Uphill Battle, not infinite

So I was walking home today, thinking how it's her period and I'm finding it so much easier than a few months ago. I didn't wake up angry, haven't been obsessing. It's kinda like I've reached the summit of the hill, and now the momentum of reaping some better thought patterns is piling on top of other blessings. It's like I've finally pushed the boulder up the hill, and with some momentum it's really almost easy to keep it moving now that the ground is level. As much easier as it is now, it was the same situation compounded before--only difficulty made it more difficult. Bad vibes made it harder, and the fact that it was difficult made it more diffucult. Vicious circle and repetitively bad cycle. What breaks the cycle? Grace. Real love--both on my part and those close to my like my lovely bride.

Surrender, Escape, Death & Life

So the friend who sees me and gives me "pastoral support" every month or two asked me why I was doing so much better.

The usual are still true:

1. Persevering. (time doesn't heal all wounds, but combine time with a hard fight and you're gonna get there).

2. Honesty. (brutal, frightening and ever risky honesty)

I've had some fantasies and hopes that I have becomre more and more sure were hopeless (to be met at the door by her wearing nothing but maybe an overcoat, ready to throw it off and pounce on top of my like an animal in heat). I never wanted to bring these silly desires out into the light because I knew they were ridiculous. Well I've been doing it. It hurts when she chuckles and says that it'll probably never happen (DAMN!) but I think the fruit of that has been more freedom and peace.

I feel like the pain from the love I felt I didn't get from my father is not what drives me to porn and masturbation (M) anymore. Now it's more like boredom or simple loneliness or maybe horniness. If I'm thriving in my work, then it's almost easy. I'm sure there is still more in the layered process of forgiviness of my Dad, but it doesn't seem like it's a big deal right now. At first it was all about sex, then it was all about my dad. Now it's changed again. I'm not sure exactly what it's changed to, but it's different again. It's less. I can contemplate her not wanting to make love tonight (or right now or whatever) and not feel gutted and "it's not fair". I can roll over and go to sleep without feeling outraged and enraged. I can get up the next morning without being obsessed and usually go through the day quite normally too. I gotta work on the eating and comfort and control of junk food, but that's another story.

Dark & Light

I'm struggling today. I think I'm having a hard time getting motivated to really immerse myself in anything at work, and instead I keep viewing unhelpful short video clips.

I've came very close to M'ing in the last few days. I don't think it's a very strong deterrent, but the idea that my counter would be reset has helped so far (14 days doesn't express all the days I've been strong over the last few years, so I definitely don't want it to be reset again!).

I've started rereading my oldest posts here, hoping it will strengthen me to see how far I've come. I sure wish Russ would put out a new episode of ASI or the guys in Colorado would do a new show at BlazingGrace (see links on upper left side of this site). I've been seeing a mature christian for several years who gives me support, but there's nothing quite like hearing folks who've struggled with the same thing as you talk about the struggle and the wins.

We had a wonderful evening of lovemaking a few nights ago. So many of the superflous things that I fantasized or obsessed about happened all in that one night. It made my week and has been replaying in my memory since. One shadow thought that keeps echoing around my head afterwards is "Do you now feel loved?" and stuff like "So you knew you were loved before, right?" I have thought a little how its not quite making me feel good for as long as Id like.

Weird how different visual sexual images are in real life compared to porn and one-on-one situations. The most natural and best thing to do with your eyes in the most intense and majority of other times during lovemaking is to make eye contact with your lover. I want to look at my favourite parts of her, especially if she's wearing something that accentuates. But I'm aware that I'm kinda going off on my own to look at her and leaving her (and her eyes) behind. She doesn't mind, but it doesn't really further the real intimacy. I find myself drinking in her beauty and sexiness, then leaving it to return to her.

I've still got another window opened with a sexy movie clip. Okay, I've now closed it. I gotta remind myself that although it's enjoyable, it also gets me very turned on. That's both enjoyable and frustrating and unhelpful. It makes me want to go M. At best it can make me want to be demanding with her when we're together next. It's not right to get turned on from something else then want to cash in on it, with no regard for her wants and desires (like wanting to go to sleep, like desiring to not be sexual for a change). Plus seeing this dis-embodied sexual imagery kinda reinforces my desire for the visual stuff that I talked about in the last paragraph.

God, thanks for all the progress, but please help me yet again!

Rage and Restraint

I'm enraged right now. I shouted at the kids because of my anger more than their petty crime. I was fine until my bride asked me (along with the kids) "what do you want to do this afternoon". It took a split second for me to know my real answer, but I cleverly disguised it, hoping to still get my point across. "Kissing and hugging your Mom is what I wanna do, Boys". Her vote was to do some ironing.

I got the kids started on the computer, helped them out when they got stuck and played cars with the youngest one when he had enough. I was doing everything right. But the thought that I coudn't have what I wanted stayed with me. She noticed I wasn't quite right. It seemed pointless to admit all this, so I tried something different. I said maybe sometimes my mood just dips and the things that are going on don't really have anything to do with it. Nice theory, but I knew it wasn't true. She bought it and we moved on. I wasn't particularly fun at the evening meal. I remembered the book "Say Goodbye to Stubborn Sin" (see sidebar for link for more info.) saying about how our flesh cries out quickly and makes loads of excuses while the still small voice of the Spirit says little but carries a lot of wisdom. As everyone was deciding which dessert to chose, I knew that being pissed off was a time when I'd revel in some chocolate. So I decided to listen to that still small voice who said that it wouldn't satisfy and that I'd like to loose some weight, so why not make a wise decision right here and now rather than go for the comfort snack. I am feeling particularly angry and down, so comfort is more appealing than usual. But I made the right decision. I don't think she understood what all was going on though.

So I created that atmosphere and reduced one of my kids to tears during the bedtime routine. They triggered my anger, but they didn't really cause it and didn't really deserve it. That's the atmosphere I really wanted my own family to not carry on like a twisted tradition.

But I'm watching the days slowly count by. I'm loved even though I'm not in a state of sexual bliss. I'm not alone even though she chose ironing over affection with me. I can recognize these harmful mental processes and that means I can stop myself falling into these black holes of lies.

Steps forward, even with Stumbling

Okay, a few things to say. I can tell I'm winning in this thing. Times that I don't get sex I'm not very angry at all. The next morning I'm not seething, sometimes not angry at all. I'm not obsessing about it all the time the next day either. The idea of not having sex every day doesn't seem preposterous anymore. I can joke about stuff and see our sexlife from a much more "normal" perspective than ever since this battle really started.

I was thinking about stuff that helps. People might come here looking for clues to what works. Well it doesn't help to be isolated. All the crazy ideas that bounce around your head just get worse. You really do need someone to talk to. You really do need to just be around couples and see real relationships. I didn't have to talk about sex at all, but just being around another couple like us, with children... Somehow it helped me to see our lives compared to theirs (and be thankful even!) rather than our lives compared to some sexual fantasy from a montogue of porn movies (which leaves me feeling robbed and always wanting more).

I put a little java counter in the upper right corner of this site so I can be "accountable" about my last stumble into the big M. Weird how I know I'm getting better all the time. I know the battle is getting easier and I'm seeing myself more realistically, adjusting my expectations, not feeling the same strong pull toward "acting out" to feel better so much.

Still, sometimes I get an unusual opportunity or something and I just give in. Last time is recorded here and I hope the count keeps climbing and climbing.

Buy Orgasms, but count the cost

Sex is not like a soft drink or a gumball. You may browse the choices before putting in your money--confident that you'll get what you want--with a product.

Too much counterfeit loving will trick you into expecting to get it on demand, when you need a lift, want a buzz.

Keep getting it on your own terms and you'll feel deeply wronged when you want it but she doesn't or can't.

It's like Karma, or sowing and reaping. Make a strong enough habit out of one-sided sex on selfish terms, and you'll struggle with being flexible and understanding about your real partner.

She doesn't look perfect. She may not flirt and tease the way the montague of porn girls do. Your real woman's body won't be as perfect as those dozens that you prefer from the hundreds. If you're fortunate enough to have a real woman, she won't fulfill your wildest fantasies without you even having to go through the shame of speaking them.

But, she's yours. If you're lucky (like me) she'll stick by you in the tough times. She loves the whole you. She's three dimensional, not just a moving image on the screen or a glossy photo in a magazine. Yeah, her body changes over the years (like yours!) but with ever year comes deeper knowledge and trust--true intimacy. It's these things that makes real mind-blowing lovemaking. Too bad it doesn't happen as often as porn leads you to believe--but it's better.

Better in every good and real way.

Praying in Anger

On my way home last night I was livid. I knew it was too late to have much a chance for sex. (Even less a chance for love-making). I glanced at a few girls dressed for the heatwave which is raging in more ways than one. I thought, "There's no where I can go!" I can't go home to feel better. I can't masturbate (it won't help), we're both too tired for lovemaking, and there's no where I can go to get it. I've just gotta accept it and get used to it. Be Here Now--that saying is for the good times and the painful ones.

So I sorta poured these venomous feelings at God. It wasn't a humble or polite prayer. It wasn't thankful or at all religious.

I got home and when the moment of truth arrived (because I always hold out some hope, silly me!) I had predicted correctly that we were too tired to make love. But her body language was telling me that she'd let me "have sex with her". I don't know what I was thinking and feeling, but I just turned over to go to sleep instead. I actually decided to abstain from an orgasm! That's happened a handful of times, but it's still very significant for me.

I'd like to be able to say that I rolled over and immediately went to sleep. What I had just done sent lots of thoughts and feelings pulsing and rushing through me. Even though I was as exhausted as I'd been for a long time, I found myself wide awake again. It took me a while to get to sleep, but at least I didn't go downstairs for a fix of comforting food or sense-numbing TV or even worse... porn and sexual relief.

In the night I dreamed that I ate a blueberry muffin which was contaminated in some odd way. As a result I had these tiny white worms inside my body. I remember trying to pull one loose from my anus, but it was attached to tightly and it was too slippery. freaky-yucky.

Chemicals of Love

see Happiness Hypothesis

Another Brick in the Wall & He Speaks!

I'm stirring 'round my subconscious and memories about my Dad. Forgiveness isn't just a one-off decision or proclamation. It's a process that I'm going through. I want to forgive and let go right now, but I think it just takes time.

You know those slapstick movie scenes where the hero is trying to do something like put together some a toy or furniture or something? You know how the frustration and anger is funny? Well, it wasn't funny when the next-door neighbor's dog was barking and Barking and BARKING while I had one of these moments.

I got so angry, I knew that if I had a gun I'd happily shoot that $£%~@"%! dog in a second!

Well, a thought occurred to me as a reult. I remembered a time when I was a kid and my Dad was angry like this. I remembered it again from a different perspective and it was a little bit of forgiveness and healing.

So, I opened a Bible again (a rarity for me) and I thought, "God, I suppose you won't show me something here, 'cause I don't read this enough". The chapter we were lookin' in was Phillipians 4 and this familiar verse was what I noticed. It's easy to overspiritualize it and say, "See, God directed me to this verse and brought it to life for me in my situation" but that doesn't come accross very genuine.

Light, the Good & Powerful

When you're ready, when your strong enough (or maybe when you're weak enough!)... take a chance and admit what's really going on inside you.

In Biblical terms it's about "Bringing it into the Light"

I told her what was in the back of my mind. I risked putting her off, I gave up my little plan to hold on to this crap.

Well, since then... I've had the first day (for three years) after not having sex when I was completely free of anger or resentment.

Also important to this was that within a few days we had a great evening with another couple where I got a chance to just absorbe something deep about how a loving relationship really looks. I'm an influencable person, so it does me a lot of good to just be around people who are modeling good stuff.

Worhips Me, Worship You

What is the obsessive imagery and symbolism of oral sex?

The visual of her kneeling at my feet, it's as if she is worshipping me (my sexuality, my potence and power) says something.

On the other hand I remember some of my earliest journal writings showing how I wanted "Her" to meet all my needs and make me whole.

So, I want her to worship me, kinda, on my own sexual terms.
I can't have her as my goddess and me be her god too.

Best if I let God be God and her be her and me be me.

What's the Point?

When you're choosing to do the right thing, and it's painful and lonely...

...everything seems empty and futile.

The happiness you felt a few days ago may as well have been last year.

Mourning; a list

Listening to the podcast by Blazing Grace ministries, I heard a good suggestion by one of the hosts/counselors which was to list out and mourn the things you missed. Then you can forgive and heal and even be thankful for the ways God's taken the bad and used it for good in your own personality. (note to self ---explain this better)

• Dad didn't come to my army basic-training graduation
• He wasn't there for me in the formative teenage years (sex talk, etc.)
  
• He didn't affirm me, pat me on the back or listen to me
  
• He didn't defend me from teasing and taunting in the family
  

He didn't teach me much about life or being a man.

resetting the thermostat

The book "Saying Goodbye to Stubborn Sin" has a good analogy of habits and addictions. Our thermostat gets set too high, and we can't live with the same "temperature" (of boredom, anger, horniness, whatever) as we used to.

Resetting the thermostat isn't as easy and finding it and turning the dial a little tho. We can only reprogram it over time by changing our actions. Little by little it gets easier and the pressure is eased. It's like if you've been failing a course all year, trying to bring up your average isn't easy. If it took you a while to entrench that habit/addiction, it'll take time to dig it out and get rid of it.

There's a lot of metaphors here, but if you dug yourself a hole, you gotta stop digging, decide to do an about-face, and start filling the hole in! That sounds like work (frustrating work)... and it is.

Connections and Sparks

Listening to some podcasts from Blazing Grace, I heard the phrase, "connections" and it reminded me of how that's what I wanted from my Dad, and looked for in all relationships ever since.




I even stepped over the line once as a Samaritan volunteer. There was a particularly cleverly manipulative caller who I allowed to trick me into an uncomfortable situation. I respected the people and the organization way too much to not think seriously about the encounter. I learned more about myself from this situation than anything else for a year before or after. Why did I find it so hard to be firm against her manipulation? Now I can see that the connection had a huge draw for me.

It's easier to find a loud and quick connection through the eyes in all the sexualized stuff on the internet and the rest of the media all around. It's tempting to go for the "easy" and quick rather than the strong and deep.

I know God is the answer but I hesitate... Do I not trust Him? Am I angry and sulking? It's so easy to get distracted and move on to something else. All the while my life is ticking away.

I could keep zapping myself with images and bolts of counterfit stuff, going 'round and 'round with emptiness and numbness. The connections aren't working though. They seemed to be fine, but there's no avoiding that there are negative side effects.

To get anywhere, I need to get up and leave behind the stuff that seems so easy and familiar, stretching out for something more subtle and elusive.

Attitude, emotions and reality

One of the first glimmers of hope and light that cracked through this porn/masturbation was the idea that I might have a very longstanding problem connected to "trapped emotions". This was the beginning of a long and winding journey--the way I react to negative emotions, the way I see myself and the way I see God.

Trapped emotions do go back to the start of my problem.

So I don't want to squash and deny my emotions.
But how do I process them in a healthy way?

Experimenting means I sometimes end up spending too much time wallowing in my pain.
Embracing the sadness and pain has a ring of truth and reality that seems to be "Good News" even to the Church itself. But there's gotta be a time to move on.

Moving on, isn't that just squashing my emotions again?

Attitude!

That's a helpful way to look at it. I can watch and change my attitude, while learn my way through these messy confusing emotions.

Check and adjust your attitude. Conquer and rule your attitude, without squashing or denying those emotions. Yes there is sadness and pain. Yes it's a part of you. But you are in charge and your attitude decides how much space to give to your feelings and when to listen to them and when to say, "okay, time to look ahead".

Thanks to Russ from Attitudes of Sexual Integrity for so much help and support in this process.

Childish Ways

I heard about "self parenting" from the guy who first introduced me to the concept of "trapped emotions".

I've not been able to find much about it on the internet, but it seems like a kid who's left to raise himself to some degree comes up with his own boundaries and self-imposed rules. Not ideal. I can remember bragging and joking that "my bedtime is 2am, unless I'm having a good time"--that was on a school night.

Is it because I'm letting out these teenage emotions that I'm justifying giving myself what I want (orgasm, food, etc.) now? I've never seen myself as having any succeses with discipline, but otherwise this self-parenting is hitting me like a L.S.D. flashback because it's buried down there with all these emotions. Taking away the drug of Masturbation is exposing it all again.

Wrong Drug for the Pain

So, a BJ is great, but it doesn't address the pain. A lunchtime quickie is wonderful, but it doesn't make me better. Of course an emptier one-sided orgasm is definitely of no use.

A great singer/songwriter named Samantha Murphy said in one of her interviews that before she could give up smoking, she had to learn to sit in the middle of an empty room alone and in pain, and just experience it. That's been very helpful for me to hear.

Two Confessions

I confess that I've been giving into eating junk food to ease the pain of me not having my porn/masturbation drug. There, I've said it here. Next I need to say it to someone who knows me and is close to me. I think my wife is more understanding of my problem with porn than she is with food!

Got a "No" for the last 48 hours. Maybe my attitude contributed to it. But last night I knew she didn't want to, and selfishly thought if I push it I'll feel bad knowing it's wrong. With porn I could pretend "she" wanted it as much as me. The naemless/faceless beauty always seemed so keen. But with my real relationship, my much-better bride and lover, that was not the case.

So I made the right choice to roll over. I was so tired, so sleepy after working in the backyard most of the weekend. Still, I wanted IT more than sleep. When I rolled over I felt these emotions wash over me: anger, resentment, sadness. I wan't sleepy anymore.

My mind is telling me that I should feel good and have an orgasm even out of context of a loving and intimate time with her. I've sorta brainwashed myself with all these images of instant and always ready bj's.

Choosing to masturbate doesn't work because it leaves me empty and sets off a chain reaction of guilt and pain.

Pushing her to pleasure me or let me use her to "maturbate" is wrong as well. I don't want to use her as one of those male sex-aid masturbation things. She's not a receptacle for my needs. Besides, it delays the hard work of facing my loneliness or pain or frustration, making it harder to face it next time. It isn't good for our relationship because it's using her and is kinda bringing her into my masturbation life. I can kid myself that maybe as I get turned on touching her that maybe, maybe she'll get turned on and we'll make love "properly". But I know she doesn't want to give out really.

Third and last choice. Not feeling good. Not having an orgasm. Triggering the anger and sadness and maybe missing the orgasmic feelings that help me sleep nicely. One thought that came from the last time I made this, the good third choice is.....

"I will never experience an orgasm easily again."

I mean never again quickly.

The porn movie where a rich guy sits around all day with one of his love-slaves taking turns blowing him... That was so unhelpful. Wanting a BJ in the middle of the day, a quickie is just B.S.

The kids are upstairs playing and I know they'll be happy and they won't disturb us downstairs. That's plenty of time.... to masturbate. Problem is, it's not enough time to make love. My brain goes crazy trying to rationalize a way to hope and manipulate and wish this isn't true.

Red Lizzard the Parasite

There must be a good analogy of a parasite that attaches itself to someone invisibly.

Then as it grows, the fact that it's stealing your life starts to show.

A really smart parasite will monitor itself and try to stay under the radar.

But when you declare war, when you go under the knife to get this parasite removed....

Then the parasite knows it's war. It pulls out all the stops and does anything and everything it can to get you to leave it alone.

I am not aware of unrealistic expectations toward my wife in our sex life. But now that I've declared war against this parasite, I'm wanting more and more from her. While porn was allowed to live in it's own little box, the lies were nurturing and growing unseen.

I don't believe that I really have screwed up my sexual expectations, but it's like the Japanese knowing they were about to loose the war, so they pulled out all stops and sent out the kamikaze pilots. It's too late for the addiction to try to stay under the radar. The war is now raging. I'm not gonna give up and I'm not gonna accept anything but death of this parasite. Yeah, I stumble and I get tired. I'm gonna give my kids some leadership show them a life of sexual freedom.

Taking a Little Less

Last night was a "No". I was getting frustrated with just going thru the motions and thought it was time for a break. I was laying there thinking, "It sucks that we don't do it in different places, different times, and that she never thinks of dressing for sex".

See I had accepted that it made sense to not make love tonight, but the whiney teenager just found something else to complain about. I was able to see this at the time, which is another vast improvement.

So today I thought, what would be the Biblical reverse attitude here? The attitude boils down to:

• selfish (selfless)
• taking (giving)
• holding on (letting go)
• and wanting control (yielding).

Black Hole

This addiction is really a bottomless pit.

I'm pushing, wanting demanding so much.

When she doesn't want to, when she's not "in that place"


I lower my standards and try for whatever I can get.

At this point, I'm going down the road of selfish and putting sex where it shouldn't be (like a drug).

Because after I've been graciously given an orgasm, I am left feeling guilty (cause I know I shouldn't have "taken" it) and I still feel cross and empty--now the excuse is that she, "Didn't want me".

So, lovemaking is there to make me feel wanted, but when I can't have it properly and I push for "the act" I'm still not feeling "wanted".

This doesn't really make any sense.

Normal/Healthy vs. LongTerm Side-Effects

All the trendy teaching about masturbation echoes how it's harmless, normal.

I remember Dr. Ruth giving a caveat I've heard plenty of times, "as long as masturbation does not effect relationships with people".

Well, it's taken me decades to see that my habitual masturbation does effect my relationship with my wife. These effects never showed until I tried to stop! As long as I had the option of taking matters into my own hands, our sex life and communication was great. But under the surface there was a growing and strengthening thing which burst out of me into our love life, and all aspects of our relationship.

As long as I didn't try to kill it, things were fine and seemed normal. Now that I'm crucifying it, it is lying and screaming and kicking like a spoilt selfish brat: "What about me!" "I want!" "I need!" "Me, Me, Me!".

God is good and things are better than ever. Problem is expecting it to be easier or faster.

GOD!!! Why?!!!

Why does me gaining weight hurt my chances for lovin',
but me eating right and/or losing weight not seem to help?

Why does me being "bound" usually screw up our chances to be close...
but me being "free" not have much affect on our intimacy?

Anything less than perfection knocks down the jenga tower,
but a good move, getting it right, still often results in nothing.

And is this painful place the only place where I can find healing? Is all the rest of my life just treading water?

Porn Exposed

Just listened to the XXXChurch.com podcast where they interviewed Ron Jeremy. Great the way they are friends with this guy. They disagree on many things, but accepting him and listening to him can make more differences (even eternal ones!) than winning any argument ever could do.

============================================

If they interview me for their show, what could I offer to others going through fighting this addiction? What have I learned? Can I bring any insight to anyone? Hmmm.... (stay tuned)

1 John 2:17-19

Spending some time on their site, listening to three different people in the "industry" really is a good way to view the girls as girls (someone's daughter, someone's sister) rather than meat.

It kinda breaks the magic of the fantasy when you think of the girl going home to her crappy apartment and trying to raise her daughter as a single mom, with the pressures of the addictive and exploitive environment. Plus porn has been shifting to more and more shocking and abusive stuff. Not titilating, not even about sex, more about humiliation and misogynism. Helps when wanting to stop needing/liking it and "hate the sin".

unraveling a few more threads...

...of the lie. little by little.. eventually....

Weird how I can want to hold on to my anger more than let go and enjoy real "proper" intimacy. Last night I was still cross about her not wanting to make love (for two nights running!). This was another day, but rather than moving on I felt it necessary to let her know that I'm not quite happy. How childish! I'm not supposed to dictate how she feels and acts towards me. I have no right to manipulate her into behaving the way I wanter her to!

For me, porn has given me an appetite for sexual stuff without the emotional work. Sometimes, especially when I'm angry, I just want to feel good without having to be real or get close. It's strange cause that's really what I want most: proper intimacy. But I kid myself thinking that I just want the orgasm and prefer the cheap version of sex.

It's Only....

...sex!

another revelation (or as the cool kids are sayin' "Epiphany")...

It's only a breast/vagina/rear!

Last night we "did it" and I was still cross. This helps to invalidate the lie that sex makes everything alright. Then today I came home for lunch. I was expecting nothing, but we made up, she came over to me and put her arms around me. Did she sense that I was relaxed and not expecting anything? I don't know but we started kissing and ended in bed upstairs!


This is the lunchtime quickie I've dreamed of!
She came, it was great.

But... It wasn't worth dying for. It didn't cure cancer or end hunger or make all my problems go away.

.. But it was really nice! (^;

Graphic Update

So things continue to get better. I've almost forgotten how many days it's been since we "did it"--which is a milestone in itself. I think it was two nights ago.

It was great how easy I found it suggesting we go to sleep tonight. I was a bit cross this morning, and a little angrier when the phone rang and a friend asked her to have one of their kids. I felt angry and left out, as if everyone elses demands are fine, jealous that I didn't have all her energy to myself.


So the silly graph shows that things are still getting better. It also shows how my perceived acceptance and occurrences of us making love are almost identical.

Porn says you can enjoy 100% desirability and sexual satisfaction, with no effort on your part!
You can get an orgasm with very little work, but it costs money for the porn and you get "infected" with these harmful lies. How I wish I hadn't dug a twenty five year hole that is now so hard to climb out of and not fall back into!

But, it's worth it. I am thankful that I've been somehow given a determination to not give up and not quit--ever... regardless.

Things are really improving. When in a situation that a mere month ago would bring irrational and strong obsessive thoughts, now I have those thoughts, but I can dismiss them easily and I see them as absurd (like everyone else!) finally!

Breakthough!

.. a word spoken so many times in Christian circles, it ecapsulates so much of what we pray and hope and wait for.

Well, praise Him!

Being at the church weekend together may have something to do with it, but

1) I suggested we go to sleep last night (rather than "do it") and I felt "okay" (instead of tortured or angry or dejected).

2) I haven't been angry seeing her naked in the morning, bending over at various times, etc.

3) I've still thought about how I'd like her to blow me; still wanted her rear in the morning, but it's just not been SUCH A BIG DEAL!

So, feelings do change, the battle isn't forever! Keep on keeping on. Keep on persevering through times when it seems like nothing's happening, and eventually it does get easier!

Hurray! (If it goes backwards and gets just as hard again, I hope I'll be able to hold on the memory that it does get easier, gaining confidence and ground from this time enjoying this freedom.

I AIN'T GIVING UP! I'M FREE , & IM GETTIN' FREE!

Sunday, 3:30am

It occurred to me, last night I think, that an orgasm doesn’t really make the pain go away. It fends it off for about a day.

I’ve been forgetting that I don’t need it every day. I used to know that, but I’ve slipped back into being angry, appalled and exasperated—keeping count of the days missed and wanting to cash them in.

I want sex when I want it, full on, an expression of her complete desire for me. On the other hand, I want it detached and physical only. I want the orgasm without any effort or cost to myself. It’s screwy, if she gives me the latter, then I feel cheated and “Ah Ha, she is just going through the motions, I knew she didn’t want me”. So I want it at a purely physical level, but then I don’t as well.

So there’s this lie that I’m not wanted, not loved. When she gives me sex but is obviously not into it, the lie shouts out. The lie used to shout out when she didn’t want sex and wouldn’t get into it. I think that’s improved. I’m still cross the next day, but it’s not so difficult to go to sleep at least.

I feel unloved, alone. I feel God is nowhere and I am without value.
I felt something like this twenty years ago when Mom & Dad divorced and they weren’t around. I used masturbation to numb the pain and give “good” feelings to cover up the bad ones. The flaw is that the stuff about being useless and unloved never went away. All I got is a “bad habit” (or addiction) to go along with it.

So, fighting this stuff, what’s improving? Sleeping is usually better. When I can’t sleep it’s usually not connected to the anger of her not wanting to make love. The moment of rolling over and going to sleep isn’t so bad either. I’m usually not seething with anger any more. The actual idea of not getting it doesn’t solicit this overpowering anger either. Even if we haven’t done it in 24 hours, often I can engage with conversation at mealtime and joke with the kids and stuff.

I was really obsessed with getting an orgasm. In the changing rooms at the swimming pool, in the morning in a few spare minutes… So many inappropriate times and places I would seethe and simmer and boil thinking, “She could give it to me here and now” Then I’d get stuck on the fact that she wouldn’t. I’d with that she would, think about the possibility that she would, fantasize and go ‘round and ‘round about it, getting hotter and angrier and more withdrawn all the time. All that has changed. We went swimming the other day & I thought, “Last few times we were here all I could think about was sex. Now that seems silly”.

Evidently God loves me. My Dad does, as best as he can. I want to see him as just another man, flawed and imperfect, doing his best and sometimes getting it wrong.

Somewhere I must have thought that if I performed better, was “perfect” in some way… I’d be able to impress him and get his approval and love and acceptance and affirmation. This seems kinda “manipulative” in and of itself. Is it? Anyway, of course I was never perfect, but instead in a twisted weird way I have been measuring everyone else against perfection. Expecting it, judging them against it, being disapproving and stuff. Maybe perfectionism is all about control. I don’t know how to have a free and flowing relationship of love and communication between myself and my Dad (or Father God). So I try to make a system, rules, procedures or “steps” instead.

I’m not really so clueless in relating to people. Lucy and I relate pretty well.

So, what’s worth talking over with Lucy? Telling her about these improvements? Telling her it’s okay to roll over and go to sleep (again).

Maybe I need to make a verbal thing, more than just a conscious effort to remind myself that God and I can relate better than me and Dad did/do.

a Little Logic, please

Okay, every time I want it & don't get it, I'm really touchy about her walking around naked, bending over (like when she blow-dries her hair). The rubbish going through my mind is, "How appauling that she's doing this AND it means nothing. How unbelievable that she's NOT meaning, "Come on, I want you". As if it's torture on two counts... 1) she's not interested sexually. 2) she's rubbing my face in the fact that some of my strongest sexual images aren't sexual in real life.

I've conditioned myself to see a "her" bent over and get turned on and cum. I DEEPLY associate the naked female form with sexual arousal. WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!

So, when I hear the shower running and think, "She's naked, but not the least be available" I need to think a little logically. When she bends over, but is not thinking of me or sex... I need to think about it sensibly. Every time is not a sexual signal. But, hey.. There are sexual signals. Once or twice a month all the planets line up just right... We're "in sync" and she really does want me. Isn't the real thing better than just an orgasm mechanically following the sight of her rear or nakedness?

So, yeah, it hurts that it's less often that you want. It sucks that these bogus associations exist. Gotta move on though. This crap is destructive & you don't want to loose the very very good stuff that you've got.

What a Difference...

..a day makes.

What a difference an instant makes! I was thinking that she's tired and we've had a good run, I want her to see lovemaking as a pleasure, not a chore, so let's just take that step & say, "Good night". Her body language was tired and not affectionate. But I hesitated, thinking "we won't do it in the morning, she won't do it during the day tomorrow either. She might not do it this time tomorrow either.

So in an instant I went from being cool and on top of everything (sleepy and ready to sleep) to cross and and livid and appauled! I need to get rid of this anger 'cause it's not her I should be angry at.

On one had I don't want the orgasm, if it comes with her being disinterested and detached. Oh, that pisses me off. The lie and fantasy shows excitement, pleasure from giving pleasure. What a slap in the face to take a reallly sexy thing like doggy-style and remove the sexiness from it and add disinterest and detachment to boot! ARGGGGGHHH!

I am amazed at my capacity to want and want and take and take. I enjoy good lovemaking and I'm wanting to nudge her to do it somewhere else. I am blessed that she gives me BJs, and I'm thinking of how I can get her to do me before we get to bed.

Damn, I can't even get these thoughts together.

Update while Up

I think all these postings have been done while frustrated and while my cup felt "empty".

Let's change the pattern.

Last night was great. I could tell the minute we snuggled down in bed that we were on the same sheet (of music). She wanted me and I enjoyed her so much I just didn't want to let it end.

Weird how this morning I was still "aware" of her nakedness while she showered, etc. I'm just insatiable. It wasn't a stressful thing. This lie that I want/need it every day kepts me at bay.

So on Saturday we talked & talked and I let off some steam to do with being angry that we didn't make love Fri night or Sat morning. Seeing her bending over is like a red rag to a bull, saying, simlultaneously, "Aren't you turned on" and "Don't you wish I was doing this as a come-one?" and "This doesn't mean anything sexy anymore"

We talked a lot about "receiving love" or "feeling loved" (through sex and other ways). Telling me she loves me just doesn't do it. Washing my clothes and raising my children just isn't the same as a mind-blowing love-making session! I've had words, "I love you" all my life, but did the actions match the words? I've turned to my actions of choice in absense of the real thing, and now am trying to wean myself off those actions--and embrace the Real Thing. Ironic that now I have the real thing, but am spurning it for my fix--a sad substiture indeed!

Paint Dries, Grass Grows

....and addictions are broken.

That's how slow it seems to be to get to the finish line. Yes, there is continual improvement. But it's a bit like that TV show I saw about how they move a huge building--very very slowly!

I've had a good week or more as far as frequency of sex. BJ's during her period and last night was the first night in many days when we didn't "do it". My orgasm cup is "empty" (it fills up when no orgasm happens) except for last night. My "wanted" cup is no where near showing "low" as the lovemaking was good and she wanted it and wasn't just going through the motions--especially the night before last. So good that with a week to be thankful for, that I didn't wake up really angry this morning due to sleeping poorly and/or not getting it last night. Rolling over without sex is still hard and sleeping itself can be difficult regardless.

So, when will I be able to go for a whole month without any difficulty sleeping for ALL the times we don't make love?!!! That'd be great. See, I'm not wishing for us to always do it, I'm wishing for me to handle it better that we won't. That's improvement. (I still would like her to just spontaneously screw or blow me though)

Gonna take some time off work tomorrow to look for a car together. Bit pissed off that she won't want to "do it" then. No kids, no reason we can't. But she'll have the car hunting agenda on her mind and can't switch to sex.

Shit at work pissing me off. My tech specialty seems to be fading in importance and might not be here in five years' time. I'm angry about this and was kinda comparing that to my parents splitting up. (Me loosing something important and not having any control over it). How do I deal with it? Do I deal with it? Do I bury my head in the sand and turn to something addictive to help me ignore the frustration and loss? It doesn't really work doing that. Just causes more problems. I could go in the toilet right now, get some lotion from the dispenser and close the door in the stall and give myself an O. But I won't feel any better five minutes later, and it'll be hard to resist doing that the next time I'm unhappy.

01:16 Thurs Dec 22 2005

So here I am downstairs again. TV on. Computer connected to the net. (obviously)

Why do I have such a strong association between sex and a system or schedule?

I found it easier to go to sleep last night without sex because I knew we'd done it a number of times in the last week. Still, tonight I was cross. She had last night off, didn't she?!!! Why no again? Plus hearing how much is gonna be packed into Christmas makes me think, "Ah, sex'll get squeezed out then, huh!??!!!". That's not necessarily true, but I'm pissed.

I could M* to some porn right now. It would feed good, but it wouldn't help me get to sleep. It would be enjoyable, but short lived. It would make it harder for me to resist next time (which will probably be very shortly!).

Ahh, fuck it. This just sucks.

Expecting Too Mutch (but not unaware)

So night before last we had some really good lovin'. Normally I'm fightin' falling asleep afterward, but this time I was rarin' to go again, keen for 2nd time 'round. She said, "let's go to sleep & we can always enjoy each other tomorrow night!". Then she had a shitty day & I don't blame her for not wanting to. But it still pissed me off. I slept fine though, which is nice. I'm trying to act like I'm not angry. Tryin' to not be quiet or distant. Wishin' she'd blow me or just screw me, but really knowin' better than to expect or dwell on it.

Trigger: expecting we'll make love, then we don't--really pisses me off & fucks me up.

I'm not in control, I can't predict. I went Christmas shopping and bought some junk-food, but really wished I could buy some satisfaction. Then I'd be in control  I'd be calling the shots.


We had our youngest's Christmas school play this morning. I often struggle with my emotions at those things. Why do I feel blah, down at them? Is it seeing all the mums and dads and the stark reality of how unromantic and unsexy our lives all are? Is it the fact that the whole show is all about the kids and how focused and excited she is while I've taken time off work, and knowing that she won't "do me" before I go back to work--BUT SHE COULD!

I keep remembering how the big "M" doesn't make these feelings any better. It's nice, but it doesn't actually help all this crap at all. Probably makes it harder to resist next time--so it's worse, not better.

Wonder if we'll Do-It tonight. I'm gonna try to hide my pissed-off-ness, but she's had another busy day and will have a busy evening. So.... it could be another "No" on top of last night. Sigh....

Good and Bad

Good:

It's been a long time since I've posted, meaning a long time since I've had a shitty stretch.

I can look at her rear and not get innapropriately turned on "automatically".

I can see that being angry is counterproductive and only makes everything worse.

I don't REALLY expect her to screw me, even after a shitty night's sleep.

I realize that screwing me isn't what it's all about. Feeling accepted & loved is it.

BAD:

I still wish she'd screw me.
I still want to feel accepted & loved--more than I get from normal life.
I still stumble with the big "M" even when so many things are so much better.
I still struggle with us not making love, especially when I expected that we would.
I still want a hug but am still not hugging her.

So tonight I've already committed myself to us not making love because she's going out & will be home late. Problem is she didn't feel like it last night either--which was a tough surprise to take--just tough enough to fuck up me sleeping at all last night. So none last night, none tonight, and I'm very tired on top of those.

Good Memory, Bad Memory

Why do I seem to have a great memory for being "wronged" but a terrible one regarding getting what I want? If we have great sex, even a string of sex including great sex.. I forget it as soon as I have to go a day or two without. I remember back for weeks all the times I've not gotten what I wanted, conveniently skipping over the times when I got exactly what I wanted.

Damn selfishness.

Last night was day two without any lovin' and remembering the every-night sex while visiting her friends farm doesn't make me feel any better. I woke up thinkin' how it sucks that even when we do make love I'm just getting the "dregs" or leftovers at the end of a long day. I'm tired, she's tired. How often will we have a chance to make love during the day or even a little earlier in the evening? Once a year if we plan something? Shit!

Last night she wanted to go to bed early, but it didn't end up happening. Then we talked for quite a while but didn't fuck. Shit!

Loose it, Find it

One of my obsessions/fantasies was about a luncthime quickie with my wife, or her turning up to the front door of my workplace wearing nothing but an overcoat. I work close enough to home that it's not an impossibility (especially since the kids are all in school).

So it was a landmark Big Step when I invited her to meet me at the park near my office for a picnic lunch. I was walking 'round one day and saw a couple having lunch together with their baby and stroller in tow. I thought, "Hey, we don't have any babies anymore. We could meet and have a nice lunch." It was nothing to do with a quickie or sex.

As soon as I suggested it (she loved the idea and has suggested we do it regularly) those old thoughts started creeping in and trying to takeover the idea. I was actually a bit "down" during that picnic--like my fantasy was dying it's last death.

But then the next time we meet we cycled to a restaraunt and I suggested we both "dress up" a bit. Well, guess what?!! She was almost flirting before the we started biking home and we had our first lunchtime loving when we got home.

We've been on a kinda buzz; we're seeing things improve and enjoying it more these days. Last night was the first night for a while that we didn't make love. It was THIS week when we had that great sex I mentioned above, but I still had trouble sleeping last night, but was only a little angry about it.

Anyway, by giving up my selfish and negative fantasy for male-imagined mechanical sex, I've been given a lovely gift of real relating and two-way love making where she actually wants me. It's so satisfying to enjoy her satisfaction! Harder work than the Big M, less frequent and completely uncontrolable, but BETTER!

I'm not powerless

The other night I was lying there in bed, just steam coming out of my ears at the thought that she wouldn't want to make love. I was thinking, "See, she doesn't want to" (which probably meant, "See, she doesn't want YOU/love you". Anyway, she said she really found it hard to give me a hug while I'm like that. Some other things were said, but the important thing is that after getting cross and turning my back to her resigned and livid that we wouldn't be screwing, somehow, someway I changed my attitude. I thought, I'm gonna wake up still cross. I'm gonna come home tomorrow from work feeling the same. So I forced myself to turn back over and face her. I put my arms around her and let go. I'm not sure how I did it or what it entailed. But we could both feel the change in the air.

If I could do it then....

Improvement

So, after a string of "getting lucky" on numerous nights, I knew my luck was running out. It was time to gird up myself and decide on a "go straight to sleep" night.

I can't just make it "let's wait and see" because I'll be hoping and hoping it happens or I'll go ahead and try like every other night.

So I have to go all the way and decide it'll be a sex-free night. How I wish she'd be impressed but so turned on she'd subvert my noble plan.

But it's "facing the pain" and it was easier this time. The pain wasn't all enveloping. It was hard not getting madder as our plans for an early sleep were shot. But easier than before.

I'm just looking for excuses to confirm my thought that she doesn't want me. If she doesn't make love to me, "Ah HA!!!". Often when she does, I think, "she didn't really want to (ah ha!)". Rubbish.

The idea that sex=love is a lie. She loves me all the time even when not giving me sex. God loves and accepts me, even though I don't hear Him. Is it just time for the truth to sink in, or does something else need to happen?

the pain, the pain

What's so gutting about "No"?

It's easier to forget about how long it's been since last time, especially after a week out of the country.

But even if I'm the one who says, "Let's just go to sleep", something inside me cries out in pain when she replies "okay".

I hear "No"
I hear "I don't want you"

When this happened the other night, I fell asleep saying "let go, let go, let go" but woke feeling angry and with my head spinning of all kinds of crap. I'd really like to let go completely, but just don't know how.

I know she loves me and wants me, so why does it hurt so much when she says no to sex?

Wish Wish Wish

I keep hearing myself thinking, "I wish.." and it's always things that I can't have. I wish she would do things that help me to feel loved, feel good.

It's one day after my last post. I wasn't quite moping as much by noon as I was in the morning. I was a bit better by the evening. But I was quiet and distant. It was a protest for the fact that we hadn't made love the night before, plus a "low" because of how illogical and counterproductive that actually is. I wasn't as mad at her. I didn't actually think my strop would manipulate her to be drawn to me. Instead it was more like, "Fine, you don't want me, I don't need you either". "You don't want to give me what I want, I don't have to give you what you want". I tried to snap out of it, but couldn't.

At least I knew this was stupid enough to not try for sex that night. I made the bold move of saying "good night" thus releasing her from any further demands to talk and talk and talk or even fuck. Weird how right before that moment I was drifting to sleep, pretty relaxed. But when I said good night, and she said the same, I just started feeling so angry. I guess I was really "wishing" she'd say, "good night, but before we go to sleep, I'd really like to satisfy you!" or "Please don't go to sleep just yet, I so want you, I so need you, ". Then I dredge up how many different times and ways she doesn't want me sexually. I feel like our lovelife is a tiny little shrinking box. But I know that's bullshit and that if she'd do a bit more the never-satisfied addiciton would then demand something else or some more.

I decided to say, "good night", it was really tough, and I wished there was another way. I did the same thing again just now emailing her saying, "let's decide right here and now that we're not gonna make love tonight". That was so difficult. As a result, I'm feeling sad and cross even now. I have to sleep without the chemical buzz of an orgasm. I have to roll over and not let anger blow my sleeping fuse.

I SO WISHED she'd say something, anything... other than, "okay". She's off the hook from having the pressure to help me sleep. It only would work if she wanted it. It's no good to ask or demand or need. I SO WISH that she would want what I want. I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH. but I want to be free

"No" yesterday, "No" today

So I was in a mood yesterday & last night. She didn't wanna do it the night before. I know it's silly and counterproductive. I'm stuck in the place of a stroppy teenager or eleven year old. We talked and talked and that was good, but, of course, by the end of it all too tired to do it again. Damn! Woke up pissed off AGAIN. It's a day off and a "family day" which is all about the kids. I'm feeling left out and selfish. I'm avoiding her and giving her the cold shoulder.

I'm not supposed to feel gutted when she doesn't want me sexually. I'm supposed to feel good from other things like talking or hanging out together.


Fuck this!


Guess I better do downstairs and do something "in the opposite spirit". Shit. I just want to be asleep (escape).