Rock Bottom?

So orgasms don't fix anything (mine alone, mine with her, even both of us together).

They make me feel good to some extent or other, but I'm feeling hollow and empty.

Seems every interaction in life just kicked off a chemical high. What's the point?

There must be more to life.

Lie Detector Tested?

Folks at Blazing Graces were talking about how polygraph (lie detector) can help with accountability. Weird, but I like when he pointed out that us addicts have to learn that lying doesn't work, it's like not paying your taxes. It'll eventually catch up with you.

on a personal note, on New Years', at about 2am, I found myself wide awake. I was in an unusual house that happened to have sattelite tv. I didn't realize that I was exaclty on 4 months since my last M, but I gave in. I'm glad to have told her the very next day and it was great to be see things accurately enough such that I wasn't expecting her reaction to be reallly negative (for a change). She's always great, but I usually am so overwhelmed with guilt and my own expectations that drives me away from being honest.

Mary Sharpe: "..makes us want to do it again because that’s part of dopamine’s reaction, it is very addictive and it promotes craving behaviours. Now unfortunately it’s not just craving the love it’s craving the dopamine and just like in many other aspects of addictive behaviours, it’s the dopamine we’re after, it’s not the chocolate cake, it’s not the gambling per se, it’s not even necessarily our love interest, it’s the fix or the hit we get from the dopamine." continued here

Everyone's Wired for Sexual Addiction

see article here

and

"Have you noticed that your "mea culpas" and your criticism of your bad behavior (or the worse behavior of others) have not helped to free you? This is because guilt and blame make sexual addiction stronger..."

and

"Masturbation, rather than truly satisfying, increases your aching longing for wholeness. Moreover you can easily become addicted to its short-term "comfort." Then, even when you have a partner, your routine can interfere. Even if you repeatedly exhaust yourself with physical stimulation it doesn't truly satisfy. It also sets off a sense of depletion or deprivation—for both men and women. When you masturbate regularly you may find interacting with others stressful. Yet your loneliness may drive you to seek more comfort in the form of addictive behaviors"

My own thoughts:

watching the videos on this website, I can't really identify with the "lows" after an orgasm, but I definitely see truth in so much of what they're saying. Before my orgasm yesterday, I really didn't care much about the idea of our mega cool first-in-a-lifetime vacation. I wasn't excited about it. I remember thinking, "I don't care about this holilday, I just want an orgasm". They describe the lows of dopamine withdrawal manifesting with feelings and thoughts like that.

It's true that after the orgasm I thought, "I wouldn't mind some more". That's the unhelpful bit of always wanting more, more, more.

So the antidote for dopamine is "prolactin" (which last for two weeks), but it's involved with lactating during pregnancy and period hassles.

Good News, getting better

So, let's make another "positive posting" as I usually come here to vent.

On the nights when we don't do it, I ususally wake up without a bad attitude toward her. I'm usually not steaming all day or pissed off at her for 24 hours.

I'm deciding to roll over and "tough it out" more often than ever before.

I'm "connecting" better with the family. More humor, more leadership in the home. Gotta be good. This is the vision that I live for--being a great Dad and building a quality home life for the family.

I'm eating less junk, and I've finally come clean and admitted this challenge to her.

I'm not expecting it every day--usually at least.

God is good.

Another One Bites The Dust

Somehow we made a deal. She's been bugging me for years to stop biting my fingernails. I've been telling her how great it would be to join the mile-high club.

She did it. She made the offer. If I can let my fingernails grow (which hasn't happened since I was a kid--25 years!) then she'll do it.

Hurayyy! I bought some of that stuff that you put on your nails that tastes horrible. I tried once and failed, but now that we're closer to our flight (and I'm making headway on other issues of discipline).. I'm doing it!

When she realized this, she started asking questions, expressing concern. What if we get caught? How do we both sneak into the toilet at the same time? What about the kids.

This has been one of those fantasies that I was holding onto. The "logic" is that if she wants to do it at an anusual place, at an odd time, then that must mean she REALLY WANTS Me. Fine, but I can't manipulate the situation to feel wanted by positioning my fantasy to happen! I want to feel loved, but it ain't gonna happen in that specific way that I want it. If I manipulate or push it, then it isn't freely chosen--and it doesn't end up being the fantasy.

So I was sitting in church and the idea came to me, "I'm gonna release her from this agreement". I felt good immediately. I knew this was the right thing to do. The fantasy wouldn't have worked out anyway, it'd have been a dissapointment.

Goals and Vision

They say one of the most important factors of winning in a battle against addiction is Vision. I capitalize VISION because it's really really important. As Russ from ASI said, "Being sober is not enough to live for". To get clean, we need a bigger cause, a more important purpose that we're going for. In order to get this monkey off your back, you gotta answer a bigger and deeper question: "what am I living for?". (masturbation and porn is not an answer that'll work, or haven't you noticed?)

I have been struggling and angry and feeling ripped-off every and any day that sex isn't happening. Things are getting better, so I decided I'd try to change my expectations to every other day. Sure, I can't demand. Sure, it doesn't work in such a mechanical and isolated manner as a 48 hour cycle. I wanna be flexible and aim to look at it relationally, but just in my own head I'm aiming to slow down my sexual clock a bit.

So, I'm trying to not expect it, trying to not even try for it except every other day. Normal people will think that'd be a great deal. (I'm sure most people don't get it weekly--not those who've been in a relationship ten years and have children at home). Still, I'm setting this goal to try to help me in expecting and demanding less.

Whahey, I'm almost 90 days clean! I looked at a movie clip the other night that I shouldn't have. I was home on my own and didn't feel like I had enough energy to do anything constructive, so I swapped between TV and clips on the internet. She was out for the evening, which must be recognized as a "trigger" in addict-speak. I slipped in what I watched, but I held firm in not firmly taking myself "in hand". Matter of fact I'm still orgasmless--and that was three days ago. Did my 2-4-1 deal make this any easier? Naaaa.

Pure Desire, by Ted Roberts

The addictive root usually is built around three issues:

Family disfunction
personal trauma
an addictive society

great book, so far I'd recommend it as highly as any other on the subject (higher than most).

Fathers Figure

"Even when the father is there, if he is distant, uninvolved, or abusive; the results can be the same. So why don't all male children in such circumstances turn to homosexuality (or other expressions of sexual brokenness*)?

One reason is the child with a strong personality will often adapt better than the shy and sensitive child (or will develop other destructive behavior)."


Taken from MetanoiaOnline.org * added by me.

Truth about the Pain

We're all here because of pain, we've made silly, ill informed and unwise (some times accidental) decisions because of pain.

Maybe your pain was horrible, maybe it was sexual abuse or physical beatings that I can't comprehend.

But my pain was the idea that I wasn't loved, which could have meant I was unloveable.

That pain wasn't really nearly as bad as the pain of all the mess that has piled up on the pain since then. Ironic

Good Dad Says

He said to me that I can stay in this lovely country, even though no one knew how.

this communicated how He is all-knowing and all-powerful, but most of all all-loving, good and generous!

He once said that I should not accept a job offer, because he had a better one for me.

this was significant for me discerning his voice and that "He knows the plans He has for me, plans to bless me, not to harm me"

More recently he said to me, "You're bigger than this" (temptation, struggle, addiction)

Giving me a gentle nudge to hold firm and not give in, reminding me of who I am and where I fit into the bigger scheme of things.

So, everytime He's talked to me, I've heard love and acceptance and generosity and care. So why can't I let go of my bitterness/anger toward my earthly father for his "failings"?

So last night in bed I rolled over livid and burning red-hot anger. It wasn't about sex, it was about control. I'd tried to do something for her that was meant to be kind and generous and a blessing. I guess insisting that someone accept your gift kinda goes against the whole spirit of giving.

Why was she being so stubborn?! Why wouldn't she just say yes?!

Have I really dealt with not getting my way from people by escaping to porn and masterbation or junk food?

Significance

We're looking for that feeling of completeness, wholeness. We settle for a bit of caffiene or some sugar or tv or a movie.

We think the pure true love of that one person will fill us up once and for all.

We secretly hanker after lots of little bits of distant "love" or adoration that supposedly comes with fame. Tom Hanks (for example) has a tiny bit of millions of people's good vibes. Does that make him more loved than you and me?

Does that kind of anonymous and disconnected affirmation actually count for anything? Think of Elvis or Michael Jackson. Think of Judy Garland or look into others who are touted as "real professionals" and who "love performing" so so much.

Listmania

Here are some

of the things

that trigger

thoughts of

sex:

underwear
nudity
scene at a gym

shower

her bending over

bikini
bed
touching
kissing
being alone together (not all the time anymore)

her kneeling

Voices in My Head: better

So from the last posting, things are the same in that we seem to be doing it less often now than a month or two ago. "NO ONE DOES IT DAILY!" (Yea!, or Fuckkkkk!). But on the other hand I look ahead to our schedule and think how shitty it is that we won't be able to do for far too many days (three! sometimes three!), and looking back it's not been quite as bad as I feared. Visiting pseudo relatives seems to sometimes get her in the mood (whereas I expected she'd be too tired when we finally got home & in bed). This was a great time when she was really "there" ( and I managed to not be "heavy" or pissed off). And ten minutes before I was pissed at her boring repetitive routine. It's so the opposite of being spontaneous. Then...

I think about how she never does anything about wearing anything different, hardly ever does it anywhere else. These thoughts don't have the same weight behind them, but still...

But... as these kinds of moans and whines go thru my head, I'm hearing something new and different which isn't usually present, "Yes, but look on the bright side." or "Yes but at least you can be thankful of..."

p.s. almost two months "clean". I need to keep this in mind when I have an afternoon/evening on my own tomorrow. Will I surf where I shouldn't? Will I secretly have a pizza?

R U Experienced?

My new mantra, "No One Does it Daily" is getting a lot of use as we have had a busy month, which means sex gets left behind, and ego-boosting lovemaking is missed too.

None last night, none the night before. I could look at the bright side and see how it was my decision to roll over, as she'd have been willing for me to have sex with her while she only participated in the smallest of ways. Great that I was strong and turned that down, but that's the second time that's happened in the last week and we have another string of busy days where our sexuality will probably fall off the edge of the list in favor of other "good things".

So this morning she put her arm around me and nuzzled, but then got up and got on with her big list of "good things". Now she's upstairs having a shower. Why do I imagine a quickie as she's up there naked? Why do I even entertain the idea of us doing it when I know damn well she wont'/can't get into it like that. If I think about it, I'd never expect any of my friends or neighbors to be so lucky with their real-life wives... But I have more experience and memories of porn situtation then I do of real and healthy and good ones.

Again, a shower is not an erotic situation, it's just a daily routine to get clean. Nudity does not mean sexual readiness, it's the stage between one change of clothes and another one. I'm feeling very negative, so what's something positive? The once a week of sex is really enjoyable and healthy and good. About once a month or so it's mind-blowingly satisfying in every way, usually for both of us. That's when we are "in tune" beforehand and connect in more ways than just physically.

Need Love and Gift Love

Evidently C.S. Lewis came up with these distinctions

Need Pleasure

& Appreciation Pleasure

too

brought to you by Ravi Zacharias.

check out the audio/podcast here.

so, I was designed to need? It's not a sign of weakness or unacceptable imperfection then?

Pleasures approved

• Anything that refreshes you without distracting your from your ultimate goal is fine.

(I'll say my ultimate goal is to be the best father I can be
-- first to my children then to whoever else Father gives me).

• Anything that jepordises the sacred right of another is not okay.
  

• Too much of a good thing will distort reality or destroy appetite.

Ravi Zacharias
talks about
"What is Worthwhile Under the Sun"

Sex Idol

So she was pretty pissed off all of yesterday, which I only really found out when we were lying in bed together--late. Somehow when that's the situation I automatically switch from demading selfish mode to selfless and caring mode. Then I rolled over and went to sleep without much hassle.

But after a strong memory of several days when I didn't "get any" recently, I'm pissed about tonight being a late night out for her. That's two in a row. Damnit! It goes through my head the idea of me saying to folks that I need to be home early and explaining that's the only way I can get sex. Just as ridiculous is for her to not go out or not stay out so late so we can not miss "doing it". Ridiculous. That's one sign of an addict--when the addiction squeezes out other parts of life. Idolising sex is when it's too important, takes over instead of a part of a healthy mix of life.

Usually when we miss a day or two, I start getting agitated. In order for our relationship to carry-on happily I need to relax and stay connected--not withdraw or pout. Should I go around chanting and reminding myself:

"Sex is not my right"

"No One Does it Daily"

Cold Shoulder

So last night I tried. I was coming from a place of being positive and focusing on her (I wasn't giving off bad vibes or using her). The night before she wanted me, and so there was sex. The whiney me now wants to say that the next night she didn't want me, so there wasn't sex. It's great that she felt she could say no to me. It sucked that she said no to me. When one of the kids coughed and coughed I went downstairs, using that as an excuse, but my count continues to climb. No M last night, although I wanted to. I'm not so cross at her as usual, wonder if that'll convert to sex tonight...