Insuppressable

This emotion is impossible to suppress. I was fine all day, but I get home early and I'm angry.

Angry that she's only got a little time before picking up the kids from school.

Angry that she's not interested in putting her chores on hold and being with me.

Angry that she doesn't want to f***!

Weird how powerful these emotions are. Let's just have a look at them. My arms are feeling kinda tingly. My jowls are kinda tense. I don't know whether my eyebrows are tensed or not. My shoulders definitely are.

Auuuuggggghhhhhh!

Jealousy

Had a thought that I might be able to think through a better way to approach the idea of having a "day of love together". I was happy with that thought.

Suprises don't work for her. She' fills her time with everything else but me, I feel. (But there was a time I asked her to come to bed with me and she did).

Planning didn't work for our anniversary. Damn!!! Does that mean that'll never work again?

Will she ever surprise me? Will she ever plan or proposition me!!!!



I guess feeling like never really translates to "soon enough". These feelings will lessen. They won't always be this strong. I'm never ever ever giving up.

Blessings through Trials

I just changed the "slogan" from "No One Does It Daily" to "SEX IS A BLESSING, not a right!".

Seems the sleepless night last night is worth it if I get a clearer picture of the battle, a glimmer of understanding of the enemy, or revelation of how stuff really is.

I was thinking of how good I had it recently, made it through her period very well looked after.

So why did I go from "on-my-knees" sleepy..... to wide awake and livid.... All in the space of about five seconds? Because when I asked whether she wanted to go to sleep, she said yes. This was reasonable, she'd given out a lot today. It'd been a long day.

Still, here I laid (lay?) seething and thinking about how much of this is just physiological. Maybe there's no reason and no logic behind what I'm going through. I get more effin' pi**ed off that I was wide awake than I was that I wouldn't get an orgasm. Only a few minutes ago, I'd lied in bed talking to her for almost fifteen minutes, tired and ashamed when I thought that if she wasn't gonna want to "do it", then I'd rather skip all the talking and go to sleep. Now I knew the answer, and I didn't know what to do to move on.

Should I talk it all through with her (asking her to give-out a even more)?
I can't ask her for that orgasm, as she's already said she doesn't want sex.

I'm gonna ride this bullshit out. I'm not gonna let the stress and strain of ANY number of sleepless nights stop me from fighting to get through this crap.

Last Day of Vacation

Okay, the two weeks are done. We had a respite from this emotional separation when the cold and sniffing and coughing didn't dominate. But now her period has started. Last night she asked me what I wanted to do on my last day off. I was immediately agitated feeling that I shouldn't want what I want and better not admit it. I'm still pissed that we didn't once go to bed during the day. She stayed in bed one morning and that was nice though.


So you don't get good sex just because it's New Years Eve, or Christmas or your anniversary. You have to have the right attitude, work at the relationship, and hope that all the stars are lined up correctly (something that you can't predict or control). Periods, colds, visitors, phone calls....



So I can hope for things, but that doesn't mean I can have them. It's not wrong to want intimacy and sex, but I need to move on when I don't get them. At the wedding this week I was reminded that I've promised to love her in sickness and health. So her cold is sickness and I've struggled loving her while it took away our intimacy. Damn. I feel like a spolied kid wanting my Christmas present, but finding myself in a grown-ups body and seeing that Christmas isn't for me anymore.

1 week down, 1 to go

Been off work a week for the Holidays. I've been pissed off as she's been coughing and cold-filled. I've not been particularly empathetic towards her. But everytime I hear her sniff or snort or hack, I'm reminded how she's not gonna want to be affectionate. We've gone though the motions most every night. But because it's an emptiness in me that's the real problem, of course I've still not been happy.

So, all I've wanted for Christmas is to go to bed in the middle of the day with her once or twice. If things keep going like this, it ain't gonna happen. I'm so damned picky, when I think of something that I want, I want it--and exactly! It doesn't make any sense to be angry at her--she doesn't want to be sick either. She probably thinks it's more unconfortable for her since she's the one with the cold. But I am pissed off, and I am credulous that she's not seemed to want to come near me for this entire week. It makes me pretty damned annoyed to think of her like this for another week. Damned. I have thought about being thankful for what I have. But failing writing these illogical thoughts and feelings down here, I don't know what to do about it.

Anniversary

I built up very high expectation for a day together. I woke up cross because I could see already that she wasn't shutting out the world. No escape for me that day. We did enjoy some time together, but it seemed far too little.
Merry Christmas and may you Enjoy reality and freedom and wholeness in 2008!

Honesty as a Policy

The other night I was cross and resenting her for not "doing it". Nothing new here, but what was notable is that I was brave and took a chance by being more honest with how I was feeling. I am usually afraid of saying the wrong thing and missing a chance to get what I'm desperate for (sex). This time I went ahead and said what I was thinking. The manipulative thoughts in my head were saying I'd miss out, but I did it anyway.

She was very glad for me to be honest. We managed to reconnect (and there was even sex too). That's what I struggle with, the want for sex and the want to do what's right (and avoid the guilt of being selfish).

If you're struggling, please take some comfort and strength from my experience that it does get easier. It really really does!

Persevere!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Feeling pretty bad right now, a bit low, a bit angry (but in my right head, mostly).

It's the fact that she & I had some time together alone, and I couldn't get it out of my head.. the thought of a quickie. A still small voice said something to me about "Can you work out a scenario that will be honouring to her?" And I can't. A quickie in the car, somewhere where we might be found out, it just doesn't right when looked at that way.

It's just that I can't have orgasms during the day very often. When there's a chance for us to be alone I find it hard to let go of the idea. Half (at least not all) of my thoughts during our nice lunch together was where could we go to screw (home wasn't any good as the builder was there all day).
Now she's hinted that there's be a chance at some point, but I know it'll either be completely disconnected and I'll feel very guilty, or she means around midnight when she gets home after a very long day. I want a chance to do it outside the usual time, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Happy Anniversary!

...to me. Today I've matched my record for the most days clean (recorded anyway). Last time it was @ Christmas holidays @ my parents' place (where they had cable TV) and one night I woke up and watched some soft porn and M'ed.


Anyway, today I'm aware that my hopes for my next day-off is dashed as she's got a sore throat. Didn't hurt really. Not ideal, not what I was planning, but it seems okay. Things are always getting better.. Still....


If you persevere and don't give up (even if you stumble, keep on keeping on) it will improve and you will find it easier and you will WIN!

Materialistic Sex

Did some Christmas shoppping today. Spent half the time on the phone and the other half listening to a podcast. The girls in the short skirts caught my eye. Then I was in a store and I found myself browsing the skirts (longer ones), while knowing that I can't buy something to get her in the mood. Sex isn't a commodity.

Christmas's materialism sux. I feel I'm wired and programmed to seek sexual gratification, especially this time of the year.

Score!

What a change a day makes!


She was honest expressing her frustration of me seeming demanding.


I felt crushed, and automatically took it to heart as "my fault" all along.

She admitted this is just how she feels and that both our attitudes could do with changing.


Next day we picked up at the same place once the kids were in bed.


Cleansing and theraputic to be more honest and more vulnerable. Not about sex, about fears and honesty and intense stress.
Now I'm flying high!

More To Life, Again

She's pissed because she feels like all I want is sex.

I'm pissed because it feels like, if we have any extra time together, she wants to make time for anything BUT sex with me.

It is the thing I would like to do with her more than anything else. I am pissed that so many things get in the way and stop it from happening.

I should talk to her about my revelation about giving up on a fantasy and being thankful for a real woman.

I want to blame myself for so much. I am feeling afraid and very anxious about all sorts of things. I'm not so cross about some of the reality that has pissed me off very much a few months ago.

Seeing Clearly Now

It was good that I decided to not have sex the night before last, it was good the way I thought about it and saw it realistically.

But I slept shitty.

And I wanted a reward of having sex the next night without having to connect (also a kinda punishment).

It was screwed up enough that while we were starting to do it, that I thought, "I should just stop, we're not in the right place for this". I didn't, but thinking about it was a first.

I'm angry that I'm not in control of when and how sex happens. I''m not in control of my kids annoying habits.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Okay, let's just think this thru. IF I DID give myself over to this fantasy world. Let's just see what I would get (rather than always focusing on what I'm loosing by giving it up):

FOR
lots (not endless) of sounds & images, still and moving of sexual esctasy (rears, stripteases, bjs and orgasms).

AGAINST
dissapearing down the rabbit hole of self-gratification will ulitmately cost me my career, money, my real sexlife, wife & kids.

Hmmm. So I've turned to this drug because I didn't know who I was or whether I was alone. I didn't know if I was loved or loveable and now that I have a loving family (yes, you are loved, yes you are lovable!), I'm at risk of losing it all because I sometimes prefer the drug to the reality that the drug was attempting (unsucessfully) to compensate for and replace!

I can't have the best of both worlds:

1) my real life: career, family and awesome real-sex
2) and the fantasy world where I can make Her feel ecstacy and orgasmic whenever I want to, no tiredness or bad moods or muenstration or distractions like children or friends

Progress.....?...!!!!!

Last night I had a chance for an easy orgasm. She didn't mind, but she was too tired to bother engaging. The thing that went through my head as I turned over in anger is that her period is due, so that was the last chance for a while (a week is a long time to me now). Of course, in a fantasy world women don't spend 1/4th of their month with a period.

So I did a good thing, I made a good choice. I slept okay too. But I woke up pissed at her. The thing going through my head the last time she said no is that this fantasy is dying. So this morning when I couldn't walk past her without brushing against her as she bent over, I thought, "She'll never bend over seductively, she'll never enjoy it that way half as much as I do." The idea of her screaming out in esctacy just ain't gonna happen like that. Shit. Shit. Shit.

NEVER!

That hurts. Last weekend I was pissed but thinking that I don't really have any choice. I can't live in a fantasy land with my escapes from reality. I need to make a living & be here for my family. (There are other reasons, I sense). I can't pretend or hope that the fantasy world will do it for me anymore. That shit screws up my real world.

Last weekend I was feeling like I wasn't interested in being a dad. It's all about giving to them. Doing what they wanted, going where they wanted to go. She seems happy, not really wanting anything else. Then there's me. I wanted my real life to work like a fantasy life. I saw that whether we had the kids or not, she wouldn't become my fantasy. She wouldn't screw me passionately in the light of day, outside the usual parameters regardless.

I just gotta give up and deal with it when I'm horny and don't get any. I've just gotta get pissed then move on when she bends over and I'm reminded that it's never gonna be a come-on when she does that.

Sigh....

I think I'm getting used to sex less. Not enjoying the idea or reality of it, but "coming 'round".

I'm thinking about how my wife and I are giving time to our children and others, and feeling jeaulous that we're not giving that kinda energy and creativity and priority to ourselves.

But if we didn't have kids, friends.... She wouldn't be lavishing that extra time/energy on me (definitely not sexually).

Sigh! This process is just accepting one reality (and losing one fantasy) after another....

Anger and Resentment

Poking 'round some websites for old school acquaintences, I notice as my memory is piqued, so are some strong emotions.

I am hesitant about getting in touch with any old classmates, mostly because I don't know how I may have treated people. I might have been mean to people who were less attractive than myself. I might have been bitter and angry toward those more popular than me.

I hear very judgemental and shallow stuff going through my head.

Was I a douche?

I can remember a teacher commenting on a bit of writing I did. She pointed out that I came across angry/sarcastic or negative. Hmmm..

What could I have possibly been angry about?
That no one in my life seemed to care or notice me and my struggles?!
That I had to go through teenage years essentially fatherless?!!
That I've built up all the idiotic ways of coping with problems that leave me isolated and burdened with more--and larger--problems!!!

Don't I get a Coin?

If I went to Alcoholics Anonymous, wouldn't I get a coin or something for being "sober" fore mor than 90 days.

I think I'll give myself a virtual one here.

Fear?

I'm finding it hard to get motivated at work. I know my mood and strength to fight the battle of identity and acceptance and purpose is helped by me doing "a good days' work", but I'm feeling hopeless sometimes.

what's the point?

I used to be motivated by the chance to get approval and affirmation. Now I'm seeing that's no reason to work and not a healthy expectation. But what's left?

"Curiously, although money doesn't buy happiness, happiness can buy money. Young people who describe themselves as happy typically earn higher incomes, years later, than those who said they were unhappy. It seems that a sense of well-being can make you more productive and more likely to show initiative and other traits that lead to a higher income." from NewsWeek.