Anger, another expression

Angry about the way things have gone at work. Interesting the way this comedian talks about wanting to kill himself and thought, "I'll show 'em!". That's exactly how I felt.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bbaRyDLMvA

And Craig is interviewed and comments on his monologue:

The Point

What's the point of talking about how I feel when I know my feelings are all wrong. If I talk about it my behaviour will be exposed as silly at best, self-absorbed at worst--forcing me to change. So a good reason to not talk is that I want to stay in the pouting place that I'm in!

What's the point of talking when there's no answers? It somehow helps, just a little, to talk.

I so wish she'd fuck me. But I don't want her to just do it either.

I woke up very horny. I wanted to so much. But she was asleep. I fought witht the desire and the ideal that it's one-sided. The Angel on my shoulder won over the devil. I'm still horny.

Good Lap Time

Last night was the first time I had sexual pleasure right in front of me, but I knew it was detached and was not as it really should be. I decide to do what was right (rather than what I wanted) and yet I had some good feelings!

Let's imagine what God might say, taking into account what I know He's like:

"Well done! I know how difficult that was for you. That was such a big step! I'm so proud of you. It's getting easier, isn't it? It will continue to get easier and better. Hang in there. I'm with you every step of the way. It was great you going several months "clean" but this is even better!"

There's no way pushing my wants can work. If she reists then I get nothing. If she agrees then either she's pissed off or she's detached. My fantasy for her to be "gagging for it" is impossible. Gotta stop 'cause no matter what, it ain't happenin.

Grrrrrr!

Lots of exclamation marks lately. I'm fed up. I'm fed up of saying, "Shall we go to sleep?" and feeling absolutely appauled and incredulous that she so flippantly says, "okay".

I'm fed up that I've not yet forgiven and moved on. I can't forget how many days running it's been since she's wanted me (Even if she's compromised and gone through the motions anyway).

I'm fed up that I can walk home and be thoughtful and think of her (fix a flat on her bike) but satisfying me sexually isn't something she can slot into her busy schedule. I feel like a 10 year old, "stupid, stupid, stupid!!!!". I feel like she'd rather do anything except make love to me. Grrrrr! I know I'm the one who's wrong. Just like I was wrong a few months ago wishing she'd "do me" a quickie at an innapropriate time or inconvenient place. Give me a few more months and I'll be seeing her at lunchtime and not really minding. F***! F***! F***ing! F***!!!!

I was on my way to buy a snickers and somehow I changed my mind and came here and wrote this instead. Somehow this is better. Creative and cathartic, not heaping guilt or more shame.

Rock Bottom?

So orgasms don't fix anything (mine alone, mine with her, even both of us together).

They make me feel good to some extent or other, but I'm feeling hollow and empty.

Seems every interaction in life just kicked off a chemical high. What's the point?

There must be more to life.

Lie Detector Tested?

Folks at Blazing Graces were talking about how polygraph (lie detector) can help with accountability. Weird, but I like when he pointed out that us addicts have to learn that lying doesn't work, it's like not paying your taxes. It'll eventually catch up with you.

on a personal note, on New Years', at about 2am, I found myself wide awake. I was in an unusual house that happened to have sattelite tv. I didn't realize that I was exaclty on 4 months since my last M, but I gave in. I'm glad to have told her the very next day and it was great to be see things accurately enough such that I wasn't expecting her reaction to be reallly negative (for a change). She's always great, but I usually am so overwhelmed with guilt and my own expectations that drives me away from being honest.

Mary Sharpe: "..makes us want to do it again because that’s part of dopamine’s reaction, it is very addictive and it promotes craving behaviours. Now unfortunately it’s not just craving the love it’s craving the dopamine and just like in many other aspects of addictive behaviours, it’s the dopamine we’re after, it’s not the chocolate cake, it’s not the gambling per se, it’s not even necessarily our love interest, it’s the fix or the hit we get from the dopamine." continued here

Everyone's Wired for Sexual Addiction

see article here

and

"Have you noticed that your "mea culpas" and your criticism of your bad behavior (or the worse behavior of others) have not helped to free you? This is because guilt and blame make sexual addiction stronger..."

and

"Masturbation, rather than truly satisfying, increases your aching longing for wholeness. Moreover you can easily become addicted to its short-term "comfort." Then, even when you have a partner, your routine can interfere. Even if you repeatedly exhaust yourself with physical stimulation it doesn't truly satisfy. It also sets off a sense of depletion or deprivation—for both men and women. When you masturbate regularly you may find interacting with others stressful. Yet your loneliness may drive you to seek more comfort in the form of addictive behaviors"

My own thoughts:

watching the videos on this website, I can't really identify with the "lows" after an orgasm, but I definitely see truth in so much of what they're saying. Before my orgasm yesterday, I really didn't care much about the idea of our mega cool first-in-a-lifetime vacation. I wasn't excited about it. I remember thinking, "I don't care about this holilday, I just want an orgasm". They describe the lows of dopamine withdrawal manifesting with feelings and thoughts like that.

It's true that after the orgasm I thought, "I wouldn't mind some more". That's the unhelpful bit of always wanting more, more, more.

So the antidote for dopamine is "prolactin" (which last for two weeks), but it's involved with lactating during pregnancy and period hassles.

Good News, getting better

So, let's make another "positive posting" as I usually come here to vent.

On the nights when we don't do it, I ususally wake up without a bad attitude toward her. I'm usually not steaming all day or pissed off at her for 24 hours.

I'm deciding to roll over and "tough it out" more often than ever before.

I'm "connecting" better with the family. More humor, more leadership in the home. Gotta be good. This is the vision that I live for--being a great Dad and building a quality home life for the family.

I'm eating less junk, and I've finally come clean and admitted this challenge to her.

I'm not expecting it every day--usually at least.

God is good.

Another One Bites The Dust

Somehow we made a deal. She's been bugging me for years to stop biting my fingernails. I've been telling her how great it would be to join the mile-high club.

She did it. She made the offer. If I can let my fingernails grow (which hasn't happened since I was a kid--25 years!) then she'll do it.

Hurayyy! I bought some of that stuff that you put on your nails that tastes horrible. I tried once and failed, but now that we're closer to our flight (and I'm making headway on other issues of discipline).. I'm doing it!

When she realized this, she started asking questions, expressing concern. What if we get caught? How do we both sneak into the toilet at the same time? What about the kids.

This has been one of those fantasies that I was holding onto. The "logic" is that if she wants to do it at an anusual place, at an odd time, then that must mean she REALLY WANTS Me. Fine, but I can't manipulate the situation to feel wanted by positioning my fantasy to happen! I want to feel loved, but it ain't gonna happen in that specific way that I want it. If I manipulate or push it, then it isn't freely chosen--and it doesn't end up being the fantasy.

So I was sitting in church and the idea came to me, "I'm gonna release her from this agreement". I felt good immediately. I knew this was the right thing to do. The fantasy wouldn't have worked out anyway, it'd have been a dissapointment.

Goals and Vision

They say one of the most important factors of winning in a battle against addiction is Vision. I capitalize VISION because it's really really important. As Russ from ASI said, "Being sober is not enough to live for". To get clean, we need a bigger cause, a more important purpose that we're going for. In order to get this monkey off your back, you gotta answer a bigger and deeper question: "what am I living for?". (masturbation and porn is not an answer that'll work, or haven't you noticed?)

I have been struggling and angry and feeling ripped-off every and any day that sex isn't happening. Things are getting better, so I decided I'd try to change my expectations to every other day. Sure, I can't demand. Sure, it doesn't work in such a mechanical and isolated manner as a 48 hour cycle. I wanna be flexible and aim to look at it relationally, but just in my own head I'm aiming to slow down my sexual clock a bit.

So, I'm trying to not expect it, trying to not even try for it except every other day. Normal people will think that'd be a great deal. (I'm sure most people don't get it weekly--not those who've been in a relationship ten years and have children at home). Still, I'm setting this goal to try to help me in expecting and demanding less.

Whahey, I'm almost 90 days clean! I looked at a movie clip the other night that I shouldn't have. I was home on my own and didn't feel like I had enough energy to do anything constructive, so I swapped between TV and clips on the internet. She was out for the evening, which must be recognized as a "trigger" in addict-speak. I slipped in what I watched, but I held firm in not firmly taking myself "in hand". Matter of fact I'm still orgasmless--and that was three days ago. Did my 2-4-1 deal make this any easier? Naaaa.

Pure Desire, by Ted Roberts

The addictive root usually is built around three issues:

Family disfunction
personal trauma
an addictive society

great book, so far I'd recommend it as highly as any other on the subject (higher than most).

Fathers Figure

"Even when the father is there, if he is distant, uninvolved, or abusive; the results can be the same. So why don't all male children in such circumstances turn to homosexuality (or other expressions of sexual brokenness*)?

One reason is the child with a strong personality will often adapt better than the shy and sensitive child (or will develop other destructive behavior)."


Taken from MetanoiaOnline.org * added by me.

Truth about the Pain

We're all here because of pain, we've made silly, ill informed and unwise (some times accidental) decisions because of pain.

Maybe your pain was horrible, maybe it was sexual abuse or physical beatings that I can't comprehend.

But my pain was the idea that I wasn't loved, which could have meant I was unloveable.

That pain wasn't really nearly as bad as the pain of all the mess that has piled up on the pain since then. Ironic

Good Dad Says

He said to me that I can stay in this lovely country, even though no one knew how.

this communicated how He is all-knowing and all-powerful, but most of all all-loving, good and generous!

He once said that I should not accept a job offer, because he had a better one for me.

this was significant for me discerning his voice and that "He knows the plans He has for me, plans to bless me, not to harm me"

More recently he said to me, "You're bigger than this" (temptation, struggle, addiction)

Giving me a gentle nudge to hold firm and not give in, reminding me of who I am and where I fit into the bigger scheme of things.

So, everytime He's talked to me, I've heard love and acceptance and generosity and care. So why can't I let go of my bitterness/anger toward my earthly father for his "failings"?

So last night in bed I rolled over livid and burning red-hot anger. It wasn't about sex, it was about control. I'd tried to do something for her that was meant to be kind and generous and a blessing. I guess insisting that someone accept your gift kinda goes against the whole spirit of giving.

Why was she being so stubborn?! Why wouldn't she just say yes?!

Have I really dealt with not getting my way from people by escaping to porn and masterbation or junk food?

Significance

We're looking for that feeling of completeness, wholeness. We settle for a bit of caffiene or some sugar or tv or a movie.

We think the pure true love of that one person will fill us up once and for all.

We secretly hanker after lots of little bits of distant "love" or adoration that supposedly comes with fame. Tom Hanks (for example) has a tiny bit of millions of people's good vibes. Does that make him more loved than you and me?

Does that kind of anonymous and disconnected affirmation actually count for anything? Think of Elvis or Michael Jackson. Think of Judy Garland or look into others who are touted as "real professionals" and who "love performing" so so much.

Listmania

Here are some

of the things

that trigger

thoughts of

sex:

underwear
nudity
scene at a gym

shower

her bending over

bikini
bed
touching
kissing
being alone together (not all the time anymore)

her kneeling

Voices in My Head: better

So from the last posting, things are the same in that we seem to be doing it less often now than a month or two ago. "NO ONE DOES IT DAILY!" (Yea!, or Fuckkkkk!). But on the other hand I look ahead to our schedule and think how shitty it is that we won't be able to do for far too many days (three! sometimes three!), and looking back it's not been quite as bad as I feared. Visiting pseudo relatives seems to sometimes get her in the mood (whereas I expected she'd be too tired when we finally got home & in bed). This was a great time when she was really "there" ( and I managed to not be "heavy" or pissed off). And ten minutes before I was pissed at her boring repetitive routine. It's so the opposite of being spontaneous. Then...

I think about how she never does anything about wearing anything different, hardly ever does it anywhere else. These thoughts don't have the same weight behind them, but still...

But... as these kinds of moans and whines go thru my head, I'm hearing something new and different which isn't usually present, "Yes, but look on the bright side." or "Yes but at least you can be thankful of..."

p.s. almost two months "clean". I need to keep this in mind when I have an afternoon/evening on my own tomorrow. Will I surf where I shouldn't? Will I secretly have a pizza?

R U Experienced?

My new mantra, "No One Does it Daily" is getting a lot of use as we have had a busy month, which means sex gets left behind, and ego-boosting lovemaking is missed too.

None last night, none the night before. I could look at the bright side and see how it was my decision to roll over, as she'd have been willing for me to have sex with her while she only participated in the smallest of ways. Great that I was strong and turned that down, but that's the second time that's happened in the last week and we have another string of busy days where our sexuality will probably fall off the edge of the list in favor of other "good things".

So this morning she put her arm around me and nuzzled, but then got up and got on with her big list of "good things". Now she's upstairs having a shower. Why do I imagine a quickie as she's up there naked? Why do I even entertain the idea of us doing it when I know damn well she wont'/can't get into it like that. If I think about it, I'd never expect any of my friends or neighbors to be so lucky with their real-life wives... But I have more experience and memories of porn situtation then I do of real and healthy and good ones.

Again, a shower is not an erotic situation, it's just a daily routine to get clean. Nudity does not mean sexual readiness, it's the stage between one change of clothes and another one. I'm feeling very negative, so what's something positive? The once a week of sex is really enjoyable and healthy and good. About once a month or so it's mind-blowingly satisfying in every way, usually for both of us. That's when we are "in tune" beforehand and connect in more ways than just physically.