78 Days and Counting...

So I'm approaching 3 months "clean". Again.... It's been loads easier, easier than ever before.

Getting more stuck-in at work has helped more than I can say. But after a shitty night sleep, I am finding it hard to dive into work. I keep wanting to turn to something easier. Something that I can consume rather than engage and give to. Hmmmmm.....

think and feel thru the pain

I just got back from lunch. I was cheezed that I had to roll over dissatisfied last night (not irate, not seething, just peeved). But I slept shitty. I woke up annoyed (rather than insensed).

Had the car and found myself "treating" myself to a KFC at lunchtime rather than eating the sandwich I'd made. So I reward myself for having not slept well with a less-than healthy meal.




Health check:
not sleeping well: bad

eating junk food: bad

This is that 11 year old "self parenting" again. That's not decision-making that would stand up to the scrutiny of discussion and opennness (It's my secret, which kinda gives me a buzz, at least I feel in control of something!).

It seems such a shock and so unfair to not get an orgasm, not get sleep, and say no to myself about a nice lunch as well!

But looking at this while refusing to ignore consequenses of my actions means a different thing altogether. I'm over forty. I gotta think about my health. If I choose to punish my body with junk food every time I don't sleep well, I'll likely suffer more health problems in time!

So do I want to give myself a treat at the cost of some fat in my diet? Do I want to self-medicate even when considering the long-term effects? (gaining weight)

This needs some thought, I need to be "in my right head" next time I sleep shitty.

I've been thinking lately how much I gravitate towards rules and policies and legalistic ways in silly stuff in my life. Mealtime with kids. Do I really think I can setup some rules and then walk away and not need to hassle with conflict and avoid any frustrations?

I know I can, I know I can, I know I can!

It's great to be freer. It's great to not have such negative or powerful thoughts bouncing through my head when I'm faced with not getting some.


I still have the thoughts (not quite voices), but they don't carry that punch anymore. I woke up horny today, a bit frustrated that I couldn't do anything about it.. But my mind moved on pretty quickly.





What happens when I screw up? The other day I forgot I had turned on the bath and it flooded the bathroom, and even dripping down through to the ceiling and into the kitchen! How do you process the facts of a screw-up? I want to ignore it and move on without even taking onboard.



When I crashed my new vehicle as a teenager, I wanted to bury myself in a hole. I wished I could have un-born myself. It was like my view of myself is linked to what other people think, and I remember imagining neighbours driving by our house and seeing my truck with the roof crushed. I'd imagine them thinking what a looser I must be. That threatened me with the idea of actually being a looser!

So, it's okay to screw up. It's okay to make a mistake (Being perfect isn't gonna earn me his love and making mistakes aren't gonna cause me to loose His). I don't have to follow my drive of habit to run away from the facts of my mistakes. I don't have to quickly bury them. It's okay. She can be angry or upset or dissapointed. Emotions are okay (hers and mine).

So Much Better

Where to start? My "Tank" is so much fuller than it has ever been. I would like to say it is directly from God, and that I'm learning to go to him daily to keep fresh and full. But it's work. My job had gone stagnant. My own psyche had suffered far more than I realized. I got some new responsibilities and now am not "needing" sex!

I stil want it a lot, but the pressure and intensity and head-crap has no intensity compared to before. My perspective is so much better. My peace is back!

The other significant element was me doing some writing. Something creative, something expressive and good and even theraputic.

(^8

Thank you Jesus!

Essay titled "Grenade Re-Cycle"

For me Army Basic Training is a blur of mostly bad memories: frustration, fear, sleepiness & loneliness. It was my first time away from home and my family. I was eighteen. But amidst all the trauma, I can remember getting into the back of that truck with 1/2 a dozen others very clearly. We had been through the grenade qualification training, but failed. The drill sergeant commented on this to the driver, "These losers flunked the training grenades. Everybody else in the battalion passed, but we gotta make a special trip back to the range for them. I think they'll flunk again. They look like ReCycles to me."

It hurt to have been spoken to like that. But something else rose inside me after his quips.I was angry for them, my fellow trainees. I didn't even know the names of all these guys from various squads and companies. But when that drill sergeant spoke about us, in my mind, we became a unit--bound together as underdogs, unified to pass this course and avoid the hell-like fate of Recycling! When you're in the prison-like brainwashing of Basic Training, nothing is worse than the idea of starting all over again with another six weeks of physical exhaustion, shouting, mind-games, smelly weirdos and the worse food ever.

I'm not ususally seen as a leader, but depending on what the situation needs, I step in if I think a leader is needed and no one else has. In the back of that truck I did. I don't think I said anything, no rousing speech like in the movies. Maybe I balked at what the Drill Sergeant had said to one or two of the guys. And when we got to the grenade training course, I felt at an advantage having been through it before. The first time I was intimidated by the sports reference the tester made, saying, "you who think you are baseball all-stars will have to learn a new technique for these babies!" I always assumed the weird worlds of sports and teams were beyond me, and that I was missing some vital secret handshakes and unspoken passwords that guys exchanged in locker rooms and at The Game. The physical and athletic challenges of Basic Training scared me plenty.

But something else canceled out the fear on that day, and I aimed to show these Drill Sergeants that we weren't losers. We wouldn't be recycled. Hauling ourselves out the back of that rusty old transport truck, we went through the various stations of the course in twos.

We threw grenades into a target area, like a huge dartboard layed flat in a field. We had to pull the pin and throw our little pineapple shaped firecraker so that it landed inside the ring layed out as the "Go" area. When my buddy took his first throw, I checked the Drill Sergeant wasn't watching--so I could pop up to see where his grenade landed. Sometimes I could peer around a crack in our "cover" which we'd been told we must stay well behind and under (because in combat we could get or heads blown off!" When I thought I could get away with it, I'd steal a glance at his throw so I could coach him to improve his next throw.

We had bunkers to blow, shouting, "Fire in the Hole" first. I felt silly like I was playing army or pretending to be in a Rambo movie. We had a telephone wire kinda rope strung out in front of us, probably 15 feet in the air. We had to get the grenade over it for a "Go" on that station.

A weird thing was happening. I was so enjoying helping these other guys that I didn't have time to be nervous myself. The buzz of putting one over on the Drill Sergeants gave me a thrill and my confidence bred success and more success. My buddies and I sailed through the course, qualified and ready to join our squads as equals again. We may have been underdogs, but we were not Re-Cycles!

self-inflicted abstaining?

How long will I keep this up? She was pretty tired the night before last. I'd had a "good run" of nights of lovin'. So I said goodnight and rolled over.

Didn't sleep great, but not too bad. Next night I got the idea to try to

a) not try for sex again

while

b) not having an attitude or pouting about it.

I think I did okay. Now I'm wondering if I can keep it up for a few more days. When our friend went on a mid-week breat without their kids, she reminded me that we'd be having more sex than them! I shouldn't be spiteful, but... "Ha!!!!" maybe not!!!

I gotta work to not withdraw from her during this exercise. I should still be affectionate--if not overly sexual. It's about thinking of her needs and not trying to manipulate or express my frustration in a round-about way.

I've managed abstinence alright when I'm away (hotel porn doesn't help tho). So a handful of days shouldn't be a problem. It's a lie that I "need" sex almost daily. I can be kind to her at the same time that I'm not getting it. Can't I?

It kinda feels good to have this challenge which I stumbled into. Kinda cool to flex these muscles of self-control and selflessness. I pray I can keep going the way I started out here!

blah

It's Fathers' Day. So the addicted part of me is looking to get rather than give. Of course the sweet homemade card the kids made me isn't really what I was hoping for. Neither is the t-shirt she bought me from the mega store where she goes shopping every week. How do I feel? Bitter, angry, cheated. The kids were out for a little while and I decided to not broach the subject of "some lovin'" because I knew she can't get into it in that time-frame. She wouldn't get any enjoyment out of it. She'd prefer to do whatever else. And I decided to not ask her to be so giving to me.

If I wait for her to get the idea to do something out of the ordinary as far as lovin' goes, will it ever happen? When will we "do it" somewere else, at a different time? God will you give me the strength to give that up and over to you. Then if it never happens I can be happy and okay.

I'm gonna try to not take out my anger on her tonight, try to have a good attitude and think about her. Wonder if I'll be able to not try for sex and do those things at the same time.

Three Questions

Integrity Date:

Hungry, Angry Lonely Tired (Sick, Sad, Stressed, Scared & Shameful)

When tempted, ask myself what am I feeling?
What can I do to meet the need?

Hunger, relational or spirit hunger
Anger: confrontation, exercise/physical release

come up with an action plan before-hand for most common ones.

When I feel hungry, I need to ___________________________________ .

Does God want "enjoyment" from my experience with sex?

How can I align my sense of my need in sex with God's requirements

prayer, does that help?

Another Army Dream

actually, another Basic Training Army dream:

It started as a college dream. I went to sit down on the first day of the school year. I had a feeling of unease. Something wasn't quite right. I started wondering whether I was in the right classroom, the right course. Then I remembered that this was a class I'd taken before (the dreaded Calculus, my only near failure).

Then things all changed, as they do only in dreams. I was going 'round the different stations and queues on an Army base getting issued all my army gear and clothes. I stopped to put on my boots and realized I'd left my whole pile of gear unguarded (a no-no in the Army!) The drill seargents had thrown some of the stuff up in the trees or something.

The next while of the dream was me going through a maze trying to get all the army gear, loosing my place and getting lost. Finally there was a woman who accused me of being responsible for her young child being missing. She said her child had gone with Xyz (My youngest Son's name) and that's why it was my fault. I immediately challenged her because I knew that my son wasn't there and couldn't have had anything to do with hers. While this exchange was happening something between my legs grew to the size of a real leg, pointed straight out and erect. I poked her with it (not overly hard or an a sexual way, everyone's clothes were on). Then I woke up.

Encouraging Words

... tonight in our church small group meeting:

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart, 14 I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile."

Counelor's Questions #2

Write a few sentences about your relationship with Sex growing up. What did I learn good, bad? What did I bring about my relationship with Sex from childhood into adulthood?

Now ask the same questions replacing sex with #1, Mom, #2, Dad, #3 God.

Sex
My relationship to sex growing up was overshadowed by shame, guilt and taboo. 90% of the time it wasn't discussed. I became obsessed with it early on. Chronc masterbation, instead of being a phase of puberty became a permanet part of my daily existence. I learned loads of good things about technique, but I came to experience orgasm as a consumer and as a temporary treatment to a permanent hunger. As an adult I've learned to not be ashamed or guilty about sex, and I've learned (at least in my head) that sex is about celebrating my marriage and it's about mutual giving rather than one-sided taking.

God
The first word that comes to mind when I think about my understanding of God as a chld is, "catholic" which means untreatable guilt and God as a big scarey guy watching from far away, just waiting to hit me with a lightning-bolt for making a mistake. I did get that God and Jesus are one, and that Jesus died on the cross--and that it is very important that He did. I've brought into the present a difficult imagining God being close, intimate and really interested in me.

Dad
My relationship with my Father as a child had been my biggest problem growing up. I think I really minded him not being encouraging and emotionally available. The fact that he wasn't around much for me after he divorce really dominated my memories of my childhood relationship with him. My Dad expresses love by giving money and sometimes time, but not open converstion and never emotionally. I always wondered deep-down whether he really love(ed,s) me accept(ed,s). I think I buried my anger at him, maybe because if I expressed it I was afraid I'd never get that love or acceptance or closeness I so needed. Good things I got from my relationship with him include a love for my family, a dedication to providing a good life for my family, and leadership in many ways including fun in the home! I brought into my adulthood an akwardness about being close and open with my father, a nervousness and "need" to please and be affirmed by him.

Mom
My relationship with my mother...

Some nights easy, some hard

So there have been nights when I turned over only somewhat peeved and annoyed (and of course there have been plenty of nights--more, even--when she's graciously given to me such that I turned over satisfied and relaxed).

Still, last night was night number two. She talked about her slightly obsessive health worries. I listened and touched her caringly. But I was surprised and pissed to find that none of her touching was leading toward being sexual. As I boiled and stewed over the fact that it was gonna be another 24 hours (at least!) I realized I'm going out of town soon and so that'll be another "No". I wanted to say to her, "Well, you won't have to be romantic Thursday night either!" As if she doesn't want to have anything to do with me really. poor me.

I feel physical pressure and wonder if I'm being tempted to release it, only because I screwed up and came on my own on Sunday (see counter reset after a record 140 days!). I downloaded a full length movie and made the mistake of watching it, thinking I could keep from coming. Stradling the line is dangerous and not helpful. Ohhhh, mistakes mistakes mistakes.

Slept shitty and am gonna try to not be distant and pissed at her. I could hold a grudge and say, "screw it, I don't need sex tonight or tomorrow either!" But that won't prove or help anything. We're having a night in together, so I want to be good and stuff while not insisting on anything.

Relational Anorexia Questionnaire

If you answer with 5 or more yeses, then get help:



1. Withholding love from spouse at times.



2. Withholding praise or appreciation from spouse.



3. Controlling with slient treatment, anger or both.



4. Ongoing or ungrounded criticism.



5. Withholding sex from spouse.



6. Unwillingness or inability to discuss feelings with spouse.



7. Staying busy that there is little or no relationship time.



8. Making problems or issues about the spouse instead of taking responsibility.



9. Controlling or shaming spouse.



My answers were: 1. N (previously yes) 2. Y (less often now) 3. Y (much less often now) 4. N . 5. N 6. Y (rarely) 7. Y (less often now) 8. N 9. N



How about you?

Wishes...

She wishes that there was something else besides sex that really made me smile, that I got a lot of enjoyment out of. She's absolutely right, I can't think if anything else. I'd prefer to make it so I can get more enjoyment from sex, thus getting the satisfaction and enjoyment. I should lower my expectation toward sex and start appreciating other things in life. I'd rather get more from sex really. I wanna keep my screwed up ways. I stubbornly want my sickness to work. But that's not gonna happen. What do I want for a special birthday? A day of sex, of course! Okay, but what else?... Ummm.. She'd like to go on a walk out in nature. (I'm just wondering if that'll help to get her in the right place to enjoy sex more--quality time, etc.).
I gotta give up, let go. Again.... Still.....

I wasn't this obsessed and single-mided back when I was Masturabting and viewing porn. Things have gotten worse as I've took on the fight to see them get better.

Father, Son?

I had a new thought the other day. What if I calld my Dad to talk about what I'm going through? Not from the perspective of his involvement/blame/fault. Just for someone to listen. I imagine he's too busy or not interested, but maybe he would be if I'd ask. I imagine him trying to give some advice, getting me to see the bright side and maybe even an encouragement for hanging in there.


Hmmm. wonder if I'll give that a try.

Something to discuss with counselor

What "need" is okay? I seem to find myself feeling a deficit if she hasn't wanted to make love to me for a week or so (regardless whether we've gone through the motions or not). It's like I have this expectation for good sex to fill a need to be intimate, to connect, to be needed and wanted and desired. Is that okay? Is it uhealthy and asking for too much or the wrong thing from her and our lovin'? I know it's okay to have needs and sex and affection is there to meet some needs. But which ones?

Insatiable

It doesn't matter how often and how recently (after a few hours) it's been since sex, I'm ALWAYS wanting it. If we're home together and she's getting dressed, I'm getting dressed, or the kids are not around--It's going through my head that I want it, that we could do it, and that she doesn't want to. I know she's not interested. But I want it anyway. I could think about how no other husband, married for over 10 years and with children stands a chance of "getting any" in these situations. No other man is married to a "freak" or "nymphomaniac".

What a great fantasy, a nymphomaniac who's always 'gagging for it'. Sounds like heaven. Would I never feel sad because I'd always be in a state of sexual euphoria? Would I never be angry because I'd be on the edge of orgasm from morning to night? Would I never be bored because I'd always be smiling from the best feeling in the entire universe? Hmmm.

Hmmm. I know there is something addictive going on here where nothing will ever be enough. If I had an all-day-long B.J., I'd be happy as a pig in shit. But then the next week I'd be wishing for something even better. It doesn't make for a satisfying and enjoyable life to be isolated from everyone and everthing, all for the sake of one pleasure. Besides the fact that it's completely narcistic and self-absorbed.

Reality, again

I'm aware that I seem to be waking up and finding myself angry sometimes (even if we've DONE IT the night before). And sometimes I wake up and am not angry (even if we've NOT DONE IT the night before). So this is good if anger is detaching itself from sex and orgasms. An orgasm doesn't guarantee I won't be angry. Very refreshing if not having an orgasm doesn't guarantee that I WILL be pissed off too.

It doesn't make me so mad that she's not spontaneous. I think I might be accepting the fact that dressing sexy just isn't her. I can ask her to do this or that, she might even agree. But it's not what she wants to do. I'm very fortunate for our great love-life. We are both orgasmic and enjoy sex plenty. It's not like I only get it one night a week or on special occasions. She never uses sex to try to control or manipulate.

So here I sit, aonther time with the kids out and it's just the two of us at home together. She's ironing and either unaware of me thinking of how we could do it now, or she's just not interested. Sighhhhh. Porn has given me so many scenarios, so many unrealistic and male-centric fantasies. It' takes women (in reality, not in porn) a lot of time to get turned on. They have to be in the right frame of mind, with no distractions, They don't want to if they might be walked-in on. There are dozens of reasons why it's unlikely that we'll have a quickie or that she'll really enjoy making love at an unusual place or time. Be thankful. Accept it. Get over it. Count your blessings, dude!

Counseling?

I'm thinking of getting in touch with a counselor. He's in the States, but I know he works over the phone. I understand that the healing is my responsibility, and I need to have goals of what I want to get out of the endeavour, but I think this guy will be more directive than the last.

What background information would I give him?

What's changed since I last saw a counselor?

* I can sleep (most nights) without an orgasm

* I've been away an entire week, in hotel rooms with Porn, and managed to not orgasm!

* I'm not usually angry all day, when dissapointed about not getting what I want (sexually)

* A few times I've been really angry and tempted, but I realized (in the middle of the struggle) what was actually going on

there must be more...

Sex Idol

I had the first experience which I recognized to be as satisying as sex this weekend. It was a conversation with my son. He was feeling bad about himself and frustrated. I think I saw what might be going on and tried to encourage him to not give up and try to view things with some hope. I'm not sure how much he believed what I said, but I believe it was significant and right. I felt useful and satisfied having made a difference.

It's good to see first hand that sex isn't everything and that there are other ways to feel good. God is a bigger and better god than Sex.

Counting, counting, counting

I felt angry and dissapointed when I came home from being out of the country for several days. I was pissed that her missing me and being glad to see me didn't translate to being horny enough to want sex every possible moment, several times a day. I would really like to be able to stop counting how often we do it, how many days we go "without"

RollerCoaster Ride

Last night was another first. Staying here in France, with their sexy terrestrial TV, I’d turned it off to go to sleep. But after about thirty minutes of lying there, I reached over to the remote and turned the TV on again.

There was a familiar face, Emmanuel. It was a softcore porn movie series that I’d watched as a teenager. I fought between rubbing myself but wanting to hold on and not orgasm. I struggled and told myself that if I cum I’ll have to confess it and reset my counter on HA blog. I was closer than I’d ever been, it could have happened several times, but somehow I managed to hold back. Another shitty night of sleep. Damn, that’ll make it harder tonight too.

But I can think back at it as giving me confidence and good experience that I can stop, and more importantly I’m not suffering from “blue-balls” I’m not helpless. It’s seemed like a rollercoaster that once I get to the top, there’s too much momentum and too much gravity and speed to do anything but get that solo release.

Healthy Process

Away from home, in a hotel room with fast internet and no one to catch me. Lonely and tired (some key triggers/warning signs) and on day three I did follow a dodgy link and see some strip-tease video clips. I checked this blog and reminded myself how many days I've achieved.

I remembered how the release would feel good, but I'd have many more bad feelings surpassing a few good ones. I thought about having to come clean and admit it to her, accountability friends.

Next day started even worse as I was accidentally woken at 4am (distant timezone and text messages--bad combination). Now I was horny and tired and ANGRY! I video chatted my beloved, wanting very badly to get her into a situation where I could leer at her sexiness and have the okay to M.

Of course she'd never want to do that. It's just another way for me to use her to carry out my old unhelpful ways. Burying the anger. I managed to not say anything and kept my hands off myself too! Biggest encouragement to me is realizing this proccess while it was going on.

Fight Fight Fight

86 days since last M (New Years Day, I remember it well).

I've been in a hotel for three days now. Lonely and horny are dangerous adjectives for my fight. It worked well asking the hotel to turn off the Pay-Per-View tv in my room, but of course I still am online with a fast internet connection. I've been great so far, but last night followed a few links on Digg which took me to viral video sites where I watched some unhelpful clips. Still struggling, but it's more difficult now.

Just Skype'd with my bride and wanted to ask her to show me her body and give me the okay to masterbate. That was the strongest that urge has been so far. But I could see that was just using her and I imagined a little how she'd feel. Pisses me off that she thinks about so many other things besides being sexy or my sexuality. Dammit those fantasies.

Now it's 5:30am here and I am feeling drawn to find sexual release. Remembering that may well not help me get to sleep anyway, but will definitely be wrong and make me feel bad in several ways (even if slightly good in one small way). All this trip I've been thinking to myself, "I really don't even want to masturbate". Well, I do now.

I am aware that I'm pissed off beacause I can't sleep and everything that I think about is filtered thru that anger. The work day ahead, the traveling afterward, my horniness. I don't wanna look on the bright side and see that I'll be able to make love to my wife in another 24 hours, I'd rather focus on how I can't have an orgasm now, how much I'd like one, how easy it would be, how unfair it all seems. I'm extra aware of my senses and feeling drawn to pacify them (hunger, horniness) as a response to my anger. It's not as simple as that. My anger and my horniness are very intertwined. It's impossible to separate my feeling of aloneness from the rest.

What title for this post?...... I better not search images.google.com for something to go with it as I am feeling very tempted to go in the wrong directions for images and movie clips. Damn!!!! Fight Fight Fight

Loneliness & real feelings

Loneliness isn't just a social or relational problem solved by surrounding ourselves with people.

It can be a reaction to pain.

I'm thinking about perfection. Maybe I've hidden in my escape partly because I couldn't be perfect enough to get what I needed from my father. Why do I expect my children to be perfect? Is it because I thought I just might manage it with my parents?

Let's get to feelings instead of theories and ideas. I feel doubtful of my value, competence. Removing my drug and coming back from fantasy, I pick up right where I left off as a child when this cycle started:

Who am I?
What's my purpose?
Where do I fit in?
Am I significant, am I useless?

Nobody Does it Daily, learn, learn!

'ya know in War Games when the hero has suggested that to avert the computer from starting WW3 by showing it that in a full scale nuclear war there are no winners? Go-G0-Gadget says, "Learn, dammit, Learn!" That's how I feel, except my brain is the stupid computer and the addiction is nuclear war.

Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily! Nobody Does It Daily!

Last night was one of those nights when I had a clear memory of a few nights when we "did it" but one of us wasn't really very interested (guess who!). I dind't want another one of those nights, so we went through night #2 with... nothing. Another instance of doing the right thing, and suffering for it. Shitty sleep last night. Pissed off.

One good thing, I'm clearer that it's not her fault than ever. I don't really think she should "do me" , I just wish she would.

Sex isn't everything

So, lately I've been waking up angry. I assume there's been no sex and that's the cause for my anger. Then I remember that (often) I did have sex the night before. So, why am I mad this time?

Weird!

Anger, another expression

Angry about the way things have gone at work. Interesting the way this comedian talks about wanting to kill himself and thought, "I'll show 'em!". That's exactly how I felt.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bbaRyDLMvA

And Craig is interviewed and comments on his monologue:

The Point

What's the point of talking about how I feel when I know my feelings are all wrong. If I talk about it my behaviour will be exposed as silly at best, self-absorbed at worst--forcing me to change. So a good reason to not talk is that I want to stay in the pouting place that I'm in!

What's the point of talking when there's no answers? It somehow helps, just a little, to talk.

I so wish she'd fuck me. But I don't want her to just do it either.

I woke up very horny. I wanted to so much. But she was asleep. I fought witht the desire and the ideal that it's one-sided. The Angel on my shoulder won over the devil. I'm still horny.

Good Lap Time

Last night was the first time I had sexual pleasure right in front of me, but I knew it was detached and was not as it really should be. I decide to do what was right (rather than what I wanted) and yet I had some good feelings!

Let's imagine what God might say, taking into account what I know He's like:

"Well done! I know how difficult that was for you. That was such a big step! I'm so proud of you. It's getting easier, isn't it? It will continue to get easier and better. Hang in there. I'm with you every step of the way. It was great you going several months "clean" but this is even better!"

There's no way pushing my wants can work. If she reists then I get nothing. If she agrees then either she's pissed off or she's detached. My fantasy for her to be "gagging for it" is impossible. Gotta stop 'cause no matter what, it ain't happenin.

Grrrrrr!

Lots of exclamation marks lately. I'm fed up. I'm fed up of saying, "Shall we go to sleep?" and feeling absolutely appauled and incredulous that she so flippantly says, "okay".

I'm fed up that I've not yet forgiven and moved on. I can't forget how many days running it's been since she's wanted me (Even if she's compromised and gone through the motions anyway).

I'm fed up that I can walk home and be thoughtful and think of her (fix a flat on her bike) but satisfying me sexually isn't something she can slot into her busy schedule. I feel like a 10 year old, "stupid, stupid, stupid!!!!". I feel like she'd rather do anything except make love to me. Grrrrr! I know I'm the one who's wrong. Just like I was wrong a few months ago wishing she'd "do me" a quickie at an innapropriate time or inconvenient place. Give me a few more months and I'll be seeing her at lunchtime and not really minding. F***! F***! F***ing! F***!!!!

I was on my way to buy a snickers and somehow I changed my mind and came here and wrote this instead. Somehow this is better. Creative and cathartic, not heaping guilt or more shame.

Rock Bottom?

So orgasms don't fix anything (mine alone, mine with her, even both of us together).

They make me feel good to some extent or other, but I'm feeling hollow and empty.

Seems every interaction in life just kicked off a chemical high. What's the point?

There must be more to life.

Lie Detector Tested?

Folks at Blazing Graces were talking about how polygraph (lie detector) can help with accountability. Weird, but I like when he pointed out that us addicts have to learn that lying doesn't work, it's like not paying your taxes. It'll eventually catch up with you.

on a personal note, on New Years', at about 2am, I found myself wide awake. I was in an unusual house that happened to have sattelite tv. I didn't realize that I was exaclty on 4 months since my last M, but I gave in. I'm glad to have told her the very next day and it was great to be see things accurately enough such that I wasn't expecting her reaction to be reallly negative (for a change). She's always great, but I usually am so overwhelmed with guilt and my own expectations that drives me away from being honest.

Mary Sharpe: "..makes us want to do it again because that’s part of dopamine’s reaction, it is very addictive and it promotes craving behaviours. Now unfortunately it’s not just craving the love it’s craving the dopamine and just like in many other aspects of addictive behaviours, it’s the dopamine we’re after, it’s not the chocolate cake, it’s not the gambling per se, it’s not even necessarily our love interest, it’s the fix or the hit we get from the dopamine." continued here

Everyone's Wired for Sexual Addiction

see article here

and

"Have you noticed that your "mea culpas" and your criticism of your bad behavior (or the worse behavior of others) have not helped to free you? This is because guilt and blame make sexual addiction stronger..."

and

"Masturbation, rather than truly satisfying, increases your aching longing for wholeness. Moreover you can easily become addicted to its short-term "comfort." Then, even when you have a partner, your routine can interfere. Even if you repeatedly exhaust yourself with physical stimulation it doesn't truly satisfy. It also sets off a sense of depletion or deprivation—for both men and women. When you masturbate regularly you may find interacting with others stressful. Yet your loneliness may drive you to seek more comfort in the form of addictive behaviors"

My own thoughts:

watching the videos on this website, I can't really identify with the "lows" after an orgasm, but I definitely see truth in so much of what they're saying. Before my orgasm yesterday, I really didn't care much about the idea of our mega cool first-in-a-lifetime vacation. I wasn't excited about it. I remember thinking, "I don't care about this holilday, I just want an orgasm". They describe the lows of dopamine withdrawal manifesting with feelings and thoughts like that.

It's true that after the orgasm I thought, "I wouldn't mind some more". That's the unhelpful bit of always wanting more, more, more.

So the antidote for dopamine is "prolactin" (which last for two weeks), but it's involved with lactating during pregnancy and period hassles.

Good News, getting better

So, let's make another "positive posting" as I usually come here to vent.

On the nights when we don't do it, I ususally wake up without a bad attitude toward her. I'm usually not steaming all day or pissed off at her for 24 hours.

I'm deciding to roll over and "tough it out" more often than ever before.

I'm "connecting" better with the family. More humor, more leadership in the home. Gotta be good. This is the vision that I live for--being a great Dad and building a quality home life for the family.

I'm eating less junk, and I've finally come clean and admitted this challenge to her.

I'm not expecting it every day--usually at least.

God is good.

Another One Bites The Dust

Somehow we made a deal. She's been bugging me for years to stop biting my fingernails. I've been telling her how great it would be to join the mile-high club.

She did it. She made the offer. If I can let my fingernails grow (which hasn't happened since I was a kid--25 years!) then she'll do it.

Hurayyy! I bought some of that stuff that you put on your nails that tastes horrible. I tried once and failed, but now that we're closer to our flight (and I'm making headway on other issues of discipline).. I'm doing it!

When she realized this, she started asking questions, expressing concern. What if we get caught? How do we both sneak into the toilet at the same time? What about the kids.

This has been one of those fantasies that I was holding onto. The "logic" is that if she wants to do it at an anusual place, at an odd time, then that must mean she REALLY WANTS Me. Fine, but I can't manipulate the situation to feel wanted by positioning my fantasy to happen! I want to feel loved, but it ain't gonna happen in that specific way that I want it. If I manipulate or push it, then it isn't freely chosen--and it doesn't end up being the fantasy.

So I was sitting in church and the idea came to me, "I'm gonna release her from this agreement". I felt good immediately. I knew this was the right thing to do. The fantasy wouldn't have worked out anyway, it'd have been a dissapointment.

Goals and Vision

They say one of the most important factors of winning in a battle against addiction is Vision. I capitalize VISION because it's really really important. As Russ from ASI said, "Being sober is not enough to live for". To get clean, we need a bigger cause, a more important purpose that we're going for. In order to get this monkey off your back, you gotta answer a bigger and deeper question: "what am I living for?". (masturbation and porn is not an answer that'll work, or haven't you noticed?)

I have been struggling and angry and feeling ripped-off every and any day that sex isn't happening. Things are getting better, so I decided I'd try to change my expectations to every other day. Sure, I can't demand. Sure, it doesn't work in such a mechanical and isolated manner as a 48 hour cycle. I wanna be flexible and aim to look at it relationally, but just in my own head I'm aiming to slow down my sexual clock a bit.

So, I'm trying to not expect it, trying to not even try for it except every other day. Normal people will think that'd be a great deal. (I'm sure most people don't get it weekly--not those who've been in a relationship ten years and have children at home). Still, I'm setting this goal to try to help me in expecting and demanding less.

Whahey, I'm almost 90 days clean! I looked at a movie clip the other night that I shouldn't have. I was home on my own and didn't feel like I had enough energy to do anything constructive, so I swapped between TV and clips on the internet. She was out for the evening, which must be recognized as a "trigger" in addict-speak. I slipped in what I watched, but I held firm in not firmly taking myself "in hand". Matter of fact I'm still orgasmless--and that was three days ago. Did my 2-4-1 deal make this any easier? Naaaa.

Pure Desire, by Ted Roberts

The addictive root usually is built around three issues:

Family disfunction
personal trauma
an addictive society

great book, so far I'd recommend it as highly as any other on the subject (higher than most).

Fathers Figure

"Even when the father is there, if he is distant, uninvolved, or abusive; the results can be the same. So why don't all male children in such circumstances turn to homosexuality (or other expressions of sexual brokenness*)?

One reason is the child with a strong personality will often adapt better than the shy and sensitive child (or will develop other destructive behavior)."


Taken from MetanoiaOnline.org * added by me.

Truth about the Pain

We're all here because of pain, we've made silly, ill informed and unwise (some times accidental) decisions because of pain.

Maybe your pain was horrible, maybe it was sexual abuse or physical beatings that I can't comprehend.

But my pain was the idea that I wasn't loved, which could have meant I was unloveable.

That pain wasn't really nearly as bad as the pain of all the mess that has piled up on the pain since then. Ironic

Good Dad Says

He said to me that I can stay in this lovely country, even though no one knew how.

this communicated how He is all-knowing and all-powerful, but most of all all-loving, good and generous!

He once said that I should not accept a job offer, because he had a better one for me.

this was significant for me discerning his voice and that "He knows the plans He has for me, plans to bless me, not to harm me"

More recently he said to me, "You're bigger than this" (temptation, struggle, addiction)

Giving me a gentle nudge to hold firm and not give in, reminding me of who I am and where I fit into the bigger scheme of things.

So, everytime He's talked to me, I've heard love and acceptance and generosity and care. So why can't I let go of my bitterness/anger toward my earthly father for his "failings"?

So last night in bed I rolled over livid and burning red-hot anger. It wasn't about sex, it was about control. I'd tried to do something for her that was meant to be kind and generous and a blessing. I guess insisting that someone accept your gift kinda goes against the whole spirit of giving.

Why was she being so stubborn?! Why wouldn't she just say yes?!

Have I really dealt with not getting my way from people by escaping to porn and masterbation or junk food?

Significance

We're looking for that feeling of completeness, wholeness. We settle for a bit of caffiene or some sugar or tv or a movie.

We think the pure true love of that one person will fill us up once and for all.

We secretly hanker after lots of little bits of distant "love" or adoration that supposedly comes with fame. Tom Hanks (for example) has a tiny bit of millions of people's good vibes. Does that make him more loved than you and me?

Does that kind of anonymous and disconnected affirmation actually count for anything? Think of Elvis or Michael Jackson. Think of Judy Garland or look into others who are touted as "real professionals" and who "love performing" so so much.

Listmania

Here are some

of the things

that trigger

thoughts of

sex:

underwear
nudity
scene at a gym

shower

her bending over

bikini
bed
touching
kissing
being alone together (not all the time anymore)

her kneeling

Voices in My Head: better

So from the last posting, things are the same in that we seem to be doing it less often now than a month or two ago. "NO ONE DOES IT DAILY!" (Yea!, or Fuckkkkk!). But on the other hand I look ahead to our schedule and think how shitty it is that we won't be able to do for far too many days (three! sometimes three!), and looking back it's not been quite as bad as I feared. Visiting pseudo relatives seems to sometimes get her in the mood (whereas I expected she'd be too tired when we finally got home & in bed). This was a great time when she was really "there" ( and I managed to not be "heavy" or pissed off). And ten minutes before I was pissed at her boring repetitive routine. It's so the opposite of being spontaneous. Then...

I think about how she never does anything about wearing anything different, hardly ever does it anywhere else. These thoughts don't have the same weight behind them, but still...

But... as these kinds of moans and whines go thru my head, I'm hearing something new and different which isn't usually present, "Yes, but look on the bright side." or "Yes but at least you can be thankful of..."

p.s. almost two months "clean". I need to keep this in mind when I have an afternoon/evening on my own tomorrow. Will I surf where I shouldn't? Will I secretly have a pizza?

R U Experienced?

My new mantra, "No One Does it Daily" is getting a lot of use as we have had a busy month, which means sex gets left behind, and ego-boosting lovemaking is missed too.

None last night, none the night before. I could look at the bright side and see how it was my decision to roll over, as she'd have been willing for me to have sex with her while she only participated in the smallest of ways. Great that I was strong and turned that down, but that's the second time that's happened in the last week and we have another string of busy days where our sexuality will probably fall off the edge of the list in favor of other "good things".

So this morning she put her arm around me and nuzzled, but then got up and got on with her big list of "good things". Now she's upstairs having a shower. Why do I imagine a quickie as she's up there naked? Why do I even entertain the idea of us doing it when I know damn well she wont'/can't get into it like that. If I think about it, I'd never expect any of my friends or neighbors to be so lucky with their real-life wives... But I have more experience and memories of porn situtation then I do of real and healthy and good ones.

Again, a shower is not an erotic situation, it's just a daily routine to get clean. Nudity does not mean sexual readiness, it's the stage between one change of clothes and another one. I'm feeling very negative, so what's something positive? The once a week of sex is really enjoyable and healthy and good. About once a month or so it's mind-blowingly satisfying in every way, usually for both of us. That's when we are "in tune" beforehand and connect in more ways than just physically.

Need Love and Gift Love

Evidently C.S. Lewis came up with these distinctions

Need Pleasure

& Appreciation Pleasure

too

brought to you by Ravi Zacharias.

check out the audio/podcast here.

so, I was designed to need? It's not a sign of weakness or unacceptable imperfection then?

Pleasures approved

• Anything that refreshes you without distracting your from your ultimate goal is fine.

(I'll say my ultimate goal is to be the best father I can be
-- first to my children then to whoever else Father gives me).

• Anything that jepordises the sacred right of another is not okay.
  

• Too much of a good thing will distort reality or destroy appetite.

Ravi Zacharias
talks about
"What is Worthwhile Under the Sun"

Sex Idol

So she was pretty pissed off all of yesterday, which I only really found out when we were lying in bed together--late. Somehow when that's the situation I automatically switch from demading selfish mode to selfless and caring mode. Then I rolled over and went to sleep without much hassle.

But after a strong memory of several days when I didn't "get any" recently, I'm pissed about tonight being a late night out for her. That's two in a row. Damnit! It goes through my head the idea of me saying to folks that I need to be home early and explaining that's the only way I can get sex. Just as ridiculous is for her to not go out or not stay out so late so we can not miss "doing it". Ridiculous. That's one sign of an addict--when the addiction squeezes out other parts of life. Idolising sex is when it's too important, takes over instead of a part of a healthy mix of life.

Usually when we miss a day or two, I start getting agitated. In order for our relationship to carry-on happily I need to relax and stay connected--not withdraw or pout. Should I go around chanting and reminding myself:

"Sex is not my right"

"No One Does it Daily"

Cold Shoulder

So last night I tried. I was coming from a place of being positive and focusing on her (I wasn't giving off bad vibes or using her). The night before she wanted me, and so there was sex. The whiney me now wants to say that the next night she didn't want me, so there wasn't sex. It's great that she felt she could say no to me. It sucked that she said no to me. When one of the kids coughed and coughed I went downstairs, using that as an excuse, but my count continues to climb. No M last night, although I wanted to. I'm not so cross at her as usual, wonder if that'll convert to sex tonight...

Another Week Goes By

So the counter continues to grow, I'm gettin' toward a month. Last night was the first night after her period ended, so I had expectations. But she was too tired. I went from sleepy to awake and mad in a matter of a fraction of a second.

I started to go downstairs, but was too tired. I mighta messed up my counter if I had, probably eaten needlessly.

I can't remember the last night when we didn't "Do It" when I didn't also sleep really shitty--including last night.

We were both home today (Saturday) while the kids were out playing. No one knew when they'd come home, and she doesn't get in the mood quickly or during the day, so I decided not to try. Five minutes later the first kid came home, so it wouldn't have worked anyway.

Aggghhh!

Mental Injury

can you still remember the first images of porn you saw as a young boy, even if it was decades ago? Then you need to "protect that wound" so it can be healed.