding and to torment the people of God (Derek Prince)• Their purpose is to prevent or hinder salvation for the unsaved, and maturity for the Christian.• They interject their thoughts into our thought stream, so that we will accept them as our own.• The lie to us and help us lie to ourselves and to others.• They do not play fair, they have no mercy.• They manifest by causing our behavior to be what their function is, i.e., anger, bitterness, etc.
Biblical ReferenceEx. 23:29-31; “But I will not drive them out in a single year, …little by little I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land. (God’s strategy for deliverance)1 Jn. 3:8; The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil.Mk. 16:17; And these signs will accompany those who believe: in my name they will cast out demons; …
This ministry is a first step toward a life-long process of becoming like Jesus.
Shame – Fear – Control
What are we talking about here? In the introduction I said that it is an ancient strategy of the enemy. Adam and Eve. Remember that after the snake got them to partake of the forbidden fruit God came into the garden for His evening walk with them.
Adams response to God’s inquiry as to why he was hiding. “I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” (Gen. 3:10). Earlier in Gen. 2 it said of Adam and Eve that they were naked but not ashamed. So here we see they are naked but now have shame and that led to fear and the fear led to a controlling action, “I hid myself”. I do not want to allow my flaw (the sin nature) to be exposed. We see in this very early encounter, Shame – Fear – Control working to separate man from God.
This is a grouping of several demonic strongholds that operate in a large percentage of believers that we and those who have taught us the RTF process have seen.
What is Shame? It is the awful sense of “being uniquely and hopelessly flawed.” It leaves a person feeling different and less valuable than other human beings.
Shame is self-oriented. It says, “there is something wrong with me.”
Definition: Webster 1828 Ed.
SHAME, n.
1. A painful sensation excited by a consciousness of guilt, or of having done something which injures reputation; or by of that which nature or modesty prompts us to conceal. Shame is particularly excited by the disclosure of actions which, in the view of men, are mean and degrading. Hence it is often or always manifested by a downcast look or by blushes, called confusion of face.
2. The cause or reason of shame; that which brings reproach, and degrades a person in the estimation of others. Thus an idol is called a shame.
3. Reproach; ignominy; derision; contempt.
Ye have born the shame of the heathen. Ezek 36.
4. The parts which modesty requires to be covered.
5. Dishonor; disgrace.
It is not guilt. Guilt is knowing we have done something wrong. It tells us we have made a mistake.
Guilt is action-oriented. It says, “I did something.”
Shame is a common problem for many of us, and I include myself, where we have accepted the lie that “this is who I am.” It strikes at our core identity. It is the worst kind of False Identity.
Why is it so bad? It is because we have entered into an agreement with the enemy as to who we are – we have agreed with the lie. Why is this bad? Matthew 18:19
AgreementMat 18:19 Again I say unto you, that if two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father who is in heaven.
God has created us as independent willed beings. He so much honors our will - our decisions – our agreements that He will honor them – even when they are with the enemy!
Is that scriptural? I can say with out a doubt – yes.
Joshua 9 gives us a story about the Gibeonites. The Gibeonites were part of the Ammorite peoples – one of the Cannanite tribes that God said to utterly destroy.You probably know the story. The Gibeonites were crafty and posed as coming from a great distance. The Israelites checked them out in a natural way. Looked at their worn cloths and stale bread but they did not inquire of the Lord.
Then when the lie was exposed and many wanted to kill them they could not do it because of their oath toward the Gibeonite people. Even though they were the “enemy” they were allowed to live.
What was the result? 2 Sam. 21: About 400 years later. David inquires of the Lord as to why there is a famine in the land. God answers that it is because Saul had killed the Gibeonites in his zeal to cleanse Israel. Saul violated the covenant with the Gibeonites and Israel paid the price after Saul was dead and gone! God takes agreements seriously.
And through the cross, by the shed blood of Jesus, we can break our covenants with the enemy.
So, every UGB we have is a covenant with the enemy but God had provided a way to break these unrighteous, lie-sourced covenants.
Shame is a deeper level lie. The lie “I am a shameful person” has strength to it. This sort of thing can resist the prayer of others – especially if that prayer is not focused to the identity issue.
This progression of interlocking oppression forms a stronghold.
Stonghold
A fortified place dominated by a particular group – fortress is a center for military might.
Pro 21:22 A wise man scales the city of the mighty and brings down the stronghold in which they trust.
For our purposes a stronghold is an intertwining of demonic forces, self-sins, UGB’s, and SSH’s that work toward keeping a person separated from God and from their God-given purpose.
A three fold cord is not easily broken.This stronghold wraps itself around our true identity often in such a way as we really do not know our true selves. And it is common to see a reaction to the exposure of these things to have a real fear. “I do not know who I am without this.”
But the real you has always been there and will emerge and grow as it is given room to do so.
As we deal with this in our lives the masking shrinks and our true identity emerges.
Roots of Shame
Some experiences that cause shame:
• Ongoing Rejection – especially from early life• Scape-Goat – Example M & GM always blaming them• Physical Abuse – especially• Neglect• Violence• Shame by association• Sexual Abuse• Failed dreams and vision• Physical deformity
Four lifestyle behaviors that are coping mechanisms
1) Angry (Argumentative)2) Condemnation & depression – cycle through low grade depression3) Apologetic4) Passivity
Characteristics
Striving and Driving (Perfectionism)
Religiosity – trying to convince the world you are Ok
Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “why am I doing this?”
A Shamed person tries to keep the truth from themselves
Shame based – you feel bad and that you are beyond God’s help.
Attitude – I am not going protect my shame & to be defensive – do not worry about itWe all have some Shame based behaviors. Ask the Lord to show you.• Then ask God to help with what is identified• God gives the power to break these things off your life• Get rid of the demons – then recognize the lies as they come

Infedility and Porn

In younger couples, the increasing availability of pornography on the Internet, which has been shown to affect sexual attitudes and perceptions of "normal" behavior, may be playing a role in rising infidelity.

Down today

So today I'm very down. It might have nothing to do with not "getting any" last night (I slept okay, [sarcasm] hurray!!! [/sarcasm] )


How does Lenny Kravits sing it, "I want to get away, I WANT TO GET AWAYYYY!!!"

I just want to escape, I want to climb into the fetal position and disappear. I know an O won't make my problems or feelings go away. I know there's nowhere to actually run or hide. I feel so drained and lethargic. Why? What is going through my head? I don't fit in. I'm not able to be me and enjoy my job anymore. That's not really completely true, but it seems like that's the way it is going. I just want to give up do something completely different for a job. At least I don't buy lottery tickets and so I don't have that stupid fantasy.

October Update

Feeling low tonight. Last night she wanted me and initiated it. But that was yesterday.

Today I had a meeting with my boss & came out feeling unappreciated. I don't feel he believes in me. It's just the way he is, he wants to debate when I want to contribute.

I feel like however much I do, it's not enough. I feel like he's keeping his cards close to his chest and so must I. I feel like I don't really want to work there.

Worst of all is that I feel that I have no future there as I have to choose between doing the work I like, or working there. The changes they made are fair enough, nothing personal, but I've been angry and resentful. I have found a way to fit in and contribute, but I don't think it will last).

parallels with my childhood:

lost a father figure

feeling rejected

feeling not wanted

feeling not appreciated

feeling life isn't fair

feeling angry and resentful that things haven't stayed the same.

not enjoying the person who has power over me not being an encouraging person.

I don't like the competition. I don't want to risk failing. I want to get away. I want to escape and build my shed instead of going to work.

Haven't really wanted to M, but I did get very close to eating some sugary junk-food tonight. Then I thought that 5 minutes later I'd regret it and the pleasure would be very short-lived, so I was strong and resisted. Well done, Self! and thanx G.

Self Parenting blog excerpt from “The Art of Changing” by Susan Peabody

When I was ready to change the first action I took was to select one single thing from the list of things that I want to change about myself. Then I made a commitment to overcome this problem. What I choose to change was to overcome my bad temper. I began breaking down this huge problem into manageable pieces. I chose one manifestation of my temper and decided to work on that first. What I chose was my habit of yelling at my son, I chose this because at a therapy session with my son, the therapist said to him, “If you could change one thing about your mother, what would it be?” My son replied, “I’d like her to stop yelling at me when she gets upset.” To begin trying to change this bad habit, I spent the next few weeks thinking a lot about yelling. I asked myself why I yelled. The answer was that I was frustrated when my son didn’t do what I asked him to do, and this was the only way I could get his attention. Then I asked myself what other choices I had. I came up with a plan that I called “calm persistence.” The day after committing to this plan, I screamed at my son. Afterward, I was overwhelmed with a sense of how easy it was to do something that I had told myself I wouldn’t do. However I didn’t give up. I keep trying, and after each failure I spent some time thinking about how the incident had gotten started and how it had escalated. A few weeks of great adventure of trying to change, I asked my son to do the dishes when he came home from school. I got home from work expecting a clean kitchen. When I saw the dirty dishes piled up everywhere, I turned red with anger. I was ready to pounce on my son. Fortunately he wasn’t home so I had some time to think about the commitment I had made to calm persistence. When my son came home, I began talking to him calmly. When he started getting defensive, and making excuses. I suddenly found myself yelling at him again. However, this time, instead of feeling as if I was in some kind of trance with no control over the situation, I found myself observing myself as I was yelling. I also felt, for the first time, that I had a choice. I knew I could stop if I wanted to. I used this new sense control to change my behaviour, I stopped yelling at my son in midscream and walked out of the room. Later, despite my small victory, I still felt as if I had failed to reach my goal and I started crying about it. The sobs continued for a while and afterward I felt as if a big weight has been lifted of my shoulders. Then I recognized that at least I was thinking about yelling at my son and during the act – not just afterward. I was making progress. The next time my son forgot to do the dishes, I talked calmly to him about it and insisted he do them before going out on turning on the television. He resisted and I persisted – but I did not yell. Afterward, I felt so good about myself for not yelling. This victory lifted my self-esteem and later become a motivation to continue fighting my urge to yell. From this point on, despite periodic relapses, I continued to have a sense of choice about my yelling rather than feeling powerless about it. After a year passed, the urge to yell at my son disappeared, and it seemed normal to handle things without loosing control. I still got angry, but I had gotten control over my behaviour and I felt better about myself. Most of all, in changing my behaviour I had improved my relationship with my son. We were close and he respected me more. Because he respected me more, he was more cooperative. Over the years, I have continued to change many things about myself – from hurtful behaviours to small vices. I give myself all the time I need to change, and I never give up. I do something even if it’s just thinking about the problem and keeping the goal of change firmly entrenched in my mind.

Healing the wounds of the past begins with changing how we look at it. – Identify the things that happened to you – Talk about them – Write about them – Feel your feelings fully – no matter what the are and how they are or how afraid of them you are – Accept what has happened to you – Accept what you did in reaction to what happened to you. – Forgive those who hurt you – Forgive yourself if you passed your anger on to others – Try to find something good that came out of the chaos – Move on. Live in the moment. – Once I broke through my denial and identified what had happened to me and what I had done to myself and others, I began talking about it. At some point, I also began writing about what had happened. However, I was still unable to feel very much at this point, so my writing was very analytical. This was my way of recognizing my pain but not feeling it. After some time, the dam burst and all my painful feelings would come and go, but every time I discovered something new, or I realized how much I have been wounded in the past. I faced my feelings and had a good cry. I cried a lot. Eventually, I moved on from my feelings and addressed the issue of acceptance. Acceptance was very important part of the healing process for me.

touchy-sensitive but better Autumn 2008 update

Things are good, things are better, but they're still the same in some ways.

I said goodnight and rolled over and went to sleep last night, was a little frustrated and tossed for 5 or 10 minutes or so, but slept fine and was almost "myself" when I woke up in the morning.

I had an idea for a guideline of hoping/trying to not expect/want/initiate lovemaking EVERY OTHER NIGHT ("no one does it daily", as the tagline goes).

Good news is I've not wanted to "M" much at all, regardless of the circumstances. I can see by my buisiness trips away that it's not that big a deal to go without for a few days.

I also see I've been kinda ANGRY about all sorts of silly little annoying things in life. I only recognize it now because I'm usulally not so angry now anymore.

A recurring thought I keep having is, "Why Can't I Have ______ ". Even if it's just an idea for the way I want to organize something in the home, I feel really hurt and appauled that I can't "HAVE MY OWN WAY". Logically, I can see that there's a more sensible or practical way. I can see that it's more work and doesn't make sense. But I feel wronged and like I should be able to have this one little thing. Selfish, childish (self-parenting, again). Maybe as I reel against the injustice of not being able to control the whens and how-manys of my orgasms, I am particularly touchy and sensitive about other things that I want.

Exposing the Fantasy of Prostutution

it's not sexy, really

another sex addiction website

Pornography used in conjunction with addictive masturbation gives the sexually addicted person the illusion that fantasy can be more satisfying than a real relationship. In the most extreme cases, the sexually addicted person prefers sex through pornography addiction instead of loving sex with a real person. Even in these situations, the addiction can be overcome and the relationship can be saved, if the addiction is approached correctly.

Affairs

"Pursuit of ‘‘ultra-happiness’

Ed Diener, a psychology professor at the University of Illinois-Urbana-Champaign, says people today pursue what he calls ’’ultra-happiness,‘‘ so they expect love to always be romantic and full of thrills.

Mira Kirshenbaum of Boston, author of a new book called ’’When Good People Have Affairs,‘‘ says perceived boredom in a marriage may well result in a spouse who strays.

’’They think their marriage is OK because they don’t fight a lot, but they are distant and bored,‘‘ she says. ’’Sex is routine. Conversation about meaningful things is like pulling teeth.‘‘

The space between

But Douglas Snyder, a psychologist at Texas A&M University-College Station, isn’t convinced that boredom is to blame. He says it’s a lack of closeness and passion. ’’People can become distant in their marriage and interpret that as boredom, but I think it’s a misnomer,‘‘ he says.

’What’s striking for men is that a lot of them were saying they weren’t having marital problems‘‘ before an affair, Allen says.

Though the experts say it’s natural to sometimes be physically attracted to someone else besides your spouse, they say the danger comes with acting on those feelings.
’’Partners have to work hard at protecting their marriage from boredom by being vigilant and attending to the marriage on a daily basis,‘‘ says Snyder, who celebrated his 34th wedding anniversary last month.

As if I Was Her

So, let's write a verison of recent happenings from what I think her perspective might be:

"Yesterday was a good day, and I got a chance to relax a bit after a particularly busy few days. I got lots of things done, satisfying doing this and that and this and that. He'd been wanting sex a lot in the last few weeks, and I've gone along with it. Sometimes it's been really nice, but I've enjoyed working in the garden, cycling to school, etc.

So last night, I was pretty tired by the time we got in bed. I'd put the kids to bed myself and I'd been out too many evenings in a row. He agreed to go straight to sleep, but then I knew he was cross. I really do care about him, but that doesn't mean I always want sex.

I could have given him an O, but that wouldn't have been the right thing to do, and it would have meant we'd be in this cycle of needing that even more the next time he couldn't sleep. I don't want our lovemaking to be a drug. I want him to be free. I'm praying that for him.

So I noticed he suggested we not have sex the next day either, I just hope it isn't too hard for him and that he's not got a grumpy attitude as a result. "