What a Difference...

..a day makes.

What a difference an instant makes! I was thinking that she's tired and we've had a good run, I want her to see lovemaking as a pleasure, not a chore, so let's just take that step & say, "Good night". Her body language was tired and not affectionate. But I hesitated, thinking "we won't do it in the morning, she won't do it during the day tomorrow either. She might not do it this time tomorrow either.

So in an instant I went from being cool and on top of everything (sleepy and ready to sleep) to cross and and livid and appauled! I need to get rid of this anger 'cause it's not her I should be angry at.

On one had I don't want the orgasm, if it comes with her being disinterested and detached. Oh, that pisses me off. The lie and fantasy shows excitement, pleasure from giving pleasure. What a slap in the face to take a reallly sexy thing like doggy-style and remove the sexiness from it and add disinterest and detachment to boot! ARGGGGGHHH!

I am amazed at my capacity to want and want and take and take. I enjoy good lovemaking and I'm wanting to nudge her to do it somewhere else. I am blessed that she gives me BJs, and I'm thinking of how I can get her to do me before we get to bed.

Damn, I can't even get these thoughts together.

Update while Up

I think all these postings have been done while frustrated and while my cup felt "empty".

Let's change the pattern.

Last night was great. I could tell the minute we snuggled down in bed that we were on the same sheet (of music). She wanted me and I enjoyed her so much I just didn't want to let it end.

Weird how this morning I was still "aware" of her nakedness while she showered, etc. I'm just insatiable. It wasn't a stressful thing. This lie that I want/need it every day kepts me at bay.

So on Saturday we talked & talked and I let off some steam to do with being angry that we didn't make love Fri night or Sat morning. Seeing her bending over is like a red rag to a bull, saying, simlultaneously, "Aren't you turned on" and "Don't you wish I was doing this as a come-one?" and "This doesn't mean anything sexy anymore"

We talked a lot about "receiving love" or "feeling loved" (through sex and other ways). Telling me she loves me just doesn't do it. Washing my clothes and raising my children just isn't the same as a mind-blowing love-making session! I've had words, "I love you" all my life, but did the actions match the words? I've turned to my actions of choice in absense of the real thing, and now am trying to wean myself off those actions--and embrace the Real Thing. Ironic that now I have the real thing, but am spurning it for my fix--a sad substiture indeed!

Paint Dries, Grass Grows

....and addictions are broken.

That's how slow it seems to be to get to the finish line. Yes, there is continual improvement. But it's a bit like that TV show I saw about how they move a huge building--very very slowly!

I've had a good week or more as far as frequency of sex. BJ's during her period and last night was the first night in many days when we didn't "do it". My orgasm cup is "empty" (it fills up when no orgasm happens) except for last night. My "wanted" cup is no where near showing "low" as the lovemaking was good and she wanted it and wasn't just going through the motions--especially the night before last. So good that with a week to be thankful for, that I didn't wake up really angry this morning due to sleeping poorly and/or not getting it last night. Rolling over without sex is still hard and sleeping itself can be difficult regardless.

So, when will I be able to go for a whole month without any difficulty sleeping for ALL the times we don't make love?!!! That'd be great. See, I'm not wishing for us to always do it, I'm wishing for me to handle it better that we won't. That's improvement. (I still would like her to just spontaneously screw or blow me though)

Gonna take some time off work tomorrow to look for a car together. Bit pissed off that she won't want to "do it" then. No kids, no reason we can't. But she'll have the car hunting agenda on her mind and can't switch to sex.

Shit at work pissing me off. My tech specialty seems to be fading in importance and might not be here in five years' time. I'm angry about this and was kinda comparing that to my parents splitting up. (Me loosing something important and not having any control over it). How do I deal with it? Do I deal with it? Do I bury my head in the sand and turn to something addictive to help me ignore the frustration and loss? It doesn't really work doing that. Just causes more problems. I could go in the toilet right now, get some lotion from the dispenser and close the door in the stall and give myself an O. But I won't feel any better five minutes later, and it'll be hard to resist doing that the next time I'm unhappy.

01:16 Thurs Dec 22 2005

So here I am downstairs again. TV on. Computer connected to the net. (obviously)

Why do I have such a strong association between sex and a system or schedule?

I found it easier to go to sleep last night without sex because I knew we'd done it a number of times in the last week. Still, tonight I was cross. She had last night off, didn't she?!!! Why no again? Plus hearing how much is gonna be packed into Christmas makes me think, "Ah, sex'll get squeezed out then, huh!??!!!". That's not necessarily true, but I'm pissed.

I could M* to some porn right now. It would feed good, but it wouldn't help me get to sleep. It would be enjoyable, but short lived. It would make it harder for me to resist next time (which will probably be very shortly!).

Ahh, fuck it. This just sucks.

Expecting Too Mutch (but not unaware)

So night before last we had some really good lovin'. Normally I'm fightin' falling asleep afterward, but this time I was rarin' to go again, keen for 2nd time 'round. She said, "let's go to sleep & we can always enjoy each other tomorrow night!". Then she had a shitty day & I don't blame her for not wanting to. But it still pissed me off. I slept fine though, which is nice. I'm trying to act like I'm not angry. Tryin' to not be quiet or distant. Wishin' she'd blow me or just screw me, but really knowin' better than to expect or dwell on it.

Trigger: expecting we'll make love, then we don't--really pisses me off & fucks me up.

I'm not in control, I can't predict. I went Christmas shopping and bought some junk-food, but really wished I could buy some satisfaction. Then I'd be in control  I'd be calling the shots.


We had our youngest's Christmas school play this morning. I often struggle with my emotions at those things. Why do I feel blah, down at them? Is it seeing all the mums and dads and the stark reality of how unromantic and unsexy our lives all are? Is it the fact that the whole show is all about the kids and how focused and excited she is while I've taken time off work, and knowing that she won't "do me" before I go back to work--BUT SHE COULD!

I keep remembering how the big "M" doesn't make these feelings any better. It's nice, but it doesn't actually help all this crap at all. Probably makes it harder to resist next time--so it's worse, not better.

Wonder if we'll Do-It tonight. I'm gonna try to hide my pissed-off-ness, but she's had another busy day and will have a busy evening. So.... it could be another "No" on top of last night. Sigh....

Good and Bad

Good:

It's been a long time since I've posted, meaning a long time since I've had a shitty stretch.

I can look at her rear and not get innapropriately turned on "automatically".

I can see that being angry is counterproductive and only makes everything worse.

I don't REALLY expect her to screw me, even after a shitty night's sleep.

I realize that screwing me isn't what it's all about. Feeling accepted & loved is it.

BAD:

I still wish she'd screw me.
I still want to feel accepted & loved--more than I get from normal life.
I still stumble with the big "M" even when so many things are so much better.
I still struggle with us not making love, especially when I expected that we would.
I still want a hug but am still not hugging her.

So tonight I've already committed myself to us not making love because she's going out & will be home late. Problem is she didn't feel like it last night either--which was a tough surprise to take--just tough enough to fuck up me sleeping at all last night. So none last night, none tonight, and I'm very tired on top of those.

Good Memory, Bad Memory

Why do I seem to have a great memory for being "wronged" but a terrible one regarding getting what I want? If we have great sex, even a string of sex including great sex.. I forget it as soon as I have to go a day or two without. I remember back for weeks all the times I've not gotten what I wanted, conveniently skipping over the times when I got exactly what I wanted.

Damn selfishness.

Last night was day two without any lovin' and remembering the every-night sex while visiting her friends farm doesn't make me feel any better. I woke up thinkin' how it sucks that even when we do make love I'm just getting the "dregs" or leftovers at the end of a long day. I'm tired, she's tired. How often will we have a chance to make love during the day or even a little earlier in the evening? Once a year if we plan something? Shit!

Last night she wanted to go to bed early, but it didn't end up happening. Then we talked for quite a while but didn't fuck. Shit!

Loose it, Find it

One of my obsessions/fantasies was about a luncthime quickie with my wife, or her turning up to the front door of my workplace wearing nothing but an overcoat. I work close enough to home that it's not an impossibility (especially since the kids are all in school).

So it was a landmark Big Step when I invited her to meet me at the park near my office for a picnic lunch. I was walking 'round one day and saw a couple having lunch together with their baby and stroller in tow. I thought, "Hey, we don't have any babies anymore. We could meet and have a nice lunch." It was nothing to do with a quickie or sex.

As soon as I suggested it (she loved the idea and has suggested we do it regularly) those old thoughts started creeping in and trying to takeover the idea. I was actually a bit "down" during that picnic--like my fantasy was dying it's last death.

But then the next time we meet we cycled to a restaraunt and I suggested we both "dress up" a bit. Well, guess what?!! She was almost flirting before the we started biking home and we had our first lunchtime loving when we got home.

We've been on a kinda buzz; we're seeing things improve and enjoying it more these days. Last night was the first night for a while that we didn't make love. It was THIS week when we had that great sex I mentioned above, but I still had trouble sleeping last night, but was only a little angry about it.

Anyway, by giving up my selfish and negative fantasy for male-imagined mechanical sex, I've been given a lovely gift of real relating and two-way love making where she actually wants me. It's so satisfying to enjoy her satisfaction! Harder work than the Big M, less frequent and completely uncontrolable, but BETTER!

I'm not powerless

The other night I was lying there in bed, just steam coming out of my ears at the thought that she wouldn't want to make love. I was thinking, "See, she doesn't want to" (which probably meant, "See, she doesn't want YOU/love you". Anyway, she said she really found it hard to give me a hug while I'm like that. Some other things were said, but the important thing is that after getting cross and turning my back to her resigned and livid that we wouldn't be screwing, somehow, someway I changed my attitude. I thought, I'm gonna wake up still cross. I'm gonna come home tomorrow from work feeling the same. So I forced myself to turn back over and face her. I put my arms around her and let go. I'm not sure how I did it or what it entailed. But we could both feel the change in the air.

If I could do it then....

Improvement

So, after a string of "getting lucky" on numerous nights, I knew my luck was running out. It was time to gird up myself and decide on a "go straight to sleep" night.

I can't just make it "let's wait and see" because I'll be hoping and hoping it happens or I'll go ahead and try like every other night.

So I have to go all the way and decide it'll be a sex-free night. How I wish she'd be impressed but so turned on she'd subvert my noble plan.

But it's "facing the pain" and it was easier this time. The pain wasn't all enveloping. It was hard not getting madder as our plans for an early sleep were shot. But easier than before.

I'm just looking for excuses to confirm my thought that she doesn't want me. If she doesn't make love to me, "Ah HA!!!". Often when she does, I think, "she didn't really want to (ah ha!)". Rubbish.

The idea that sex=love is a lie. She loves me all the time even when not giving me sex. God loves and accepts me, even though I don't hear Him. Is it just time for the truth to sink in, or does something else need to happen?

the pain, the pain

What's so gutting about "No"?

It's easier to forget about how long it's been since last time, especially after a week out of the country.

But even if I'm the one who says, "Let's just go to sleep", something inside me cries out in pain when she replies "okay".

I hear "No"
I hear "I don't want you"

When this happened the other night, I fell asleep saying "let go, let go, let go" but woke feeling angry and with my head spinning of all kinds of crap. I'd really like to let go completely, but just don't know how.

I know she loves me and wants me, so why does it hurt so much when she says no to sex?

Wish Wish Wish

I keep hearing myself thinking, "I wish.." and it's always things that I can't have. I wish she would do things that help me to feel loved, feel good.

It's one day after my last post. I wasn't quite moping as much by noon as I was in the morning. I was a bit better by the evening. But I was quiet and distant. It was a protest for the fact that we hadn't made love the night before, plus a "low" because of how illogical and counterproductive that actually is. I wasn't as mad at her. I didn't actually think my strop would manipulate her to be drawn to me. Instead it was more like, "Fine, you don't want me, I don't need you either". "You don't want to give me what I want, I don't have to give you what you want". I tried to snap out of it, but couldn't.

At least I knew this was stupid enough to not try for sex that night. I made the bold move of saying "good night" thus releasing her from any further demands to talk and talk and talk or even fuck. Weird how right before that moment I was drifting to sleep, pretty relaxed. But when I said good night, and she said the same, I just started feeling so angry. I guess I was really "wishing" she'd say, "good night, but before we go to sleep, I'd really like to satisfy you!" or "Please don't go to sleep just yet, I so want you, I so need you, ". Then I dredge up how many different times and ways she doesn't want me sexually. I feel like our lovelife is a tiny little shrinking box. But I know that's bullshit and that if she'd do a bit more the never-satisfied addiciton would then demand something else or some more.

I decided to say, "good night", it was really tough, and I wished there was another way. I did the same thing again just now emailing her saying, "let's decide right here and now that we're not gonna make love tonight". That was so difficult. As a result, I'm feeling sad and cross even now. I have to sleep without the chemical buzz of an orgasm. I have to roll over and not let anger blow my sleeping fuse.

I SO WISHED she'd say something, anything... other than, "okay". She's off the hook from having the pressure to help me sleep. It only would work if she wanted it. It's no good to ask or demand or need. I SO WISH that she would want what I want. I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH. but I want to be free

"No" yesterday, "No" today

So I was in a mood yesterday & last night. She didn't wanna do it the night before. I know it's silly and counterproductive. I'm stuck in the place of a stroppy teenager or eleven year old. We talked and talked and that was good, but, of course, by the end of it all too tired to do it again. Damn! Woke up pissed off AGAIN. It's a day off and a "family day" which is all about the kids. I'm feeling left out and selfish. I'm avoiding her and giving her the cold shoulder.

I'm not supposed to feel gutted when she doesn't want me sexually. I'm supposed to feel good from other things like talking or hanging out together.


Fuck this!


Guess I better do downstairs and do something "in the opposite spirit". Shit. I just want to be asleep (escape).

Make a Birthday Wish

She asked me what I would like for my birthday today. What I'd really like is a day together with her enraptured by me. Unfortunately you can't buy that. You can't order it or schedule it or plan it. Even asking for it could be the midas touch. I've just gotta lower my expectations and shrug my shoulders.

See this morning was one of those "sleep late days", one of the few times the kids watch TV and we're free and undisturbed. I felt angry and cheated seeing her sleeping and dozing and uninterested. So, I either got out of bed and had to not resent her, or I could be affectionate and see if she could be won over or not. I didn't want her to just go through the motions. I didn't want her to just do it for me, but you never can tell when or if she'll warm up and get turned on. So I try to be laid-back and easygoing, but I don't know how much success I'm having.

This morning she doesn't get turned on much, but I sure do. She pleases me, but I wonder whether I was selfish or demanding. Am I chipping away at the health and pleasure of our relationship by asking too much? Will she not want to quite the same so much in future because I keep asking for it too much?

Maybe, mabye not. I feel physically satisfied, but empty in another way. Could I have stopped once I saw she wasn't really interested? That's a challenge.

Another Erotic Fantasy Eroded

I yearn for the Honeymoon experience. You know, you're both just so into each other, the world just doesn't matter. It makes you feel ten-hundred feet tall that she is thinkin' about you all the time, making wild and spontaneous gestures of that bright burning love. Guess it's unhealthy that I want her to feel these things for me, but I'm not exactly burning for her this way. We've been together for over a decade, so if that doesn't "end the honeymoon", children certainly will.

I get a bit obsessed with making love somewhere different, at a different time, anything different really. Why? Do I really care? Naaa, it's just a way to convince myself that she REALLY is crazy in love with me and that the honeymoon isn't over. See, if she chooses cleaning the toilet or talking about the kids over a passionate lovemaking session, then.... My fantasy is crumbling. She's a real woman, not a fake porn lie. She rarely will jump me like a nympho (okay, never) and I have to find my strength and comfort and confidence without that little crutch.

But it would be so cool!

I am trying to manipulate her to get the sign, hoping that I can count on it lead to the underlying message. What I mean is that I want to feel wanted, needed, desired. I want her to want me more than she wants to get her housework done. I want her to ring me up at work and ask me to come home so she can jump my bones! This would give me:

sexual satisfaction
a buzz from the experience
to feel wanted, top priority
sexual satisfaction
and sexual satisfaction

And I was feeling down and sad. If she doesn't want to jump me, then she doesn't really care much. If she doesn't want sex with me more than to do housework, then I'm not so desirable, valuable. I don't know if I really believed this, or just tried to kid myself to push my agenda. Silly and bogus logic. Like the guy says on xxxchurch.com's "cleanup program" Sex=love is a lie.

Plus, I'm ashamed to admit it but I have "pushed her" into sexual situations before, and instead of it making me feel on top of the world, it made me feel like the lowest of low.

So,
1. Waiting for her to fulfill this fantasy doesn't work. She ain't gonna do it.
2. Trying to "help" doesn't work because it's not genuine if she doesn't want it. Porn girls can fake an orgasm, pretend like they enjoy being used for your desires and wants, but real women don't. You can see it in their eyes, feel it in the room. It's not good.
3. Give up, let go. Back to that phrase, yet again.

Non-Mutual Masturbation

Grrrrr. Grrrrrr. GGRRRRRRRR! I can't really type what's going on right now. A fuse sorta blows when I want sex, leave my comfort zone and take a risk by communicating such, and get the answer "no". I'm sorta carrying around a demand after that until it finally happens. I want to let go of it, not stock-pile desires as if they were rights that I can demand and cash-in like a disgruntled consumer, complaining and demanding to speak to the manager.

Sometimes I actually prefer simple un-connected sex to 45 minutes of foreplay and communicating. The latter is far more satisyfing (even for me, obviously for her!) so is it the fact that it's "naughty" that makes it appealing? I'm sure laziness is in there somewhere. Getting an orgasm, but not having to give anything but a few thrusts.

Times like this I watch her walk back and forth from one room to the next. I'm acutely aware that we're not on honeymoon anymore. She chooses housework to putting her arms around me or giving me a kiss. Even if the kids weren't around, even if I was home from work (say on lunchbreak) it's not what she'd like to happen. I don't really believe that means I'm rejected, but times like this it's hard to not focus on those kinda negative things. I think about dozens of ways to "come on to her". I run through my head different ways to ask for a BJ. It's all ridiculous.

Guess I'm just wanting her to screw me so I get the same end-result as the Big M, but without me needing to touch myself--or feel guilty.

Repairing Your Fuse

It's great learning to turn off the "turned on" switch. Seeing a skirt might draw your eyes like a moth to a light, but it doesn't have to be a problem.

It's like learning that you can handle it, you don't have to get worked up, you don't have to get angry. Then after that sometimes you do anyway, but the fact that you've managed it once, or it was easier once is like some light shining into a tunnel, you can follow it and take some comfort from it. It's nice to think that you could keep moving and find everything lit, rather than staying still and it just being cold and dark.

A little encouragment, a little bit of progress and that fuse which burned so quickly between the cause (anger, boredom, horniness, a sexually charged image) and the effect (getting turned on and finally the Big "M") gets lengthened, giving you a better chance of snuffing out the flame before it's too late.

Landscape Gardening My Brain

I've had it explained to me that when certain stimulation is followed by certain actions, time and time again.. you get a biological explanation for a habit (or addiction). The brain impulses associated with strong feelings can be compared to a rain-shower. The decisions you make regarding these feelings can be mapped out on the landscape of your brain impulses. Imagine a hillside with rain falling on it.

It's gonna flow one way or another. At first it is anyone's guess which path it will take. But the result causes erosion, which means the next time it rains there's a greater chance the water will flow down the same path, making the path deeper, and reinforcing the "habit" even more.

The first time one masturbates--it feels good and sexual tension is released, at least. You might find deciding whether to masturbate an easy decision. The more you do it, the more erosion you get down this particular decision path, making it the favored path "of least resistance". Maybe the "Will" or "logic" or "reason" is loosing ground as the habit is strenthened. I'd like an explanation for why puttin a photo of my beloved family in front of my computer screen hasn't been enough to stop me from surfing to porn, which ultimately leads to the big M.

Maybe the storm is 'feeling depressed' or even a bigger worry about the future. I can imagine a lonely teenager feels trapped about these things. He needs an escape from the pain, wanting to replace the bad feeling with a good feeling.

But after hundreds of cycles of storm and rain, a trench has been dug down the side of the hill. Most of the rain is gonna flow down this path. Whereas once it was a random chance, now it's a sure-thing. The strong association between the feelings (rainstorm) and the path leading down the hill (masturbation) are cemented.

Reading about addiction and synapses here I'm encouraged by the fact although I have a very strong habit or psychological addiction, at least it isn't nearly as tough to conquer as a chemical addiction. I'm not a biologist, and don't understand this very well. But it sounds like the way drugs alter the landscape of synapse & neurotransmisions in the brain is a bit like the hill being somehow transformed so the water doesn't run as fast, and also causing more or faster rain to try to compensate! It's a terrible cycle that leads to the hill being damaged and ultimately distroyed.

So each time I feel down or horney, my body wants to jump the gun to immediately get that welcomed and familiar feeling associated with sexual stimulation and orgasm. Maybe my Will and resolve are like wind, blowing the water accross the hill to another path, a side of the hill which hasn't carried water much since I was a teenager. I'm gonna pray that God gives me strong lungs, and I think his Grace will eventually even "fill in" those 20 year old gulleys and ruts.

Is it Asking So Much?!!

I'm getting to grips with a big loss. They say grieving is:

letting go...
coming to terms with the loss of...
renogiating life without...

someone or something important to you.

So it could be a job, dear loved-one, or even a "habbit" or lie which gives some kind of comfort.

Whether it's boredom, an emotional dip, or just the desire to feel good, I can't have it anymore. The ability to get great feelings are now out of my control. They've been taken out of the category of entertainment like TV or a magazine or a treat (like a pizza). It was very solitary & simple. A decision that only involved me. Now these feelings are steeped under the banner of the myserious psyche of Woman, and part of that fuzzy, complicated and unpredictable thing called "relationship".

I heard myself say time and time again, "Is it so much to ask?!!!" (sounding like a 9 year-old kid, "It's not fair!!"). Is it so much to ask to want a BJ in the morning? Is it so much to ask to fancy a quickie? Am I really asking too much to want sex only once a day?

Well, one of those times I slipped (I had a whole evening to myself and just said, "what the heck") I downloaded some dodgy movie clips and eventually my Big-M counter was reset to "zero days". I must have thought, "I've blown it, so I may as well enjoy the digression" because I ended up M'ing three times that night.

Weird thing was, when she got home, I was just as screwed up and intensely obsessed with sex. The enemy went too far that time and gave away a part of his strategy, which made me realize something.

Enough is never enough.

If I got the answer, "Okay, once a day isn't too much", the empty needy hunger in me would soon say, "okay, now I want twice a day" and so on.

So, it is killing me to admit and accept it (good, DIE you bastard, DIE!!!) but yes, it is asking too much.

Lies & Damned Lies

I feel silly admitting to some of the lies that crept into my consciousness. But here goes.

Porn lies saying that it's okay for you to feel good anytime. It's all in your hands.
Porn lies saying you can control everything about sex (what, when, where, how).
Porn lies that it's okay to keep looking for something a bit sexier.
(instead of finding satisfaction, you learn to never be satisfied & just keep looking)

Porn programmed me to equate that a woman wearing sexy clothes is communicating that she is ready for sex. It's so stupid, so silly. Maybe that's not right. Maybe the dying selfishness cried out in attempt #631 saying, "Look, she's wearing a skirt, if she doesn't want you then you have plenty to be angry about".

Porn programs you to expect more, look for perfect physical beauty (look around the real world and consider things like aging and you'll see just another recipe for disaster).

Interesting how I desperately wanted attention/affirmation and to feel special at about the same time I was going through puberty and the masturbation stage. The typical porn scene has a beautiful woman desperate for sex, desperate for you. You imagine yourself with her and you have someone who really "wants" you. Physically it feels good, but deeper needs are being poisoned rather than actually addressed. Of course it's fake and empty and just leaves you wanting more.

When I see a pretty girl now, I often find myself saying to myself, "yeah, but she's pretty but she's just an ordinary girl, she's not a sex-kitten, not a nympho and not ready for rumpy-pumpy at the drop of a hat!" Sometimes I say this with anger like I've been duped into buying something and only after handing over my cash do I find out. Other times I say it in a reinforcing way, like someone chanting the 12 steps of AA or something.