Some nights easy, some hard

So there have been nights when I turned over only somewhat peeved and annoyed (and of course there have been plenty of nights--more, even--when she's graciously given to me such that I turned over satisfied and relaxed).

Still, last night was night number two. She talked about her slightly obsessive health worries. I listened and touched her caringly. But I was surprised and pissed to find that none of her touching was leading toward being sexual. As I boiled and stewed over the fact that it was gonna be another 24 hours (at least!) I realized I'm going out of town soon and so that'll be another "No". I wanted to say to her, "Well, you won't have to be romantic Thursday night either!" As if she doesn't want to have anything to do with me really. poor me.

I feel physical pressure and wonder if I'm being tempted to release it, only because I screwed up and came on my own on Sunday (see counter reset after a record 140 days!). I downloaded a full length movie and made the mistake of watching it, thinking I could keep from coming. Stradling the line is dangerous and not helpful. Ohhhh, mistakes mistakes mistakes.

Slept shitty and am gonna try to not be distant and pissed at her. I could hold a grudge and say, "screw it, I don't need sex tonight or tomorrow either!" But that won't prove or help anything. We're having a night in together, so I want to be good and stuff while not insisting on anything.

Relational Anorexia Questionnaire

If you answer with 5 or more yeses, then get help:



1. Withholding love from spouse at times.



2. Withholding praise or appreciation from spouse.



3. Controlling with slient treatment, anger or both.



4. Ongoing or ungrounded criticism.



5. Withholding sex from spouse.



6. Unwillingness or inability to discuss feelings with spouse.



7. Staying busy that there is little or no relationship time.



8. Making problems or issues about the spouse instead of taking responsibility.



9. Controlling or shaming spouse.



My answers were: 1. N (previously yes) 2. Y (less often now) 3. Y (much less often now) 4. N . 5. N 6. Y (rarely) 7. Y (less often now) 8. N 9. N



How about you?

Wishes...

She wishes that there was something else besides sex that really made me smile, that I got a lot of enjoyment out of. She's absolutely right, I can't think if anything else. I'd prefer to make it so I can get more enjoyment from sex, thus getting the satisfaction and enjoyment. I should lower my expectation toward sex and start appreciating other things in life. I'd rather get more from sex really. I wanna keep my screwed up ways. I stubbornly want my sickness to work. But that's not gonna happen. What do I want for a special birthday? A day of sex, of course! Okay, but what else?... Ummm.. She'd like to go on a walk out in nature. (I'm just wondering if that'll help to get her in the right place to enjoy sex more--quality time, etc.).
I gotta give up, let go. Again.... Still.....

I wasn't this obsessed and single-mided back when I was Masturabting and viewing porn. Things have gotten worse as I've took on the fight to see them get better.

Father, Son?

I had a new thought the other day. What if I calld my Dad to talk about what I'm going through? Not from the perspective of his involvement/blame/fault. Just for someone to listen. I imagine he's too busy or not interested, but maybe he would be if I'd ask. I imagine him trying to give some advice, getting me to see the bright side and maybe even an encouragement for hanging in there.


Hmmm. wonder if I'll give that a try.

Something to discuss with counselor

What "need" is okay? I seem to find myself feeling a deficit if she hasn't wanted to make love to me for a week or so (regardless whether we've gone through the motions or not). It's like I have this expectation for good sex to fill a need to be intimate, to connect, to be needed and wanted and desired. Is that okay? Is it uhealthy and asking for too much or the wrong thing from her and our lovin'? I know it's okay to have needs and sex and affection is there to meet some needs. But which ones?

Insatiable

It doesn't matter how often and how recently (after a few hours) it's been since sex, I'm ALWAYS wanting it. If we're home together and she's getting dressed, I'm getting dressed, or the kids are not around--It's going through my head that I want it, that we could do it, and that she doesn't want to. I know she's not interested. But I want it anyway. I could think about how no other husband, married for over 10 years and with children stands a chance of "getting any" in these situations. No other man is married to a "freak" or "nymphomaniac".

What a great fantasy, a nymphomaniac who's always 'gagging for it'. Sounds like heaven. Would I never feel sad because I'd always be in a state of sexual euphoria? Would I never be angry because I'd be on the edge of orgasm from morning to night? Would I never be bored because I'd always be smiling from the best feeling in the entire universe? Hmmm.

Hmmm. I know there is something addictive going on here where nothing will ever be enough. If I had an all-day-long B.J., I'd be happy as a pig in shit. But then the next week I'd be wishing for something even better. It doesn't make for a satisfying and enjoyable life to be isolated from everyone and everthing, all for the sake of one pleasure. Besides the fact that it's completely narcistic and self-absorbed.

Reality, again

I'm aware that I seem to be waking up and finding myself angry sometimes (even if we've DONE IT the night before). And sometimes I wake up and am not angry (even if we've NOT DONE IT the night before). So this is good if anger is detaching itself from sex and orgasms. An orgasm doesn't guarantee I won't be angry. Very refreshing if not having an orgasm doesn't guarantee that I WILL be pissed off too.

It doesn't make me so mad that she's not spontaneous. I think I might be accepting the fact that dressing sexy just isn't her. I can ask her to do this or that, she might even agree. But it's not what she wants to do. I'm very fortunate for our great love-life. We are both orgasmic and enjoy sex plenty. It's not like I only get it one night a week or on special occasions. She never uses sex to try to control or manipulate.

So here I sit, aonther time with the kids out and it's just the two of us at home together. She's ironing and either unaware of me thinking of how we could do it now, or she's just not interested. Sighhhhh. Porn has given me so many scenarios, so many unrealistic and male-centric fantasies. It' takes women (in reality, not in porn) a lot of time to get turned on. They have to be in the right frame of mind, with no distractions, They don't want to if they might be walked-in on. There are dozens of reasons why it's unlikely that we'll have a quickie or that she'll really enjoy making love at an unusual place or time. Be thankful. Accept it. Get over it. Count your blessings, dude!

Counseling?

I'm thinking of getting in touch with a counselor. He's in the States, but I know he works over the phone. I understand that the healing is my responsibility, and I need to have goals of what I want to get out of the endeavour, but I think this guy will be more directive than the last.

What background information would I give him?

What's changed since I last saw a counselor?

* I can sleep (most nights) without an orgasm

* I've been away an entire week, in hotel rooms with Porn, and managed to not orgasm!

* I'm not usually angry all day, when dissapointed about not getting what I want (sexually)

* A few times I've been really angry and tempted, but I realized (in the middle of the struggle) what was actually going on

there must be more...

Sex Idol

I had the first experience which I recognized to be as satisying as sex this weekend. It was a conversation with my son. He was feeling bad about himself and frustrated. I think I saw what might be going on and tried to encourage him to not give up and try to view things with some hope. I'm not sure how much he believed what I said, but I believe it was significant and right. I felt useful and satisfied having made a difference.

It's good to see first hand that sex isn't everything and that there are other ways to feel good. God is a bigger and better god than Sex.

Counting, counting, counting

I felt angry and dissapointed when I came home from being out of the country for several days. I was pissed that her missing me and being glad to see me didn't translate to being horny enough to want sex every possible moment, several times a day. I would really like to be able to stop counting how often we do it, how many days we go "without"

RollerCoaster Ride

Last night was another first. Staying here in France, with their sexy terrestrial TV, I’d turned it off to go to sleep. But after about thirty minutes of lying there, I reached over to the remote and turned the TV on again.

There was a familiar face, Emmanuel. It was a softcore porn movie series that I’d watched as a teenager. I fought between rubbing myself but wanting to hold on and not orgasm. I struggled and told myself that if I cum I’ll have to confess it and reset my counter on HA blog. I was closer than I’d ever been, it could have happened several times, but somehow I managed to hold back. Another shitty night of sleep. Damn, that’ll make it harder tonight too.

But I can think back at it as giving me confidence and good experience that I can stop, and more importantly I’m not suffering from “blue-balls” I’m not helpless. It’s seemed like a rollercoaster that once I get to the top, there’s too much momentum and too much gravity and speed to do anything but get that solo release.

Healthy Process

Away from home, in a hotel room with fast internet and no one to catch me. Lonely and tired (some key triggers/warning signs) and on day three I did follow a dodgy link and see some strip-tease video clips. I checked this blog and reminded myself how many days I've achieved.

I remembered how the release would feel good, but I'd have many more bad feelings surpassing a few good ones. I thought about having to come clean and admit it to her, accountability friends.

Next day started even worse as I was accidentally woken at 4am (distant timezone and text messages--bad combination). Now I was horny and tired and ANGRY! I video chatted my beloved, wanting very badly to get her into a situation where I could leer at her sexiness and have the okay to M.

Of course she'd never want to do that. It's just another way for me to use her to carry out my old unhelpful ways. Burying the anger. I managed to not say anything and kept my hands off myself too! Biggest encouragement to me is realizing this proccess while it was going on.

Fight Fight Fight

86 days since last M (New Years Day, I remember it well).

I've been in a hotel for three days now. Lonely and horny are dangerous adjectives for my fight. It worked well asking the hotel to turn off the Pay-Per-View tv in my room, but of course I still am online with a fast internet connection. I've been great so far, but last night followed a few links on Digg which took me to viral video sites where I watched some unhelpful clips. Still struggling, but it's more difficult now.

Just Skype'd with my bride and wanted to ask her to show me her body and give me the okay to masterbate. That was the strongest that urge has been so far. But I could see that was just using her and I imagined a little how she'd feel. Pisses me off that she thinks about so many other things besides being sexy or my sexuality. Dammit those fantasies.

Now it's 5:30am here and I am feeling drawn to find sexual release. Remembering that may well not help me get to sleep anyway, but will definitely be wrong and make me feel bad in several ways (even if slightly good in one small way). All this trip I've been thinking to myself, "I really don't even want to masturbate". Well, I do now.

I am aware that I'm pissed off beacause I can't sleep and everything that I think about is filtered thru that anger. The work day ahead, the traveling afterward, my horniness. I don't wanna look on the bright side and see that I'll be able to make love to my wife in another 24 hours, I'd rather focus on how I can't have an orgasm now, how much I'd like one, how easy it would be, how unfair it all seems. I'm extra aware of my senses and feeling drawn to pacify them (hunger, horniness) as a response to my anger. It's not as simple as that. My anger and my horniness are very intertwined. It's impossible to separate my feeling of aloneness from the rest.

What title for this post?...... I better not search images.google.com for something to go with it as I am feeling very tempted to go in the wrong directions for images and movie clips. Damn!!!! Fight Fight Fight

Loneliness & real feelings

Loneliness isn't just a social or relational problem solved by surrounding ourselves with people.

It can be a reaction to pain.

I'm thinking about perfection. Maybe I've hidden in my escape partly because I couldn't be perfect enough to get what I needed from my father. Why do I expect my children to be perfect? Is it because I thought I just might manage it with my parents?

Let's get to feelings instead of theories and ideas. I feel doubtful of my value, competence. Removing my drug and coming back from fantasy, I pick up right where I left off as a child when this cycle started:

Who am I?
What's my purpose?
Where do I fit in?
Am I significant, am I useless?

Nobody Does it Daily, learn, learn!

'ya know in War Games when the hero has suggested that to avert the computer from starting WW3 by showing it that in a full scale nuclear war there are no winners? Go-G0-Gadget says, "Learn, dammit, Learn!" That's how I feel, except my brain is the stupid computer and the addiction is nuclear war.

Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily!

Last night was one of those nights when I had a clear memory of a few nights when we "did it" but one of us wasn't really very interested (guess who!). I dind't want another one of those nights, so we went through night #2 with... nothing. Another instance of doing the right thing, and suffering for it. Shitty sleep last night. Pissed off.

One good thing, I'm clearer that it's not her fault than ever. I don't really think she should "do me" , I just wish she would.

Sex isn't everything

So, lately I've been waking up angry. I assume there's been no sex and that's the cause for my anger. Then I remember that (often) I did have sex the night before. So, why am I mad this time?

Weird!

Anger, another expression

Angry about the way things have gone at work. Interesting the way this comedian talks about wanting to kill himself and thought, "I'll show 'em!". That's exactly how I felt.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bbaRyDLMvA

And Craig is interviewed and comments on his monologue:

The Point

What's the point of talking about how I feel when I know my feelings are all wrong. If I talk about it my behaviour will be exposed as silly at best, self-absorbed at worst--forcing me to change. So a good reason to not talk is that I want to stay in the pouting place that I'm in!

What's the point of talking when there's no answers? It somehow helps, just a little, to talk.

I so wish she'd fuck me. But I don't want her to just do it either.

I woke up very horny. I wanted to so much. But she was asleep. I fought witht the desire and the ideal that it's one-sided. The Angel on my shoulder won over the devil. I'm still horny.

Good Lap Time

Last night was the first time I had sexual pleasure right in front of me, but I knew it was detached and was not as it really should be. I decide to do what was right (rather than what I wanted) and yet I had some good feelings!

Let's imagine what God might say, taking into account what I know He's like:

"Well done! I know how difficult that was for you. That was such a big step! I'm so proud of you. It's getting easier, isn't it? It will continue to get easier and better. Hang in there. I'm with you every step of the way. It was great you going several months "clean" but this is even better!"

There's no way pushing my wants can work. If she reists then I get nothing. If she agrees then either she's pissed off or she's detached. My fantasy for her to be "gagging for it" is impossible. Gotta stop 'cause no matter what, it ain't happenin.

Grrrrrr!

Lots of exclamation marks lately. I'm fed up. I'm fed up of saying, "Shall we go to sleep?" and feeling absolutely appauled and incredulous that she so flippantly says, "okay".

I'm fed up that I've not yet forgiven and moved on. I can't forget how many days running it's been since she's wanted me (Even if she's compromised and gone through the motions anyway).

I'm fed up that I can walk home and be thoughtful and think of her (fix a flat on her bike) but satisfying me sexually isn't something she can slot into her busy schedule. I feel like a 10 year old, "stupid, stupid, stupid!!!!". I feel like she'd rather do anything except make love to me. Grrrrr! I know I'm the one who's wrong. Just like I was wrong a few months ago wishing she'd "do me" a quickie at an innapropriate time or inconvenient place. Give me a few more months and I'll be seeing her at lunchtime and not really minding. F***! F***! F***ing! F***!!!!

I was on my way to buy a snickers and somehow I changed my mind and came here and wrote this instead. Somehow this is better. Creative and cathartic, not heaping guilt or more shame.