Three Questions

Integrity Date:

Hungry, Angry Lonely Tired (Sick, Sad, Stressed, Scared & Shameful)

When tempted, ask myself what am I feeling?
What can I do to meet the need?

Hunger, relational or spirit hunger
Anger: confrontation, exercise/physical release

come up with an action plan before-hand for most common ones.

When I feel hungry, I need to ___________________________________ .

Does God want "enjoyment" from my experience with sex?

How can I align my sense of my need in sex with God's requirements

prayer, does that help?

Another Army Dream

actually, another Basic Training Army dream:

It started as a college dream. I went to sit down on the first day of the school year. I had a feeling of unease. Something wasn't quite right. I started wondering whether I was in the right classroom, the right course. Then I remembered that this was a class I'd taken before (the dreaded Calculus, my only near failure).

Then things all changed, as they do only in dreams. I was going 'round the different stations and queues on an Army base getting issued all my army gear and clothes. I stopped to put on my boots and realized I'd left my whole pile of gear unguarded (a no-no in the Army!) The drill seargents had thrown some of the stuff up in the trees or something.

The next while of the dream was me going through a maze trying to get all the army gear, loosing my place and getting lost. Finally there was a woman who accused me of being responsible for her young child being missing. She said her child had gone with Xyz (My youngest Son's name) and that's why it was my fault. I immediately challenged her because I knew that my son wasn't there and couldn't have had anything to do with hers. While this exchange was happening something between my legs grew to the size of a real leg, pointed straight out and erect. I poked her with it (not overly hard or an a sexual way, everyone's clothes were on). Then I woke up.

Encouraging Words

... tonight in our church small group meeting:

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart, 14 I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile."

Counelor's Questions #2

Write a few sentences about your relationship with Sex growing up. What did I learn good, bad? What did I bring about my relationship with Sex from childhood into adulthood?

Now ask the same questions replacing sex with #1, Mom, #2, Dad, #3 God.

Sex
My relationship to sex growing up was overshadowed by shame, guilt and taboo. 90% of the time it wasn't discussed. I became obsessed with it early on. Chronc masterbation, instead of being a phase of puberty became a permanet part of my daily existence. I learned loads of good things about technique, but I came to experience orgasm as a consumer and as a temporary treatment to a permanent hunger. As an adult I've learned to not be ashamed or guilty about sex, and I've learned (at least in my head) that sex is about celebrating my marriage and it's about mutual giving rather than one-sided taking.

God
The first word that comes to mind when I think about my understanding of God as a chld is, "catholic" which means untreatable guilt and God as a big scarey guy watching from far away, just waiting to hit me with a lightning-bolt for making a mistake. I did get that God and Jesus are one, and that Jesus died on the cross--and that it is very important that He did. I've brought into the present a difficult imagining God being close, intimate and really interested in me.

Dad
My relationship with my Father as a child had been my biggest problem growing up. I think I really minded him not being encouraging and emotionally available. The fact that he wasn't around much for me after he divorce really dominated my memories of my childhood relationship with him. My Dad expresses love by giving money and sometimes time, but not open converstion and never emotionally. I always wondered deep-down whether he really love(ed,s) me accept(ed,s). I think I buried my anger at him, maybe because if I expressed it I was afraid I'd never get that love or acceptance or closeness I so needed. Good things I got from my relationship with him include a love for my family, a dedication to providing a good life for my family, and leadership in many ways including fun in the home! I brought into my adulthood an akwardness about being close and open with my father, a nervousness and "need" to please and be affirmed by him.

Mom
My relationship with my mother...

Some nights easy, some hard

So there have been nights when I turned over only somewhat peeved and annoyed (and of course there have been plenty of nights--more, even--when she's graciously given to me such that I turned over satisfied and relaxed).

Still, last night was night number two. She talked about her slightly obsessive health worries. I listened and touched her caringly. But I was surprised and pissed to find that none of her touching was leading toward being sexual. As I boiled and stewed over the fact that it was gonna be another 24 hours (at least!) I realized I'm going out of town soon and so that'll be another "No". I wanted to say to her, "Well, you won't have to be romantic Thursday night either!" As if she doesn't want to have anything to do with me really. poor me.

I feel physical pressure and wonder if I'm being tempted to release it, only because I screwed up and came on my own on Sunday (see counter reset after a record 140 days!). I downloaded a full length movie and made the mistake of watching it, thinking I could keep from coming. Stradling the line is dangerous and not helpful. Ohhhh, mistakes mistakes mistakes.

Slept shitty and am gonna try to not be distant and pissed at her. I could hold a grudge and say, "screw it, I don't need sex tonight or tomorrow either!" But that won't prove or help anything. We're having a night in together, so I want to be good and stuff while not insisting on anything.

Relational Anorexia Questionnaire

If you answer with 5 or more yeses, then get help:



1. Withholding love from spouse at times.



2. Withholding praise or appreciation from spouse.



3. Controlling with slient treatment, anger or both.



4. Ongoing or ungrounded criticism.



5. Withholding sex from spouse.



6. Unwillingness or inability to discuss feelings with spouse.



7. Staying busy that there is little or no relationship time.



8. Making problems or issues about the spouse instead of taking responsibility.



9. Controlling or shaming spouse.



My answers were: 1. N (previously yes) 2. Y (less often now) 3. Y (much less often now) 4. N . 5. N 6. Y (rarely) 7. Y (less often now) 8. N 9. N



How about you?

Wishes...

She wishes that there was something else besides sex that really made me smile, that I got a lot of enjoyment out of. She's absolutely right, I can't think if anything else. I'd prefer to make it so I can get more enjoyment from sex, thus getting the satisfaction and enjoyment. I should lower my expectation toward sex and start appreciating other things in life. I'd rather get more from sex really. I wanna keep my screwed up ways. I stubbornly want my sickness to work. But that's not gonna happen. What do I want for a special birthday? A day of sex, of course! Okay, but what else?... Ummm.. She'd like to go on a walk out in nature. (I'm just wondering if that'll help to get her in the right place to enjoy sex more--quality time, etc.).
I gotta give up, let go. Again.... Still.....

I wasn't this obsessed and single-mided back when I was Masturabting and viewing porn. Things have gotten worse as I've took on the fight to see them get better.

Father, Son?

I had a new thought the other day. What if I calld my Dad to talk about what I'm going through? Not from the perspective of his involvement/blame/fault. Just for someone to listen. I imagine he's too busy or not interested, but maybe he would be if I'd ask. I imagine him trying to give some advice, getting me to see the bright side and maybe even an encouragement for hanging in there.


Hmmm. wonder if I'll give that a try.

Something to discuss with counselor

What "need" is okay? I seem to find myself feeling a deficit if she hasn't wanted to make love to me for a week or so (regardless whether we've gone through the motions or not). It's like I have this expectation for good sex to fill a need to be intimate, to connect, to be needed and wanted and desired. Is that okay? Is it uhealthy and asking for too much or the wrong thing from her and our lovin'? I know it's okay to have needs and sex and affection is there to meet some needs. But which ones?

Insatiable

It doesn't matter how often and how recently (after a few hours) it's been since sex, I'm ALWAYS wanting it. If we're home together and she's getting dressed, I'm getting dressed, or the kids are not around--It's going through my head that I want it, that we could do it, and that she doesn't want to. I know she's not interested. But I want it anyway. I could think about how no other husband, married for over 10 years and with children stands a chance of "getting any" in these situations. No other man is married to a "freak" or "nymphomaniac".

What a great fantasy, a nymphomaniac who's always 'gagging for it'. Sounds like heaven. Would I never feel sad because I'd always be in a state of sexual euphoria? Would I never be angry because I'd be on the edge of orgasm from morning to night? Would I never be bored because I'd always be smiling from the best feeling in the entire universe? Hmmm.

Hmmm. I know there is something addictive going on here where nothing will ever be enough. If I had an all-day-long B.J., I'd be happy as a pig in shit. But then the next week I'd be wishing for something even better. It doesn't make for a satisfying and enjoyable life to be isolated from everyone and everthing, all for the sake of one pleasure. Besides the fact that it's completely narcistic and self-absorbed.

Reality, again

I'm aware that I seem to be waking up and finding myself angry sometimes (even if we've DONE IT the night before). And sometimes I wake up and am not angry (even if we've NOT DONE IT the night before). So this is good if anger is detaching itself from sex and orgasms. An orgasm doesn't guarantee I won't be angry. Very refreshing if not having an orgasm doesn't guarantee that I WILL be pissed off too.

It doesn't make me so mad that she's not spontaneous. I think I might be accepting the fact that dressing sexy just isn't her. I can ask her to do this or that, she might even agree. But it's not what she wants to do. I'm very fortunate for our great love-life. We are both orgasmic and enjoy sex plenty. It's not like I only get it one night a week or on special occasions. She never uses sex to try to control or manipulate.

So here I sit, aonther time with the kids out and it's just the two of us at home together. She's ironing and either unaware of me thinking of how we could do it now, or she's just not interested. Sighhhhh. Porn has given me so many scenarios, so many unrealistic and male-centric fantasies. It' takes women (in reality, not in porn) a lot of time to get turned on. They have to be in the right frame of mind, with no distractions, They don't want to if they might be walked-in on. There are dozens of reasons why it's unlikely that we'll have a quickie or that she'll really enjoy making love at an unusual place or time. Be thankful. Accept it. Get over it. Count your blessings, dude!

Counseling?

I'm thinking of getting in touch with a counselor. He's in the States, but I know he works over the phone. I understand that the healing is my responsibility, and I need to have goals of what I want to get out of the endeavour, but I think this guy will be more directive than the last.

What background information would I give him?

What's changed since I last saw a counselor?

* I can sleep (most nights) without an orgasm

* I've been away an entire week, in hotel rooms with Porn, and managed to not orgasm!

* I'm not usually angry all day, when dissapointed about not getting what I want (sexually)

* A few times I've been really angry and tempted, but I realized (in the middle of the struggle) what was actually going on

there must be more...

Sex Idol

I had the first experience which I recognized to be as satisying as sex this weekend. It was a conversation with my son. He was feeling bad about himself and frustrated. I think I saw what might be going on and tried to encourage him to not give up and try to view things with some hope. I'm not sure how much he believed what I said, but I believe it was significant and right. I felt useful and satisfied having made a difference.

It's good to see first hand that sex isn't everything and that there are other ways to feel good. God is a bigger and better god than Sex.

Counting, counting, counting

I felt angry and dissapointed when I came home from being out of the country for several days. I was pissed that her missing me and being glad to see me didn't translate to being horny enough to want sex every possible moment, several times a day. I would really like to be able to stop counting how often we do it, how many days we go "without"

RollerCoaster Ride

Last night was another first. Staying here in France, with their sexy terrestrial TV, I’d turned it off to go to sleep. But after about thirty minutes of lying there, I reached over to the remote and turned the TV on again.

There was a familiar face, Emmanuel. It was a softcore porn movie series that I’d watched as a teenager. I fought between rubbing myself but wanting to hold on and not orgasm. I struggled and told myself that if I cum I’ll have to confess it and reset my counter on HA blog. I was closer than I’d ever been, it could have happened several times, but somehow I managed to hold back. Another shitty night of sleep. Damn, that’ll make it harder tonight too.

But I can think back at it as giving me confidence and good experience that I can stop, and more importantly I’m not suffering from “blue-balls” I’m not helpless. It’s seemed like a rollercoaster that once I get to the top, there’s too much momentum and too much gravity and speed to do anything but get that solo release.

Healthy Process

Away from home, in a hotel room with fast internet and no one to catch me. Lonely and tired (some key triggers/warning signs) and on day three I did follow a dodgy link and see some strip-tease video clips. I checked this blog and reminded myself how many days I've achieved.

I remembered how the release would feel good, but I'd have many more bad feelings surpassing a few good ones. I thought about having to come clean and admit it to her, accountability friends.

Next day started even worse as I was accidentally woken at 4am (distant timezone and text messages--bad combination). Now I was horny and tired and ANGRY! I video chatted my beloved, wanting very badly to get her into a situation where I could leer at her sexiness and have the okay to M.

Of course she'd never want to do that. It's just another way for me to use her to carry out my old unhelpful ways. Burying the anger. I managed to not say anything and kept my hands off myself too! Biggest encouragement to me is realizing this proccess while it was going on.

Fight Fight Fight

86 days since last M (New Years Day, I remember it well).

I've been in a hotel for three days now. Lonely and horny are dangerous adjectives for my fight. It worked well asking the hotel to turn off the Pay-Per-View tv in my room, but of course I still am online with a fast internet connection. I've been great so far, but last night followed a few links on Digg which took me to viral video sites where I watched some unhelpful clips. Still struggling, but it's more difficult now.

Just Skype'd with my bride and wanted to ask her to show me her body and give me the okay to masterbate. That was the strongest that urge has been so far. But I could see that was just using her and I imagined a little how she'd feel. Pisses me off that she thinks about so many other things besides being sexy or my sexuality. Dammit those fantasies.

Now it's 5:30am here and I am feeling drawn to find sexual release. Remembering that may well not help me get to sleep anyway, but will definitely be wrong and make me feel bad in several ways (even if slightly good in one small way). All this trip I've been thinking to myself, "I really don't even want to masturbate". Well, I do now.

I am aware that I'm pissed off beacause I can't sleep and everything that I think about is filtered thru that anger. The work day ahead, the traveling afterward, my horniness. I don't wanna look on the bright side and see that I'll be able to make love to my wife in another 24 hours, I'd rather focus on how I can't have an orgasm now, how much I'd like one, how easy it would be, how unfair it all seems. I'm extra aware of my senses and feeling drawn to pacify them (hunger, horniness) as a response to my anger. It's not as simple as that. My anger and my horniness are very intertwined. It's impossible to separate my feeling of aloneness from the rest.

What title for this post?...... I better not search images.google.com for something to go with it as I am feeling very tempted to go in the wrong directions for images and movie clips. Damn!!!! Fight Fight Fight

Loneliness & real feelings

Loneliness isn't just a social or relational problem solved by surrounding ourselves with people.

It can be a reaction to pain.

I'm thinking about perfection. Maybe I've hidden in my escape partly because I couldn't be perfect enough to get what I needed from my father. Why do I expect my children to be perfect? Is it because I thought I just might manage it with my parents?

Let's get to feelings instead of theories and ideas. I feel doubtful of my value, competence. Removing my drug and coming back from fantasy, I pick up right where I left off as a child when this cycle started:

Who am I?
What's my purpose?
Where do I fit in?
Am I significant, am I useless?

Nobody Does it Daily, learn, learn!

'ya know in War Games when the hero has suggested that to avert the computer from starting WW3 by showing it that in a full scale nuclear war there are no winners? Go-G0-Gadget says, "Learn, dammit, Learn!" That's how I feel, except my brain is the stupid computer and the addiction is nuclear war.

Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily!

Last night was one of those nights when I had a clear memory of a few nights when we "did it" but one of us wasn't really very interested (guess who!). I dind't want another one of those nights, so we went through night #2 with... nothing. Another instance of doing the right thing, and suffering for it. Shitty sleep last night. Pissed off.

One good thing, I'm clearer that it's not her fault than ever. I don't really think she should "do me" , I just wish she would.

Sex isn't everything

So, lately I've been waking up angry. I assume there's been no sex and that's the cause for my anger. Then I remember that (often) I did have sex the night before. So, why am I mad this time?

Weird!