Praying in Anger

On my way home last night I was livid. I knew it was too late to have much a chance for sex. (Even less a chance for love-making). I glanced at a few girls dressed for the heatwave which is raging in more ways than one. I thought, "There's no where I can go!" I can't go home to feel better. I can't masturbate (it won't help), we're both too tired for lovemaking, and there's no where I can go to get it. I've just gotta accept it and get used to it. Be Here Now--that saying is for the good times and the painful ones.

So I sorta poured these venomous feelings at God. It wasn't a humble or polite prayer. It wasn't thankful or at all religious.

I got home and when the moment of truth arrived (because I always hold out some hope, silly me!) I had predicted correctly that we were too tired to make love. But her body language was telling me that she'd let me "have sex with her". I don't know what I was thinking and feeling, but I just turned over to go to sleep instead. I actually decided to abstain from an orgasm! That's happened a handful of times, but it's still very significant for me.

I'd like to be able to say that I rolled over and immediately went to sleep. What I had just done sent lots of thoughts and feelings pulsing and rushing through me. Even though I was as exhausted as I'd been for a long time, I found myself wide awake again. It took me a while to get to sleep, but at least I didn't go downstairs for a fix of comforting food or sense-numbing TV or even worse... porn and sexual relief.

In the night I dreamed that I ate a blueberry muffin which was contaminated in some odd way. As a result I had these tiny white worms inside my body. I remember trying to pull one loose from my anus, but it was attached to tightly and it was too slippery. freaky-yucky.

Chemicals of Love

see Happiness Hypothesis

Another Brick in the Wall & He Speaks!

I'm stirring 'round my subconscious and memories about my Dad. Forgiveness isn't just a one-off decision or proclamation. It's a process that I'm going through. I want to forgive and let go right now, but I think it just takes time.

You know those slapstick movie scenes where the hero is trying to do something like put together some a toy or furniture or something? You know how the frustration and anger is funny? Well, it wasn't funny when the next-door neighbor's dog was barking and Barking and BARKING while I had one of these moments.

I got so angry, I knew that if I had a gun I'd happily shoot that $£%~@"%! dog in a second!

Well, a thought occurred to me as a reult. I remembered a time when I was a kid and my Dad was angry like this. I remembered it again from a different perspective and it was a little bit of forgiveness and healing.

So, I opened a Bible again (a rarity for me) and I thought, "God, I suppose you won't show me something here, 'cause I don't read this enough". The chapter we were lookin' in was Phillipians 4 and this familiar verse was what I noticed. It's easy to overspiritualize it and say, "See, God directed me to this verse and brought it to life for me in my situation" but that doesn't come accross very genuine.

Light, the Good & Powerful

When you're ready, when your strong enough (or maybe when you're weak enough!)... take a chance and admit what's really going on inside you.

In Biblical terms it's about "Bringing it into the Light"

I told her what was in the back of my mind. I risked putting her off, I gave up my little plan to hold on to this crap.

Well, since then... I've had the first day (for three years) after not having sex when I was completely free of anger or resentment.

Also important to this was that within a few days we had a great evening with another couple where I got a chance to just absorbe something deep about how a loving relationship really looks. I'm an influencable person, so it does me a lot of good to just be around people who are modeling good stuff.

Worhips Me, Worship You

What is the obsessive imagery and symbolism of oral sex?

The visual of her kneeling at my feet, it's as if she is worshipping me (my sexuality, my potence and power) says something.

On the other hand I remember some of my earliest journal writings showing how I wanted "Her" to meet all my needs and make me whole.

So, I want her to worship me, kinda, on my own sexual terms.
I can't have her as my goddess and me be her god too.

Best if I let God be God and her be her and me be me.

What's the Point?

When you're choosing to do the right thing, and it's painful and lonely...

...everything seems empty and futile.

The happiness you felt a few days ago may as well have been last year.

Mourning; a list

Listening to the podcast by Blazing Grace ministries, I heard a good suggestion by one of the hosts/counselors which was to list out and mourn the things you missed. Then you can forgive and heal and even be thankful for the ways God's taken the bad and used it for good in your own personality. (note to self ---explain this better)

• Dad didn't come to my army basic-training graduation
• He wasn't there for me in the formative teenage years (sex talk, etc.)
  
• He didn't affirm me, pat me on the back or listen to me
  
• He didn't defend me from teasing and taunting in the family
  

He didn't teach me much about life or being a man.

resetting the thermostat

The book "Saying Goodbye to Stubborn Sin" has a good analogy of habits and addictions. Our thermostat gets set too high, and we can't live with the same "temperature" (of boredom, anger, horniness, whatever) as we used to.

Resetting the thermostat isn't as easy and finding it and turning the dial a little tho. We can only reprogram it over time by changing our actions. Little by little it gets easier and the pressure is eased. It's like if you've been failing a course all year, trying to bring up your average isn't easy. If it took you a while to entrench that habit/addiction, it'll take time to dig it out and get rid of it.

There's a lot of metaphors here, but if you dug yourself a hole, you gotta stop digging, decide to do an about-face, and start filling the hole in! That sounds like work (frustrating work)... and it is.

Connections and Sparks

Listening to some podcasts from Blazing Grace, I heard the phrase, "connections" and it reminded me of how that's what I wanted from my Dad, and looked for in all relationships ever since.




I even stepped over the line once as a Samaritan volunteer. There was a particularly cleverly manipulative caller who I allowed to trick me into an uncomfortable situation. I respected the people and the organization way too much to not think seriously about the encounter. I learned more about myself from this situation than anything else for a year before or after. Why did I find it so hard to be firm against her manipulation? Now I can see that the connection had a huge draw for me.

It's easier to find a loud and quick connection through the eyes in all the sexualized stuff on the internet and the rest of the media all around. It's tempting to go for the "easy" and quick rather than the strong and deep.

I know God is the answer but I hesitate... Do I not trust Him? Am I angry and sulking? It's so easy to get distracted and move on to something else. All the while my life is ticking away.

I could keep zapping myself with images and bolts of counterfit stuff, going 'round and 'round with emptiness and numbness. The connections aren't working though. They seemed to be fine, but there's no avoiding that there are negative side effects.

To get anywhere, I need to get up and leave behind the stuff that seems so easy and familiar, stretching out for something more subtle and elusive.

Attitude, emotions and reality

One of the first glimmers of hope and light that cracked through this porn/masturbation was the idea that I might have a very longstanding problem connected to "trapped emotions". This was the beginning of a long and winding journey--the way I react to negative emotions, the way I see myself and the way I see God.

Trapped emotions do go back to the start of my problem.

So I don't want to squash and deny my emotions.
But how do I process them in a healthy way?

Experimenting means I sometimes end up spending too much time wallowing in my pain.
Embracing the sadness and pain has a ring of truth and reality that seems to be "Good News" even to the Church itself. But there's gotta be a time to move on.

Moving on, isn't that just squashing my emotions again?

Attitude!

That's a helpful way to look at it. I can watch and change my attitude, while learn my way through these messy confusing emotions.

Check and adjust your attitude. Conquer and rule your attitude, without squashing or denying those emotions. Yes there is sadness and pain. Yes it's a part of you. But you are in charge and your attitude decides how much space to give to your feelings and when to listen to them and when to say, "okay, time to look ahead".

Thanks to Russ from Attitudes of Sexual Integrity for so much help and support in this process.

Childish Ways

I heard about "self parenting" from the guy who first introduced me to the concept of "trapped emotions".

I've not been able to find much about it on the internet, but it seems like a kid who's left to raise himself to some degree comes up with his own boundaries and self-imposed rules. Not ideal. I can remember bragging and joking that "my bedtime is 2am, unless I'm having a good time"--that was on a school night.

Is it because I'm letting out these teenage emotions that I'm justifying giving myself what I want (orgasm, food, etc.) now? I've never seen myself as having any succeses with discipline, but otherwise this self-parenting is hitting me like a L.S.D. flashback because it's buried down there with all these emotions. Taking away the drug of Masturbation is exposing it all again.

Wrong Drug for the Pain

So, a BJ is great, but it doesn't address the pain. A lunchtime quickie is wonderful, but it doesn't make me better. Of course an emptier one-sided orgasm is definitely of no use.

A great singer/songwriter named Samantha Murphy said in one of her interviews that before she could give up smoking, she had to learn to sit in the middle of an empty room alone and in pain, and just experience it. That's been very helpful for me to hear.

Two Confessions

I confess that I've been giving into eating junk food to ease the pain of me not having my porn/masturbation drug. There, I've said it here. Next I need to say it to someone who knows me and is close to me. I think my wife is more understanding of my problem with porn than she is with food!

Got a "No" for the last 48 hours. Maybe my attitude contributed to it. But last night I knew she didn't want to, and selfishly thought if I push it I'll feel bad knowing it's wrong. With porn I could pretend "she" wanted it as much as me. The naemless/faceless beauty always seemed so keen. But with my real relationship, my much-better bride and lover, that was not the case.

So I made the right choice to roll over. I was so tired, so sleepy after working in the backyard most of the weekend. Still, I wanted IT more than sleep. When I rolled over I felt these emotions wash over me: anger, resentment, sadness. I wan't sleepy anymore.

My mind is telling me that I should feel good and have an orgasm even out of context of a loving and intimate time with her. I've sorta brainwashed myself with all these images of instant and always ready bj's.

Choosing to masturbate doesn't work because it leaves me empty and sets off a chain reaction of guilt and pain.

Pushing her to pleasure me or let me use her to "maturbate" is wrong as well. I don't want to use her as one of those male sex-aid masturbation things. She's not a receptacle for my needs. Besides, it delays the hard work of facing my loneliness or pain or frustration, making it harder to face it next time. It isn't good for our relationship because it's using her and is kinda bringing her into my masturbation life. I can kid myself that maybe as I get turned on touching her that maybe, maybe she'll get turned on and we'll make love "properly". But I know she doesn't want to give out really.

Third and last choice. Not feeling good. Not having an orgasm. Triggering the anger and sadness and maybe missing the orgasmic feelings that help me sleep nicely. One thought that came from the last time I made this, the good third choice is.....

"I will never experience an orgasm easily again."

I mean never again quickly.

The porn movie where a rich guy sits around all day with one of his love-slaves taking turns blowing him... That was so unhelpful. Wanting a BJ in the middle of the day, a quickie is just B.S.

The kids are upstairs playing and I know they'll be happy and they won't disturb us downstairs. That's plenty of time.... to masturbate. Problem is, it's not enough time to make love. My brain goes crazy trying to rationalize a way to hope and manipulate and wish this isn't true.

Red Lizzard the Parasite

There must be a good analogy of a parasite that attaches itself to someone invisibly.

Then as it grows, the fact that it's stealing your life starts to show.

A really smart parasite will monitor itself and try to stay under the radar.

But when you declare war, when you go under the knife to get this parasite removed....

Then the parasite knows it's war. It pulls out all the stops and does anything and everything it can to get you to leave it alone.

I am not aware of unrealistic expectations toward my wife in our sex life. But now that I've declared war against this parasite, I'm wanting more and more from her. While porn was allowed to live in it's own little box, the lies were nurturing and growing unseen.

I don't believe that I really have screwed up my sexual expectations, but it's like the Japanese knowing they were about to loose the war, so they pulled out all stops and sent out the kamikaze pilots. It's too late for the addiction to try to stay under the radar. The war is now raging. I'm not gonna give up and I'm not gonna accept anything but death of this parasite. Yeah, I stumble and I get tired. I'm gonna give my kids some leadership show them a life of sexual freedom.

Taking a Little Less

Last night was a "No". I was getting frustrated with just going thru the motions and thought it was time for a break. I was laying there thinking, "It sucks that we don't do it in different places, different times, and that she never thinks of dressing for sex".

See I had accepted that it made sense to not make love tonight, but the whiney teenager just found something else to complain about. I was able to see this at the time, which is another vast improvement.

So today I thought, what would be the Biblical reverse attitude here? The attitude boils down to:

• selfish (selfless)
• taking (giving)
• holding on (letting go)
• and wanting control (yielding).

Black Hole

This addiction is really a bottomless pit.

I'm pushing, wanting demanding so much.

When she doesn't want to, when she's not "in that place"


I lower my standards and try for whatever I can get.

At this point, I'm going down the road of selfish and putting sex where it shouldn't be (like a drug).

Because after I've been graciously given an orgasm, I am left feeling guilty (cause I know I shouldn't have "taken" it) and I still feel cross and empty--now the excuse is that she, "Didn't want me".

So, lovemaking is there to make me feel wanted, but when I can't have it properly and I push for "the act" I'm still not feeling "wanted".

This doesn't really make any sense.

Normal/Healthy vs. LongTerm Side-Effects

All the trendy teaching about masturbation echoes how it's harmless, normal.

I remember Dr. Ruth giving a caveat I've heard plenty of times, "as long as masturbation does not effect relationships with people".

Well, it's taken me decades to see that my habitual masturbation does effect my relationship with my wife. These effects never showed until I tried to stop! As long as I had the option of taking matters into my own hands, our sex life and communication was great. But under the surface there was a growing and strengthening thing which burst out of me into our love life, and all aspects of our relationship.

As long as I didn't try to kill it, things were fine and seemed normal. Now that I'm crucifying it, it is lying and screaming and kicking like a spoilt selfish brat: "What about me!" "I want!" "I need!" "Me, Me, Me!".

God is good and things are better than ever. Problem is expecting it to be easier or faster.

GOD!!! Why?!!!

Why does me gaining weight hurt my chances for lovin',
but me eating right and/or losing weight not seem to help?

Why does me being "bound" usually screw up our chances to be close...
but me being "free" not have much affect on our intimacy?

Anything less than perfection knocks down the jenga tower,
but a good move, getting it right, still often results in nothing.

And is this painful place the only place where I can find healing? Is all the rest of my life just treading water?

Porn Exposed

Just listened to the XXXChurch.com podcast where they interviewed Ron Jeremy. Great the way they are friends with this guy. They disagree on many things, but accepting him and listening to him can make more differences (even eternal ones!) than winning any argument ever could do.

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If they interview me for their show, what could I offer to others going through fighting this addiction? What have I learned? Can I bring any insight to anyone? Hmmm.... (stay tuned)

1 John 2:17-19

Spending some time on their site, listening to three different people in the "industry" really is a good way to view the girls as girls (someone's daughter, someone's sister) rather than meat.

It kinda breaks the magic of the fantasy when you think of the girl going home to her crappy apartment and trying to raise her daughter as a single mom, with the pressures of the addictive and exploitive environment. Plus porn has been shifting to more and more shocking and abusive stuff. Not titilating, not even about sex, more about humiliation and misogynism. Helps when wanting to stop needing/liking it and "hate the sin".

unraveling a few more threads...

...of the lie. little by little.. eventually....

Weird how I can want to hold on to my anger more than let go and enjoy real "proper" intimacy. Last night I was still cross about her not wanting to make love (for two nights running!). This was another day, but rather than moving on I felt it necessary to let her know that I'm not quite happy. How childish! I'm not supposed to dictate how she feels and acts towards me. I have no right to manipulate her into behaving the way I wanter her to!

For me, porn has given me an appetite for sexual stuff without the emotional work. Sometimes, especially when I'm angry, I just want to feel good without having to be real or get close. It's strange cause that's really what I want most: proper intimacy. But I kid myself thinking that I just want the orgasm and prefer the cheap version of sex.