Anniversary

I built up very high expectation for a day together. I woke up cross because I could see already that she wasn't shutting out the world. No escape for me that day. We did enjoy some time together, but it seemed far too little.
Merry Christmas and may you Enjoy reality and freedom and wholeness in 2008!

Honesty as a Policy

The other night I was cross and resenting her for not "doing it". Nothing new here, but what was notable is that I was brave and took a chance by being more honest with how I was feeling. I am usually afraid of saying the wrong thing and missing a chance to get what I'm desperate for (sex). This time I went ahead and said what I was thinking. The manipulative thoughts in my head were saying I'd miss out, but I did it anyway.

She was very glad for me to be honest. We managed to reconnect (and there was even sex too). That's what I struggle with, the want for sex and the want to do what's right (and avoid the guilt of being selfish).

If you're struggling, please take some comfort and strength from my experience that it does get easier. It really really does!

Persevere!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Feeling pretty bad right now, a bit low, a bit angry (but in my right head, mostly).

It's the fact that she & I had some time together alone, and I couldn't get it out of my head.. the thought of a quickie. A still small voice said something to me about "Can you work out a scenario that will be honouring to her?" And I can't. A quickie in the car, somewhere where we might be found out, it just doesn't right when looked at that way.

It's just that I can't have orgasms during the day very often. When there's a chance for us to be alone I find it hard to let go of the idea. Half (at least not all) of my thoughts during our nice lunch together was where could we go to screw (home wasn't any good as the builder was there all day).
Now she's hinted that there's be a chance at some point, but I know it'll either be completely disconnected and I'll feel very guilty, or she means around midnight when she gets home after a very long day. I want a chance to do it outside the usual time, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Happy Anniversary!

...to me. Today I've matched my record for the most days clean (recorded anyway). Last time it was @ Christmas holidays @ my parents' place (where they had cable TV) and one night I woke up and watched some soft porn and M'ed.


Anyway, today I'm aware that my hopes for my next day-off is dashed as she's got a sore throat. Didn't hurt really. Not ideal, not what I was planning, but it seems okay. Things are always getting better.. Still....


If you persevere and don't give up (even if you stumble, keep on keeping on) it will improve and you will find it easier and you will WIN!

Materialistic Sex

Did some Christmas shoppping today. Spent half the time on the phone and the other half listening to a podcast. The girls in the short skirts caught my eye. Then I was in a store and I found myself browsing the skirts (longer ones), while knowing that I can't buy something to get her in the mood. Sex isn't a commodity.

Christmas's materialism sux. I feel I'm wired and programmed to seek sexual gratification, especially this time of the year.

Score!

What a change a day makes!


She was honest expressing her frustration of me seeming demanding.


I felt crushed, and automatically took it to heart as "my fault" all along.

She admitted this is just how she feels and that both our attitudes could do with changing.


Next day we picked up at the same place once the kids were in bed.


Cleansing and theraputic to be more honest and more vulnerable. Not about sex, about fears and honesty and intense stress.
Now I'm flying high!

More To Life, Again

She's pissed because she feels like all I want is sex.

I'm pissed because it feels like, if we have any extra time together, she wants to make time for anything BUT sex with me.

It is the thing I would like to do with her more than anything else. I am pissed that so many things get in the way and stop it from happening.

I should talk to her about my revelation about giving up on a fantasy and being thankful for a real woman.

I want to blame myself for so much. I am feeling afraid and very anxious about all sorts of things. I'm not so cross about some of the reality that has pissed me off very much a few months ago.

Seeing Clearly Now

It was good that I decided to not have sex the night before last, it was good the way I thought about it and saw it realistically.

But I slept shitty.

And I wanted a reward of having sex the next night without having to connect (also a kinda punishment).

It was screwed up enough that while we were starting to do it, that I thought, "I should just stop, we're not in the right place for this". I didn't, but thinking about it was a first.

I'm angry that I'm not in control of when and how sex happens. I''m not in control of my kids annoying habits.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Okay, let's just think this thru. IF I DID give myself over to this fantasy world. Let's just see what I would get (rather than always focusing on what I'm loosing by giving it up):

FOR
lots (not endless) of sounds & images, still and moving of sexual esctasy (rears, stripteases, bjs and orgasms).

AGAINST
dissapearing down the rabbit hole of self-gratification will ulitmately cost me my career, money, my real sexlife, wife & kids.

Hmmm. So I've turned to this drug because I didn't know who I was or whether I was alone. I didn't know if I was loved or loveable and now that I have a loving family (yes, you are loved, yes you are lovable!), I'm at risk of losing it all because I sometimes prefer the drug to the reality that the drug was attempting (unsucessfully) to compensate for and replace!

I can't have the best of both worlds:

1) my real life: career, family and awesome real-sex
2) and the fantasy world where I can make Her feel ecstacy and orgasmic whenever I want to, no tiredness or bad moods or muenstration or distractions like children or friends

Progress.....?...!!!!!

Last night I had a chance for an easy orgasm. She didn't mind, but she was too tired to bother engaging. The thing that went through my head as I turned over in anger is that her period is due, so that was the last chance for a while (a week is a long time to me now). Of course, in a fantasy world women don't spend 1/4th of their month with a period.

So I did a good thing, I made a good choice. I slept okay too. But I woke up pissed at her. The thing going through my head the last time she said no is that this fantasy is dying. So this morning when I couldn't walk past her without brushing against her as she bent over, I thought, "She'll never bend over seductively, she'll never enjoy it that way half as much as I do." The idea of her screaming out in esctacy just ain't gonna happen like that. Shit. Shit. Shit.

NEVER!

That hurts. Last weekend I was pissed but thinking that I don't really have any choice. I can't live in a fantasy land with my escapes from reality. I need to make a living & be here for my family. (There are other reasons, I sense). I can't pretend or hope that the fantasy world will do it for me anymore. That shit screws up my real world.

Last weekend I was feeling like I wasn't interested in being a dad. It's all about giving to them. Doing what they wanted, going where they wanted to go. She seems happy, not really wanting anything else. Then there's me. I wanted my real life to work like a fantasy life. I saw that whether we had the kids or not, she wouldn't become my fantasy. She wouldn't screw me passionately in the light of day, outside the usual parameters regardless.

I just gotta give up and deal with it when I'm horny and don't get any. I've just gotta get pissed then move on when she bends over and I'm reminded that it's never gonna be a come-on when she does that.

Sigh....

I think I'm getting used to sex less. Not enjoying the idea or reality of it, but "coming 'round".

I'm thinking about how my wife and I are giving time to our children and others, and feeling jeaulous that we're not giving that kinda energy and creativity and priority to ourselves.

But if we didn't have kids, friends.... She wouldn't be lavishing that extra time/energy on me (definitely not sexually).

Sigh! This process is just accepting one reality (and losing one fantasy) after another....

Anger and Resentment

Poking 'round some websites for old school acquaintences, I notice as my memory is piqued, so are some strong emotions.

I am hesitant about getting in touch with any old classmates, mostly because I don't know how I may have treated people. I might have been mean to people who were less attractive than myself. I might have been bitter and angry toward those more popular than me.

I hear very judgemental and shallow stuff going through my head.

Was I a douche?

I can remember a teacher commenting on a bit of writing I did. She pointed out that I came across angry/sarcastic or negative. Hmmm..

What could I have possibly been angry about?
That no one in my life seemed to care or notice me and my struggles?!
That I had to go through teenage years essentially fatherless?!!
That I've built up all the idiotic ways of coping with problems that leave me isolated and burdened with more--and larger--problems!!!

Don't I get a Coin?

If I went to Alcoholics Anonymous, wouldn't I get a coin or something for being "sober" fore mor than 90 days.

I think I'll give myself a virtual one here.

Fear?

I'm finding it hard to get motivated at work. I know my mood and strength to fight the battle of identity and acceptance and purpose is helped by me doing "a good days' work", but I'm feeling hopeless sometimes.

what's the point?

I used to be motivated by the chance to get approval and affirmation. Now I'm seeing that's no reason to work and not a healthy expectation. But what's left?

"Curiously, although money doesn't buy happiness, happiness can buy money. Young people who describe themselves as happy typically earn higher incomes, years later, than those who said they were unhappy. It seems that a sense of well-being can make you more productive and more likely to show initiative and other traits that lead to a higher income." from NewsWeek.

Letting Her Be Her

I'd love to be able to sweep her off her feet. I'd love to be able to break her our of her routine. But she's a person of great structure and she's grown very comfortable with her routines.

It'd be so much fun to shake it up. Swap thing 'round.

But she doesn't want to.

Sighhhhh.

78 Days and Counting...

So I'm approaching 3 months "clean". Again.... It's been loads easier, easier than ever before.

Getting more stuck-in at work has helped more than I can say. But after a shitty night sleep, I am finding it hard to dive into work. I keep wanting to turn to something easier. Something that I can consume rather than engage and give to. Hmmmmm.....

think and feel thru the pain

I just got back from lunch. I was cheezed that I had to roll over dissatisfied last night (not irate, not seething, just peeved). But I slept shitty. I woke up annoyed (rather than insensed).

Had the car and found myself "treating" myself to a KFC at lunchtime rather than eating the sandwich I'd made. So I reward myself for having not slept well with a less-than healthy meal.




Health check:
not sleeping well: bad

eating junk food: bad

This is that 11 year old "self parenting" again. That's not decision-making that would stand up to the scrutiny of discussion and opennness (It's my secret, which kinda gives me a buzz, at least I feel in control of something!).

It seems such a shock and so unfair to not get an orgasm, not get sleep, and say no to myself about a nice lunch as well!

But looking at this while refusing to ignore consequenses of my actions means a different thing altogether. I'm over forty. I gotta think about my health. If I choose to punish my body with junk food every time I don't sleep well, I'll likely suffer more health problems in time!

So do I want to give myself a treat at the cost of some fat in my diet? Do I want to self-medicate even when considering the long-term effects? (gaining weight)

This needs some thought, I need to be "in my right head" next time I sleep shitty.

I've been thinking lately how much I gravitate towards rules and policies and legalistic ways in silly stuff in my life. Mealtime with kids. Do I really think I can setup some rules and then walk away and not need to hassle with conflict and avoid any frustrations?

I know I can, I know I can, I know I can!

It's great to be freer. It's great to not have such negative or powerful thoughts bouncing through my head when I'm faced with not getting some.


I still have the thoughts (not quite voices), but they don't carry that punch anymore. I woke up horny today, a bit frustrated that I couldn't do anything about it.. But my mind moved on pretty quickly.





What happens when I screw up? The other day I forgot I had turned on the bath and it flooded the bathroom, and even dripping down through to the ceiling and into the kitchen! How do you process the facts of a screw-up? I want to ignore it and move on without even taking onboard.



When I crashed my new vehicle as a teenager, I wanted to bury myself in a hole. I wished I could have un-born myself. It was like my view of myself is linked to what other people think, and I remember imagining neighbours driving by our house and seeing my truck with the roof crushed. I'd imagine them thinking what a looser I must be. That threatened me with the idea of actually being a looser!

So, it's okay to screw up. It's okay to make a mistake (Being perfect isn't gonna earn me his love and making mistakes aren't gonna cause me to loose His). I don't have to follow my drive of habit to run away from the facts of my mistakes. I don't have to quickly bury them. It's okay. She can be angry or upset or dissapointed. Emotions are okay (hers and mine).

So Much Better

Where to start? My "Tank" is so much fuller than it has ever been. I would like to say it is directly from God, and that I'm learning to go to him daily to keep fresh and full. But it's work. My job had gone stagnant. My own psyche had suffered far more than I realized. I got some new responsibilities and now am not "needing" sex!

I stil want it a lot, but the pressure and intensity and head-crap has no intensity compared to before. My perspective is so much better. My peace is back!

The other significant element was me doing some writing. Something creative, something expressive and good and even theraputic.

(^8

Thank you Jesus!

Essay titled "Grenade Re-Cycle"

For me Army Basic Training is a blur of mostly bad memories: frustration, fear, sleepiness & loneliness. It was my first time away from home and my family. I was eighteen. But amidst all the trauma, I can remember getting into the back of that truck with 1/2 a dozen others very clearly. We had been through the grenade qualification training, but failed. The drill sergeant commented on this to the driver, "These losers flunked the training grenades. Everybody else in the battalion passed, but we gotta make a special trip back to the range for them. I think they'll flunk again. They look like ReCycles to me."

It hurt to have been spoken to like that. But something else rose inside me after his quips.I was angry for them, my fellow trainees. I didn't even know the names of all these guys from various squads and companies. But when that drill sergeant spoke about us, in my mind, we became a unit--bound together as underdogs, unified to pass this course and avoid the hell-like fate of Recycling! When you're in the prison-like brainwashing of Basic Training, nothing is worse than the idea of starting all over again with another six weeks of physical exhaustion, shouting, mind-games, smelly weirdos and the worse food ever.

I'm not ususally seen as a leader, but depending on what the situation needs, I step in if I think a leader is needed and no one else has. In the back of that truck I did. I don't think I said anything, no rousing speech like in the movies. Maybe I balked at what the Drill Sergeant had said to one or two of the guys. And when we got to the grenade training course, I felt at an advantage having been through it before. The first time I was intimidated by the sports reference the tester made, saying, "you who think you are baseball all-stars will have to learn a new technique for these babies!" I always assumed the weird worlds of sports and teams were beyond me, and that I was missing some vital secret handshakes and unspoken passwords that guys exchanged in locker rooms and at The Game. The physical and athletic challenges of Basic Training scared me plenty.

But something else canceled out the fear on that day, and I aimed to show these Drill Sergeants that we weren't losers. We wouldn't be recycled. Hauling ourselves out the back of that rusty old transport truck, we went through the various stations of the course in twos.

We threw grenades into a target area, like a huge dartboard layed flat in a field. We had to pull the pin and throw our little pineapple shaped firecraker so that it landed inside the ring layed out as the "Go" area. When my buddy took his first throw, I checked the Drill Sergeant wasn't watching--so I could pop up to see where his grenade landed. Sometimes I could peer around a crack in our "cover" which we'd been told we must stay well behind and under (because in combat we could get or heads blown off!" When I thought I could get away with it, I'd steal a glance at his throw so I could coach him to improve his next throw.

We had bunkers to blow, shouting, "Fire in the Hole" first. I felt silly like I was playing army or pretending to be in a Rambo movie. We had a telephone wire kinda rope strung out in front of us, probably 15 feet in the air. We had to get the grenade over it for a "Go" on that station.

A weird thing was happening. I was so enjoying helping these other guys that I didn't have time to be nervous myself. The buzz of putting one over on the Drill Sergeants gave me a thrill and my confidence bred success and more success. My buddies and I sailed through the course, qualified and ready to join our squads as equals again. We may have been underdogs, but we were not Re-Cycles!